Sorry for the wait. I'm slowly trying to come into a routine of getting all my WIPs updated and written now that all three kids are in school. As always, thank you for your patience.
Thank you to Kyla713 and Darcysmom for looking this over and Packy for reading.
Um, there might be a slight canon twist in this chapter... I'll just leave you to it.
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"Sometimes even our best intentions fail us," Carlisle said as he sat down next to me, facing the same wall I had faced for the last twenty four hours.
Bella hadn't emerged from her room after a few hours, and I listened to her pace, go into her bathroom, and cry. Still, I sat and stared out of a window, afraid to move from my spot.
I didn't acknowledge him. I knew he had more to say; I was better off just listening. I was so far into my own head that I didn't even care to listen in on his thoughts.
"Hindsight can be such a curse, don't you think? It leaves us with the 'well, if only I had done this' instead. Bit unfair, really. Though, Alice..." Carlisle chuckled, and I finally looked over at him, taking in my father. He looked calm, but his eyes gave way to worry.
"Even if we had Alice's capabilities, it all comes down to listening to them. If you had listened two years ago...if you had taken your mate into account... if you had just let yourself revel in the moment instead of worrying about the what ifs, then we wouldn't be here." He sighed before continuing. "But here we are again... with the same problem, hinging on almost the same outcome."
"I'm not going to run this time if that is what you're afraid of," I said loud enough so that hopefully Bella would hear me through her door. "I can't. It's impossible."
Carlisle sighed and shook his head, his thoughts scrambled enough so that I couldn't decipher them. "It's not you that I'm worried will run this time."
I hadn't even thought of that. I'd always been used to Bella being the strong one, even in the very beginning of our relationship two years before, I expected it. Faced with the possibility of it at the moment, I wasn't sure If I would survive her being the one to leave.
And yet she survived when you left her. She pulled herself together enough to force her way to stay with your family, to find you.
I wanted to ask him why he thought she'd run, but I think deep down, I knew and feared his answers. She'd simply run for the same reason I ran back then. Fear. Fear of the unknown and unpredictability of our future. She had nothing to trust, and her fears, as much as I didn't want to admit it, were justifiable. I had given her no reason, based on my past actions, to believe that I'd never leave when the going got tough.
Almost as if Carlisle knew what I was thinking, his kind thoughts entered my head. Maybe now is the time that you should show her that you're serious, that you do want to keep her forever. She needs to know just what forever is to you. Tell her how you envision the future.
"And if she doesn't listen? Then what? I just let it be? Because Carlisle..."
"I'm not saying that at all. You need to fight for her. Since day one, she always fought for you, even when you pushed her away in the beginning. She was patient, and I bet just as scared of something new as you were, and still are."
Plans started to form in my head as I leaned back and closed my eyes. I thought back on our first meeting; the way her heart sped up, her eyes dilated, and the smell of her as she entered the classroom. The way it all changed me in an instant. Two years later, and I still didn't count saving her in Port Angeles and taking her to dinner as being our first date. I didn't think I ever truly gave her a date.
Operation Show Bella The Meaning of Forever was born.
"I think you've got it figured out now, son," Carlisle said before he stood up. "I need my third daughter to stick with us. Even if she doesn't think so, she's the final piece to this puzzle we call our family."
As Carlisle walked away, I listened in on Bella. I heard shuffling and quiet sniffles as she moved around her room. Drawers were being opened and closed, fabric rubbed together.
Was she packing? Leaving me?
I stood up quickly, my head bowed against the door, my right hand splayed across it, as if I could somehow feel her through the door. I knocked softly. "Bella?"
"Go away, Edward."
"No. Can we please talk?"
Her footsteps moved closer to the door and I could hear her harsh breaths as her hand landed on the doorknob. She turned it slowly, but didn't open it. Her head softly banged on the door as she sighed. "We have nothing more to say."
"You may not have anything more to say, Bella, but I have a lot that I need to and want to say to you. Please let me in."
If my heart still beat, it would be pounding out of my chest as I became strangled with a panic attack. I can't lose her, not now.
"I need to leave, Edward. It hurts to be here." At her reply, I banged my head on the door. She was breaking me in two. I supposed that was how she felt when I left her. I felt lost at the thought of her leaving.
"Would you really leave me now after trying to find me for two years?" I asked, desperation coating my voice.
"That isn't fair." She sobbed; the door still remained closed.
"You were never the one to give up on us, why now?" I asked, my hand circling the door knob, close to pulling it open, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. That had to be on her terms.
I listened as her body sagged down the door as tears overtook her. So I kept on talking, hoping something would anchor her to me.
"You were strong enough for the both of us, believed in us when I was too scared. I guess now we've switched roles," I told her, my eyes closing as I tried to shut out the emotional onslaught I was feeling. "Would it help to know that I am scared, Bella? That I'm afraid of losing you?"
Her next words to me broke me apart. "You were never scared before, Edward. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, you were always only half there with me as you tried to push me away. You never truly wanted me." A sob broke free as the scent of her tears became stronger. "I was all in, greedily taking anything you would give me, and still, you stood behind the wall you erected around yourself."
When truth hits you, it really hurts.
"I am sorry for that, Bella. I really am. If I could go back and have a redo, I would." I sighed, my fist clenching. "Can I please come in now? I really need to see you."
"If I let you in, my walls will crumble. And right now, I really can't afford that."
"Where did I go wrong this time, Bella? I thought we were going to take a chance on us, move forward?" I asked, suddenly needing the answers.
"It wasn't you."
"If it wasn't me, then what, Bella? Tell me what to do, because I honestly can't lose you. And I'm losing you, I can feel it deep down in my bones." My voice wavered with emotion in my reply, fissures of my soul I long since buried began to pull me apart.
"Why did you search for me?" I asked before slamming my fist against the door. "Why did you waste two years of your life if you are just going to run from it now?"
Bella hurriedly stood up and opened the door. Her eyes held a fiery passion as tears tumbled down her cheek. "It was never a waste, Edward!" She wiped her tear-stained cheeks as she stayed rooted in her spot. "I didn't search for you just for me. Your family will always need you. I did it for them."
"But what about you? Don't you not need me? Because standing here, watching us break apart, I can honestly tell you that I need you. I will always need you."
"You didn't need me two years ago when you left me, falling apart in that forest," she countered. "You didn't need me when you made the choice to break my heart into a million pieces. And you sure as hell didn't need me when you decided to take the one true family I've found away from me." Bella crumpled to the ground, her arms came around herself, as if she was holding herself together while she sobbed. The urge to wrap her up in my arms was strong, but I stayed back, unsure if she wanted my touch.
"Now do you see why I can't be here? You never wanted a forever with me before, so why would you want one now? You may say you want it, let me in again, and then leave when something else comes along. You left after you promised you'd never leave me." She looked up at me as her voice cracked with emotion. "I can't trust your promises anymore."
"Then I will prove to you that you can trust me and my promises again," I replied, kneeling down on the floor to bring myself level with her.
"I wanted to believe that a few days ago...I wanted to believe that I was getting closer to a forever with you, but things will never be the same again. I spent so much time trying to find you, that I refused to think about myself, what it would mean for me once I did find you. I think it all has caught up with me. Now, I need to live for me."
Never, in all of my years had I ever let out as gut-wrenching a sob as I did then. I wrapped around myself as cries poured out of me. I truly felt as if my soul was tearing itself in half.
Bella stood up and turned her back on me as she walked to her bed and grabbed her bags and suitcase and began walking back towards me and the door. I looked up enough to watch her walk around me and out her bedroom door.
"Are you leaving me? Is this the end?" I asked, growing numb with each word I uttered.
"I have to."
"No, you don't. You can stay. We can find our way again."
"Our path was lost long ago, Edward."
My breath came in quick short pants as an emotional black hole engulfed me. I could hardly move, and I could do nothing but stare as Bella walked away from me and down the hall, taking my chance at survival with her.
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