A/N: I choose you, generic horny pervert! The following story is not recommended for fans of N-Dubz... or anything else for that matter. Also, this link may or may not be helpful: ./music/2010/jan/15/ndubz-dappy-death-threats ... only time will tell.


It was another dreary...grey day in the Mist Village. As per usual everyone was going about with their daily bloodshed and carnage and the seven swordsmen... were doing absolutely nothing.

"Hello son!" or at least, the moment the doors flung open, that's exactly what Kisame wished they were doing.

"Oh god! Mum promised me you were gone!" His eyes widened, all the seaworld jokes in the world would never prepare his team mates for what his family were actually like.

"Well your mother's a liar and a whore!"

"Wh-what? My mother's a saint."

"Yes...but that's not the point."

"What was the point? Why are you even here?"

"I...wanted to catch up...? and I needed a place to stay." his dad replied, desperately trying to prevent his son from realising the first part was a complete lie.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Kisame, have you seen my sword?" a still half asleep Zabuza asked, stumbling into the room without paying attention to his surroundings. "I need it to make a sandwich. I think I was using it to prop up a table or something... I dunno."

"Hello gorgeous" Kisame's dad began, with a rather terrifying smile. "You know, I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to Uranus."

"I'M NOT GAY! Why would you even think that? I don't even know who you are and you just come in here assuming that I'm gay... how very dare you."

"That's exactly why you can't stay here." Kisame groaned, it hadn't even been 10 minutes yet and he was already wishing that his dad would just leave.

"Why? Because that man's gay?"

"No, because you're a creepy old man. You'll creep everybody out!"

"ZABUZA WHAT THE FUCK? I woke up this morning, couldn't see out of one eye and then I looked in the mirror. Fuck you!" Of course, the instant Kyouki burst into the room, Zabuza had immediately fallen to the floor in hysterical laughter. However, it took Kisame at least 5 minutes to realize she was actually referring to the crude, plastic eyepatch, superglued to her face.

"So... you're a young pirate? Well, did you know that I...am the King of the pirates." it was said with so much grandeur and such an inflated sense of self-worth that the statement was obviously supposed to be impressive... however, such things are lost on someone who has an ego so big it can barely fit in the village.

"...THE FUCK YOU ARE! I'M THE KING OF THE PIRATES!"

"Don't be ridiculous woman, you can't be a King, you're a woman. But don't worry, you could be a princess, especially since you're marrying Kisame and he's the prince of the pirates!... although that might count as a career and you'll have to give that up as soon as your baby comes." Tatsuya said, in his usual habit of appearing out of thin air just so he could be annoying.

"What? You're marrying this girl? She's already pregnant?...why didn't you invite me to your wedding? These are the things you're supposed to tell your dad!" However, the only response he received from his son, was the loud smack of Kisame's head hitting the table... god only knows how many times he had already done that today.

"..."

"It's true, he is a terrible son." Tatsuya took it upon himself to reply in this situation, since everyone else was clearly in far too much despair. "He didn't even tell us you were coming! But you know, now that you're here you might as well stay a few nights!"

"I don't like where this is going...Zabuza, let's go see Ao!" Kyouki said, practically dragging Zabuza out of the room – by the neck – and slamming the door behind them.

"So... is it because he's gay that you feel comfortable letting her go alone with him?"

"...I don't care who she goes with." Kisame grumbled, not quite finding the energy to lift his head from where he slammed it into the table.

"Ah, so it's an open relationship, you don't care who she sleeps with dot dot dot"

"You know what, I do care. You stay away." he raised his head just enough to give his father and exasperated look. God damn Tatsuya for inviting him to stay.

"I KNEW IT! You do love her! Are you going to set a date now? Actually, I'll do it, I'll plan everything, I love weddings! Except my wedding...I'm never getting married... unless Danzo asks."

"Sure Tatsuya, whatever." Kisame replied, not really willing to question if it was Danzo the wrinkly old man from the Leaf Village, Tatsuya was talking about.

"Ok, great. I'll start right away."

Elsewhere

"Open your fucking door right now, Ao!" Kyouki yelled, after having nearly knocked Ao's door completely off its hinges simply because he refused to open it quick enough for her liking.

"Oh my god, he looks just like you!"

"Zabuza... that's the door."

"Oh my god, he looks just like you." he said again, much to his relief the door was actually open this time.

"We look nothing alike Zabuza." Kyouki sighed, beginning to seriously doubt Zabuza's vision... probably with good reason. "...except for the eyepatch."

"You know, even with that you still don't look like much of a pirate." he remarked, contemplating buying a parrot and a wooden leg for his next 'practical joke'.

"SHUT UP."

"Say Zabuza, you're a strong confident man, aren't you? We should go for coffee sometime." Although, in English, people would probably just say hello...Ao was a strange man, one look at him was enough to tell you that.

"...Why did you bring me here? I'm sorry, ok? It'll come off in a couple of days..." Zabuza fell into a sudden panic. Clearly, he was one of those people who had never seen Ao before.

"No, I don't think that's good enough..." Kyouki mumbled in reply. "Ao, Zabuza would love to go for coffee with you. What time?"

"Oh about 5-ish, I know a really cozy place."

"Oh god no, anything but this...I'm sorry, I'll never do it again!"

"And you know what else? Zabuza would probably love to come round yours afterwards... if you know what I mean..." she continued, smirking to herself.

"OH GOD NO! Really, I'll do anything you want... for a week!"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Bye Ao!"

Back At The Base

"Hello everyone~"

"You thought I was creepy? This lovely young man here is very creepy."

"You just called Raiga lovely...get out!" Sadly for Kisame, his attempts to make his Dad leave were still a complete failure.

"I'm a very lovely man."

"...what?" Kisame wondered if it may have just been something wrong with him, but for some reason, all his team mates seemed more ridiculous than usual today...

"Hey you guys! How's your day been?" Choujuurou said, attempting to be polite... what an idiot.

"What the hell is that? Look at it's face, it's disgusting!" Kisame's dad grimaced, for once finding something he really wouldn't tap.

"Oh that Choujuurou... he's kind of like a dog... a dog we love to kick." Kyouki said, returning to the base, a very sullen looking Zabuza stood right behind her.

"How did you guys get back so quickly?" Kisame asked, probably wishing that they had taken... several hours longer.

"...Ao lives next door."

"Don't. Even mention. His name." Zabuza choked out, sounding as if he was about to break down and cry at any given moment.

"Who, Ao? Ao next door? That Ao?"

"Shut up, Kyouki!"

"So... Kyouki is it? I haven't got a bed tonight... can I share yours?"

"No, but I'm sure Zabuza will let you share his..."

"No."

"Zabuza, you promised me. You swore. In blood. Out side this door. I stabbed you in the wrist... YOU'RE STILL BLEEDING!"

"Please...no... I'm not gay, I promise"

"You'll have to admit it one day Zabuza, why not now?" Kyouki said, in as derisive a manner as she could manage.

"...I'm leaving."

"Oooh, he's taking a hissy fit." Raiga added, in an equally derisive tone.

"I HATE YOU ALL!"

"Soooo, it's just the two of us now?"

"Uhhh no it's not, Raiga, Kisame and Choujuurou are still here."

"...and? I'm sure they won't mind."

"Yes we will!" Choujuurou said, his young mind not prepared to deal with issues like these.

"I finished planning your wedding!" Tatsuya burst into the room, carrying with him several million sheets of paper... one of which looked more like a child's drawing of an oak tree than anything else.

"How did you do it so quickly?" Kisame asked, slightly taken aback that Tatsuya had taken him seriously.

"Well to be honest, I've been planning this for ages."

"Whose wedding is it?" Kyouki asked, only to receive an extremely murderous glance from Tatsuya.

"...YOUR WEDDDING! Are you so self-absorbed that you forgot you're marrying Kisame? I have discussed everything with you fiancé and all the details have been dealt with, the date has been set, all the invitations have been sent. You can't back out now, you're having his baby!"

"...I haven't got an invitation."

"THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT REAL! He's insane okay? Absolutely bat shit crazy!"

"...I see, so you're actually available! Trying to keep her all to yourself, eh. Like father, like son!" he said, turning to Kisame, who merely twitched his eye and slammed his head against the table once more.

"Did someone just say, eh?"

"Your accent is beautiful."

"I'm leaving...eh."

"I'm not crazy, that's just mean...you're mean. Is it because you're all hormonal? I understand you know, since you're pregnant...with Kisame's baby. Because I'll kill you if it's anyone else's." Tatsuya said, in complete ignorance of the fact that the entire course of conversation in the room had just changed.

"Who else's could it possibly be?" Kisame replied, immediately grimacing when he actually heard what he said.

"Kisame, you're really not helping..."

"OBVIOUSLY, WHO ELSE'S COULD IT BE? YOU WERE IN THE ROOM AT THE TIME!" Zabuza, obviously too lazy to get up and actually go and speak to Tatsuya, yelled from wherever it was he was hiding upstairs.

"I'M TRYING TO FORGET THAT."

"FORGET IT? YOU WERE UNCONCIOUS, DIPSHIT. YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL I TOLD YOU. AND I'M THE ONE WHO WALKED IN ON IT ALL."

"WELL, THAT'S NOT THE POINT...ANYWAY, DO YOU WANT A SANDWICH?"

"YEAH, SURE"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT IN IT?"

"...I CAN'T BE BOTHERED THINKING ABOUT IT. THINK FOR ME."

"EGG AND HAM IT IS. WOMAN, MAKE ME AND ZABUZA A SANDWICH!"

"I can't... I'm too... pregnant..." she rolled her eyes, at least Tatsuya would take it as an actual excuse.

"Damn... Choujuurou make me and Zabuza a sandwich."

"I can't, I might drop the knife and cut off my foot, that's why my sword isn't sharp..."

"GODDAMMIT I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE!" Tatsuya yelled, flailing his arms about and storming out of the room, turning the radio on as he went.

"And now N-Dubz here with their new song"

"My God, you know what I hate? I hate their fans. I hate anyone who's ever listen to their music and liked it, I hate anyone who has heard their music and might like it, I hate anyone who will like them in the future, I hate anyone who knows them, I hate any of their dogs, I hate any of their cats, I hate their faces and I especially HATE N-DUBZ!"

"Calm down, Kyouki. It's just a song..."

"Choujuurou, you know what a good song would be?" She asked, Choujuurou merely shook his head in response, not willing to answer in case Kyouki turned round and punched him right in the face. "Your mum screaming in pain. But even that wouldn't make their music any good because you'd still here their shitness through it!"

"You say that now, but I bet you wouldn't say it to their faces..." Tatsuya said, returning to the room after failing to make a sandwich.

"Where's the phone? Someone find me the goddamn phone. Choujuurou, go get the phone and tell me the number." She paused for all of three seconds before deciding that Choujuurou just wasn't moving fast enough for her liking "WHY ISN'T THE PHONE IN MY HAND YET CHOUJUUROU?"

"Choujuurou, I'd seriously hurry up if I were you..."

"Took your fucking time. Now..." she said, grabbing the phone from Choujuurou's hand "YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK, YOUR MUSIC IS SHIT. I HATE YOU!... now I feel slightly better."

1 Hour Later

"Uhh Kyouki... you've got a text, eh." Mangetsu said, waving the phone in the air, after having finally decided it was safe enough to return to the lounge.

"Oh? Can you read it for me?"

"It says..." He paused for a moment, after realizing what it said he was unwilling to read out the actual contents of the message "your complaints have been noted but your comment...was very mean, eh."

"Give it here, Mangetsu." Kisame sighed, grabbing the phone from the pseudo-Canadian "What it actually says is... well, I can't read it word for word, this man's spelling is terrible. No wonder you hate him, he's an idiot! I think it says that he hate you and is going to kill you, but don't quote me on that, I might be wrong."

"Oh, he wants a fight does he? I'll give him a goddamn fight! Where's my sword? I actually want to use it this time!"

"You seem awfully grumpy today, did you get up on the wrong side of bed?... did she son?"

"We are not. Sleeping together."

"Oh so it was just a one night stand?"

"...I hate my family."

Several Hours later, Half-way around the world

"N-dubz, where are they? Find them!" God only knows how the seven swordsmen had managed to travel half way around the world, especially since they all insisted on carrying weapons with them. However, 32 countries and 400 random people pulled over in the street, and Kyouki and Raiga were still no closer to finding N-Dubz.

"Je ne sais pas."

"THIS MAN IS SPEAKING GIBBERISH!" Kyouki yelled, releasing the death grip she had on the collar of the man's shirt.

"No, no, no Kyouki. It's just French." Raiga pointed out. "Où sont N-Dubz?... This man is looking at me funny... I think we should go. Erosame might have raped everyone by now."

"...Erosame?"

"Kisame's dad."

"Oh... well that's not important. We only have one damn country left to visit."

"Which is?" Raiga sighed, slightly disappointed that they had visited all these countries and no one had ever given him the time to go and look for...foreign children, although deep down inside he knew exactly why that was.

"England."

Some hours later

"Where are we exactly?"

"Hull, I think..." Choujuurou replied, though all he really knew was that wherever they were, it was an absolutely disgusting place.

"Oh, so that's why it's a complete shit hole." Zabuza said, as if the answer had been obvious all along.

"Look at that girl, you can practically see her uterus! She would be way too easy, I prefer a bit of a challenge, which is why I won't give up on you!"

"Can we please just kill N-Dubz and go?" Kyouki's eye twitched, really the last thing she needed today was someone else to add to her ever increasing hit list.

"Yes, we should try and get back as quickly as possible, so you and I can get better acquainted."

"How are you so creepy? What kind of childhood did you have?"

"I'm just seeking comfort, my mother never hugged me enough... perhaps you could help with that."

"My mum never hugged me either..." Choujuurou said, missing the entire point of Erosame's statement and attempting to offer some sympathy.

"I'm not surprised, you're sickening. Get away from me."

"I remember when my mum was killed...good times." Tatsuya muttered, more to himself than anyone else...although the others better have been listening to him, if they hadn't he'd give them a rant so long by the time he'd finished they'd all be dead... even Raiga...

"You know, I might stay for a while. I could get to know all of you a lot better... except the glasses one and my son, incest is a bit too far."

"This man is going to out creep me... apart from Choujuurou which one of you is the youngest?... Kyouki, come here! I need to sleep with you!" Raiga said, panicking over how in just one day his entire claim to fame could be stolen from him.

"What, no! Why the hell is it always me? He said incest was a bit too far, go do that!"

"I don't have any family. I evolved from a 9000 year old mushroom. Now get your ass over here!"

"Raiga, shut up." Kisame swore that by the end of the day he was going to kill every single one of them, and he really wasn't going to regret it.

"Oh, getting defensive are we? Defending your woman's honour? That is so like you, deny you guys have a relationship but then whenever someone comes near her you go COMPLETELY insane. You must really be in love with her, I bet you can't wait for-" Unfortunately for Tatsuya he never got to finish his rant. As he was sadly interrupted for a short chavvy man, who we now know to be Dappy.

"Yo bluds. You lucky peoples want to come to me concert, yeah. Well I is gonna-"

"Oh my god, you're really short!" Having had to bite her lip ever since he started talking, Kyouki decided that the only way to prevent herself from bursting into hysterical laughter at the man, simply, because he was a midget. "Even Choujuurou's taller than you... go stand next to Kisame, it'll amuse me."

"Frank...Frank...Frank..." after receiving no response from his shaky, low whisper, Tatsuya immediately attempted to get someone else's attention "...Zabuza."

"What?"

"...He interrupted me."

"I don't care." Zabuza rolled his eyes, uninterested in both Tatsuya's constant whining and whatever crap Dappy was talking.

"BUT HE INTERRUPTED ME! Where's my stick, I'll get him!"

"You left it behind Tatsuya, it's the only thing propping up your ceiling. And it's a sword, not a stick."

"Really?"

"Innit blud."

"What? Repeat that in English, eh."

"When did you get here, Mangetsu?" Kisame asked, he could have sworn that Mangetsu died earlier on that day... or something like that.

"...I've been here all along, eh."

"Innit though blud." Dappy said, not quite realising that what he just said made absolutely no more sense than his previous 'innit blud'.

"Do you even know what blood is? Look this is blood." She said, grabbing Zabuza by his – still bleeding – wrist "It's red and sticky... I like the colour red, I might just paint the walls with you... JESUS CHRIST ZABUZA, WHAT ARE YOU, A HAEMOPHILIAC?"

"Does insanity run in your family?" Raiga asked, up until now he along with most other people had had the impression that Kyouki was somewhat calm, how wrong they were...

"A lot of things run in our family." Kyouki shrugged, not even bothering to turn round.

"Not my incredible high cheek bones."

"Yes they do, I have them too." she sighed, releasing Zabuza's wrist and turning round just so she could point them out to Tatsuya.

"Then I'll cut them off."

"...Tatsuya, just go stand in the corner."

Now, we shan't go into too much detail about what happened after this, because N-Dubz are quite frankly sickening and listening to any more of their oh-so-wonderful speeches may cause your IQ to plummet dramatically. Let's just say, that as per usual Dappy failed to engage his brain when he spoke, leaving the entirety of Hull painted an interesting shade of crimson.

The Next Day

"You know what? I really like it here. I might stay forever because you know, I really like you all in your own special way...except from... Choujuurou? Because you." Erosame pointed to Zabuza "Are blatantly gay. Your accent is lovely, Mangetsu. You Tatsuya... you're a bit of a character." he then looked at Raiga "You're a... refined gentleman? And you, Kyouki. You're rather fiesty, it's no wonder my son's lying to keep you all to himself."

"LEAVE ME AND MY HORRIBLE PERSONALITY ALONE!"

"You know, this reminds me of another rant..." Tatsuya said, glaring daggers at Kyouki.

15 Years Previously

"You know what? Because you're my cousin, I'm going to look out for you, because that's what family does." A 9-year old Tatsuya said to the 2-year old Kyouki, who could barely contemplate where she was, let alone what he was saying to her. "I shall help you whenever you need me and I'll teach you things that'll help you later on in life. I'll give you your first life lesson right now!"

2 Hours Later

"...so when you start school go in standing tall, the first impression you give is the most important and as a ninja you must never show any sort of fear, even if it's just being nervous...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? Right...JUST FOR THAT I'LL START ALL OVER AGAIN!"