I apologize for this chapter, but conflict must occur before Sweden and Finland can find their final happiness and make sweet love on the front porch swing until the end of time. Stay with us, we'll begin returning to the feel-good fluff we all came for in the next chapter, I promise.

My love continues to go out to all the fantastic readers. Reviewers, you guys have both succeeded in making me blush with your kindness and literally weep with laughter with your hilarity. Please keep the funny commentary going, I haven't laughed this much in months!

Love all around!

Finland made a mad dash across the muddy landscape, nearly slipping on every puddle as his heart slipped into sadness.

It's all over. I've ruined everything. The rain was freezing into sleet now, and speeding bullets of hail were starting to barrage Finland as he fled farther and farther from the safety of Sweden's cabin.

Can't go back...I can't! I'll freeze to death before I hurt Cuddles! I just got to get away. Finland hadn't bothered to check his bearings before he left to see if he could possibly end up at Poland's place or some other safe haven. He almost thought at this point it was better if he didn't.

What's the use? Finland reflected, his house dress fluttering in the wind as he continued running. He'd let down his one true love, the only love he ever wanted or ever had.

Muscles spent of energy and sore with frostbite, Finland finally collapsed at the base of a tall tree. He wrapped his arms around the trunk of the tree and started to sob. He remembered how cozy the rain had seemed that afternoon, when he'd been watching it from the porch swing with Sweden, his head leaning against his husband's bare chest while Sweden stroked Finland's hair with those warm strong hands.

And the night before...he could almost taste the words I love you on Sweden's lips as his husband had covered his mouth with kisses. Finland cried all the harder. Terrible, just terrible. How could he have done this to someone who had loved him so sincerely?

The sound of the sleet and his own sobs was too loud for Finland to hear the eerie footsteps of an ominous dark figure approaching and had no idea what had hit him when he was knocked unconscious by the blow of a blunt object to the back of his head.

Finland awoke on a straw mattress in the middle of a poorly lit room. Cobwebs clung to the bedpost and the whole place had a stench of rotting wood. As Finland tried to sit up, he realized that someone had tied his hands together behind his back with some kind of rope.

"What the? Where on earth am I?"

"Beyond the point of rescue, if that's what you're wondering," the voice tone itself seemed to share the sneer of its owner. From the shadows, an ominous figure stepped out into the flickering fire light.

Finland's eyes strained to identify the stranger. When he recognized the face his jaw plummeted down deeper than the Grand Canyon.

"Mr. Nuruo Nuruyama!? The random cafe customer?"

Nuruo grinned maniacally "That's right. Germany and your precious Sweden failed to satisfy my appetite. Turns out that I needed a little Christmas, right this very minute. Who'dve guessed I was hungry for a little Father Christmas Finland?"

"I think I speak not only for myself but for everyone reading this when I say- "What the f(reproduce)?!""

"Well, to be honest, it was getting a little old having Russia and France as the persistent perpetrators in these kind of attempted rape scenarios. And really, assigning any country to the role of perpetual pervert just opens up the door for all kinds of misconceptions and negative stereotypes towards people of certain nationalities in the real world."

"Oh..." Finland turned his head to the side and considered it "Yah...I guess that kind of makes sense. But still- YOU?! You always seemed so unassuming and mild mannered! You just come off as so victimized..."

"A wolf in sheep's clothing for sure," Nuruo's teeth gleamed "Although, I wouldn't be the only person in this room to seem like a mild mannered victim on the surface and actually be a sex-crazed perve."

Finland's insides wrenched and he lowered his eyes. "You're right. I'm awful." Then his eyes narrowed and he glared back up at him defiantly. "But at least I ran away! Even if I am a perve, at least I would die before I'd hurt the one I love with my selfish desires!"

"Ah, tsk tsk, now that was self righteous," Nuruo wagged a disapproving finger in the air "Besides Finny, there's a huge difference between your situation and mine," Nuruo leaned down and whispered into Finland's ear "Unlike your case with Sweden, I don't love you," he pulled Finland's legs apart "You don't deserve to be loved, only consumed."

Finland thought he was going to wretch as the maniac wrapped his cold, clammy hands around Finny's ankles and started sliding them up the skirt of his house dress.

"Stop it! You're disgusting! You're completely disgusting!" Finland futilely strained against the ropes around his hands and feet and tried kicking Nuruo off, but it was useless. The maniac just grinned.

"Now that's not nice. You could learn a lesson or two from your sweet Sweden about customer service..."

"Go to hell!"

"Moron, we're already there."

Finland's soul was suffocating as Nuruo's hands slid up past his knees and were closing in on his boxers. Tears were gushing down his face as he closed his eyes and shrieked at the top of his lungs in complete, desperate, despair. "CUDDLES! SWEDEN, SAVE ME!"

There was a crash that silenced lightning followed by a rain shower of splinters as the door was kicked in from the outside.

"Get y'r hands th' hell off of m' wife!"

To my readers: See? Sweden is here. Everything is going to be fine. Now calm down, stop your tears. Trust me, I wouldn't write something sad, I'd be the first one to cry about it. One time I made myself bawl when I drew a picture of a stegosaurus that had eaten so much ice cream that its spikes turned into upside down ice cream cones and it died. No, I'm serious, I really did cry over this.

Anyways, in the meantime feel free to yell at Finland for his highly inaccurate perceptions about sexual attraction in the context of affectionate romance. I swear his guilt complex is giving me a migraine.