Final chapter. I apologize for the wait, my internet was out. Thanks to all those who reviewed, especially to anotherchance100 and TheTruthIsInsideOfYou for reviewing chapter 10. Hope you all enjoyed.
Chapter 11
It's a soft blur, now, she realizes. Her memories of the assault are all a gentle whirlwind, consisting of snapshots of pain and panic that fly by in no particular order, all of her being beaten down, all of her complete lack of control. It's something she can lose herself in, if only for a little while, before she opens her eyes with a start.
When she fights the blur, tries to make sense of it, the fear takes a hold of her and won't let go, so instead, she lets go and just submerses herself in the terror and the pain of that night, sometimes praying for peace, other times, praying that she would remember it all. Because, god damn it, that was her body, and she should be able to remember what he did to her own body.
But then, in the mass of memories that have made themselves known in the days since her attack, she wonders, was that really her? Was that really her body? Because she had no control over those moments she sees in the darkness, of him grabbing her and taking her and making her his own. That wasn't her body, in that moment, it was his, and she was fighting weakly, purposely, to escape. Yes, she is proud that she fought, but in the end, it means nothing. In the great scheme of things, her attempts to fight back were simply one man trying to build a dike against the entire sea. Truly, an impossible task, so that her efforts are not even worth mentioning.
She has always been able to channel things through her hands, first with writing, but then, more often, with music. She could feel the music in her fingers and play it on instrument of choice, turning slow, dreamlike melodies into sweet and soft songs, or harsh, cruel rhythms into fiery and energized notes. But now, ever since the assault, when she tries, the melodies fall flat and her hands won't work. Songs she once thought simple now wouldn't fly from shaky fingers, and soon she would give up completely, losing herself to blur of forgotten memories of pain and panic, of fear and a total lack of control.
Olivia tells her its temporary, that its normal, but she's not so sure. Because after all, she sees victims every day, and they tell her the same things she's feeling now, but they can't be right, can they? Because she's no victim. The blur of memories that she can't remember, whenever they assault her mind she convinces herself that it doesn't make her a victim, that she must forget this and keep on walking, keep on fighting like the strong soldier every one sees her to be.
But she can't really do that, because deep down she knows, yes she's a victim, and no she won't be waking from this nightmare anytime soon, because this isn't a nightmare. And that strong outer shell that everyone sees, well, it's just that, a shell. Because, as much as it pains her to admit it, she's not as strong as people think of her. She cried when Olivia reassured her in the hospital, she cries when she realizes for the thousandth time that the blur of memories is just that, a blur, and not real remembrance, because god, she can't remember and she can't see through that hazy cloud to that one night she really wants to see.
Well, victim or not, amnesiac or not, she knows this dance of denial is not something she can keep up much longer... Is not something she's sure she wants to keep up much longer. The memories that assault her mind in one tidal wave after another are all the same, and now she knows some of them are creations of her own crazed imagination, so full of photos of the crime scene and saturated with the soothing words of her friends that she doesn't know what's real or not. She's not sure if she wants to know or not, but she thinks she does, so she tries to make sense of the blur, though it never works and only leaves her more distraught then before.
Olivia walked into Casey's office to a chorus of coughing and hacking. The ADA had tissues and several empty coffee cups scattered across her desk atop stacks of paperwork. "Case?" she asked uncertainly as she took a slow step forward. "You all right?"
Casey nodded and cleared her throat, wincing as she did. "Yeah, just a little cold." Casey pulled her jacket tighter around herself as she said this and brushed a strand of sweat dampened hair off her forehead. "Can I help you with something, because I'm really-" she coughed again, "busy."
"Case, you've been getting sick these past couple days. I think you have a fever." Olivia rested the back of her hand against Casey's forehead then swore and yanked it back. "Hell, Casey, you're burning up! Why are you even at work today?"
The ADA shrugged and continued to focus on her paperwork. "Not a big deal... I'm fine." She tried to take a deep breath but it caught in her throat, sending her into another coughing fit.
Olivia sat on the edge of her desk and looked her over worriedly. "Case, I really think you should take the rest of the day off. This doesn't seem like 'just a little cold'."
George's earlier idea of how Casey was using work to fuel her denial was further proven when she just shook her head again. "Doesn't matter, Liv," she said without looking up from her paperwork. "I've got a lot of work to do. If I go home now I'll end up staying up all night tomorrow trying to finish what I should of done today."
"What exactly are you working on, Casey? You got a conviction yesterday and we haven't caught anymore cases."
Casey smiled at her and said, "Well, some of my previous convictions are coming up for parole in a couple months. I'm working on my arguments for the ones who should stay in prison."
"A couple months? Casey... come on. You've got plenty of time to work on those. Go home, get some rest."
The ADA got to her feet and smiled weakly at her before coughing again. "Liv, I'm fine. I'm going to get some more coffee and then I'll be good as new." She stepped towards the door, then swayed back and forth and rested a hand on the doorframe for balance.
Olivia was by her side in an instant, resting a steadying hand on her shoulder. "Casey?" she asked uncertainly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing... just a head rush." The next few seconds were a dizzy blur for Casey. Her world was blurring, becoming hazy, and her head was pounding. She closed her eyes for a moment, leaning against the wall, trying to clear her head. Nothing was making sense- why couldn't she think straight?
The last thing she felt as she fell into unconsciousness was Olivia's arms catching her.
"Detective," the doctor said, motioning for her to follow as he walked away from Casey's bed so as not to disturb her, "your ADA has a severe case of atypical pneumonia."
Olivia frowned and shook her head. "Wait a minute- atypical... isn't that walking pneumonia? That normally isn't serious enough to require hospitalization, right?"
The doctor nodded. "Yes, usually. But it seems her case has been developing for over a week, and she's been working herself too hard. Normally, the disease will go away on it's own without the patient ever even realizing they had contracted it, which of happened with Ms. Novak, but when she continued to overwork herself, it got worse. She's going to be fine, but she'll have to stay here for a couple days for observation."
She groaned, running a hand through her hair and shaking her head. Just regular old pneumonia wouldn't make her feel this terrible. But now, Casey was in the hospital because she had failed to intervene before now. The doctor had said Casey's case wouldn't have become so severe if she hadn't been overworking herself. God, why hadn't she talked to George sooner?
When several nurses walked into the room to move Casey from the ER to a different wing of the hospital, Olivia headed outside to call Elliot on a pay phone. She'd been discussing Casey's problems with him before going to George yesterday- she'd tell him everything, including the fact that it was because she hadn't stepped in and stopped Casey from spiraling deeper into denial, and leave it to him to simply tell the others that Casey was sick and wouldn't be coming into work the next couple of days.
She was terrible. Not only had she failed to protect Casey when she was attacked and nearly killed, but she also hadn't had the nerve to just confront the ADA and force her to face the truth. What the hell kind of a friend was she? She was a cop, and she worked with victims everyday. Yet she had completely failed when her own best friend had been in danger and hadn't been able to help her even after she'd been victimized.
Well, she wasn't going to let Casey down again. No matter how hard it would be, she would have to convince Casey to accept help- if not from her, from George, or Elliot- anybody. She couldn't stand just watching idly as Casey continued repeating the same destructive, painful pattern over and over again.
"Detective Stabler, Manhattan Special Victims Unit."
"Hey, El. It's Olivia. I'm at the hospital- it's not me, though, it's Casey."
"Casey? Is she all right?"
"She's not hurt, El. Bad case of pneumonia. You know how's been ill the past couple days, like a bad cold? It was actually walking pneumonia."
Elliot had the same reaction she had. "But that normally isn't serious, is it? Not enough to require a hospital visit..."
"Yes, normally. But the doctor said that if the patient- in this case, Casey- is under a lot of stress or works too hard, then it can develop into a more serious case."
It didn't take long for Elliot to understand. Olivia had already told him what George thought; he just put two and two together before groaning heavily. "'Works too hard?' So this is a result of..."
"Well, Case has always worked too hard, even before this, but... yeah. She worked herself too hard in an attempt to ignore what happened to her and when she got sick, she just kept on working... I've let this go on too long."
"No, we both have, Liv. You told me about Casey and I never said anything to her either."
There was a long silence, both detectives facing their guilt, until Olivia finally said softly, "I'm going to head back inside. Once she's awake, I'm going to talk to her again, and this time I won't take no for an answer. I know that sounds harsh, but what choice do I have? I can't just let this continue."
Elliot sighed before agreeing with her. "Tell me what happens."
Olivia had been waiting with the ADA for little over half an hour before she finally started to awaken. Olivia looked up as Casey sighed, turning onto her side and groaning softly. "Case, it's Liv. Wake up, sweetheart."
She groaned again before slowly opening her eyes to stare at Olivia in confusion. "Liv? What's going on?" Casey looked around the room before slowly pushing herself into a sitting position. "Where... am I in the hospital?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah- pneumonia. You passed out at work," she explained.
"Pneumonia? But I haven't been that sick. Just a little cold..." Casey said softly, sitting up straighter and wincing slightly. "I've had pneumonia before- a lot worse than how I've been feeling this past week."
"That's because you just had walking pneumonia. The doctor said you would of gotten over the disease and been fine, but you worked too hard. Now you've got to stay here a couple days for a course of antibiotics, but you're going to be all right."
Casey frowned weakly, shaking her head and resting her hand on the IV needle in her arm, making to tear it out. "No. No, I can't stay here for that long, I've got to get back to work! Come on, Liv, I'm okay. Just a little sick, but I'll feel better faster if I'm working! I'd rather be there than just lying on my ass here, anyways."
"Case," Olivia interjected, moving the ADA's hand off the IV, "what are you thinking? You can't just go right back to work- we can get a temp to take your cases until your back on your feet."
"But the victims! I can't let them just be forced to use an inexperienced attorney, all because I'm a little sick. Please, Liv, I promise I'll be okay, but I can't just stay here and do nothing. I'm at least going to call an intern to bring me some paperwork..."
Casey was panicking at the thought of having nothing to keep her distracted from her assault, even if only for a few days. If this didn't confirm Huang's diagnosis, nothing would. "Yeah," she said softly after a something. "Yeah, I guess you could call an intern." What was the point in arguing her on this? Olivia was about to try and convince her to stop using work as a method to carry out her denial. After that, Casey probably wouldn't be as driven to go right back to work, even though she was in the hospital.
"Casey, I need to talk to you about something."
Casey's eyes narrowed, and she crossed her arms, watching Olivia in suspicion. Every time Olivia a sentence like that, it always led to the same place. "Depends," she said uncertainly. "Is there going where I think it is?"
Olivia hesitated, but she had to do this eventually- and sooner was better than later. "Well, yes. But before you cut me off, could you please let me finish? I know that you don't want to hear it, but please just listen. After I'm done... then you can talk."
She was relieved when the ADA nodded slowly, too surprised to respond as she usually did- with anger and fury. "Thank you. Casey... you're not going to want to hear this, but you've been denying your assault. Ever since your attack, you've been using work to try and focus on something, anything else than what happened... I'm not the only here who works with victims. You do, as well, so you know I'm not just making this up- after their attacks, victims often use drugs or alcohol to deny what happened to them. Some slip into depression and fall apart, while others throw themselves into their work and become stars in their field, all because they're trying to deny what happened, because it's too painful for them to deal with. Now, you've always given every case your all, even before this... but now, it's not about that."
Casey pulled away from her, clearly steeling herself for the hurt that was coming. Olivia continued talking, refusing to let the ADA shut her out again. "Casey, nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia- everything you're going through is perfectly normal, even the denial. But you're not alone in this, and I'm not going to let you continue in this self destructive cycle. You're using work to deny what happened, and every time I try and tell you this, you refuse to listen and make your escape as soon as you can. I can't let you do this anymore, and I'm sorry that I haven't managed to stop this before now."
"Olivia, don't do this," the ADA said shakily. "Please don't do this."
"I'm just trying to get you to accept what happened, Casey. You can't work in your office at night. You have nightmares. You can't sleep without a light on. Panic attacks, flashbacks- and don't think I haven't noticed how much the memory loss was bothering you. And that flower delivery you got in your office?"
Casey blinked back tears, slowly shaking her head back and forth. "That's... that's not fair, Olivia."
"I'm not saying that you should be fine by now. It's perfectly all right that it's still affecting you. But you can only start to heal from it if you admit that something's wrong. Otherwise, it'll just keep getting worse. You can't keep pushing yourself this hard, Casey. I'm not the only one who can see that it's tearing you apart. You're trying to tell yourself that you're okay when you're not. And you can get better, but not how you are now. Right now, you're still convinced that you can't be hurt by your assault- that it happened in the past and it's not affecting you now, but you're wrong."
"No I'm not," she said in a shaky voice. "I'm not. I'm fine, Olivia. I'm fine."
"No, you're not, Casey. You're not fine. No matter how hard you try to deny it, it's going to come back down on you sooner or later, and the longer you wait, the harder you're going to fall."
Casey shook her head again, tears starting to stream down her cheeks. "No, no. No, don't do this to me, please! You're wrong!" Casey pleaded.
"Then how else do you explain everything that's been happening? The nightmares, your panic attacks, flashbacks, how you can't sleep if it's dark and I'm not there with you?" The ADA couldn't hold it back anymore and started sobbing, and Olivia couldn't manage to keep it up any longer. She wrapped her arms around Casey and held her close, resting a hand on the back of the ADA's head. Yes, she had been intentionally harsh, to try and break Casey out of her denial, and it was worth it... didn't mean that she felt more guilty with each of Casey's sobs.
"I'm... so... sorry," she gasped, squeezing her tight and struggling to stop crying. "I'm so sorry!"
"Shh," Olivia murmured, stroking her hair gently. "Don't apologize, Case. You haven't done anything wrong."
She held Casey in a warm embrace for over ten minutes, tears burning in her own eyes as well. To think she had put off this conversation for so long, just because she'd been unable to persist and get through to Casey, because she'd been afraid of her reaction. But this was worth it; breaking Casey's denial and helping her deal with it. No matter how much it hurt Casey now, it was for the best.
"H-how do I g-get better?" she finally stammered, pulling back slightly from Olivia so she could look the detective in the eye.
Squeezing her hand gently, Olivia smiled proudly and said, "You've just taken a very important first step, Casey. All you have to do now is keep working to get better. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you can do this. Let me help you. Talk to me, or if I can't help, then George, or anyone else- just let us help you. Things will get better, I promise, you just have to work at it."
Casey shook her head sharply, her eyes widening in fear. Her immediate reaction was no, she didn't want to work at it, it would hurt too much. She was scared. It was going to hurt and she didn't want to go through it. And god, it had been three entire months and she hadn't dealt with it at all. Now, thinking of the momentous task before... it seemed impossible. She couldn't do it alone.
As if she could hear her thoughts, Olivia said gently, "It's going to be all right, Casey. I'll be with you every step of the way, I promise."
A tear slipped down Casey's cheek again and Olivia wiped it away gently with her thumb. The road ahead of her was going to be long and hard, she knew that, but Olivia had been with her ever since she had woken up in the hospital that fateful day, over a month ago. She had made living in this hell bearable. And now, Olivia was telling her that it was possible for her to learn to live again. That's what she wanted. Yes, it seemed unimaginably difficult to break the pattern she now lived out every day and deal with her assault- she couldn't even imagine such a reality. But with Olivia at her side, maybe such a thing was possible. Maybe things would be all right.
What a beautiful cloud of denial she used to be able to hide behind. She used to be in an illusion, a perfect illusion of her walking forward through the beautiful, clear blue skies. Yes, there was darkness behind the few clouds over her head, but it never closed in on her. Whenever it tried, she would just start running until it couldn't hurt her anymore. It was an illusion, but oh what a beautiful one it had been.
Now, though, she's just falling in the darkness and doesn't know what way is up. No, that's not right- it's more like she's moving through thick mud, always struggling to move forward but everything around her looks the same; she's making no progress, and she's just as stuck as before.
Is she better off? No, Casey wants to say, no, she's not. No, she's not! It hurts so much more now that's aware of it.
Olivia would say that it's worth it. Olivia would say that suffering through the pain now is worth it for the peace of mind it will bring later.
What does she know, though? Olivia's mother may have been a victim once, but Olivia herself never had been.
And that's it, right there. Casey Novak had done a lot of things in her life and wants to do so much more, but becoming a victim was never on that list. And you can't un-victim yourself, if that makes any sense. Olivia says that even though she's a victim now, she can still make the journey from victim to survivor, and in a sense, that's true. But that's not what matters.
These experiences she has now, of being hit and left for dead, and of all the pain after it, both physical and mental... she'll never forget them. Just like she'll never be able to forget the night she was attacked- ironic, because the exact memories she wants remain elusive, slipping out of her grasp just when she thinks she finally remembers. She'll always have this pain of a victim, buried underneath all her power suits and dramatic legal arguments, because now she really, truly understands that no victim can never really 'get over' the crime that turned them into a victim in the first place. She understands that because she knows, now, with all her heart, that these experiences and memories and the pain that lives with them can not be eradicated completely. She'll remember the pain of being a victim, what would probably turn into a slight, though constant ache, always buried in time, though always able to jump forth and make the agony as real as if she had just been assaulted yesterday.
The child in her says it's not fair. The adult in her says who cares that's it not fair; deal with it, Casey.
Her friend says that she cares and she's here to help you deal with it, Casey.
Olivia. She's been here with her since the beginning. She helped bring her out of her denial, and while she's not thankful for that not, Casey's sure she will be in the future. Can you trust her, Casey? Trust her enough to let her help you?
Casey sighs. Everything is too confusing now.
She really only has one decision left. Accept Olivia's help and rise up out of the hole she'd dug herself into, or close her eyes and allow all hell to come up around her while she stubbornly ignores it, choosing instead to remain in what's familiar. What's painful, yes, but familiar... safe.
Survivor, or victim for life? Well, that's not really a choice. But can she stand the painful journey that's to come?
Olivia promised to be with her, though, to help her. Casey just has problems believing that that would be enough- it's not that she doubts Olivia's abilities, it's just that this rut she's dug herself into seems she so impossible to climb out of.
The possibility of living her life again... is she strong enough to turn into a reality?
"Hey," Olivia asks, her soft voice pulling her out of her thoughts as she reached out her hand. "You ready to go?"
Alone, no she's not. With Olivia, yes.
Casey takes Olivia's hand and allows her to pull her to her feet.
Wow. I can't believe I actually finished this. My very first SVU fanfiction, and my fourth fanfiction ever, being rewritten and rewritten over and over again- I suppose I'll never be happy with it, but this is the first one I've ever finished. Well, that's all, folks. I hope you enjoyed!
