Life is good. He shocks himself with that thought, it certainly isn't one he's ever had before, but he thinks it now.

He's no idiot, he knows things could go wrong, that they probably will, but right now he's content with the fact that he is actually happy.

He's not pretending to be like he usually is, he isn't punching walls behind closed doors, he's not healed, he probably never will be completely. He still has nightmares, he still has days when he wants to cry himself stupid over words he wishes he couldn't remember, but does. He still flinches when people get too close, or touch him unexpectedly, he figures that those things will always be there, he's starting to be able to live with that.

This new change in his mentality is all down to Louise. The most perfect girl in the world. Gorgeous chestnut hair, mesmerising deep grey eyes, he imagines can see straight to his soul. The most important fact about this amazing woman, she loves him.

It's not just her he supposes, it's a mixture of new and wonderful circumstances.

He feels at home here in Ohio, he's a celebrated member of the football team, he belongs to a fraternity, his grades are good, he's well liked, mostly because of the team, he has to admit he is damn good.

Another factor in this strange new world, he has a best friend, for the first time. In the past, he never allowed himself to have friends, not close ones anyway. He didn't want to risk them noticing his scars. Physical and otherwise.

Ryan doesn't mention things like that, he's a smart guy and after asking him about his family, his childhood and all the normal things you ask to get too know someone, a question had him diving for the nearest bathroom. He never brought it up again. They became fast friends after that, inseparable. Ryan takes care of him, he has his back, wouldn't let him down. It's a nice feeling.

So yeah, life is good for a change and he's being cautiously optimistic that things will stay this way.

He's practically skipping to his dorm room, he has a big night ahead of him, he is going to tell Louise he wants to be with her for the rest of his life.

His heart stops beating, a chill runs down his spine as his brain begins to comprehend the image in front of his eyes.

Louise and Ryan. Together. In his bed. Oh god.

They notice his presence and scramble around, once they are covered up the apologises start. He does not want them. They will not help. He can't speak, can't explain in words the emotions tearing him up inside. He knew this was too good to be true. He turns and walks away, he wonders if he can walk forever .if can walk far enough away that the pain will get tired of keeping up.

Later when he's sitting in the middle of the football field, a place where he has always felt valued, he blames himself.

He told himself all his life don't get too close, don't trust in people, he forgot all those lessons he taught himself on how to survive and opened himself up. He won't be doing that again.

He can almost see the walls rising up around his heart, no one is going to make it past them again, and he will gladly let himself be lonely if it means he never has to feel this agony raging in his heart ever again.

He doesn't care that he spent most of his life, trying to make people love him, right now he is giving up hope that he will ever be important to another human being.

Ryan said he had his back. He thought he was his friend.

He thought he made Louise happy. She told him that.

Then he heard his father's voice coming back to haunt him, and he shoves away memories of that fateful night he stood in his father's office and learned how unlovable he is.

"Don't always believe what you are told boy" The statement rings in his ears, deafening him.

He feels sick now, because the man right, he should have listened harder, he should have remembered them sooner.

He curses his own stupidity. He should have known better. He thought he was stronger than that now, he was wrong, he is still worthless, he just forgot that for a while.

He is paying the price for that now, a tear drops from his eye and he growls in anger at himself. Letting people get close enough to hurt him this much was enough of a weakness for one day. He was not going to cry. He knew what he needed to do.

He strides with determination, and stops in front of the teams bench. He drops to his knees and takes a deep breath, and then he slams his face onto to the hard surface.

He recovers quickly and leans back letting the blood fall freely from his face. He shakes his head slightly as his actions sink in, he doesn't regret what he just did.

After all, a broken nose is easier to fix, than a broken heart.

He hates himself even more for thinking about that day, the day that was up there as one of the worst of his life. The day that reminded him that, his father was rarely wrong.

He remembers all too well, the stinging betrayal he could not ignore. The hopelessness beginning to eat away at him, then the pain from his face made itself known and he felt oddly relieved.

He hadn't pulled a stunt like that in years. It felt good and that scared him a little. It does not scare him now.

He always chose the football field to go to when things were bad. When he was on that field, he was valued and liked, people looked to him to win the game and celebrated when he did. He felt like he belonged.

He can't capture that feeling anymore, it got swallowed up in his despair. Maybe it was lost when his chance of a football career was. It does not matter when it was lost though, all that matters is that it is gone. That he now feels so out of place, so uncomfortable in his own skin.

No one wants him, the only place he belongs is in the ground.

Then it suddenly dawns on him that he still has a gun to his head, that he was once again caught up in his traitorous mind instead of pulling the trigger.

He takes a deep breath and remembers the satisfaction he always got when he hurt himself.

This will be the ultimate relief, he smiles.

It will finally be over.

"Tony, you need to put the gun down"

He is not smiling now.