A/N: Thank you for the reviews, alerts, & subscriptions. I haven't replied back to any of you directly, but I REALLY appreciate it. I used to find authors who held updates for ransom annoying but I totally get where they are coming from. (Admit it, can't you see Rachel doing the same thing?) That being said, you should all thank those who have posted reviews for making me decide to update instead of doing my taxes this afternoon. I was going to give you shout outs by name, but I started to overanalyze how I would do it- LIFO, FIFO, 1X/review, 1X total, extra thanks for longer reviews or for responding to the reader challenge. (And again, can't you see Rachel doing that as well?) I was making me want to set myself on fire so I decided to take advice from Puck instead of Rachel on this matter and use less words. The easiest and least neurotic way to say thank you was to just post. So this is me. Posting. Mahalo nui loa.
PS This post is also a thank you to all of you amazing authors who post both here and on LJ. If something you read tickles the back of your mind and makes you think of your own story, please be Gleeful and remember that imitation is the highest form of flattery. I tip my very blunt pen in deference to your sharp wits.
Chapter 11 – Bankrupt.
I could taste what he wasn't saying in the crush of his lips and the stroke of his tongue. He thinks he's so clever when he makes me eat the words he knows he shouldn't say when he feeds me his kiss. But I've known him since we were four. I can read him. And he is calling me a liar.
For a moment the heat I feel isn't sexual and my limbs twitch wanting to reach for him to punish, not pleasure. The fact that he's absolutely right is infuriating.
Amazingly I don't let his kiss drug me into submission. I gather all of my strength and shove him so hard he stumbles backward and bounces off the laundry room wall.
"Fuck Rachel! What the hell was that for?!" Puck growls.
"I'm not a liar!" I roar back at him. I can feel my hair flying wildly around my face as I jab his chest repeatedly as punctuation for each word.
He smirks. That foul loathsome little cockroach has the audacity to smirk at me. Without saying anything he arches an eyebrow and crosses his arms across his chest as he leans back against the wall.
I channel the immortal words of Mercedes Jones in response, "Oh hell to the fucking No!" Gritting my teeth I ball my hands at my sides and glare up at him. "Don't you dare smirk at me Noah Puckerman. I am NOT a liar!"
"But you're lying right now Rachel Berry," he says with faux solemnity. "You know exactly what the name of that movie was and I'd bet your father's collection of autographed Barbara Streisand memorabilia that the DVD is not in the back of your closet right now."
"Fuck," I hiss and lean back against the washing machine in defeat. I cross my own arms and turn to stare into the hallway so I don't have to meet his gaze.
"Tisk tisk Rachel. Profanity is the crutch of a lazy mind. And honesty truly is the best policy," he drawls as he takes a step toward me.
I really want to be angry with him right now. Anger is so much more enjoyable as an emotion than embarrassment. "I don't want to talk about it Noah."
He takes another deliberate step toward me. This time I know that he's trapping me between him and the washer. Just because I didn't call him on it twenty minutes ago doesn't mean I didn't figure it out. His "sex-fu" might be tight, but he is no ninja. That would require discipline and stealth. Noah Puckerman is wild and bombastic.
Noah leans in to my ear and asks, "Do you think of me when you watch it? Do you think of me when you touch yourself Rachel?" His voice is almost gentle, his words coaxing, the effect is irresistible.
"Yes," I sigh in relief as he presses his entire body up against me. I feel the long length of him press against the flat of my belly through his boxers and can't help but moan as he grinds himself against me. I should hate myself for being so weak for him but no one can resist him. He is a sex god among boys and my body burns to worship him.
"Yes what baby?" he asks stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers.
I know what he wants. He wants ME. The real me. The honest me. All of me. He wants me to share myself with him. And I want that too. I want to give all of myself to him because he wants it and I want it and I want us to be happy together because I KNOW. I know what its like to be happy with him.
"Yes I think of you when I watch it. I think of you when I touch myself." I look directly in to his eyes and lay myself at the alter of dignity in a sacrifice to him. "I couldn't think of him when I did it. I tried a few times but- he's not you. And it's always been you Noah."
Now it's his turn to widen his eyes in shock. I can tell he doesn't quite believe me. Why should he? If I was replaceable in bed, then why shouldn't he be?
"Finn. He's wonderful and I thought I could love him, but not because of Finn. He's… he's like you used to be Noah. Or he was before we hurt him. He reminded me of all the best parts of you Noah, and the best parts of me because- because I was my best when I was with you. But he's not you and though I could fool myself in the bright light of day, alone at night in my bed he just couldn't satisfy m-"
He cut me off with a kiss so brutal in its intensity that I knew my lips would still be swollen the next morning. I could taste all the things he wasn't saying, and this time it broke my heart just a little bit. He wanted to believe me and not just because of some misplaced male pride thing. He needed Saint Finn to be the one who didn't measure up in my eyes.
"I fucking love you Rachel," he groaned when he finally tore his mouth away from mine.
I smile up at him and kiss his temple. "What happened to profanity being the crutch of a lazy mind?"
Noah grinned down at me, put his hands on my hips and lifted me up so that our pelvises touched and I automatically wrapped my legs around him. My hands wrap around him. I feel the vibrations of his moan as I rake my nails down his back. He ground his hips against mine and my eyes rolled back a little in my head as a strangled "Fuck!" escaped my lips.
"Is that what you want baby?" Noah asked as he rocked against me repeatedly. Always the multi-tasker he undid my bra with his left hand and held me to him with his right while he waited for my answer.
I didn't answer him as I started to shrug out of my bra slowly as he watched. He stopped me before the straps had even reached my elbows. He tilted my chin up and kissed my nose gently.
"Let me do it baby," he said as he looked into my eyes. "I've dreamt about taking your clothes off over and over again. I've cum in my hands to the image of you letting me strip you naked more times than I can count."
I nod slowly as he takes two steps over, lifts me off his hips and sits me on the edge of the drier. He pulls the left strap down slowly, following the path of the thin straps with a trail of kisses. I close my eyes and let my head drop back. I can't watch him be gentle like this. Passion and fucking and hate-sex I can handle. But he's making love to me right now and I don't know how to process this.
Noah stops his progress on my left side and turns his attention to the right strap. This time he mixes up the kisses with licks and nips. Did you know your entire arm can be an erogenous zone? I did. With Noah anything is possible.
Slowly, painfully slowly he pulls my bra off me completely. I can feel his gaze burning my skin and my heart races. "Look at me Rachel," Noah says in a strong, confident, voice that echoes through the room.
I open my eyes and meet his. He smiles at me and strokes my face gently. "You know I love you right? This means something to me. You mean everything to me."
I look at him and try to nod but his gaze has me paralyzed. I can see the love in his eyes. He sees my hesitation and deals with it calmly in a totally non-asshole way that sort of freaks me out even more. Instead of blowing up and asking me why I don't trust him he just gives me an encouragingly and says, "We can stop now if you want. I only want this if it's what you want."
Fuck. He really is my Noah. There are things I need to say before we go any further. "I've missed you," I say to start with as I stroke his cheek the same way he just did mine.
"I've missed you too baby," he says.
"I don't know if I want to stop," I tell him honestly. "I really want you inside me. I just… I don't know if I can survive what comes after."
"What do you think is going to happen?" he asks.
I shrug a little self-consciously. "Slushies. Cougars. Cheerios. You and Quinn. Noah will disappear somewhere and Puck will break my heart again."
"No. That's not going to happen."
He sounds so sure that I almost believe him.
"It would have been easier if we were just fucking," I tell him with brutal honesty. "I can deal with that. But this is too much like Before."
"Too real?" he asks as he gently runs his left hand up my side and nuzzles my breast with his knuckles.
"Yes. When you broke up with me the last time-" I start to say.
"Sweetheart you broke up with me the last time, remember?" Noah cuts in and gives my right nipple a playful tweak as he leans down and kisses the right one. He licks the sensitive skin and then slowly, oh so fucking slowly, he nibbles on my nipple.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," I struggle to say and reach out and tweak his earlobe in retaliation.
"I know. But nobody likes to be reminded of what a fuck up they are." Noah straightens and looks me dead in the eye. "Not to sound like a pussy or quote Finn, but I realized this morning that I can't fight this feeling anymore. And I've forgotten why I started fighting it in the first place. I love you Rachel. I want to be with you in all ways and for always."
"I gave you all that I had Before Noah. You left me bankrupt." I rub my hands through his hair to try to take the sting off the words I know hurt him. "What if I don't know what I can afford to give you this time around? What if I don't know what I want?"
"I know you want me." His voice is confident but I can see the remnants of insecurity in his eyes.
"Obviously I want you sexually Noah. I'm sitting here in just my panties trying pretty desperately not to stick my hands down your boxers and take you down my throat," I say, rolling my eyes. "But I don't know if I'm ready to try to go back-"
"First of all you should totally feel free to stick your hand down my shorts and have your wicked way with me. But I'm not asking you to pretend the past year didn't happen Rachel," Noah interrupts. "I'm asking you to give me a shot at taking our relationship forward."
"What about Quinn and the baby?" I ask doubtfully.
"I'd keep the baby if I could, but Quinn seems dead set on giving her up," Noah replies honestly.
"And Quinn?" I can't let this one go. She's his Finn, only she wasn't my understudy. And he got her pregnant.
"It's hard to want to be with someone who calls you a Lima Loser who isn't good enough to be her baby-daddy." Noah shrugs. "I'm over it. I mean it Rachel. The only thing tying me to Quinn is our baby, and if she gets her way it won't be our baby for very much longer. I only want to be with you."
"Even if being with me makes you a social pariah?"
"Bring it." Noah kisses me then and I can taste that he means it. He does love me.
I just don't know if I love him enough to risk everything to be with him again.
Before things start to get heated again I pull back once again. "You need to know that even if we have sex now, I can't promise that we're back together. I need more time to figure this out."
I can tell that I've hurt his feelings but he nods. "Maybe we shouldn't then. If you're not ready yet. It has to mean something Rachel. I'm not just going to fuck you and let you walk away."
"Even if that's all I want?" I ask. I'm a little afraid of what he'll say but I have to know. We're trying to be honest here.
"Especially-" his voice cracks and he clears his throat before continuing. "Especially if that's what you want. Rachel I love you. You're the only girl I've said that to that I'm not related to. And I want you to be the only one I ever say it to."
My heart aches a little and I swallow back the words I know he wants to hear. "As much as you need me to say it back to you Noah, I'm just not ready to say it out loud yet. I don't know if it's true and I won't say it just to say it."
He nods again and I know he appreciates the truth even if it's ripping him to shreds.
I kiss him before I continue on. "It can mean something even if we don't know exactly what that is you know."
"Yeah?" he asks and pulls me off of the washer and back in to his arms.
I start to lead him to my bedroom and turn to ask him, "Do you have a condom?"
That proves to be a mistake because it means I don't see my fathers walking out of their bedroom down the hall.
Suddenly my dad is screaming my name and pulling me away and daddy is standing over Noah rubbing his fist.
"Daddy no!" I squeal as I break away from my dad and run to Noah's side.
Daddy ignores me because he's too busy growling at Noah to deal. "Stay the fuck down Puckerman or I swear to Christ I'll fucking kill you."
My dad yanks me back up to my feet and starts dragging me to my bedroom. "Rachel Berry you WILL put some clothes on this instant," he roars so loudly I'm unable to hear what daddy and Noah are saying.
I'm so screwed.
