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Dick: No matter how big and bad you are, when a two year old hands you a toy phone you answer the damn thing.

Wally: So what happened to you today


Dick: At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it into the crowd to find out who's next.

Wally: I mean I got you but why me?

Dick: I don't think Tim can stomach the idea, I KNOW you can


Dick: You ask me 'what time is it?'. I immediately pull out my 2.7 metric ton sundial. Crushing both of your feet and loudly announcing, 'It's cloudy'.

Wally: : /


Dick: We're sad today

Wally: Uh why?

Dick: I SAID WE'RE SAD TODAY


Wally: Do you have a bag I could borrow?

Dick: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.

Wally: Literally all you had to say was no

Dick: Where's the fun in that.


Wally: Are Medusa's leg hairs also snakes?

Dick: Asking the real questions


Wally: Just discovered that humans can fit a lightbulb into their mouth without shattering it but can't take it out without shattering it.

So now I have to physically restrain myself from sticking a lightbulb into my mouth for the sake of science.

Dick: You are a hazard to society


Wally: Just saw a note on my microwave that Artemis left me. 'No more science in the microwave!'

Dick: All we did was microwave a few dozen highlighters and some Christmas lights.

Wally: Yeah I don't know what her problem is either.


Dick: I'm going bananas

Wally: Uhh

Dick: Is what I tell my bananas before I leave the apartment.

Wally: LOL

Dick: I'm glad you found that apPEALing

Wally: I retract my LOL


Wally: Why don't we just put all the ocean into a cup or something, clean out the bottom, and then pour it back?

Dick: IDK man the ocean has a lot of water you'll need like two cups


Dick: My songs have vague suspicions about what you did in the dark

Wally: Let's precariously light objects up

Dick: I am moderately aflame


Wally: That's a bad idea

Dick: Uh huh

Wally: You already did it

Dick: Yuppers


Wally: It's what's on the inside that really matters

Dick: Really? Give me an example

Wally: Refrigerator

Dick: I see


Wally: Myth-They don't think it be like it be

Dick: Truth- But it do


Wally: The Earth is flat so if we just flip it over it will be like the cool side of a pillow and BOOM no more global warming

Dick: Sounds sciencey enough to be true


Dick: Serotonin? In this economy?!

Wally: OMG


Dick: *Looks at the due date for the work I put off*

Tomorrow huh? That's wild


Dick: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom

Wally: *Sigh* because the pee is silent?

Dick: No you idiot it's 'cause they're all dead


Dick: *Enters my own password* I'm in


Dick: Are you up?

Wally: Yes

Dick: Are you mad?

Wally: Of course not. Why? Should I be?

Dick: IDK the 'yes' sounded angry in my head


Wally: 'Trick or Yeet' I shout to the children when I open the door. 'Yeet?' One child asks confused. I shrug 'Yeet has been chosen!' I throw the child.

Dick: Seriously Wally?


Dick: In the beginning, there was…

Wally: A world without boxes

Dick: And the Lord said 'Let there be…"

Wally: A box


Wally: I just poured brownie batter into our waffle iron and let me just say

Breakfast has been upgraded

Dick: This is the kind of information I want to wake up too


Wally: Taco cat backwards is still taco cat, don't know what to do with this information.

Dick: Dog food lid backwards is Dildo of God

Wally: I don't know what to do with that information either.


Dick: When I was a

Wally: A young boy

Dick: My father

Wally: ATE A F***ING LEMON! HE DIDN'T SQUEEZE IT INTO ANYTHING! HE DIDN'T CUT IT INTO PIECES! HE DIDN'T EVEN SKIN IT! HE JUST STUFFED THE ENTIRE THING LEMON INTO HIS MOUTH AND SWALLOWED! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO HORRIBLE IN MY LIFE!

Dick: To see a marching band


Wally: Who ate my candy last night?

Dick: You did

I watched you and warned you that you wouldn't like the consequences

Wally: I betrayed me


Dick: I keep forgetting that Veggietales is a christian program because nothing looks like it fears God.


Wally: Why don't murders just bury bodies in the cemetery?

Dick: Thanks for the tip

Wally: No this is not a tip it's a joke


Wally: I hope one day I'm the guy that walks into a room and all eyes are on him.

Dick: The trick is to wear a really big hat and scream.


Wally: The stabbing of Julius Caesar was the only time everyone participated in a group project.

Dick: Apart from the fact that there were 60 people that agreed and he was only stabbed 23 times

Wally: Sounds about right.


Wally: Why did everyone play the recorder in elementary school? What were they training us for?

Dick: The apocalypse

Wally: So if I don't tell you Artemis will and I want this to be told my way…

Dick: Wait… what?

Wally: It took me several hours to find my phone charger.

Once I found it I was very proud of myself and announced it to Artemis

Dick: Naturally

Wally: She then reminded me I was looking for my keys.

Dick: PFFT


Wally: I want bigger hands

Dick: Why

Wally: So I can hold more cupcakes

Dick: Obviously


Dick: I was just told that 'If vaccines were healthy, you could put it on a spoon and eat it. Try it, you'll die.'

Normally I wouldn't have said anything but stupidity of this level needs a response.

So I told her 'If broccoli was healthy, you could put it in a syringe and inject it into your bloodstream. Try it, you'll die.'

Wally: Wait seriously?! What'd she do?

Dick: Got angry and stormed off.


Wally: Does Lightning McQueen buy life insurance or car insurance?

Dick: Great now I'm going to be thinking about this all day


Dick: Why is it that when they CDC says to throw out your romaine lettuce everyone everyone takes it as gospel yet when the same agency tells you that vaccines save lives they're part of the illuminati?

Wally: Because people are dumb


Dick: I just spent 40 minutes in the shower thinking about why there's a thing called a grapefruit when there is also a fruit that is called a grape.

Wally: Because the shower opens up portal in the mind that are otherwise inaccessible by man


Wally: I hit a tree

Dick: WHAT?

Are you okay?

Or should I say oaky?

Haha

Sorry

But actually


Hope all of you had a fun 'Murica Day ; D