EB Games Tech Support
Chapter 11
"Dude, we got another call from the NAACP…" Dhaos stated with a frown. "They said that Cless's statement was cause for a law suit."
"No fucking way?" Sephiroth replied, hanging up the phone before actually even answering it.
"Yeah, but apparently Cloud's off the hook for his anti-Jew statements. Fucking Aryans."
"Psst, Dhaos…you're blonde haired and blue eyed too…"
"…Fuck."
Dhaos frowned sadly as he watched Reno—resident red haired jackass—piling up the FFVII games into a well sculpted target board for a lovely game of darts. Dhaos had to wonder where Reno got the human skull from, but he was willing to bet that was just the leftovers of Axel. The chime at the entrance dinged, which alarmed everyone, since no one had the balls to walk in EB Games since they'd taken over. However, seeing whom it was he only sighed.
"Good Morning Doctor."
"Yeah, whatever Nancy. Now tell me sweet cheeks," The man started with a healthy dose of sarcasm, "Have ya seen Sheila? Because I do believe he ran off in my wife's high heels, and if she doesn't stop bitching at me about them I will be forced to sacrifice a live chicken to which ever god will strike her down."
"But of course Doctor. Cloud! Get your cross dressing ass in here." Dhaos called, no longer appalled at being addressed by a female name.
Cloud peeked his head out the door of the backroom. "Do I have to?"
"Yes, I'm tired of you and Cless frisking back there."
"They weren't just frisking…" Yazoo shuddered as he crossed the store to try and salvage whatever he could from Reno's display of doom.
"Too much information man, too much…" Dhaos did the icky dance. (You know that dance when you shake your arms, shudder and go, "ew ew ew!".)
"…Damn it…now I have that image in my mind!" Sephiroth joined in the icky dance. "That's like wrong…those two are like clones! That would be like me having sex with Yazoo or something!"
"Dude...you just said 'like' three times…"
"…Just…." Yazoo blacked out before he could even shudder the rest of that protest out. He was quickly carted off to the infirmary room, also known as the company bathroom, by a random member of the Organization (who were out for revenge for Axel's loss).
"I swear I don't have them Dr. Cox!"
"Boy, I don't care if you stole the damn things to play Barbie at home when no one's looking, or if you kept them to play out your sickish fetishes with your gay blonde headed twin over there, just return the damnable creations, before Jordan drives me more crazy, unsociable, and plain out dickish than I already am."
"…I'll get right on that sir!"
"Great, good job Sheila." He mock clapped.
"God, Cloud is so whipped." Sephiroth snorted to Cless. "Are you wearing the pants in that relationship? Because honestly I think Cloud prefers the skirts."
"Actually he likes dresses better." Cless smiled.
"Just…no." Dhaos shuddered.
"Hey guys, check this out." Yazoo suddenly popped out, fully recovered and casually prying a struggling Xemnas off his leg. For whatever reason, that guy had it for Yazoo, and that just plain out creeped him the fuck out! After all, when you're stalker's name anagrams 'mansex', you'd be scared too!
"What have you for us today, young underling?" Sephiroth asked, taking the video game that Yazoo was holding out. "Sonic: Secret Rings?"
"Oh yes! The greatest furry misfortune to ever hit the gaming platform! It's like Epic! This game glitches worse than you inadvertently prove you're gay! I mean this is the Naruto of Sonic games! The Holy Grail of utter gaming catastrophe! The Superman 64 of the Xbox360! The 'Dirge of Cerberus' of Anthromorphic sequels. This game makes me want to go out and play Majora's mask! With out a Game FAQ. Oh no! Even worse…this thing is like the FFVII of RPGs! Or the Ragnarok of MMORPGS. It's the Advent Children storyline of the once Sega licensed games. Actually, I would rather use the disk to cut my wrists than play it! With Loading screens that make Tomb Rider look like a fast action, exciting, 1st person shooter. I mean we're talking some hard-core shittery right here! I was so impressed I went and played it. I then proceeded to repeatedly slam my head against the 360 and then I ran off and watched some anthro porn. It was that monumental! I mean, this is more than just a bad video game, this is phenomenal! It was so phenomenal that I even threw up in a paper bag! Now every time I see a blue hedgehog shaped blur I go into seizures, shit myself, and forget who I am for ten minutes!"
"…Wow…Just …wow." Sephiroth stared at Yazoo, almost fondly.
"Damn…you earned a small praise for that one." Dhaos gleamed.
"Can I get a smiley face T-shirt?"
"No."
"Damn…how about a sticker?"
"No."
"Can I get a chicken then?"
"A chicken?" Dhaos blinked.
"Yeah, a chicken."
"Fine. Just don't let Reno eat it."
"YEEEEESSSSSSSS!" Yazoo screamed, "Kadaj! They're letting me have a CHICKEN!"
"Is this game really that bad?" Reno asked snatching the game. "I mean I've played some bad games before like: Madden NHL for the Sega, Michael Jackson's Moon Walker, Evolution, and Dragon ball Z: Legacy of Goku. Can this really be THAT bad?"
"No smart person would admit to playing Legacy of Goku." Cless snorted.
"What about the Michael Jackson game?! That's worse!" Dhaos added.
"Actually, that's kinda fun…in a creepy child molesting kinda way." Sephiroth nodded obliviously.
"For once I have no comment to the idiocy." Doctor Cox shook his head and whistled loudly, "Sheila, let's go. NOW." Cloud lowered his high and sighed sadly. He proceeded to follow, however, carrying the good Doctor's wife's shoes.
"That was disturbing.." Dhaos finally spoke.
"Like Earthworm Jim disturbing?" Sephiroth asked.
"No, like Pocahontas for the Sega disturbing.."
"Dude, that game is awesome!" Reno beamed stupidly, "You get to walk around as a chick with a killer tan playing with animals and shit."
"Let's forget about the 32 bit graphics." Randal commented casually, hopping over the counter and sitting on it.
"Fuck, man where have you been?" Dhaos glared.
"Oh you know the usual, telling sorry Lord of the Rings fans they can suck a cock and trying to take back Porch Monkey."
"…Dude, we're already trying to avoid the NAACP, don't say shit like porch monkey!"
Randal opened a magazine, "Man, I'm telling you Porch monkey is not racist."
"Nope, nigger is."
"RENO!"
"What?"
"Ol Red has a point you know. I mean, think about it. Porch Monkey could just mean a monkey on a porch! What's so wrong about that?"
"You're a jackass." Dhaos rolled his eyes.
"One of the best, my friend. Besides, deep down inside you know you just want to run around saying porch monkey."
"Stop fucking saying porch monkey!"
"That ain't fucking right!" Barrett growled from the back of the store and stomped out angrily.
"When the fuck'd he get here?" Randal asked looking in the direction of the door.
"Dumb ass!" Dhaos threw a video game case at Randal.
"Not my fault he's an uptight asshole." He paused, "Hey what the fuck is the man-chick doing?"
"Yazoo?"
"Yeah, that one."
"Something about a chicken, I stopped fucking asking questions days ago." Reno snorted and crossed his arms. "Though if this is leading to bestiality, I am SO in."
"That's fucking sick man, I mean what's worse than watching a feminine looking man have sex? It's watching that feminine looking man have sex with an animal. I mean, come on, what kinda blasphemous person takes a poor defenseless animal and rubs it in all the wrong ways? Fucking pervs, that's what!"
"Then I'll pretend I didn't see the flier in your car."
"You were in my car?"
"Dude, your fucking car doesn't even have windows! Where the hell'd you pick up that piece of shit? Holy shit, does it even run? Without being pushed?"
"Hey, hey, hey, it was free! I'll take a windowless car if I don't have to pay for it!"
"I guess insurance is out of the question."
"Like I would pay my shit wages to insure a car that would probably look better in a junk yard."
"Still doesn't explain the flier for 'Interspecies Erotica'."
"…Hey…I….Fuck." Randal pointed, "You my friend are good."
"I'll pretend I didn't just silently listen to all of that." Dhaos yawned and looked over at Sephiroth. "Man, what fucking time is it?"
"I don't know. Heero shot the clock so it eternally stays at eleven fourteen."
"No clocking out then…clever son of a bitch."
A loud crash resounded throughout the store and all of the 'employees' plus Randal looked to the front of the store.
"Fucking hell. It's Elias." Randal groaned.
"Could be worse…It could be Kefka." Sephiroth groaned.
"Didn't we kick him out?" Dhaos asked.
"More or less."
"Don't know why, you guys should have started a 'Washed Up Villains Club', that would have been awesome." Randal eyed Elias like a man who waits to prey on the innocent. Which Randal does, so he's excused. If you got a problem with that, Randal says you can suck his dick. "Let me guess, Transformers?"
"Robots in disguise!"
Dhaos kicked the individual responsible for that outburst. "Cless, shut the fuck up before I beat you into yesterday."
Elias fidgeted, "Oh, no, no Randal, I'm looking for a, a Lord of the Rings game!"
"Shoot me now." Randal mumbled. "We don't have those here."
"But, Randal, it says on the front door, 'we sell LotR games here'."
"Ah, that means: Land of the Racist, where basically you have to take horrible racial slurs and try to make them not racial slurs. Third level is hard as shit though. You've got a lot of angry Mexicans throwing beans at you for calling them wetbacks."
"That's horrible Randal!"
"Ah, blow me." He went back to looking through his magazine, which was really just a Star Wars guidebook.
Cless stepped next to Elias and waved retardedly. Sephiroth, Dhaos and Randal watched as the two silently pulled off some nerdy looking handshake and proceeded to walk over to the 'loser' game section and critique the worst games ever made, anyway.
"That disturbs me."
"You know, our phone has rung at least fourteen times." Sephiroth noted.
"Persistent bastards." Dhaos ripped the phone cord out of the wall.
"You know, we should start answering the phone like it's a phone sex hotline." Yazoo suggested, popping out of nowhere, with a chicken in hand.
"As amusing as that would be, I don't think half of these nerds know what sex is." Sephiroth replied.
"The momma's boy makes a valid point." Dhaos shrugged.
"Damn…" Yazoo said and silently lifted the chicken in the air and walked away.
Dhaos, Sephiroth and Randal silently watch Yazoo walk away with the chicken. All three of them looked at each other and blinked.
"That is the worst Link impression ever." Sephiroth finally said.
"I know right? I mean he didn't say 'excuuuuse me, princess' nor is he wearing tights…what a sorry cosplayer." Dhaos sighed.
"I'm going over to the FYE." Randal informed and was gone before anyone attempted a protest. (Not that there would be a protest, I mean these guys don't work for shit.)
"Where'd Randal go?"
"Don't worry Elias, he'll be back." Cless replied. He's always doing that.
The front door dinged and no one looked up. There were only two possibilities of who that could be. Heero, which was improbable because he was in the Himalayas trying to carve a Gundam base out of rock with his bare hands, and Dr. Cox. Naturally it was Dr. Cox, bringing Cloud back to an appreciative Cless.
"Here, girls, you can have your misfit back."
"Hey Doctor, why do you take him all the time?" Sephiroth questioned leaning against the counter.
"Because he makes a great example of why you shouldn't have unprotected sex, of course. And he's an even better example of why you should succeed the first time you try to kill yourself. Isn't that right Sheila?" Doctor Cox fake petted Cloud's head.
Cloud lowered his head, "Yes, Dr. Cox."
"Man that bitch is so owned." Yazoo nodded, which caused the chicken perched on his head, to squawk.
"I regret giving you permission to have that thing." Dhaos groaned.
"Until next time, girls, keep him." He pushed Cloud toward Cless.
"Have a good day Doctor." Sephiroth added dryly and Dr. Cox left.
"This is why we get no customers…"
"Hey guys…Heero sent us an email!" Reno informed.
"Oh? What's it say?"
"Well it doesn't say much…There's a lot of ones and zeros and…I think that's a nazi symbol?! Anyway, it says 'mission complete' at the bottom and location: Himalayas."
"Holy shit, you mean he can actually carve rock with his bare hands?!" Sephiroth paled.
"That's crazy shit." Yazoo nodded and the chicken squawked again.
"I've had it with that fucking chicken!" Dhaos said and shot a small, but adequately size energy ball at the chicken.
"MY CHICKEN! NOOOOO!"
"Hey, what smells like KFC?" Reno asked sniffing at the air.
"I hate all of you…."
To be Continued…
