"Are you sure Schmidt isn't gonna be mad if he finds out we looked at this house without him." Jess queried as she ran her finger over an old mantelpiece, idly collecting the dust and staring at it with disdain. Dusting it off her fingers she turned to Cece who was poking carefully at broken light switch.
"Are you kidding me, there is no way I would get him to look in this part of town. But he's being super unrealistic about our budget. A place like this might be all we can afford."
"Well I like it, it has character." Jess forced a smile.
"I appreciate your positivity Jess but this place is a complete hole. What do you say we cut our losses and go grab lunch."
"Sure, as long as I'm back at school in an hour."
"I think that can be arranged. Come on this place is giving me hives."
They both giggled as they bundled out of the front door, warning a few other prospective buyers who were making their way in. Jess was so excited for Cece and for the next stage of her married life with Schmidt but the thought of them moving out made her more emotional with each day that passed. She knew to expect it, every since they got engaged moving out was on the cards. But now, as Schmidt and Cece spent every spare minute looking at houses on the internet and scheduling phone calls with realtors, the reality of it all was upon them. It didn't just mean a change for Schmidt and Cece, it meant a big change for all of them.
She hadn't really spoken about it with Nick and Winston, or about what it was going to mean for them. Actually she had barely spoken to Nick at all in the last last forty eight hours but that was another matter. But she supposed the three of them needed some sort of plan. Two lots of rent was going to be a little a lot for the three of them to cover once Schmidt and Cece were gone.
As they both sat down outside a small Bistro and pulled their napkins into their laps, Cece could almost hear the cogs turning in Jess' head. Jess had gone quiet for the last few minutes of their walk and Cece knew it was because some nagging thought had wheedled its way in there and brought out the overanalyst in Jess. It didn't take much guessing for Cece to figure out what it was. Jess had made a request not to talk about Nick for a while but it wasn't so easy for Cece to comply with when she knew it played on Jess' mind twenty four hours a day and Nick's recent outburst hadn't done much to alleviate that. Cece poured Jess a small glass of white wine in spite of her protests and attempts to cover the top of her glass and proceeded to try and draw out what was bothering her best friend.
"Have you spoken to Nick since the other night?"
Jess shook her head as she tore up some bread and shovelled a piece of it into her mouth. "I haven't seen him. He's sent me a few messages and I heard him knocking at my bedroom door late last night but I just ignored him. You know this could actually be a good thing. For the first time in months I wanted to punch his face instead of kiss it. I count that as real progress."
Cece giggled and gently rested her hand over Jess' for a moment. "He was upset Jess. He's just gone through a breakup."
"I don't care, he was an ass."
"Oh yeah I'm in agreement there I'm just saying, you know, there were circumstances."
Jess took a sip of her wine and shook her head. "I'm not apologising if that's what you're suggesting?"
"No not at all, this one is on Nick. But he has tried to reach out to you Jess. Do you think maybe you're holding on to this to make things easier for yourself?"
Jess sighed and set down her glass abandoning the bread basket momentarily. "This isn't easier Cece, I hate not talking to him."
"So talk to him."
But it wasn't that simple. Jess had found a strange sense of relief in the fact that they were fighting. Not that it felt good, it didn't, it felt awful, but there was a certain safety to it. For months she had been able to tell herself that Reagan was the only obstacle that was keeping her and Nick apart. Whether she truly believed it or not was a different matter, but she would happily tell herself it everyday just to get by. Now Reagan was gone, that obstacle had been removed and replaced by a fight which appeared to be the next item on the list of things destined to keep them apart. In a sort of masochistic way she could handle that, she could handle those things being the obstacles because then the real obstacle wasn't Nick. Nick being the reason they weren't together, Nick keeping them apart by choice was something she couldn't handle. Not when she was this in love with him.
Nick paced slowly around his bedroom occasionally shaking his head at himself, at his life, at the world. It had been two days since he and Reagan had broken up and yet in spite of all the turmoil and emotional upheaval he was feeling he hadn't yet felt the compulsion to call her. Not even a drunken message on her phone at one in the morning. Nothing. It seemed she felt the same way as he stared at the empty screen on his phone before throwing it back on his bed. Reagan wasn't the only one who refused to make contact with him. His stomach had been in knots since his fight with Jess and she had conveniently left the house everytime he had tried to talk to her about it.
He needed to talk to her. He needed to make things right, he needed...he didn't know what he needed but the feeling was overwhelming. Yet at the same time he wanted distance from her until the fog in his head cleared. Whether he liked it or not, Jess had become a source of confusion in his life once again, she was the reason he hadn't slept, and she was the reason he had been holed up in his bedroom since the night before trying to make sense of everything.
As he looked out of his window to the street below and all the people he was sure were living much simpler lives than him, he found himself idly rummaging round in the drawer of his desk. He knew what lurked at the back of those drawers. Photos, gifts, memories that he hadn't been able to throw away so he had pushed them further and further back in his drawer in the hopes that Reagan would never find them but he was starting to think that maybe she had. Without any reason or understanding why he pulled out a photo of him and Jess and held it in front of him.
She had taken it on his phone when they were together. They were both lying in his bed on what he remembered well as a lazy Sunday morning when they'd had nothing else to do other than lay naked in bed together. Her hair lay strewn in wild, messy curls on the white pillow, her arms outstretched, holding the camera as he kissed her cheek. His eyes closed in reverence while hers sparkled into the camera along with her smile. He had loved the picture so much he had gone out and got a copy the very next day. It seemed like a different life. He never truly considered that he would ever get that life back so he had tried everyday to shut down his feelings just that little bit more. Until two days ago he thought he had done a pretty good job.
He had convinced himself he was there, that he had done it. He and Jess were friends, they were in a good place. He had found Reagan who should have been everything that he wanted and yet two days after their break up it was Jess that was in his head, knocking tirelessly at his brain. Gritting his teeth he stuffed the photo back in the drawer aggressively and slammed it shut. He could feel himself getting mad at Jess again and that wasn't what he wanted. She hadn't done anything wrong but she was still the reason for his confusion and the worst part was he couldn't even talk to her about it. She was the one person who straightened out his head and made him see straight and he couldn't even tell her what was eating him up.
Suddenly he found himself emptying his drawers to find every last thing that reminded him of their relationship. They were friends, he didn't need to keep hanging on to this stuff, it wasn't healthy. He collected photos, handwritten notes, gifts, old hair ties and tossed them in a cardboard box. Vigorously biting off a chunk of sticky tape he stuck it over the box and then did the same thing again and again, sealing it away along with his feelings. Then there is was, his relationship with Jess boxed up and sitting on his bed. Gathering it up in his arms he made a move for his bedroom door but as his hand rested on the doorknob he stopped. He stood there for two solid minutes staring at the door and then back at the box in his hands. Why couldn't he get rid of it?
"Come on Nick." He spurred himself on with a sharp slap on each cheek. "Just do it, this is ridiculous." He laughed at himself.
But moments later he found himself kicking the box back under his bed before he dropped down on it clasping his hands over his face with a loud groan. when suddenly he heard the front door to the loft open.
Jess kicked open her bedroom door and took a few speedy steps to avoid dropping the files she was carrying on the floor. Blowing her fringe out of her eyes she wandered towards her closet, peeling off her sweater as she walked. It had been far too warm a day for such a heavy sweater and she delighted as the cool air hit her skin. Running her fingers over her clothes she plucked out a thin blue shirt and turned back toward her bed at the same time as a wide eyed Nick barged through her door.
"What the hell Nick?!" She yelled clutching her shirt over her barely covered chest.
Nick eyes dropped momentarily before he smacked his palm over his eyes and held the other in the air. "Sorry! I heard you come home and I didn't realise you...Sorry."
"Don't you knock?" Jess continued to berate him as she threw the shirt around her shoulders and proceeded to button it up incorrectly.
"I figured you'd just ignore me again." He shrugged, eyes still covered.
"I wasn't..." She sighed and rolled her eyes at him. "You can uncover your eyes now Nick."
Nick splayed his fingers carefully and seeing that she was now fully dressed he lowered his hand, revealing his remarkably red face. "Can we talk?"
Jess wordlessly gestured toward her bed and Nick followed her lead, sitting down and jamming his hands between his knees nervously, still recovering from the sight of Jess' almost bare breasts. Jess sat next to him but was sure to keep her face stone cold. He wasn't getting off so lightly this time. She stole a glance at him and she was pretty sure he hadn't taken a breath since he walked through the door and apparently eye contact wasn't an option either. She let out a sigh of exasperation as several moments of silence past but it only served to make him more flustered as he fidgeted on her bed.
"Look Nick I thought you wanted to..."
"I'm sorry Jess."
Jess paused as he finally looked at her, his eyes deep with raw emotion she hadn't seen since they broke up. "You were really mean to me Nick."
"I know, I was a dick and I'm so sorry."
"How come it was just me though? I didn't see you treating anybody else that way."
Nick looked into her eyes, those eyes he had looked into so many times in so many ways and he froze. "I dont' know." He voice was soft and quiet. His eyes began to absorb every part of her face, studying ever last part in a way he hadn't for such a long time. A few faint freckles still lingered on her cheeks from the summer and her eyes seemed to change shade throughout the day. A few unruly hairs stuck away from her head as they broke free from the flawless waves she had left the loft with that morning. Her face was so comforting to him, so warming and familiar, he recognised it better than his own.
Then suddenly there it was. The urge to kiss her.
Not just because he wanted her to feel better, not just because he wanted to take away the tension of the last couple of days but simply because he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to remember how her lips tasted and what it felt like to have her kiss him back. His eyes dropped to her lips, lips that had kissed him softly on the forehead as he lay sleeping on the couch after a hard night at work and lips that had bitten his own in moments of intense passion. He stood up abruptly and tried to push out the shaky breath that was lodged in his throat. He looked at her perplexed face which made him even more nervous as he struggled to find something to say.
Um...the bar..." He coughed. "You should come to the bar tonight. Drinks are on me."
Jess stood, a little bewildered by his behaviour. "Oh, ok. So, I guess we're done here?"
Nick started to edge backwards to the door, clinging on to the hard edge for dear life when he found it. "Yeah I gotta go to work but please come to the bar tonight. I'd really like you to."
"Um, ok, I'll be there."
Nick nodded bashfully and he began to disappear out of the door but turned to her one more time. "Jess, I am really sorry."
She fought a smile "I forgive you. This time. Now get out of here you clown."
Nick threw a towel over his shoulder and surveyed how many people were queuing up at the bar, for a week night it was oddly busy and was proving to be a quiet source of frustration as he stole a glance over to the booth where his friends were sitting and enjoying themselves without him. His shift had ended over an hour ago but as the boss he knew he had to help his staff make a dent in the crowd of people. It was all he could do not to grunt in the face of every customer who came to the bar asking for some ridiculous cocktail it would take him a good ten minutes to make. Every spare chance he got he would swing by the booth and drop another glass of champagne in front of Jess, much to Schmidt's displeasure, but he still had a lot of making up to do and he figured expensive champagne was a good start.
As he ground some mint leaves into the bottom of a cocktail glass he looked over at Jess and smiled to himself as he watched her start to get all giggly and affectionate. He hadn't seen her smile that way is some time. He wasn't sure how or when it had happened but at some point in the last couple of days he had reverted back to focussing on all her little quirks and details. He knew them all by heart anyway but he had let himself forget how fun she was just to watch. She had looked up and caught him a few times leaving him to shake his head in annoyance and berate himself, wondering what switch had flipped in his head to get him to this point where it was acceptable to stare at his friend like some kind of crazy stalker.
She was taking up so much room in his head now he could barely think about anything else, which was obvious as he set down an incorrect order in front of the unimpressed customer facing him. He apologetically remade the drinks before deciding enough was enough. It was over an hour past the end of his shift now, so grabbing the rest of the champagne he left his staff to it and headed over to the other guys, ignoring the fact that his heart was beating faster with every step he took closer to the booth.
Sliding in next to Schmidt he found himself opposite Jess, offering her a soft smile just to check they were still ok after their talk. She smiled back and he felt some of the tension ease out of his shoulders. Listening intently Nick tried to pick up on their conversation which wasn't too difficult to do as he watched Jess' mouth sink into a pout and Cece throw her arm around Jess' shoulders.
"I still can't believe you guys are gonna be leaving soon." Jess whined.
"If we ever find a house. It could be like a another year Jess."
"Yeah the market's tough, there's not a lot out there." Winston added as he sipped his beer.
"How do you know?" Nick laughed.
"Well..." Winston paused, exchanging a cheerful look with Ally who linked her arm though his. "Aly and I have talked about it."
Nick's smile faltered. "You have?"
"Yeah, I mean we've been together a year so..."
Nick laughed awkwardly "I know but..."
"Don't worry you'll still have Jess." Winston smiled proudly but was met with a sharp jab in the ribs from his girlfriend.
A strange silence fell upon them that lasted several moments until Jess coughed and giggled nervously into her champagne glass.
"Um...I don't know about that." She mumbled quietly.
"What does that mean?" Nick half laughed trying not to look offended.
Jess glanced at Cece trying to figure out if she was crossing a line but she continued. "We couldn't live alone together Nick. That would be weird. Don't you think that would be weird?"
"We could get a couple of other roommates. It's no big deal." Nick shrugged trying to hide the fact that he no longer saw any lightheartedness in the conversation.
"Ugh could you be bothered with that again? We're almost in our mid-thirties Nick. I don't know, I figure I'd probably get my own place."
Nick paused and narrowed his eyes at Jess. "Just like that?"
Jess' smile faded as she sensed Nick's tone. "No not just like that but..."
Nick frowned and stared at his hand as he spun his beer bottle round slowly on the table. Pushing the bottle away he began to stand. "You know it's late I should probably go cash up."
"You just sat down." Jess argued, instantly starting to regret her words.
"Yeah but it's been a busy night so..." Without anything further Nick disappeared behind the bar and into his office.
"What was that about?" Winston asked innocently leaving Schmidt and Cece to exchange a knowing glance.
Nick twirled his pen around in his hand as he stared at the numbers in the book, trying to make sense of them. They all just looked like alien shapes the harder he concentrated on them. Sitting back in his chair he rolled his aching shoulders and closed his eyes. It had been an exhausting couple of days and it was really starting to catch up with him. The dim light of his office was only making him more tired and the ragged old chair in the corner was starting to look pretty inviting. With his head lolling back on his shoulders his dragged his hands down his face but he shot up suddenly as he heard a soft knock at the door which was gently pushed open with a quiet creak. The loud sound of music and voices in the bar was muffled as Jess closed it again and came to sit down in front of him.
"Nick I didn't mean to upset you out there."
"You didn't upset me. I'm just tired, it's been a long couple of days."
"Look Nick I know you're still upset about Reagan and I know you don't particularly wanna talk to me about it, you made that clear, but..."
"It's not..." Nick sighed. "This isn't about Reagan."
"It's not?"
"No. The break up was just as much my decision as it was hers and it was the right decision."
"Sooo...you're ok about it?"
"Yes."
Jess dropped her arms on the table in exasperation and leaned closer toward him. "Then what's the matter Nick? I know there is something wrong, I can tell."
"Nothing. Like I said, I'm tired."
Realising she wasn't going to get much out of him Jess nodded and stood to leave. With a heavy heart she made it to the door and reached for the handle when his voice calling her name stopped her. She turned and he was out of his chair, his chest heaving like he was suddenly and inexplicably out of breath. Even in the dim light of the office, she could see that look in his eyes, the same one she had seen earlier that day and it made her stomach lurch. As his mouth hung open she waited for him to talk. She didn't push him, there was an extreme vulnerability in his face that told her not to. There was something between them and Jess would swear it was an electricity crackling under the surface but she had spent so long wishing for such things she couldn't tell if it was real or just in her imagination. As she felt her heart start to beat faster she took a step toward him.
"Nick?"
"I don't want you to move out Jess."
"What?" She asked in surprise.
"I mean...I wouldn't want you to leave the loft."
"Nick we were just talking, it was all hypothetical, I'm not going anywhere."
Nick breathed out heavily and nodded his head in relief, hanging it in embarrassment. "Good."
Jess watched him in curious confusion as he sat back down and picked up his pen. She smiled and let out a brief and silent laugh. She stared at him contentedly for a few moments as he began to go about his business before she headed for the door to join the others again. Pausing, she turned back to him.
"For the record I don't want you to leave either."
"No?" He smiled coyly.
She shook her head softly as her eyes locked with his. "Three months was bad enough."
As she disappeared out of the door he was plunged into relative silence, once again he was left with nothing but his own thoughts and a curious smile. But the feeling lasted mere seconds as his brain started to take over. Resting his elbows on the desk his head dropped into his hands and he sighed. For twenty minutes Nick sat there alone in the same position, contemplating his life and his feelings until he heard his door open again. This time it was Schmidt smiling with green teeth after one too many melon balls.
"Hey man we're heading home for a night cap. You coming?"
Nick stared at the books on his desk looking completely lost. "I'm screwed Schmidt."
Schmidt looked down at the open accounts book and then back to Nick. "It's fine you can just do it in the morning with a fresh pair of eyes."
"Not that." Nick raised his head to look at Schmidt, his tired face wrought with emotion. "Reagan was right about Jess... I still love her."
