Chapter 10: I'm Burning Slowly

Dedication: To my girls without whom this fic would not even exist: Cella, Melly, Jenn and Jaded. You four are the best thing that's happened to me in this fandom. MWAH.

Disclaimer: They belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer and I'm so glad she made them so I could play with them for just a little bit.

"The things you told me
To hear you speak
I'm burning slowly, I'm growing weak
You bring me closer to yesterday
Yesterday's a million miles away
Why can't you hear me? Why can't I sleep?
And I don't understand what keeps me breathing,"

-Hold On, Limp Bizkit (ft. Scott Weiland)

EPOV

I could go back to my life the way it was before Bella walked back into it. That's what I told myself after she left my apartment that day. After all, I reasoned, I had lived without her all this time - it should be the same now.

Of course, it was futile.

Even if I wasn't aware of her, and I very much was - it was as if the very essence of my being just knew she was out there somewhere and my yearning for her was a physical ache - I couldn't deny that she existed. That fact was thrown in my face on a near constant basis.

All those years that I had wished for someone who knew her; someone I could talk to who could share stories of her life... Well, it was the epitome of a 'be careful what you wish for' situation.

Just as she said he would, Jasper appeared at the museum just before lunch on the Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday.

My big brother.

Our childhood could have gone either way in the loving or hating department as siblings go. See - Jasper always had something I didn't - confidence. Sureness. Whatever you wanted to call it.

When we were children I was awed by his ability to just know what it was he wanted. If our mother told us we could each pick out a toy at the store he almost always marched directly to the correct aisle, snatched up whatever object had been in his head for God only knows how long and he was always happy with his choice. Me? I could never decide. Everything struck my fancy, but only for moments. My mother would eventually put a time limit on my decision and I would grab a toy I thought I might like only to be bored of it almost as soon as we hit the car - all while Jasper was playing happily with his toy.

Then, when we were older, he knew what he wanted to do in life. It wasn't that my parents put unrealistic expectations on us. Far from it - they always told us that we had plenty of time to choose what made us happy. But I saw the pride on my father's face when Jasper talked about becoming a doctor. I saw the path Jasper was on...how each good grade, each summer he spent volunteering at the hospital, all added up to this great life he had planned.

I could have been jealous, but I wasn't. I was proud of him. I wished I could be more like him. I tried. I really did - I just couldn't ever find something I really wanted.

Then Jasper almost died. God, I was so scared. I think I remember every minute of those long hours that I waited with my parents as Jasper was in surgery. Terrifying didn't even begin to cover it. I knew it was bad when my father started crying. He's always had such a calm, soothing presence, but he knew that Jasper's chances were slim and everything was entirely out of his control.

Jasper told me later that he had come to briefly in the ambulance and overheard the EMT say something about how there was no way he was going to survive.

In Jasper's words, his only thought was Fuck. That. Jasper wanted to live, so he did.

It was understandable to me that almost dying would make him think about things he hadn't thought of before. When my brother had an identity crisis he trotted off looking for himself elsewhere. Six months later, I did the same - imitation is the highest form of flattery.

I went out looking for myself. I found Bella. She was a purpose and a gift all wrapped up in one. Suddenly, I understood what it was to know you wanted something - to know a piece of what your life was supposed to be.

I lost her.

Jasper found her. He made her his purpose. He made her his life.

For the first time in my life, I was insane with jealousy of my brother.

Yeah – be careful what you wish for. For years I had wanted – needed – somebody to talk about Bella with.

Jasper wouldn't shut up about her.

It was a blessing and a curse. For years I had wondered about all the things I hadn't had time to learn about her. Likes, dislikes, dreams. Jasper knew all of it and then some. All the years that I hadn't thought about because I didn't know she was alive to experience them; he knew all of that history. When he talked about her I hung on his every word.

But it was more than apparent to me that, for Jasper, the sun rose and set specifically for Bella. He adored her. He was madly in love with her. It was good, in a way, because she deserved nothing less.

It was also agonizing to hear about. It was like dying of dehydration in the middle of the ocean – there was water as far as the eye could see, but you couldn't slake your thirst.

It was an awkward situation to be in. On the one hand, Jasper was obviously trying hard to mend the rift in his relationship with me and our parents. There were times when he was just my long lost brother instead of the man who was keeping the woman I was wretchedly in love with away from me. Our old relationship was still there. We could still talk excitedly about music. We had similar tastes and senses of humor. He was proud of my work with the museum and as fascinated as I was with the history of the world that surrounded us.

Of course, on the other hand, was the huge secret I was keeping from him.

When he talked about things like Bella's frequent blushing with an adoring smile on his face, I couldn't nod my agreement and tell him how cute I found that particular habit of hers. He talked about her selfless nature and I wanted to tell him about how she gave up so much of her normal teenage life to help her mother. Of course, I wasn't supposed to know any of those things, so I just nodded quietly, listening – and eating my heart out.

It wasn't fair not to tell him – I knew that, but I also knew that there was nothing fair about this situation – to any of us. It wasn't as if I had lost Bella, or she me, through any action of our own. It was a natural disaster that had killed almost a thousand people. We had both moved on in our way not because we wanted to but because we had to – each believing the other was dead. There's no way back from dead. It wasn't fair that while Bella should have been planning the next stage of her life with her significant other she was busy trying to cope with the overwhelming feelings she had for me. It wasn't fair that while I was trying to reconnect with my big brother I was fighting the urge to be angry with him.

Bella had only had a handful of days to try to come to terms with the situation before she was halfway across the country. Now, she thought it was only fair that she tell him face to face – which means I had to keep up this façade until just after the New Year. How could I argue with her? If I told him, he'd have questions and she'd be in Texas. It just wasn't something that could be handled over the phone.

We were at something of an impasse about how to tell him. I offered to be there but she said it was her responsibility. I pointed out that he was my brother – I had a responsibility to him too.

Jesus, there was no way to make any of this any easier.

In the meantime, I tried to figure out how I was going to live the rest of my life.

The solace that I'd found in the life I had before had been shattered.

I couldn't lose myself in my work the way I had before because now I knew I could go home and share it with her. I did, too. We had so many Gtalk conversations about my exhibits and the things I was learning.

The little fantasies that had given me a measure of happiness – bittersweet as it had been – were no longer…kosher. I couldn't imagine Bella sharing my life with me anymore because it would be – how would my preacher grandfather put it – having impure thoughts about another man's woman. My brother no less. Coveting, Grandfather Cullen would call it. I no longer had the right to want her; not even in wistful daydreams.

Then there was my association with Tanya.

Two weeks into December she called me. She wanted company. My immediate reaction was to say no. Then I thought it was probably healthier that I say yes. Though she wasn't denying her feelings for me, Bella also gave no indication she was even considering leaving Jasper. What – I was going to live my life forever pining after something I couldn't have? At the very least I should be able to enjoy the pleasurable company of another human being - just for a night. There was nothing wrong with the mutually beneficial relationship I had with Tanya, and in a sense, nothing had changed. Tanya knew full well that I had no feelings for her beyond friendship and that my heart and soul belonged to another woman.

So I invited her over.

I felt like an ass because my mind kept drifting. For the first time, as I was doing things with Tanya, I was thinking about Bella – something I promised myself I would never do. I kept on trucking – so to speak – trying to drive images of Bella out of my mind; trying to relieve myself of the constant torment I'd felt since I saw her again. Just a few minutes of pleasure – that's all I wanted. A few minutes to forget.

Of course, making matters worse was the fact that I found out only after I was pumping away furiously that I couldn't orgasm without thinking of Bella. I gave in.

Afterward, I felt horrible about it. Regardless of the fact that I wasn't in love with her – Tanya deserved better than that.

"So," she said conversationally as we lay there, panting, trying to catch our breaths. "What is wrong?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, defensive and guilty.

"Not that I am complaining, but you fucked me like a man on a mission. Something is wrong," she stated bluntly.

After weeks of only having myself to talk to, I found that I needed to tell someone else. Staring up at the ceiling, I confessed. "Bella is alive."

Tanya blinked at me. "What?"

I explained the situation to her.

"Ni figa sebe!" she exclaimed. I didn't know what it meant but it was a disbelieving kind of sound.

"Tell me about it," I mumbled.

She was quiet for a long while. "You must fight for her."

I chuffed, still not looking at her. I could feel her eyes on me as she spoke. "She is worth fighting for – yes?"

"Of course. She's worth…everything," I said automatically. "It's worth fighting for her to be happy. He makes her happy - at least, he did until I came along. I know what I want - but she's more important than I am. To me, at least."

She got up then, putting on her clothes wordlessly. She didn't look upset, merely contemplative. I sat up in bed watching her.

When she was fully dressed Tanya came to sit beside me. She stroked my cheek tenderly, smiling as she looked into my eyes. "This has been good, but it is over now."

I opened my mouth to argue or make excuses – I don't know what I was going to say. I knew it was true even before she said the words. Tanya just put a finger to my lips. "You don't have to say anything. I will miss this but we both knew we could not promise each other forever." She kissed me then, a soft, lingering but chaste kiss. "I am your friend, Edward. This has not changed. I am here if you need to talk."

Then she was gone.

I wondered briefly if there was something wrong with me that I felt nothing when she left. Sure, I'd thrown myself a brief pity party and considered joining a priesthood somewhere, but I was really more stuck on Tanya's assumption that I would fight for Bella.

Poets and free spirits would tell you there are few things more worth fighting for than love - but that just wasn't how the world worked. More specifically, it wasn't how Bella worked. Through our interactions and through Jasper's stories I knew she was still very much the same girl I'd met in Long Beach. She trusted her emotions more these days - but not enough to make life decisions based on them. Jasper had told me that while she worried that their relationship would be over when she had to move back to Washington, she had never considered not going.

Even if I'd wanted to fight for her, I didn't have a leg to stand on. All we were was emotional. My love for her was the strongest, most powerful thing that I had ever known, but we had never had the chance to be more than that. Bella and Jasper had worked for their relationship - overcome obstacles and both had to give pieces of themselves to adapt. It was beautiful.

This would just be so much easier if my brother was an asshole - but he wasn't.

What was I supposed to ask her - to give me a chance? Take a sure thing and throw it aside to have to do all the initial build up that was starting a relationship? It wasn't as though, if it turned out she and I couldn't have a good life together, she could just go back to Jasper. That was not even taking into consideration the turmoil it would cause my family.

Time continued to soldier on and a brilliant solution to the twisted mess that was my life continued to not make an appearance.

Jasper was at the museum the day before Christmas Eve. I had a few things to do before we were going to drive to Forks for Christmas so Seth had volunteered to give him a personal tour. I figured that ought to keep him busy enough. Seth was, as always, overzealous in his task.

Great kid.

Around quitting time they met me outside my exhibit.

"I've been telling Jasper about all the great things you're doing with the displays," Seth said excitedly as they came up.

I smiled at him because it was impossible not to, wondering vaguely if I had ever sounded similar when I'd tagged along after my brother as a kid.

"How come you never talk about your work anyway, Edward?" Jasper asked sincerely. "It actually sounds...kind of fascinating."

"Oh," I shrugged, running my hand through my hair self-consciously. I wasn't sure what else to say because I honestly hadn't thought he'd be interested in it.

Guilt - because I'm pretty sure his girlfriend knew the exhibit by heart even though she hadn't stepped foot inside the museum yet. We talked about it constantly.

Selfishness - I didn't want to show him before I showed her.

Pushing my ridiculousness aside I forced myself to smile at him. "Well, better late than never. If you really want to see it, you can come back."

"I'd like that," Jasper said.

You know - his Texan drawl still sounded strange to me. He hadn't had it when he left Washington.

I wished Seth a Merry Christmas and lead Jasper back to the closed off section of the museum I was responsible for. The exhibit was almost ready with a tentative opening date of the first week of February.

For a few minutes we wandered through the different artifacts, Jasper stopping every once in a while at one that caught his eye. I told him a little about how we got the pieces, and he got a laugh out of my description of Aro's ability to get exactly what he wanted.

"You know the stories behind all of these?" Jasper asked, looking at me with a curious sense of awe.

I nodded. "That's the idea, anyway. I know the history and the mythology behind each piece," I shrugged. "As much as it can be known."

He whistled lowly. "That's got to be a lot."

"It's no more impressive than what Dad does," I commented. "I mean, he had to memorize every human body part along with the litany of things that go wrong with it, right?"

Jasper grinned at me. "You have a point. Science I can understand though - it's just making sense of how things work; how things actually are. This," he gestured around us, "It's just stories. Fiction."

I considered his words. "Sure," I said, nodding carefully, "But you can get behind philosophy right?" I asked, recalling the analytical conversations we used to get into as teens. We thought we were deep.

"What's the philosophy behind some girls and a spindle?" he asked, pointing to a display with that drawing on it.

I had to smirk at the irony of the piece he'd pointed out. How much of my time had I spent scowling at these vicious harpies of late? "Those are Moirae - the three Fates. Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. One spins the thread of life, one chooses the length of life - of the yarn - the last snips the thread. It was believed that all the good and bad things that would happen to you were decided by them from the time of your birth. What was written was inescapable.

"You could argue that they were the most powerful of the immortals as Zeus himself was not immune to their power." So a mere mortal like me - yeah, no hope there.

I looked up to find Jasper grinning at me again. "Well now, I'm not as smart as you are. I fail to grasp the philosophy of three chicks playing with string," he said teasingly.

I rolled my eyes a bit. It wasn't the first time he'd commented on me lapsing into my "hoity-toity museum mode," as he'd called it. In reality I knew he was proud of me.

"The philosophy is that if something is destined, there is no fighting it. Mythology is full of instances where those who were trying to avoid their destiny only brought it on quicker. Oedipus, for example. Surely you remember that much from high school," I joked.

Jasper shuddered. "The whole marrying your mother thing makes that tale hard to forget," he admitted.

I nodded. "Most religions - mythologies, if you will - address fate and destiny to some extent. You could say that the lesson behind the Greek myths was that you cannot fight fate."

Though he was still staring at the piece in front of us, I could tell that Jasper wasn't really seeing it. "Isn't fighting fate what brought on the fate in the first place? I remember reading about it - the damn Greeks were always asking the prophecies and not liking the answer, but if they hadn't known in the first place they wouldn't have indirectly caused their own fate to pass." He titled his head on me, a mock-serious expression on his face. "I think it teaches you a great philosophy - stay away from psychics."

"Pfft," I tsk'ed him, amused. "How else are we to know our destiny?"

"Oh, the way I figure it, if it's meant to be you're going to stumble into it one way or another," Jasper hypothesized.

Or it will stumble into you, I mused to myself.

Regardless of the outcome, it couldn't be denied that Bella had given me direction. Before her I was just meandering through life. Afterward, I'll admit that I did things that would not only make me happy, but would have made us happy.

The way I figured, many people got through life on much less. I truly loved my work at the museum and didn't feel I would ever tire of it as it was constantly in motion. Unlike all the other past times and interests I'd held and given up just as quickly, this one would stick. I was good at it, but then good had never really been a problem for me, and I enjoyed it.

It wasn't lost on me that though he'd had his own reasons and his own goals for all of our childhood - in adulthood, Jasper had taken mine.

I reflected that we would have made for excellent Greek theater though I wondered if our story would have been a comedy or a tragedy.

I supposed I would have to wait for our story to end to know for sure.

.

We arrived at home in Forks a little after nine at night. Still, Mom insisted on feeding us. She and Dad both sat down with Jasper and I as we ate.

I realized I was spacing out when Bella's name brought me back to the conversation.

"It's a little bit of a commute from Bella's work, but it's against traffic," he was saying.

I guessed that he'd found a place to live. Too curious for my own good, I spoke up. "Sorry, I must have spaced out for a second. Did you say you'd found an apartment?"

"It's a guest house," Jasper responded. "Emmett and Rosalie decided to buy out here and the house they're closing on has a guest house in back. It's ideal, actually. Emmett said he wouldn't expect much in the way of rent – actually, he said he wouldn't charge us at all except that Bella would never stand for that kind of thing," he chuckled, rolling his eyes fondly. "We could save while we were there and then we'd be able to get our own place soon enough."

The sharp pain that shot through me then made me set my glass down a little harder than I'd intended. They all turned to me then and I spoke without thinking. "Sounds perfectly ideal for you," I spat. "Since she's the one with the job, which she'll have to commute to, she's the one who's going to be saving for the both of you. It must be nice not to have to do anything."

"Edward!" both of my parents objected. Jasper was staring at me with a shell-shocked expression, obviously not knowing what to say.

They needn't have bothered. I knew it was a mistake as I said it – and not even really true.

"Sorry," I muttered, pushing my chair back sharply. "I'll be upstairs."

Without another word I turned and fled for the sanctuary of my room. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, trying to get a handle on myself.

The past month I had just been struggling with coping day to day. It was easier both easier and harder because Bella wasn't actually here. Easier because I didn't have to see her with my brother. Harder, of course, because the distance between us was physically painful.

When Jasper had started talking about them getting a home of their own it really hit me. They were planning a life together – one that I would, doubtless, have to see as they built it. It struck me then that the only thing I had ever wanted – not just Bella herself, but the life that came with her: a home, a wedding, children, goals and dreams – Jasper would have. Now, instead of being a distant could have been, I would have to watch it all become a reality – with Jasper in the place I should have stood.

The life that had disappeared when Bella fell overboard had reappeared in front of my face. It was like some Clockwork Orange torture – my eyes being held open as I was forced to watch it all happen on the TV screen.

I didn't know how I was going to do this.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I jumped when I heard a knock on the door. I groaned softly. Whichever one of them it was, I didn't know if I could deal with facing anyone. I debated with telling them to go the hell away but knew it would just be prolonging the inevitable – and making it worse with my petulance.

"Come in," I called, defeated.

As my father entered the room I didn't look up, studiously studying my hands instead. He paused in front of me but then moved to the desk, sitting in the chair. As usual, his presence was quiet and unassuming. I think he was waiting for me to talk. Trouble was, I didn't know what to say.

Confused and hurting, I surprised us both with what came out of my mouth. "What do you think of Bella?"

There was a moment of silence as that was probably the last thing he had expected me to say. Carlisle being Carlisle, he rolled with it and spoke honestly. "She's a nice girl. I like her very much. Plus, she's bringing Jasper home so that endears me to her quite a bit." As usual, my father could not be doubted. The gratefulness was clear in his voice. "She's good for him," he said after a moment.

I scoffed before I could help it and could practically feel his disapproving gaze on me. When he spoke, though, his voice was unassuming as always – ever the concerned father. "Edward, what's going on with you? Jasper says that sometimes you're barely civil to him. Now you have some sort of problem with his girlfriend?"

The irony was not lost on me that he had not had to have these types of conversations with either of us when we were teenagers.

"I don't have a problem with her," I mumbled instead of answering.

"You have a very funny way of showing it," he returned, his voice still soft.

I stared straight ahead, not looking at him, arguing with myself. I realized that I wanted to tell him. Though I was far from a child at twenty-five, there was still a part of me that craved his guidance when a situation was beyond me. It was all so consuming, agonizing and confusing to me. Maybe he would have some insight; some path that I just couldn't see from where I stood.

I sighed, the sound more like a growl, and finally told him the secret I'd been holding for a month. "Do you remember when I was 19 and I went to California?" I asked hesitantly, finally looking up at him.

He blinked, obviously confused as to what this had to do with anything. "Of course I remember."

Of course – he'd been worried half to death when he heard about the earthquake and my phone had been destroyed in the water that had pummeled the boat. "I told you about a girl I met and how nothing had ever felt so right?" I continued.

They had helped me look for her when I insisted. My parents had wanted to get me out of California as fast as possible, but I was nearly incoherent with my desperation to find her. I'd never told them the full story. They never spoke about it afterward, but I knew they thought that my connection with this phantom girl was something that my mind had made up as part of the experience I'd had. They'd been relieved when I just stopped mentioning her after I'd accepted that she was dead.

"You said she died," Carlisle answered me finally.

"I was mistaken," I said then, watching him and praying that he would understand.

For a moment I could see confusion in his features and then horrible realization. "Oh," he murmured, the word all he could manage in that moment.

I put my hands over my eyes. "Yeah. Oh."

I told him everything then – all about the day we spent together and Bella not wanting to tell me her name. I told him about how I'd tried to move on and eventually came to a realization that I couldn't. I told him about how I'd gone into autopilot mode when I saw her there and realized that she was with Jasper. I told him how the connection hadn't diminished; if anything, it'd only gotten stronger and I didn't know what to do because seeing her with my brother was physically painful.

The more silent he was the more I realized just how impossible a situation I found myself in the middle of. As a father, he should want what was best for his son. The problem was, of course, that Jasper was his son too. Either way you sliced it – what was best for one of us was devastating for the other.

I almost regretted putting this on him, but I couldn't. At least now I wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of disappointing him too. My father's respect meant the world to me. At least he understood my hot and cold attitude toward Jasper.

And Jasper would understand soon enough. One more week.

Maybe it was better that I gave my father a heads up - before it really hit the fan.

"I don't think I can tell your mother about this," Carlisle muttered distractedly, apparently at a loss for anything else to say.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I said into my hands, realizing that he was right. My mother would want to fix it and I knew the three of us – Bella, Jasper and I – needed to hash it out before anyone else's opinion got involved. "I didn't mean to burden you…make you keep secrets from Mom."

I heard him sigh quietly and then he got up, sitting down next to me with a hand on my shoulder. "Edward, you know you're never a burden. I can't begin to grasp how you've dealt with this on your own. It's got to be frustrating."

I chuffed. "Putting it somewhat mildly…."

"I'm glad you told me – if only so that you have someone to talk to. I just wish I had any sort of advice for you. What can I say except that, whatever happens, your mother and I will be here for you," he promised.

If this thing pitted us against each other – and I could see very clearly how quickly it could – I wondered if he would be able to say the same thing. How could he be here for both of us?

The following week passed by at once too slowly and too quickly. I could tell Bella was getting more nervous about talking with Jasper. After three weeks of being online nearly every day, she was suddenly, mysteriously, absent.

Cutting off that little access I had to her was maddening. It wasn't that I didn't understand. Though we both knew that we couldn't ignore each other - that would have made our problem worse - it was too easy to get lost in the conversations we had. Bella and I could talk for hours without ever tiring of each other.

Our conversations made me all the more smitten with her. How easily she could jump from history to philosophy to politics to pop culture. She kept me on my toes more than any other person I'd known.

If she even felt remotely the same way, I could understand how she was trying to keep her head clear the week prior to coming home to her boyfriend.

If I was being honest with myself, it pissed me off. That was the week I started thinking about the negatives, ridiculous as they were. Because really, how dare she move on? She had admitted that her feelings for me were too strong to be ignored, even when she thought I was dead. I hadn't tried to have a relationship through that. How could she have?

On New Years, as the clock struck 10 in the evening our time, Jasper was on the phone wishing her a Happy New Year and murmuring sweet things to her. At midnight, that was the scene all over again when she called him.

I ached because she was the only one on my mind that night - a night that promised new beginnings.

Two days later she was coming home. Jasper was bouncing off the walls. I almost felt sorry for him, knowing the conversation that lay in his near future.

It was open mic night at the little restaurant I frequented. A couple of weeks previous, Jasper and Emmett had been talking about wanting to find some place new to play and I had suggested my favorite restaurant. It all worked out quite nicely. Jasper, Emmett and another musician they'd met named Eric Yorkie would perform together for the first time that night. Bella, at her own insistence, was taking a cab in from the airport and then she and Jasper would go home together, of course.

Me? Jasper wanted me to see him play.

Supportive brother that I was - I had agreed.

The very thought of having to sit here and probably witness Jasper and Bella's reunion was making my stomach churn. I was angry. I was hurt. I probably should have stayed clear of the restaurant at all costs.

I was, however, also a masochist.

Because I had to see her again. Like a drug addict who knows he shouldn't be around his fix but can't help it, I had to see her.

I got to the restaurant first that day.

"Hey kid," Brandy greeted cheerfully. "Long time no see."

I smiled at her, knowing full well the smile was lukewarm at best. "Sorry. It's a bad time, you know? Alcoholism runs in my family and I don't want to tempt fate by being around."

She clucked sympathetically and was about to say something else when the door opened again and Emmett's loud laugh interrupted us.

"This must be the right place. Hey Edward," Emmett greeted cheerfully.

Though we got along for the time being, I wondered if Jasper's best friend was the violent type. Once he found out the secret I'd been keeping from my brother, he was sure to lose the cheerfulness, but would he come after me? I liked to think I could hold my own if it came to a fight, but he was so much bigger than I was.

Shaking off that idle, if dramatic, thought, I turned to them with a smile. Jasper, Emmett and Eric were accompanied by Jasper's cousin, and Emmett's fiance, Rosalie and a man introduced to me as Eric's boyfriend - Mike Newton.

With introductions going on all around I almost missed the exchange between Jasper and Brandy.

He was staring at her slightly with pursed lips and a somewhat speculative glance. More than that, she was staring back and she seemed...

Shy. Bashful.

She ducked her head and cleared her throat asking in an uncharacteristically breathless voice if she could get anyone anything.

Jasper let his gaze linger a bit longer than I felt was right before he shook his head and turned to Emmett.

In retrospect, I knew it wasn't an excuse for what I did then. In retrospect I knew that Brandy was a lovely woman, and Jasper had only made the mistake of noticing her - looking was only human.

Retrospect wasn't a luxury I had in the moment.

"Hey Jasper," I called to my brother, carefully masking my anger at his wandering eyes. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor..."

Shortly after Jasper agreed to my request, Bella arrived with just minutes to spare before he and his friends were set to go on stage. As it always did, the sight of her stole my breath but I only had moments to appreciate her beauty and the deep relief I felt at seeing her again. Excited, Jasper ran to her and swept her into his arms almost before she could get all the way in the door.

I found myself suddenly vehemently opposed to public displays of affection.

My automatic defense mechanism – the emotionless mask I wore on my face – kicked in. My voice was amazingly calm as I turned to the others and mumbled that I was going to get a drink. They didn't pay me much mind, eyes all caught up on the adoring couple.

I made my way to the bar and sat down heavily in one of the stools. My eyes searched for Brandy only to find her staring at Bella and Jasper with a frown. "It's just…it's just rude!" she exclaimed suddenly.

Even though I was riding a chaotic whirlwind of emotions, it still struck me as odd. Brandy didn't strike me as the prudish type. However, I made the mistake of glancing over at them again.

Seeing them like that couldn't have hurt worse than if someone had stuck a particularly nasty knife in my gut and twisted. "Brandy. Whiskey," I requested raggedly.

That caught her attention, her head snapping back to me. "What?"

"I need a shot of whiskey. I don't care which brand as long as it's strong," I said, trying hard not to grit my teeth.

Brandy looked back and forth once between Bella and Jasper and me. "Ohhkay," she said hesitantly, obviously wondering what was going on.

I watched her as she poured not one but two shots. She set one down in front of me and raised the other. "Never drink alone," she said with a small smile and clinked my glass before downing her own.

The burn of the alcohol down my throat distracted me from the image burned behind my eyelids. "One more," I said as I put the empty shot glass down.

Brandy studied me intently but poured the shot.

I picked up the shot, studying the liquid within it and heard my father's voice in my head; saw his concerned expression in my minds eye. I glanced briefly at Brandy. "Don't let me order more of this, okay?" I knew I could ask her as a friend.

She nodded her promise and I threw back the shot.

For the first time I understood the concept of alcohol taking the edge off. The stabbing sensation in my stomach was not going to overwhelm me. I was in control of it – though just barely. It still felt like I couldn't take a deep breath and I couldn't think quite clearly. The pain was just slightly quieter – slightly less acute.

The sounds of instruments being tuned distracted me. Hesitant, I turned in my seat, my eyes first going to the stage where Jasper and his friends were testing their sound. Emmett and Eric were on house instruments. The guitar in Jasper's hands was his own.

His new guitar actually – the one I'd bought for him for Christmas.

Because I loved him.

Though, at that moment, that fact was difficult to remember.

In the next moment, as they began playing their first song, I felt a pull to turn my head that was so great it was almost a need and I knew that Bella was looking at me. Unable to fight it, I turned my head.

Her expression was worried. She had probably seen me down the shots the way I did.

The urge to go to her was powerful. I gripped the underside of the barstool hard enough for the metal to dig into my palms in an effort to keep myself where I was. No way I could join them – not right now.

Somehow, I made myself turn away, unable to look at her anymore. If I looked I was going to do something stupid. Stupider than I'd already done, anyway. The tension in the room, even across the restaurant, was intense, and my body knew the only way to soothe it was to go to her.

But I couldn't.

Jasper's voice startled me. I hadn't even noticed that their first of three songs was over. In fact, all the noises around me could have been in a vacuum. It was like that scene from West Side Story when Tony first sees Maria and everything else gets blurry and far away. There had only been her.

I shook my head to try and clear my thoughts.

"…song my little brother and I taught ourselves as kids," he was saying into the microphone. His eyes scanned the audience and he looked surprised when he saw me away from the others, but he dipped his guitar in my direction before he started singing the song I had requested.

As he strummed the opening notes I swear I could hear Bella's sharp intake of breath even as far away as I was from her. I closed my eyes briefly but then turned in my seat so I could see her.

She was staring down at the table top, not looking at anyone as Jasper began to sing that song.

The same song we'd sung to each other on our one day.

She didn't look up until Jasper got to the most chaotic part of the song. His deep voice perfectly capturing the chaos the song spoke of – two halves of one whole being forcefully torn apart and scattered to the winds. "And then storm clouds gathered above, into great balls of fire. And the fire shot down from the sky in bolts like shining blades of a knife."

When she looked up, it was me she looked at. Her eyes were filled with pain, fury and a deep sadness that twisted my heart in my chest.

I barely noticed when Rosalie leaned over, whispering something to her with a concerned look on her face. Bella shook her head slightly and then stood, turning and walking briskly for the exit.

I didn't even realize I'd stood until I was already out the door. I got outside just in time to see her disappear around the side of the building. Picking up into a full out sprint, I followed her. She was slumped against the wall, one hand over her eyes and visibly upset, but as I came to a halt, unsure of what to do or say, her head snapped up.

"Why did you do it? I know it was you, why did you do it?" she demanded, but she didn't give me a chance to answer before she was yelling again. "Don't you know this is hard enough? I don't know what you want from me."

I hated that she was hurting and I hated that she was angry at me, but I was hurt and angry too. I was tired of hiding from her – knowing she was going to choose my brother when we never had a chance. I was tired of pretending that fact didn't tear me apart. I found I didn't have the strength to answer any way but honestly.

"I want... I want for you to have told me your name. Maybe I couldn't have stopped you from going overboard, but I could have found you. I know you felt what I felt – you feel what I feel. Why couldn't you have just told me?" Her face fell as she wrapped her arms around her middle defensively. I wanted to go to her and comfort her even though I was the one who was hurting her right now, but I knew I couldn't and that made me even angrier. "I want for you to have played by the same rules with my brother as you did with me. Or that you hadn't met him at all."

She looked up then, her eyes searching mine. "You realize if I hadn't met your brother I wouldn't have found you again."

"Maybe that would have been better," I snapped, then I gasped at the very thought, shaking my head harshly. "No. Shit. No, I don't mean that. Of course I don't mean that. But this...this is torture. It's fucking...hell."

"Do you think this is easier for me?" she shouted, incredulous.

"I don't know. Isn't it?" I asked, knowing full well how petulant I was being. I needed to know though. It just seemed like she was dealing with it better than I ever could.

She stared at me, and I was taken aback by the agony in her voice when she spoke. "This hurts. It hurts so much. It's like fighting nature - like fighting everything I am not to be with you, but I don't know what to do," she said, her voice pleading – though I didn't know for what. For me to understand? I was trying. "I love him, Edward. I do. That hasn't changed. But I don't know how to want him and want you. How do I tell him that I lov-"

I stepped forward, cutting her off. "Don't. Don't say it. I can't…." I couldn't hear her say that she loved me, even though I knew it was true. I couldn't hear it and not act on it.

Suddenly I was stepping right up to her, my movements too aggressive. She backed up instinctively, hitting the wall of the restaurant and staring at me as I kept coming. Before I knew what I was doing I had raised my arms, putting my hands on either side of her, caging her in.

I couldn't touch her. I knew without a doubt I couldn't touch her because if I did I'd never be able to stop.

If I so much as stroked her cheek it would never be enough. I would crush her to me until I felt her soft body against every inch of mine. If I gave even an inch I would take a mile and I shouldn't. As it was she surrounded me. Her body was inches from mine and the energy between us hit me everywhere. My skin crawled as if it were covered in millions of magnates straining for her – my very pores vibrating with the pull. Her warmth enveloped me, wrapping around me so that I felt like I was under a heat lamp though the night was cool and the rain cold against my back. Her eyes pinned me – pain and passion warring in them and I knew she was feeling the same things I was. Her hands were pressed flat against the brick, white with the effort of keeping them still. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted it worse than I'd wanted anything – it was starvation and thirst and asphyxiation all at once. I felt like I would die if I couldn't put my lips to hers and show her how much she owned me.

"Fuck," I spat the word with all the anguish that had been building inside of me since the moment I came down the stairs to find her there. This ghost. This vision. This perfect memory that had been swept away from me as quickly as she'd been given. It was the worst torture because she was right there…I could hear her and smell her and see her but she wasn't mine. Not only that but she was Jasper's. My brother. My idol. I loved him and I hated him. I wanted to scream like a sulky child. It wasn't fair. I had her first. She was mine first. Yet she was letting him keep her and in my mind's eye I saw him taunting me like he had when we were children. Finders keepers.

"Fuck!" I swore again, loud enough that she jumped. I slapped my hand hard against the wall next to her head, needing a physical release. I felt like I was falling apart – I felt like the ocean had that day I had found her and lost her. The violent way the boat had pitched on the churning water – waves slapping against the hull like thunder – everything I felt was chaos and destruction. I slapped my palm against the side of the building harder, the pain that ricocheted through my hand a relief from the turmoil I felt inside. My eyes were open and on Bella. She was crying. Her eyes tortured. Her hands came up and paused millimeters away from my face. She was so close. If I tilted my head one way or another I could feel her skin against mine. I stared at her, begging her with my eyes but even I didn't know what I was begging her for. Touch me and put an end to this terrible misery. Touch me and give me permission to feel her again; to consume her; to make her part of me - like the song spoke of trying to put ourselves back together. Touch me and let me make love to her like I've wanted to since the moment I saw her fucking years ago.

Or was I begging her to stop torturing me? Because she wasn't mine. She couldn't be mine - not like this. "Fuck!

"Hey!" I heard his voice a split second before something grabbed me by my jacket and yanked me backwards. "What the fuck are you doing, Edward?"

It was him. Of course it was him. The fact that he was pulling me away from her again made me furious. How I restrained myself from punching my brother in that moment I would never know. It was all I wanted to do. "Get off me!" I roared instead, shaking him away. I stepped several paces back quickly, putting distance between us.

He took one look at the tears on Bella's cheeks and stepped forward, fury coming of him in waves. "What the fuck were you doing to Bella?" he demanded, getting in punching distance again.

"Get away from me," I warned, frozen because if I moved I was going to hurt him and somewhere in my logical mind I knew it wasn't his fault. My hands were already fists.

"Have you lost your mind? If you hurt her-," he was yelling, grabbing me by the front of the jacket.

"Get away from me!" I shouted this time. My blood was boiling and I was going to fucking annihilate him.

"Jasper!" Bella's voice instantly shifted my attention from my brother-enemy. Before I could process what was happening she had a hand on both of our chests and she was pushing. My whole body was fire except for where her hand touched me. There I felt soothed, but only for a moment as she wrestled her way in between us, forcing us both to stumble backward, away from each other.

"He didn't hurt me," she was telling Jasper. "It's not his fault."

Her back was to me and her hands were on him. I turned, because I knew in the next second he was going to draw her into the protection of his arms, shielding her from me, and I couldn't see that. Not right now. I practically sprinted away from them; from her.

I got to my car but only made it as far as across the street before I had to pull over. Lucky it was a darkened lot of a business that had closed for the day and I was alone with my thoughts.

I leaned forward over the wheel trying to get control of myself. I was fighting to the urge to go back to her and fighting the urge to just sob and fighting the urge to spontaneously combust. My frustration and pain boiled over into a wordless cry as I slammed my fist into the steering wheel. The physical jolt seemed to help so much that I did it again, this time on the dash. I hit the dash over and over until all the fury dissipated. My screams turned to gasping and I realized that I'd started actually crying at some point.

All the energy seemed to leave me at once and I sagged backward in my seat, trying to stop the pathetic tears. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the roof of my car, trying to come to terms with my life. Eventually, the tears stopped. I felt numb – completely dead inside, though I knew that was just temporary; something to keep the pain at bay so I didn't go out of my mind.

Obviously searching for anything to think about besides Bella, I realized I hadn't paid for my alcohol before I'd run from the restaurant. Mechanically, I started the ignition again and drove back across the street. I parked and walked back into the restaurant in a kind of daze.

A quick glance around told me that Jasper and Bella had left, but I expected that much. Emmett, Rosalie, Eric and Mike were at the same booth they had been in earlier that evening, though by the amount of empty glasses around I'd say they were probably having a good time and paying no attention to me.

Good.

I sat at the bar, staring down at the wood.

"Edward?" Brandy's voice cut through the haze and I looked up, remembering suddenly that I'd come in here to pay. "Jesus… are you okay?"

I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine but I couldn't. I wasn't. So I just snapped my mouth closed again and shook my head.

"Oh, God look at your hand. What did you do? Did you get into a fight?" she asked, bringing my right hand toward her with both of hers. She looked up at me, obviously expecting an answer.

"I punched my car," I explained, my voice sounding flat and lifeless.

She looked me in the eye as if she was trying to read something there. I don't know what she saw, but she told me to hold on a second. She walked to the other end of the bar where another bartender was serving drinks. They exchanged a few words and she came back over to me. "Okay. Talk. Really," she demanded.

I opened my mouth to decline her request, but there was something about the look in her eyes, like she wouldn't take no for an answer. I found myself talking before I realized my mouth was moving. "I want to tell you a story about love at first sight. You'll probably laugh at me," I warned.

She shook her head. "No, I believe in love at first sight."

"Do you?" Though you wouldn't have been able to tell from my voice, I was surprised. Almost everyone enjoyed a good romance every now and again but most logical people didn't believe in falling head over heels in love with someone just by looking at them.

Before Bella, I would have told you it was a ridiculous notion.

Brandy shrugged. "Sure. Some things are inevitable, E. Like the sun rising in the east. You can't explain it and you can't stop it."

"I can explain the sun rising in the east," I said, a tinge of bitterness leaking into my tone. "I can't explain what I felt for this girl from the moment I laid eyes on her. I could have married her...right then. No questions. Without even knowing her name. But I got one day with her. Not even 24 hours. It was like... a Cinderella story. As soon as the sun went down all of the magic was swept away - quite literally. I thought she was dead. If I had known...And then, years later, she shows up...and she's the ultimate of unavailable women."

"Are you talking about your brother's girlfriend?" Brandy nearly screeched, shock evident in her voice.

Desolate, I nodded.

She didn't speak for a moment, taking this in. Then a curious expression came over her face and she took my hand in hers again. "May I?"

I figured she was just going to cluck over my wounds. My hand wasn't bad, it was red and swollen – the skin was split in some places but there were no broken bones. I just nodded at her because I understood. What was anyone supposed to say when I told them my story?

Instead of tending to my wounds she flipped my hand over. "I learned how to read palms once... Yeah...there it is. See this line here?" she ran her finger down a deep line that ran down the middle of my palm. I just nodded, wondering what the hell she was getting at. "This is your destiny line. Now - a lot of people mistake this for the length of your life, but it isn't. It's more like a map of high points and low points.

"Now, I don't know how much you know about reincarnation – but there's a theory that we are all two halves of one whole. As you move through your lives, your other half is taking a similar path, if that makes sense. Occasionally, your lives will intersect, and when it does the connection between you will be powerful," she said gently.

I was familiar with the concept. It wasn't unlike the origin of love myth. "Twin-souls," I responded. Soul mates of sorts, though the theory postulated that the twin-souls did not have to be lovers in every life they were together relationship could be anything.

Brandy nodded. She traced her finger down my palm again, this time following a fainter line parallel to my destiny line. "They say that if you have two destiny lines, your twin-soul is in this lifetime," she said with a small smile.

"What does that mean?" I asked, too tired to keep up with double talk and hidden messages.

"It means…what's meant to happen will happen. It'll be alright," she comforted.

I opened my mouth to argue but then her eyes suddenly flitted to the door and widened.

I turned and instantly realized that the night was far from over.

Jasper was standing in the doorway, glaring at me. The livid expression on his face told me that he knew.

A/N: I have about a thousand ideas for outtakes for this story...so I was wondering, my darling reviewers, what you want to see? Is there a scene or moment from the story so far that's missing that you'd like to see? Let me know. I will take it into consideration.

Also - as far as Bella telling Jasper - we're gonna see that next chapter, so don't request that.

Thanks to JadedandBoring for emergency beta! I love you chick. Also thanks to Stacey and MD - seriously, you girls let me talk your ears off about this fic. Why? Rofl.

Press the review button...even if you just want to yell at me.