The man flicked a through a few screens on a data pad and said "You have an exceptionally high IQ, genius level really." He glanced at the young man sitting opposite.
Kirk didn't say a word.
The man continued. "Your father was the famous George Kirk, who died saving over 800 lives, including yours. Your mother got remarried to the man who became your stepfather Frank. Your brother left while you were still quite young. After that you seemed to have numerous run-ins with the law, culminating with you being sent to distant relatives' off-planet at which point you appeared to stay out of trouble for a while." The man paused and looked at Kirk watching for some sort of response. When Kirk's face remained impassive, the psychiatrist continued. "After returning to Earth you..."
Kirk glared with intense dislike at psychiatrist summarizing his entire life. The man's name was Theodore Ponte; he was a balding overweight middle-aged man and a psychiatrist at the academy. He was supposed to be conducting a psychiatric evaluation; so far he had asked Kirk a series of questions involving inkblots, his last dreams and even told Kirk to draw a picture of his feelings. Kirk was growing more and more irritated by the second and after Kirk had done as the psychiatrist instructed and drawn a picture of his feelings, the man had remarked at the drawing of himself being strangled, "remarkable insight into your mind." Things had gone downhill from that in Kirk's opinion.
Ponte finished his synopsis of Kirk's life and asked "James, how does this make you feel?"Kirk didn't respond. He let the venomous glare he was giving Ponte say it all.
Ponte made a note on in an old-fashioned notebook then tried another question. When Kirk gave no response to that one also Ponte sighed and said "If you continue to refuse to answer, I will be forced to fail you for lack of participation."
Ponte repeated his last question. "How do you feel about your father?"
Kirk didn't want to answer, but he did anyway. "I didn't know him."
"True, but how do you feel about him when you think about him?"
"Nothing really. Pride maybe... I don't know. How is this important?"
"I'm the one asking questions here Kirk." Ponte said. He continued "So you're ambivalent towards your father?"
"I didn't say that!"
"I'm categorizing your initial response of nothing. What are your feelings toward your mother?"
"This is really none of your business!" Kirk began angrily.
"Answer the question." Ponte said firmly.
"Fine!" Kirk said through gritted teeth. "She's my mother I love her"
Ponte raised his eyebrows at the quick response and made another note before saying. "No anger at what she did? Leaving you with your stepfather while she went on frequent trips. She didn't treat you differently because the same day you were born your father died? She never looked at you differently? You never felt she blamed you? None of this made you angry at her?"
"I'm not angry!"
"I didn't say you were angry, I asked were you angry with you mother?"
"This isn't—"
"Answer the question"
Kirk replied evenly. "No, I'm not angry with her."
"So you don't believe she blamed you for your father's death? You don't think that maybe she thought that if you hadn't been born that day he wouldn't have felt the need to do anything he could to ensure you lived?" Ponte arched his fingers and continued. "A part of your mother's mind wasn't subconsciously thinking any of this?"
"How am I supposed to know what my god-damn mother was thinking? Do you know what your f—king mother is thinking?"
Ponte ignored Kirk's question and made notes as he told Kirk. "There was intense anger in that outburst. And the use of invectives in relationship to the word mother indicates latent anger."
Kirk fumed.
"Let's try some more questions. How did you feel about your stepfather?"
"What is this old home week or something?"
"Answer the –"
"I didn't care for him."
"Would you elaborate?" Ponte said leaning forward.
"I just didn't like him. He was an arrogant bully and not a nice person."
"In what way?"
"None of your—"
"James, I—"
"Okay, you want to know! He beat me. Me and Sam. Until Sam left and then it was just me and that was for years until I left. Frank was a f—king bastard! " Kirk glared at Ponte and added sarcastically "There was anger at Frank in that response, make sure you make a note of that"
Ponte ignored the comment and responded. "And your mother didn't intervene?"
"Not really. She said some stuff it didn't stop."
"How did that make you feel your mother not helping you and Frank continuing to do whatever?"
Kirk gripped the edges of his chair and said "I hate Frank. Sam wouldn't have left if my Mom had stopped him, but she didn't do anything."
There was silence as Ponte made notes and Kirk breathed looked up after several minutes and said "I'd like to try some word association"
"You try whatever god-damn thing you want!" Kirk said glaring at Ponte
Ponte made another note and asked "What word springs to mind with abandonment?"
"What?"
"Abandonment, somebody not being there when you need them."
"This is stupid!"
"Answer—"
"Anger, disappointment. I don't know. It depends on the context." Kirk shouted.
"Anger and Disappointment, so is that what you feel when you think of your father?"
"I didn't mention my father!"
"But he wasn't there when you needed him. He was absent."
"He wasn't absent! He was dead!" Kirk was gripping the edges of his chair so tightly his fingers were becoming numb, but if he didn't try to strangle the chair he was going to start strangling Ponte.
"Absent or dead you father still abandoned you."
"Whatever."
"It's okay to allow yourself to feel these emotions."
"I'm not feeling anything."
"Because you won't let yourself, that's why you're having these outbursts of anger. You can't suppress your emotions."
"I'm not suppressing—fine, whatever you say."
Ponte stared at Kirk then made a note.
Kirk had had enough; he reached across and snatched the notepad Ponte was writing on from the psychiatrist. Ponte looked up in surprise, but Kirk was already flipping through the notes. Ponte spoke "James, a patient shouldn't read their own psychiatric notes some of the things written there—"
Kirk cut him off. "Are complete and utter bullsh-!" Ponte looked slightly irritated.
Kirk continued. "Your handwriting looks like a three-year olds for god sakes. And your notes are the stupidest crap I've ever read!" Kirk flipped another page and read some of it aloud "Patient appears to have unresolved anger towards several family members... Issues with abandonment and lack of maternal and paternal affection are being expressed in an unhealthy manner...Anger that was expressed toward patient as a child is being re-manifested..."
Ponte stretched out a hand "I'd like those—"
Kirk threw the notebook back to Ponte and said "have your goddamn papers... I really don't like you with your balding overweight self-righteous -stick-up-your a— self telling me what my problem is."
"So you're admitting you have a problem?
"I'm not admitting sh-!"
Ponte looked a little ruffled but tried to pick up the thread of conversation "James your-"
"That's another thing I don't like." Kirk said
"What do you not like?"
"I don't like you calling me James!"
"Your name is James. However would you rather I called you Jim or—"
"I'd rather you didn't call me anything! Not James, not Jim, not Jimmy. Not f—king anything. Nothing! You- don't- know-me!"
Ponte made another note. Kirk sat back and fumed. After a few minutes Ponte looked up and said "all this anger, your outbursts, unprovoked fights are all signs of ineffectual release of emotions. We need delve deeper into your feelings; I feel that's the key at this point."
"Yep, you're definitely right. I need to have a temper tantrum and I'll feel so much better." Kirk muttered sarcastically.
Ponte ignored the remark "Before the fights what were your feelings? What were you thinking?"
"You really want to know? Okay, I was pissed off" Kirk leaned forward and snarled. "Because they were talking about things they had no right to speak of!"
"And what didn't they have a right to speak of?" Ponte explored.
"I'm not telling you sh-!"
Ponte was unperturbed. "Was it an event in your past?"
Kirk didn't answer. Ponte continued "Something you find very disturbing now and has shaped your life more than even you realize."
Kirk still didn't speak.
"Something that has been brought up numerous times during the past few weeks and all around campus." Ponte paused and said "Was it the Kelvin they were discussing?"
Kirk glared at Ponte. "What does the f—kig Kelvin have to do with everything? What make you think I spend my whole day thinking about the Kelvin?"
"The anniversary of the Kelvin is coming soon."
"So f—king what!"
"Obviously this bothers you."
"No, you know what bothers me. It bothers me when I have to talk to an idiot who doesn't have a god-damn clue what he's talking about." Kirk stood up and shouted.
Ponte regarded him thoughtfully. "You say that the Kelvin doesn't bother you, but that outburst was much stronger than previously and it was in response to mention of the Kelvin"
Kirk gritted his teeth and sat. He tried to clear his face. Ponte gave him the impression that he was waiting for the slightest response so he could misinterpret it and give it the meaning that he wanted. Kirk waited a minute then said calmly "The Kelvin while an unfortunate incident does not bother me."
Ponte was silent for several minutes then said abruptly. "Thinking about all the people that died during that incident and your father dying to save over 800 people doesn't bother you. It doesn't bother you to imagine the despair he must have felt as life pods were destroyed and he was hoping that the one you and your mother were in survived."
Kirk didn't change his blank expression.
Ponte continued "It doesn't bother you to think of all the people that never made it off that ship, their bodies twisted in grotesque forms on the decking, a myriad of different colours of blood mingling as..."
Ponte's words dimmed as Kirk's mind wandered back.
He walked through what had once been a school. It appeared deserted. He wondered would a school have any supplies worth taking. Something skittered across the floor and Kirk started, his heart was beating wildly. It was just a bug it looked vaguely like an over-large Terran roach. For a wild moment Kirk thought about catching and eating it. His stomach rumbled, but it was already gone.
He walked toward what had once been the cafeteria and opened it. A stench greeted him, and it wasn't just the odour of half-eaten now rotten meals. He stared in horror at the sight before him.
Bodies of teachers and children lay sprawled on the floor. The walls were riddled with disruptor blasts. On the floor putrid food lay mixed with congealed puddles of several different colours of blood...
"It doesn't bother you?"
Ponte's question cut into Kirk's flashback. Kirk answered automatically thinking of what he had just seen, he couldn't lie. "It does." The words were heartfelt and Kirk's breath was coming in gasps. He glanced up but he wasn't aware of his surroundings. "I don't want anybody to die. I didn't want anybody to die. And they did and I couldn't stop it."
Kirk's chest felt tight, he could barely breathe. He looked around but he wasn't seeing Ponte's office. He was seeing the cafeteria as he walked past the dead bodies to the kitchen in the back to search for food. Ponte was staring at Kirk.
Kirk shut his eyes and whispered "I don't want to be here." But he couldn't seem to leave the memory.
"James, I understand you..."
Kirk opened his eyes and forced the memory away. Sweat coated his face, he was light-headed and his stomach was lurching unpleasantly. He felt like he had in assembly the day he had to leave half-way through.
Ponte was continuing "You deny being affected by the Kelvin but your reaction says otherwise. I think we've got to the bottom of what's affecting you. You yourself admitted just now that the Kelvin is bothering you."
Kirk didn't speak. Ponte wasn't inside Kirk's head so he couldn't have known the admission had been in response to the images Kirk had seen in his mind.
Ponte placed what was supposed to be a comforting hand on Kirk's trembling shoulder and said "I think it would be a good idea for us to stop now"
He continued "I'll be delivering my eval with recommendations to Renfield. You can wait here" He left the office.
Kirk was alone. He tried to calm down, but the sensations he was feeling weren't getting any better. His heart was racing like he had just run a marathon; his uniform was soaked with sweat and any moment he felt like he was going to be sick.
He reached across and took a sip of water from a glass sitting on a table. It didn't help. He closed his eyes and leaned downward putting his head between his legs. He opened his eyes as a drop of sweat dripped off the tip of his nose and he saw the carpet below him. It was a multicoloured design, flecks of several different colours mingled together like... The pools of blood that coated the floor, darkened rusty reddish-brownish, silvers that had faded to chalky white, blues that were...
The rest of the thought faded as acid erupted into Kirk's mouth. He straightened up, put a hand over his mouth, quickly stumbled the few steps to a rubbish bin near Ponte's desk and vomited. It was mostly alcohol and bile that he brought up, he had barely eaten anything in three days.
When the nausea faded, he spat to clear his mouth and pushed himself to his feet. He unsteadily moved back to his seat and collapsed into it. Outside the room he heard the sound of Renfield and Ponte discussing him. Kirk closed his eyes and listened to the snatches of their conversation filtering through the door.
"—recommend at least three months counselling..."
"Cadet Pierce, who he attacked, had eight infractions prior. He was under review for dismissal anyway..."
"-numerous issues are contributing to..."
"-Kirk had a clean record in the academy preceding these incidents-"
"A lot of latent anger—"
"-The Kelvin was a very troubling event to him-"
Kirk didn't want to hear anymore. He stood up and moved toward the window, where the Renfield's and Ponte's conversation was indistinct. He stared out, watching the cadets walking across the square below.
They were laughing, talking, and enjoying themselves. They were acting like he would have if he wasn't so screwed up. Kirk rested his hands on the window sill and leaned his head against the glass. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted back...
It was late afternoon. A day earlier, he had found a tattered football in the rubble of a school. A group of kids were gathered outside a cave. He was trying in vain to explain to them how to play football. A few kids from Earth knew already, but most didn't especially the ones that weren't human.
Sevek, after questioning Kirk extensively on the objective, purpose and rules of the game, had declared it was illogical. His exact words had been "illogical to risk injury, through tackling somebody in an attempt to gain subjective points and the game is a waste of valuable time and energy."
Sami and an Andorian boy started arguing and what should have been a pass turned into a melee' of kicks and punches. He had eventually managed to separate them, after a few more minutes everybody had at least some idea of what was going on. At Carla's insistence the game became touch foot ball. It was the most ragtag game ever. When it ended there was no clear idea who had won, and they all were tired. But he would never forget the smiles on the other kids' faces as for a few minutes they all forgot where they were and...
"Kirk...Kirk?"
He opened his eyes and turned around. Renfield was standing behind him.
She saw his distracted look and said with a touch of irritation. "Was I interrupting something?"
"No, Ma'am." Kirk responded, straightening up.
Renfield raised an eyebrow at his formal tone, but didn't comment. Wordlessly she sat and gestured for him to do likewise.
Kirk sat. He didn't feel anger, he didn't feel irritation. He felt exhausted and drained.
Renfield spoke "I've discussed you with Ponte and he believed you can return to class as long as you agree to come in for counselling sessions and have no further episodes like today."She continued "He believes your behaviour is a response to the nearing anniversary of the Kelvin"
Kirk didn't speak.
She said sternly "But I'd like to hear what you have to say about your actions before I make a decision."
She fell silent and waited for him to speak. Kirk moistened his lips. He realised that fighting people for making rude and insensitive comments about Tarsus IV wasn't helping anything. In fact it was hurting a lot. He was in danger of losing the only thing that had given him purpose. He was in danger of losing the only thing that had given him a reason to live and not just exist: Starfleet.
Kirk couldn't throw away his place in Starfleet. He couldn't walk away from it no matter how much he wanted to. He had to stay, because somehow he had to justify his existence. He had to find a reason for why he had lived when so many had died. Before Pike had all but dared him to join he had lived from day to day waiting for the day when he wouldn't have to anymore. If he left Starfleet, the rest of his life would be fast and short. One day all too soon he would wind up in a deserted alley, lying in a pool of blood as his life spilled out of him. Or his body would be twisted in the wreckage of a vehicle as he took his last drunken breaths.
"I regret my actions" Kirk began seriously. He continued "I demonstrated behaviour unbefitting a cadet in Starfleet. I showed a disregard for authority and if I was to be expelled, I would deserve it."
Renfield frowned slightly; she had never heard Kirk repentant for anything or as serious as he was now.
Kirk continued. "But, I'm asking for a second chance."
Renfield stared at Kirk and said "I have serious doubts whether Ponte's counselling had this effect on you but the words you said just now were the most sincere you've ever spoken." Renfield added "You're still on probation. If you step a toe out of line, I will personally draw up the paperwork expelling you."
Kirk nodded and said "Yes, Ma'am."
"Don't make me regret this Kirk. Whatever differences you have with somebody, it had better not get physical."
"Yes, Ma'am." Kirk repeated.
There was silence as Renfield watched Kirk for a good five minutes like he was a science experiment. Finally she shook her head and "Dismissed."
Kirk left the office. He passed by Ponte as he left, but he didn't say anything to the man. Kirk kept his promise. He didn't attack anybody. He pent-up the anger and instead turned it all on himself.
Next Chapter Update will be February 22th. Sorry for taking a while to update, but I had a lot of death in my life this past week and it's been hard to post with everything that's going on. Still, no excuses. This story is nearly finished and I've been working on the deleted scenes, I'm unsure whether to post those after the story is finished or to post them now. Anyway, specific questions for this chapter are how was the counselling session with Ponte and Kirk? What did you like/hate about the chapter? There are only 4 more chapters after this so feel free to let me know your opinion. Thanks to all my favouriters, followers, but most especially reviewers.
