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Dick: No matter how big and bad you are, when a two year old hands you a toy phone you answer the damn thing.
Wally: So what happened to you today
Dick: At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it into the crowd to find out who's next.
Wally: I mean I got you but why me?
Dick: I don't think Tim can stomach the idea, I KNOW you can
Dick: You ask me 'what time is it?'. I immediately pull out my 2.7 metric ton sundial. Crushing both of your feet and loudly announcing, 'It's cloudy'.
Wally: : /
Dick: We're sad today
Wally: Uh why?
Dick: I SAID WE'RE SAD TODAY
Wally: Do you have a bag I could borrow?
Dick: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.
Wally: Literally all you had to say was no
Dick: Where's the fun in that.
Wally: Are Medusa's leg hairs also snakes?
Dick: Asking the real questions
Wally: Just discovered that humans can fit a lightbulb into their mouth without shattering it but can't take it out without shattering it.
So now I have to physically restrain myself from sticking a lightbulb into my mouth for the sake of science.
Dick: You are a hazard to society
Wally: Just saw a note on my microwave that Artemis left me. 'No more science in the microwave!'
Dick: All we did was microwave a few dozen highlighters and some Christmas lights.
Wally: Yeah I don't know what her problem is either.
Dick: I'm going bananas
Wally: Uhh
Dick: Is what I tell my bananas before I leave the apartment.
Wally: LOL
Dick: I'm glad you found that apPEALing
Wally: I retract my LOL
Wally: Why don't we just put all the ocean into a cup or something, clean out the bottom, and then pour it back?
Dick: IDK man the ocean has a lot of water you'll need like two cups
Dick: My songs have vague suspicions about what you did in the dark
Wally: Let's precariously light objects up
Dick: I am moderately aflame
Wally: That's a bad idea
Dick: Uh huh
Wally: You already did it
Dick: Yuppers
Wally: It's what's on the inside that really matters
Dick: Really? Give me an example
Wally: Refrigerator
Dick: I see
Wally: Myth-They don't think it be like it be
Dick: Truth- But it do
Wally: The Earth is flat so if we just flip it over it will be like the cool side of a pillow and BOOM no more global warming
Dick: Sounds sciencey enough to be true
Dick: Serotonin? In this economy?!
Wally: OMG
Dick: *Looks at the due date for the work I put off*
Tomorrow huh? That's wild
Dick: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom
Wally: *Sigh* because the pee is silent?
Dick: No you idiot it's 'cause they're all dead
Dick: *Enters my own password* I'm in
Dick: Are you up?
Wally: Yes
Dick: Are you mad?
Wally: Of course not. Why? Should I be?
Dick: IDK the 'yes' sounded angry in my head
Wally: 'Trick or Yeet' I shout to the children when I open the door. 'Yeet?' One child asks confused. I shrug 'Yeet has been chosen!' I throw the child.
Dick: Seriously Wally?
Dick: In the beginning, there was…
Wally: A world without boxes
Dick: And the Lord said 'Let there be…"
Wally: A box
Wally: I just poured brownie batter into our waffle iron and let me just say
Breakfast has been upgraded
Dick: This is the kind of information I want to wake up too
Wally: Taco cat backwards is still taco cat, don't know what to do with this information.
Dick: Dog food lid backwards is Dildo of God
Wally: I don't know what to do with that information either.
Dick: When I was a
Wally: A young boy
Dick: My father
Wally: ATE A F***ING LEMON! HE DIDN'T SQUEEZE IT INTO ANYTHING! HE DIDN'T CUT IT INTO PIECES! HE DIDN'T EVEN SKIN IT! HE JUST STUFFED THE ENTIRE THING LEMON INTO HIS MOUTH AND SWALLOWED! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO HORRIBLE IN MY LIFE!
Dick: To see a marching band
Wally: Who ate my candy last night?
Dick: You did
I watched you and warned you that you wouldn't like the consequences
Wally: I betrayed me
Dick: I keep forgetting that Veggietales is a christian program because nothing looks like it fears God.
Wally: Why don't murders just bury bodies in the cemetery?
Dick: Thanks for the tip
Wally: No this is not a tip it's a joke
Wally: I hope one day I'm the guy that walks into a room and all eyes are on him.
Dick: The trick is to wear a really big hat and scream.
Wally: The stabbing of Julius Caesar was the only time everyone participated in a group project.
Dick: Apart from the fact that there were 60 people that agreed and he was only stabbed 23 times
Wally: Sounds about right.
Wally: Why did everyone play the recorder in elementary school? What were they training us for?
Dick: The apocalypse
Wally: So if I don't tell you Artemis will and I want this to be told my way…
Dick: Wait… what?
Wally: It took me several hours to find my phone charger.
Once I found it I was very proud of myself and announced it to Artemis
Dick: Naturally
Wally: She then reminded me I was looking for my keys.
Dick: PFFT
Wally: I want bigger hands
Dick: Why
Wally: So I can hold more cupcakes
Dick: Obviously
Dick: I was just told that 'If vaccines were healthy, you could put it on a spoon and eat it. Try it, you'll die.'
Normally I wouldn't have said anything but stupidity of this level needs a response.
So I told her 'If broccoli was healthy, you could put it in a syringe and inject it into your bloodstream. Try it, you'll die.'
Wally: Wait seriously?! What'd she do?
Dick: Got angry and stormed off.
Wally: Does Lightning McQueen buy life insurance or car insurance?
Dick: Great now I'm going to be thinking about this all day
Dick: Why is it that when they CDC says to throw out your romaine lettuce everyone everyone takes it as gospel yet when the same agency tells you that vaccines save lives they're part of the illuminati?
Wally: Because people are dumb
Dick: I just spent 40 minutes in the shower thinking about why there's a thing called a grapefruit when there is also a fruit that is called a grape.
Wally: Because the shower opens up portal in the mind that are otherwise inaccessible by man
Wally: I hit a tree
Dick: WHAT?
Are you okay?
Or should I say oaky?
Haha
Sorry
But actually
Hope all of you had a fun 'Murica Day ; D
