A/N: I LOVE YOU ALL! Nearly thirty reviews, and here I am at Chapter 11. I feel like I'm nearing the end of this story…but I'm not through with you yet! Keep those reviews coming, and here you are:
I was swimming up through the blackness, struggling to rise from the tar pit of my nightmares. Then, all at once, sensation returned to me. Living sensation, not that of stone. My eyes would not open, but I could smell the fresh scent of rain, the smell of flowers and of wet fur and a strange scent that I could not have identified. Then I was aware of warmth. I was still dreadfully cold, but I could sense warmth and humidity all around me. I realized that I had not been warm in a terribly long time. It had been so long. Such a long winter.
Then I was able to move, and my legs wobbled with the sudden weight they had to support. My eyes opened for the first time in such a long time. They blinked, and I was stunned by the amount of light around me. I blinked a couple more times to adjust my eyes to the sudden light.
The first thing I noticed was that there was no snow, anywhere. It was such a strange sight that I sat down, stunned. I could not remember a time when there had been no snow. There had been something called spring, once, but I could not remember it. So many things I could not remember, so many faces I could not put a name to…my name. What was my name? I searched for it, and found…nothing. Emptiness. I was nothing. I was no one.
Despair threatened to strike me down, but I pushed it away. I was alive. That was enough. Would have to be enough. I would find a new name. I would make a new life.
The next thing I became aware of was the noise. The noise! I had not heard noise in the Witch's castle for such a long time. It had always been silent, silent as death. Silent as stone. But now there were barks and howls and yelps and whinnies of delight everywhere, and animals capering all around my. I saw fauns and wolves weeping with joy, touching their living fur. My eyes saw a large gray wolf that I recognized as Vestal. His eyes were piercingly fierce, and he was talking to…
A lion. No, not a lion, the lion. The Great Lion. It was Aslan. He had to be. There was no mistaking him. He had such an air of majesty that it would have been impossible to call him just any lion. He had to be Aslan, because no other creature could be so powerful and terrible but at once gentle and playful. I felt humbled, ashamed, just looking at him. He seemed to feel my gaze, and he looked at me. His eyes were golden, bright golden. His gaze was neutral, perhaps even affectionate as he looked me over, but I had the feeling that he knew who I was, what I had done. Everything. I lowered my eyes and my tail and turned away.
I looked around me again. There seemed to be more animals than I could remember when they had been frozen in stone. But then my eyes fell upon one wolf in the quivering, capering throng. She was speaking to a small white wolf that was cowering fearfully. I could not mistake her. Instantly I pushed forward, hurrying toward her. Ishtar. "Ishtar!" I called. She looked up. Her eyes met mine.
Then they went very flat. She said a few last words to the wolf at her side and then pushed her gently away with her nose. The she wolf, my brother's mate, looked at me fearfully and hurried away. Ishtar turned to face me, squaring off as though for a battle. Her eyes were flat, but her scent was furious.
"How could you," she hissed even as I opened my mouth. "You betrayed me. You betrayed everything! And now, here you are, masquerading as one of us against the White Witch? When you killed your own brother? Oh, I get news. Grael told me, as soon as Aslan freed him. You're probably here on the witch's orders. You're nothing but a rotten traitor, Fenris. I can't believe I ever thought I loved you."
"That's not my name anymore," I said sadly.
"What is it, then?" Ishtar snapped, her ears laid back.
"Nothing. I don't have a name. The Witch stripped me of it when I was caught in a rebellion. Grael didn't tell you that, did he? That was why I am here. I was a fool, Ishtar. I was under the Witch's spell. That's all. Can't you forgive me?"
Ishtar glared daggers at me, but she looked surprised. "Never," she snarled. "I can't forgive you for betraying our cause, for betraying my love. I can never forgive you, Fenris, or whatever your name is. I will hate you forever, even unto death." She wheeled and loped away, and soon she was lost to the crowd.
I looked after her for several moments, feeling a keen ache in my chest. But she was lost. I could not mourn. I had no time. Then I heard a deep, resonant voice echoing behind me, and I wheeled to find myself facing Him. The Great Lion. Aslan.
"I need to speak with you," he said. "Follow me."
I trotted after him. I had no choice, but fear thrummed in my pounding heart. What would happen to me now? Would he be angry? Would he kill me? I did not want to die, not yet. I was not ready yet. "What is it, Your Majesty?" I asked fearfully after we stopped under an old, rotting tree just outside the graveyard.
He watched me. His gaze was quite disconcerting. "Actually, I had the feeling that you wanted to speak to me. I could ask you the same question."
I looked down. "I am ashamed," I said at last. "Ashamed of myself. I did so much wrong, hurt so many wolves and people out of anger or a desire to be more powerful. I served the Witch partly because of her spell, but it was not all her. It was me, too. Me. I wanted to be stronger. I was stupid. I killed my brother."
Aslan was silent for a long time. I did not dare to look at him. At last he spoke. "You have done wrong," he said in his resonant voice, like a judge condemning a prisoner. "I will not deny it. But you have begun to repair the damage you have made. It may never be fully repaired, but you can make a beginning. There will be fighting today, and a chance to prove yourself loyal. But do not die for my sake or in an attempt to rid yourself of guilt. I will forgive you, and others will forget. All that is left is to forgive yourself."
I nodded slowly. It felt like forgiveness. But I did not think that the last was possible. I could never forgive myself for everything I had done. "My name, my lord – what will I call myself? I am not Fenris, nor am I Rakashan. I am nameless."
"You must find a name for yourself," Aslan told me sternly. "Until then, you will not have one. You will find a new name, a new life. You will make a new start. But for now, there is fighting to do." He padded away from me, already calling the group together. I felt a deep feeling of despair. How many would die today? Would I ever get the chance to start a new life?
In the future, if they speak of me, it will only be of my evil, of how I served the witch to evil ends. They will not remember Rakashan. But perhaps, if I work hard enough, they will remember my new name. Perhaps, someday, I will be able to listen to those tales of Fenris Ulf and laugh. But that day will be many years away. Many years until I can leave him behind forever. Many years until I can make myself believe that he is no part of me.
Because he is a part of me still.
