Sorry for not updating those who read my A/N know I was marathoning Attack on Titan. I made a shirt that you guys can look at or buy once again for anyone who didn't read my A/N don't expect many of those, the A/Ns I don't know about the shirts.
So good chapter I hope, sad chapter maybe. Who knows. Good thing maybe happens in sad chapter?
"So." Christina looks at me. "Will says that he found your jacket and all that. Can I ask why it means so much to you?" We're sitting on my porch.
"One year ago today, we took Susan's car to the lake." I smile. "Tobias left his jacket. He told me he only let people he really liked wear it and keep it. The jewelry was his mother's, she left when he was really young."
"Oh." She looks away. "I'm sorry?"
"Don't be. So is Will bringing it to me or?"
"That's what he said. Do you think we should go to the lake to celebrate?" She stands up. "Maybe Tobias will be back and there?"
"Sure." I run down the street to leave a note on Susan's door about where we'll be then we wait for Will, who comes jogging up to us my jacket around his arm.
"Here's the jacket, and the locket, and your bracelet." He hands them to me before kissing Christina.
"How was Al?" Christina gets in the passenger side of Will's car.
"He was upset, he wouldn't look at me. He just sat at his desk writing a letter. I kept asking about Melissa but he wouldn't acknowledge I was even speaking to him. Wait where are we going?"
"The lake, one year ago today Tris and Tobias met each other." Christina smiles. "We wanna go back and see if everyone's there."
I look at the locket in my hand. I need a picture for inside it, but I wouldn't know what to put in there. The wind rushes around my head, my hair whips around. I should have brought a head band or something. Christina has Will park in the same place we did last year.
"So this is where you guys met Tobias?" Will whistles. "I like this lake, how come we never go out here?"
"Because we have the park that's where you told me that you wanted to date me and we kissed. This is where Tris and Tobias met, and Tobias was head over heels for Tris when he first saw her. I think everyone could tell." Christina laughs and points at my hair. "Maybe you can bring big hair up dos into style, Tris."
"Shut up!" I try to smooth it down. I hear laughing and squealing and I look over and notice a car, the same car and two motorcycles. "Looks like they're here." Sure enough they are. Lauren and Shauna are talking to Myra, Edward is messing with something on his bike. Eric is standing off to the side talking to Max, Gabe, and Uriah, Zeke is with him. Tobias isn't anywhere to be seen. There are two girls who I do not know trying to shove each other into the lake one has blonde hair, darker than mine. And one is sandy blonde and it's shaved short.
Christina takes Will's hand and leads him over to Lauren and Shauna. I walk towards the group, Uriah spots me first and waves, jogging over to hug me. "What are you doing here?" He asks. "Tobias isn't here he won't be back until later tonight."
"Me? What are you doing here?" I poke him in the shoulder.
"We all meet up for a week once a year." Uriah shrugs.
"Meet up for what?" I raise an eyebrow.
Uriah looks off. "I have to go." He runs towards the two girls by the lake.
I walk closer.
"..mean he won't be heading here when he's back?" Gabe frowns.
"He has something planned." Zeke snickers, "our boy has a date."
"A date with who?" Max takes a sip of his drink.
"He's leaving us for some skirt?" Gabe whines.
Eric looks at his drink. "The only thing I can think of him actually not wanting to stand her up is either he's in love," he scoffs. "Which is highly unlikely or he's trying to get this girl to let him plow her fields."
Zeke shakes his head. "Is it so hard for you to believe that he could love this girl?"
"A little, Four never had wanted a relationship." Max scratches his head. "But I like this girl, who ever she is, already. Got you talking about him and love and all that shit."
"It's not love, Max. He's getting some and letting himself believe it's love. Or he's trying to convince her that it's love and ended up believing the lie forgetting it's about sex." Eric grins, and I don't like it.
Zeke pulls him close by his jacket. "Don't fuck with him, Eric. He's not in the mood when it comes to this girl."
"He got her pregnant didn't he?" Eric smirks. "He's feeling guilty and now he can't leave her. I bet he gets tired of her, probably will find himself someone new."
I turn and jog my way over to Christina.
"Hey, Beatrice!" Lauren smiles.
"Tris." I correct her. "Hi Lauren. Shauna." I smile at them.
"Get tired of the boys' display of masculinity?" Shauna snorts. Uriah and the two girls come over. "Tris, this is my sister Lynn," the one with the shaved head. "And Marlene." The blonde one.
"Hello," I smile at them both.
"So did you know that Four has a girlfriend apparently?" Marlene looks at Lauren.
"Explains his eagerness to get back into town, and why he always looks at the pocket watch he carries with him. Said a girl gave it to him, belonged in her family." Shauna smiles. "I'm happy for him he needs someone. And just think if him and her get married and have kids."
Marlene squeals. "We have to get her to like us so we can be aunts! And uncles." She adds looking at Uriah.
Christina starts laughing. "No kids will be happening soon I can tell you that."
I groan and refuse to tell the group I'm the girlfriend. Lynn looks at me. "So how do you know my sister and her friends?"
"We met here a year ago." I shrug. "Will's new though, him and Christina have been together for almost a year." I look at her. We stay and chat for a few minutes before leaving, we head to the dinner for lunch and when there Will looks at me.
"So, do you think you and Tobias will get married and have kids?"
I shrug. "Dunno, we actually have to do the do first. Don't you think? I mean to have kids. To get married is a whole other story."
Christina smiles. "Well I call maid of honor when that happens!"
I smile back. "Deal!" I snag some of her fries off her plate.
I tried to call Tobias when I got home but he didn't answer his phone, must not be back for another hour. I sit on the couch as my father watches something on TV, my mother is outside taking down laundry because it's suppose to rain later. At half past nine there's knocking on the front door.
I open it and it's Jason. He's soaked from head to toe with rain.
"Hello, Jason? What's wrong?" I look at him then around, he's alone.
"Susan told me to get you, Will and Christina are in the car. It's Al."
It's Al.
It's Al...
I run down the pathway to get to his car and get in. We make it to Al's house in less time then it normally would have, I hop out of the car not waiting for Jason to fully stop. I land on my hands and knees scraping them. I ignore the pain and run into Al's house, his father is standing talking to officers.
"What's going on?" I ask, hands and knees stinging.
Al's mother starts wailing. Susan hugs me. "They found Al's body in the river. Says he must've fell in around the heavy currents. Carried him to the park. Oh, Beatrice!" She starts sobbing on my shoulder. I hold her close, numb.
I hear Christina break down a few steps away, Will trying to sooth her. Everyone around me starts to blur. I need out of here, but I can't leave because I'm needed. I head up to Al's room. Will said he was writing a letter. A letter to whom?
I look around his room, it's so neat. His room always had been. I look at his desk and sticking out of a text book is an envelope labeled Beatrice. I pick it up and stuff it into a pocket in my dress, I walk calmly back downstairs.
I need to leave.
I zip up my jacket and walk out the front door. I know where I need to go. The park isn't that far there's the bridge that over looks the stream, I wonder who saw his body and screamed? I find a seat under the covered tables, I'll be safe from the rain there. I open his letter.
Dear Beatrice,
I don't know what to say to you to be honest, I would like to say that my death would be a great loss on your part but part of me laughs at my hopefulness. But I don't want you to think it is your fault it's not. I just couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't happy Beatrice. I wasn't. I had you all believing I was doing well in school when in reality I was flunking. I didn't know what I wanted to do afterwards. I thought about not going to college but thoughts of me not being able to support you kept me going. I'd cry at night just because, because of the future. Of Us. Even though there was no us. I wish there was an us Beatrice, I will did wish that. You don't know what it's like watching someone you love love someone else. Melissa was a sweet girl but she wasn't you, no one was you. I thought I was doing the right thing by taking that jacket. I had one of your gym class peers get the necklace and the bracelet I told her that I was friends with the guy who gave them to you and said that he wanted them back that they weren't for you, you had gotten them by mistake.
I somewhat regret doing that to you, only by a little. You were so happy without him. I wanted you to see that there were others, that there was me and that you didn't know what you wanted. Can you tell my parents that I didn't want to leave them, but I couldn't let them know I was unhappy. Maybe let them believe what ever there is to believe. That this was an accident if they don't find this letter before you. Tell Will and Christina that I hope they're dreams come true, that they do get married when they can. And that I'm happy for Susan, she said Amanda left you a letter did you read it? She did. She told me she understands now why they left. I guess I do to. You have to leave to be happy.
This is me trying to be happy, Beatrice. My Beatrice. You stopped being my Beatrice that day we went to get you from the lake. That day Tris was born. Goodbye Tris. I love you and I always will. I hope he treats you right.
-Albert.
I don't notice the tears running down my face. I put the letter in my jacket pocket and I go stand on the bridge, rain soaking through my hair. How did I not notice that he was so unhappy. The sadness I saw in his eyes when he thought no one was looking. I could have done something. Maybe forgiving him would have kept him alive.
I don't know how long I do stand there staring at the water. What did Al think before jumping in? How did I not see this coming? I walk around to the bank. I take my jacket off and set it down on the grass before stepping one foot into the stream then the other. I feel the rain collect on my bare shoulders the straps of my dress sliding down, the stream comes up to my mid thighs. The skirt of my dress is partially soaked. What am I doing?
I don't know.
I lie my hands against the top of the stream. I start to sit down in the water, it'll stop just below my bosom. What am I doing?
I think I know.
I want to try to find what Al was thinking. Was he dead when he hit the rocks? Or did he finally die by the time his body hit the waterfall before the water flows into the park? Did he break his neck before he ran out of air or did he run out of air before then?
I start to lie back, ignoring the water rushing into my ears. My hair swirls around my head and my face. The water no longer feels cold, I think I'm moving with the current. I think. I see a figure move over me and hands grasp my arms pulling me up.
"What are you doing, Beatrice?"
I take a gasp and that was it. The breath of air that broke the dam in my mind. Before I know it I'm crying screams ripping their way from my throat. Stupid Albert! Didn't he know how much damage he was leaving behind?
I start clawing at my father's shirt. It's unfair. It's so unfair! Where's Tobias when I need him? Why did Al decide now was the time? I need him too I need my best friend! I continue wailing, grief eating a hole in my heart.
"Shh, it's okay, Beatrice. It's okay baby girl. Shh. It'll be alright. Let's get you home." He swings me up my legs over one arm. I bury my face in his neck. I smell the leather of the car after a few minutes as he buckles me into the seat.
"You'll be fine. Not right now. I know that much, but one day you'll remember to smile without thinking of him. And days it'll hurt because Al will be all that you think about." He kisses my head. I notice my teeth chattering. When we walk into our house he ducks his head into the kitchen. "Found her she needs a warm bath. Maybe some soup or some warm tea. Something she was-" His voice is cut off when the door closes behind him. I make my way up the stairs to the bathroom. I don't run the bathtub this time I get in the shower. I let the warm spray chase the cold out of my body.
When I'm done and dressed, hair dried and up in a ponytail, I sit on the couch wrapped in a blanked. My father sits in his chair with it turned towards me. He's watching me, hands clasped under his chin. I take the cup my mom hands me. It's apple cider.
I sip at it, my eyes never leaving the phone. Why hasn't Tobias called? Should I call him?
"Sweetheart?" My mother touches my forehead. "You should sleep you look tired."
I nod, leaving my cup on the coffee table before making my way to Caleb's old room. I need familiar, and he's not here. I remember when mom broke her wrist and he let me curl up next to him when we were little. When grandma passed away and he held me close. I need my brother but he's not here. I curl up under his blanket.
I groan and curl deeper in the blanket. I feel like I haven't gotten any actual sleep, nightmares with Al haunting me. I sneeze, my head hurts. I get up legs wobbling. I make it to the door, glad I slept in Caleb's room knowing I wouldn't be able to make it up and down the stairs. The light outside is bright, I give up walking and crawl to the restroom.
I ignore the mirror while I'm in there. I use the toilet and leave. I see the door to the kitchen open slightly. I hear Stephanie's voice.
"I brought some soup. Hopefully she's not sick."
"Hopefully." My mother sighs. "I don't know what to do this brought back memories."
I open the door. "Mama, I don't feel so well."
"Oh god. She is sick." Stephanie sets me down in a chair grabbing a bowl. I eat in silence. The phone rings and my mom jumps up to get it.
"Oh, hello dear. Yes she is over here. Yes of course you can bring Rose over, Christina. No Tris is sick right now." I stop listening. I just don't want to think.
I stretch. I don't feel sick my head just hurts. I stop and jump up, I make it to the bathroom before the soup leaves my body.
My mother hovers around me for the next three days, Will and Christina bring me my work and help me with lessons I missed. Tobias still doesn't call. I'm on my fourth day of not leaving the house the flu had passed now I'm just playing hooky, when there's a knock. My father is home today so my mother could go help downtown with the shelter.
"How are you, son?"
"I just got back. I was suppose to get back a few days ago, but something came up. I do need to talk to you about something though, or Natalie. Which one of you knows the nurses at the hospital here? I need to know if there's an Evelyn Johnson that works there." I cover my face with the blanket at Tobias' voice.
"That would be Natalie. She'll be home in an hour. Can you stay with Tris for a while? I might as well head to the office, maybe run by and ask Natalie about that nurse."
"No problem sir." I feel the couch dip as the front door shuts. "I'm surprised they still let me be alone with you."
I shrug.
"Are you alright? I'm sorry I didn't call you I thought I was going to be home in time to surprise you." I uncover my face.
"I've been sick."
"Oh babe!" He ducks down and kisses my forehead.
"I'm not anymore." I look at him. How can I tell him about Al?
He looks at me and sighs. "I ran into Susan when I was in town. She told me about Al."
I guess I don't have to. I wiggle my way out of the blankets and crawl into his lap. "You weren't here and I needed you."
"I'm sorry." He kisses my ear. I look at him, his eyes are still so dark. I lean close and kiss him. I get up taking his hand and leading him upstairs. I can be brave for this. "Tris?" I lead him into my room, He lets go of my hand and I shut my door, turning the lock. "Tris?" I grab his face and kiss him pulling him with me to my bed. I tug at his jacket and he takes it off. My fingers go for the button on his jeans.
"Tris, Tris!" He pulls away, "what are you doing?"
I stare at him. "I need you." I pull my shirt over my head then shuck my pants. He doesn't budge.
"Put your clothes back on." He turns around showing me his back.
I ball my fists up. "Why?"
"You're doing this compromised by emotions," he picks up his jacket.
"You would have done this to me drunk, yet I'm the one that's being berated because part of me is compromised? That I need you-"
"You don't need me you're just feeling upset and hurt over Al and the fact that I wasn't there when it happened." He turns eyes blazing.
I feel like crying, "are you tired of me?"
He looks at me like I've slapped him. "What?"
"You are aren't you?" I sit on my bed. He's done with me, he's found someone better.
"No! No no no!" He walks over to me and cups my face. "I won't let you do something like this with clouded judgment." He kisses my head.
"I'm not. I'm thinking clear. I want you, Tobias. I want you." My fingers go back to the button on his jeans. His hand goes to his back pocket.
"Fine, stop me if I do anything that you change your mind about." He tilts my head up and kisses me as he pulls out his wallet. He sets it on my bedside table along with his keys. I feel his fingers fumble against mine trying to get his button undone. I pull at his shirt and give up just to reach down and peel my panties off. He gets the button undone finally and looks at me, at my fingers where I'm touching myself. He pulls his shirt off, kisses my stomach, then up to my breasts he nips at one of my nipples then the other. I hiss, fingers grabbing at his hair.
"Tobias." I kick at his pants. I see his hand reach out for his wallet, fumbling to pull out a packet. He leans back far enough to free himself. He tears open the packet and puts on the condom. I remove my fingers and spread my legs.
"Tris." He leans close and kisses me, pushing himself into me. I wince. "Shh, it'll hurt at first." I did my nails into the back of his shoulders. He presses his cheek against mine, I hear his breath leave him in ragged pants. We lie there for a few minutes then I nod, I think it's safe for him to move. His his rock against mine a little, it stings but I don't want him to know that. I dig my fingers in deeper. His hips pick up their pace. His jeans scrape against my thighs, I want to laugh at how awkward this is to me. It doesn't feel good and I'm a bit disappointed but when I sneak a peek at Tobias his expression makes it worth it. This was a stupid reason for our first time but it was worth it. I kiss his cheek and he stills looking at me.
"You're not happy." He looks hurt. "I'm hurting you aren't I?"
"No, it's just. Uncomfortable. You can continue, we'll worry about me some other time."
"This was about you, though." He ducks his head, shoulders tense.
"And if you want to make me happy then you'll continue. I love your face." I pull him close. He thrusts his hips slowly picking up speed. I kiss his head, his face, his lips. I hold him close as he pants into my neck. I can tolerate this. His body tenses with a grunt and then he sighs and rolls off of me. He pulls the condom off and walks over to the waste basket next to my dresser and throws it away. He pulls his pants up and buttons them. He grabs my clothes and hands them to me.
"I'm sorry that wasn't good for you. Do you want me to get you a rag?" He looks at me. I nod and he unlocks my door and disappears down the hall. I lean back on my bed and sigh. It wasn't good not right now. I don't understand why couples do this. Is it for that look on the person you love's face? Or at one point does it actually feel good?
I feel hands at my thighs and Tobias wipes me clean. "Are you sore? I'm so sorry! I.. you should've told me it wasn't good when we first started. I would've stopped." I lean up and kiss him. "It's fine." I get up and get dressed.
We walk back downstairs and sit on the couch, I more or less lay wrapped back up in my blankets. Head in Tobias' lap. "How was Chicago?"
"It was nice." He smiles. "So did everyone come back down here?"
I nod, choosing to not tell him about what Eric had said. "Who's Evelyn Johnson?" I trace his nose, the same nose my nurse at the hospital has.
"My mother." He closes his eyes. I look at him and I suddenly see that woman in him, I should tell him, but I won't.
"Oh?"
He looks at the front door as it opens, my parents walk in. He looks at me kissing me on my forehead. "Maybe next time will be better." He whispers in my ear before moving me and getting up. "Hello. Natalie."
"Hello, Tobias. Andrew told me you were looking for a nurse. I have a friend David at the hospital he can look for you."
"Thank you. Have a wonderful evening." He says to all of us before leaving.
