A/N Thank-you to the Jart fansite jartfans(dot)tumblr(dot)com for the mention of my fic on their site, and thanks to OliviaEmma for telling me about the mention on there and her constant reviews and helpful chat messages :)
Jasmine's P.O.V
I was dreading this day at school even more than I had the day before. Today, not only would every-one be judging me for being the girl who'd changed her mind about being a boy, but the girl who couldn't decide and was happy to screw around with everyone else's lives while she figured it out. The people who hadn't seen Bart and I's fight had been informed about it from those who had, or had made up their own version of events. Seth had tried to clear it up but as my twin, no-one had really paid much attention.
Determined to be strong and not run away from things any more, I'd stayed for the duration of the school day. It had been a constant nightmare - hardly any-one talked to me and those who did were only there to insult me or dig for gossip. Maddie had made numerous attempts to apologise but I'd ignored her. Maybe she really did wish she hadn't done those things. But she had done them and I wasn't interested in her pathetic excuses. Even those closest to her had hardly said a word to her all day, with the exception of George, but I often wondered if he really had any standards at all. Thinking about it, that was probably a harsh and un-nessicary thought. I'd been snappy with everything and every-one for the last twenty four hours.
I wasn't sure what had upset me most - the fact that I wasn't being allowed to forget about my past as Jason, that every-one in school had seen the argument - I hated my buissiness being spread so publicly - that every-one thought I was even more of a freak than they had done already. Or if it was that Bart hadn't believed me. And that however hard we tried, we could never escape the events of two years ago.
Seth had tried his best to be supportive. He'd stayed with me at break and lunch, let me have control of the remote back at home - which, for him, was quite an honour, and told me over and over that Bart was an idiot. The worst part was that, even after all that had just happened, the thought of some-one insulting Bart still angered me. As much as I wanted to hate him, it was pointless even trying to pretend to. I knew from experience that it wasn't that easy to fall out of love with him.
"You thinking about Bart again?" Seth nudged me, bringing me to my senses. "I don't know why you waste so much time on him".
We were on our way to college. It was a cold, rainy November day and I would much rather have been tucked up in my bed, warm and cosy, but instead I was on my way to another day of inevitable torture. On the bright side, I doubted I'd have to deal with Bart today - he was well-known for his skiving so with the weather like this, the chances of him pulling himself out of the house were unlikely.
"I thought you were supposed to be his mate?"
"Yeah. But you're my sister, and that comes first".
"Thanks Seth", I smiled. "You know, at times you can actually be alright".
"And very occasionally, you can be alright too. If you carry on thinking about that tosser, though, this will no longer be one of them. Come on - the sooner we get there the better, I want to get into the warm".
"Then let's just go back to the pub". I suprised myself there, I hadn't even known I'd been thinking about being at home as anything more than the normal on-the-way-to-college daydream until that point.
"No way", he told me. "The longer you put it off, the worse it's going to be when you finally do go back".
"You go, then", I replied, walking away.
"And where do you think you're going?"
"There's somewhere I need to go, Seth", I yelled after him, continuing to walk away.
"This is ridiculous, Jasmine. You're acting like a stupid little girl".
"I thought that was what you wanted? You never really loved me as Jason, remember?"
"Oh just stop attention seeking Jas".
He sighed and carried on walking. Attention seeking? It was true that I could be guilty of that at times, like when I'd sent a picture of Mitzeee asleep in Riley's bed to her boyfriend at the time, Warren. But I didn't see how this was one of those times. Sinead had been hit by a car, practicly every-one hated Bart and I for it, Maddie had proven that I couldn't really trust any-one, even Bart hadn't believed me and now I was being told to stop attention seeking? Yes, I was annoyed, and yes, so the comment may have been un-called for. But everything was falling apart around me - wasn't I allowed to be a little selfish once in a while? Seth turned back round, shaking his head at me.
"You're seriously not coming?"
"Like I said - there's somewhere I need to go".
"Whatever Jasmine", Seth sighed as we both walked off in opposite directions.
Finn did not look impressed as he answered the door to the O'Connor household.
"What do you want?" He snapped.
"Is Sinead in?"
"Of course she's in. She can't exactly go anywhere".
I'd never seen Finn behave like this before, but he was being protective of his sister and I didn't blame him. I knew what Seth and Riley could get like over me.
"Can I talk to her?"
"And why would she want to talk to you?"
"Finn please".
"Finn just get to school!" I heard Sinead's voice increasing in volume as she got further down the stairs. She stopped walking for a moment when she saw me. "Finn get to school", she repeated.
Rolling his eyes, he left.
"What do you want?" Sinead repeated her brother's question as she walked closer to me, holding on to the door-frame for support. She was wearing loose-fitting pyjamas, her hair was tied back in a bun like she'd always used to have it in year eleven - her face pale and bare of make-up. She looked almost unrecognisable. "Well?" Her attitude towards me had changed greatly in the few days I'd been back from California. I could hardly blame her.
"I just wanted to see how you were".
"Wanted to get rid of some of your guilt more like".
I had to admit she had a point. I was concerned for her, I'd be worried about any-one who'd been hit by a car, but the main reason I'd been so desperate to see her had been to reassure myself that she was okay. That she hadn't been hurt too badly, since it had after all been at least partly my fault. And possibly even to get some reassurence from Sinead herself, for her to tell me the accident hadn't been down to me.
"Look, Sinead - I'm really, really sorry".
"For what? Acting all friendly to me then completly blanking me, leaving me standing there looking on while you and Bart had your massive fucking moment? For stealing my boyfriend - not even waiting for him to break up with me before snogging the face off him? Or for the fact I got hit by a car? What exactly are you sorry for eh? There's quite a choice".
"All of it", I admitted.
"I assume you found out it was Maddie who planted those pills in your bag?"
"You knew about that?"
"Not before she did it. News travels fast, that's all. Especially when you've got a brother that likes to know everything about every-one. I'm not stupid. I know what you're up to. You've come round here to make yourself feel better and make me feel sorry for you so I make sure Maddie doesn't do anything like it again. Well it's not going to work Jasmine, so you can take your pathetic pity party elsewhere", she snapped, slamming the door in my face.
I sighed. That had not gone the way I had hoped, but I couldn't deny there were aspects of truth in what Sinead had said. Now I was stood outside in the chilly weather on my own, not sure where to go. Although I'd stupidly suggested to Seth earlier that we went back to the pub, I knew that in reality there was no way I could go home. Riley would see me come in and march me straight up to the college. That was another place I didn't want to go. I knew for certain that there was only one place I wanted to be right now, one person I wanted to be with. Typically it had to be the person I was most angry with at the moment.
I started walking and didn't stop once until I reached Bart's house, despite many people's attempts to stop me and ask nosy questions. This time, I wasn't nervous about ringing the bell and going in - I didn't even bother to knock. The door was unlocked as always - I walked in, slamming it behind me and storming through to the kitchen where I knew Bart would be. Sure enough there he was, opening a beer can.
"What the-"
I cut him short.
"You told me you want to be with me", I told him, anger evident in my voice. He looked away, not saying anything. "That you love me", I continued. His face turned further towards the floor. "Look at me Bart". I found myself brought back to the first time we'd talked after he'd discovered I wanted to be a boy, I'd come round to his house and he'd refused to look at me as I tried to explain. Look at me Bart. Were we just destined to repeat the same conversations over and over, stuck in an inevitable loop of time that we were unable to get out of, trapped in the past? That was what it had seemed like so far. "Well, relationship's are about trust". I carried on with what I'd been planning to say, trying to push all thoughts of how doomed our relationship had been right from the moment we'd met out of my mind. "And you didn't trust me Bart. I told you those pills weren't mine and you didn't believe me".
"I can't believe I'm hearing this". He finally looked directly at me. "You still can't admit it can you? You reckon relationships are about trust?". He laughed slightly. "You're one to talk. I'm not the one who's hiding behind a mask, lying to their boyfriend the whole time for the second time around". He walked closer to me. "You seem to think it was me that messed you around as Jason, don't you? Do you not have any idea what it was like having to call you that? Having to try and control the way I looked at you, call each other "mate"? But I did it. I carried on being friends with you anyway, even though it was painful. Even though every time we hung out I wanted to scream. I stood by you because I loved you, because I still do - and what do I get for it eh? I get it all thrown back in my face. Time and time again. How can you be so selfish?"
I stood where I was for a moment, not really knowing what to say to respond to that.
"Call Jonno", I replied eventually. "Ask him about the pills. See what he says".
He looked at me for a while before getting out his phone, pressing a few buttons and holding it to his ears.
"Alright?" He instantly adapted a much more confident sounding voice to speak to Jonno, clearly not wanting to him to know about the much more vunerable side to him he'd been displaying just now. The side only I seemed to know. "Yeah... Just trying to get my head around this whole thing with Jas ... You what? ... How do you- ... Okay. Right. Well thanks for letting me know mate". He ended the call, put his phone away and slowly walked into the living room and collapsed down onto one of the sofa's.
"Well?"
"How could she do that?" I noticed he had his hand in a fist shape, placed on his mouth. He only ever did that when he was really stressed. "This is so screwed up". I was still waiting for an apology. As I had the thought, he stood up and walked over to me, looking guilt-ridden.
"I am so, so sorry", he told me, reaching out his hand to my face. I pushed him away.
"Don't. Just... don't". I realised I was almost in tears. Tense was an understatement to describe the atmosphere. "I think ..." I paused, finding it hard to believe what I was about to say. "I think it might have been a mistake getting back together".
"Jas". It was only three letters but from the way he said it and the way he was looking at me, I knew exactly what was meant by them - I've only just got you back. I love you. Please, please don't leave me again.
"I don't want to break up with you", I told him, blinking back tears. "I love you".
"Then don't".
"But I think it might be for the best".
"And why the hell's that?"
"Because of this!" I was practically yelling. "Us! The way we just can't get past this! No matter what we do or how much time goes by everything all just comes down to this doesn't it! What happened two bloody years ago!"
"Don't let her do this", Bart begged me. "Don't let Maddie break us up".
"It's not because of Maddie", I replied honestly. "I wish it was. It's because of how you reacted after, what you said just now. You haven't let it go, have you? Everything that happened between us. And neither have I".
He sighed and walked over to the staircase, where he sat down.
"We need to talk". His voice was firm for the first time in this conversation. I was glad he could be so assertive. Both of us falling to pieces wouldn't help matters. And that was what I was on the verge of doing.
"What about?"
"Everything". He looked directly at me. "Everything", he repeated. "Starting in August 2010. When we first met".
I nodded and sat down beside him, impressed that I wasn't the only one who remembered the month we met.
"Alright?" He asked me.
"What?"
"First thing you said to me", he replied. "Then you asked if Carmel was my mum, and started moaning about yours". He put his hand on my arm. "I'm sorry", he told me. "I didn't think". I knew what he was refering to - my Mum's death.
"It's okay". I took a while before continuing. "I'm just ... I can't believe you remember that".
"I remember most things about that day Jas".
"But your memory's crap".
He laughed, a geniune smile on his face for the first time since I'd arrived.
"Yeah well some things are worth the effort", he replied. "Some people anyway".
"Go on then", I urged, eager to know how true his earlier statement had been. "What else happened that day?"
"Well, we messed around with the stuff in the salon - Evissa - while Carmel was doing some kind of fancy treatment on your mum. You waxed my legs for a laugh - hurt like hell, that - and told me it would never grow back".
"You believed it", I smiled, remembering.
"And then I said it was your turn, joked that you needed to get your kit off".
"Yeah".
"You weren't laughing at that".
"No. Hey - I wasn't snappy though. I probably just rolled my eyes".
"And said as if". He nodded.
"Wow, you really do remember a lot about that day don't you?"
"I didn't catch on at first, that there was anything weird about it. It makes sense now - it wasn't that you didn't want to strip off in front of a lad you'd just met - it was that you wanted to be one". He'd removed his hand from my arm now and there was a hint of anger in his voice. "Then I asked you out the next day".
"I wasn't allowed to go", I added, remembering. "I dressed up nice and girly thinking it would help me wrap Dad around my little finger. But it didn't work - he still wouldn't let me go".
"You dressed up? I never saw it".
"Well you wouldn't have, would you? I wasn't allowed to go".
"What were you wearing?" He looked thoughtful, his eyes glazing over slightly. "I never saw you dressed up. Not back then".
"A dress", I told him, remembering it clearly, "a short demin jacket, and some make-up. Some heels, too". I paused, remembering how I'd felt looking in the mirror. "I felt disgusting".
"You dressed up like that, even though you felt like a ..." He trailed off, not wanting to say it. "You did that for me?"
"I would have done anything for you. I still would".
"Not anything".
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Well you didn't care about me enough to stay did you? You left me Jasmine. You went and bloody left me".
"I'm sorry about America".
"I'm not talking about America".
"Oh". I paused, hoping he'd just continue talking - I hadn't got a clue how to respond to what he'd just said. "I needed to", I told him eventually, once it had become clear he wasn't going to carry on with what he'd been saying until he got a reply. "I'm sorry, Bart. But I had to".
"For one moment", he'd been looking down at the stairs since sitting down but now turned his head to face me, looking straight into my eyes, his own watering up, the heartbreak obviously still fresh in his memory. "Just for one split second, did you ever consider staying as Jasmine? Not buggering off and leaving me?"
I nodded. "The night you before you got stabbed. After we tried to - you know - the first time, after running out - I went to Anita's. She told me I had to decide who I wanted to be. I went home, did my make-up and went to the shack, to get my head around what I was about to do. Let go of Jason completly. Then Fern called, talking about you. She was with Mark, my mate as Jason. I wiped off the make-up, got back into Jason's clothes and went to meet her".
"You hit her", Bart smirked slightly.
"You almost hit me", I replied. "To be fair you did think I was just some asshole who thought it was okay to go around hitting girls".
"Yeah", he agreed, smiling. "I'm sorry about that". He paused before continuing. "So you were going to just stay as Jasmine?"
"Well, I was going to try anyway".
He nodded. I couldn't quite make out his emotion. "I think we can skip the next bit".
"What, the stabbing?" I felt my mood drop even lower at the memory of Bart lying in agony on the ground, his eyes rolling over and closing as he drifted into unconsiousness.
"Yeah", he replied. "And everything after that, until around Christmas".
"When I told my family I wanted to be Jason. They forced me to keep dressing as Jasmine until my Grandad left". I cringed slightly at how we'd all loved him before carrying on. "And you got me into the boyband, told me you loved me, and that we'd run away together".
"Yeah". He said the word slowly.
"But of course that was another lie in the long string of broken promises you gave me, wasn't it?"
"When I told you I loved you", he said sincerly, "I meant it".
I couldn't take this anymore. I'd thought talking it all through would make everything okay, but it hadn't. All it had done was dig up the feelings of sadness and heartbreak we'd both experienced during the times we'd been talking about. I didn't want to forget about what had happened - it had been time spent with Bart and that meant I never wanted to forget it - but I'd made my decision at the zoo on Sunday to give us a second chance. To concentrate on our future rather than our past.
"Bart, do we have to do this?" I asked him. "Drag up the past". I sighed. "I left, and I'm sorry - and I know everything from New Year's onwards was so screwed up - but I'm back now. I know what I want".
"To be a girl?"
"Well, yes, but you know what I'm talking about. Who I'm talking about".
I moved in closer to him and rested my head on his sholder. He put an arm around me, pulling me closer as I snuggled into him.
"I love you", he told me, kissing the top of my head gently. "And I am so, so sorry I didn't believe you straight away".
"I love you too", I replied. "We'll get through this, won't we?"
"Come on Jas - we're Bart and Jasmine. Jasmine and Bart. We can get through anything. Everything we just talked about proves that".
I smiled, looking up at him.
"I don't want to lose you again", I told him. "Not ever".
"Well you don't have to worry about that", he laughed. "You're not getting rid of me that easily".
"Michaela Mcqueen you will do as you're told!" The brisk voice of Myra McQueen at the other side of the front door was un-mistakable. Bart and I glanced at each other, laughing.
"I mean it, Michaela", she continued. "If you don't start helping around the house once in a while - " Her sentance was cut short as she entered the living room and turned to see Bart and I sat on the stairs. "And what the bloody hell are you doing out of college?"
"Ah give him a break Mum - me and Sonny used to skive all the time".
"You what?"
"Nothing".
"So it is true, then", Myra grinned, walking closer to me. "I always knew you couldn't be serious about being a trendygander".
"For God's sake Auntie Myra!" Bart snapped. "Leave her alone. And how many bloody times it's transgender!"
Myra sighed. "Well if you two aren't planning on going to class today you can do some work around here instead".
"Aw do we have to? Look", Bart reasoned, "we'll just go up to my room - you won't even know we're here".
"You will not", Myra scolded. "I don't want any funny buisiness while I'm still in the house Bartholomew McQueen".
"Yeah because we've never had to witness you and Durk Savage about to get it on have we?" Michaela scoffed, turning to me. "It's gross. You seriously never want to be around to see it".
I laughed a little as Bart and I stood up, Myra beckoning us through to the kitchen.
"No, Bart", she told him. "I want to have a little word with Jasmine if that's okay".
Bart looked at me, asking me with his eyes if I was okay with it. I nodded, he gave my hand a small squeeze and walked back through to the lounge. In reality I was anything but okay - I was nervous as hell about Myra had to say - I knew she wasn't often keen about her family's love interests. I hoped she wasn't about to warn me off him - although it would make no difference to how Bart and I felt about each other, it was difficult enough with my family not particularly liking him. We didn't need it on both sides.
"I just wanted to say thank-you, Jasmine", she told me, smiling. "Bart never was the same after you left. Well - not left - you know what I mean". I nodded. This was a new, more serious side to Myra McQueen that I didn't think I'd ever seen before. "I hope you'll be very happy together. And just know that you're welcome any time. I always liked you far more than that Sinead anyway. Or Maddie. That girl's in need of cosmetic surgery, her head's so far up her-"
Having heard the entire conversation - Myra had been speaking a lot louder than she'd probably realised, Bart walked over and interrupted at that point. Sliding his arm around my waist, he turned to his aunt.
"We'll see you later auntie Myra", he told her. "Right now we're going upstairs".
Walking home, I practicly felt like skipping with happiness. Bart and I were better than ever. His family had been completly accepting. I wasn't even dreading college tomorrow. Yes, we'd been through hell. But finally, we'd gotten all we'd ever wanted. There was no way we were going to ruin that by letting ourselves be dragged down by sadness. We'd had such a great day - we hadn't done much at all, just hung out in his room watching movies, playing on his Xbox, laughing, chatting, a bit of kissing. It hadn't exactly been what most girls would describe as their dream date. But that was what made it seem so perfect to me. The fact that we could just do literally nothing and enjoy ourselves more than most couples would have at some fancy candelight dinner in a posh resteraunt. We were friends aswell, and no matter how hard going back to college would be, I knew that with him by my side, I could get through it.
Making my way up the stairs behind the bar, I couldn't wait to spill all to Mitzeee. Seth and Riley weren't exactly Bart's biggest fans, and didn't care about girly gushing even if they did like him. Mitzeee, however, was about as glam and girly as you could get and also incredibly nosy, which made her the perfect person to go to about anything Bart related.
As soon as I opened the front door I could tell something wasn't right. Mitzee, Seth and Riley were sat on the sofa in a frosty silence as I walked in, and it took a while for any-one to speak up.
"Come over here Jas, sweetheart", Mitzee said, attempting a smile, as she ushered me over.
"What's going on? Is this about me skipping college today? Because I'm sorry and it won't happen again but it really is only one day". I knew in my heart that the reason for their behaviour had nothing to do with me bunking off but something far worse, however I was desperate for them to agree with me - for Riley to stand up and yell about the importance of education. He didn't. They just stayed sat there, looking straight ahead as if in a daze.
