"God, I love you so much." Dean chuckled as he wiped whipped cream off of James' nose.
It had been almost a year since Dean and James had taken off to the big apple. When he'd turned eighteen, James had said that he needed a change after two years of being a boy-band. Claimed that going to New York was an adventure of self discovery, Dean was just along for the ride.
James had met Dean the year before. On December 13, 2010, Dean had made the first move.
"James?"
"Yeah, man?" He looked over and saw the preoccupied expression on his face. "What's going on?"
"What do you like in a girl?" The question threw James for a loop, but he answered it anyway.
"Umm. She has to be funny, cute, nice, easy to hang with, doesn't take herself too seriously. It would be nice to meet a girl that actually likes me for me. Why?"
"What if you found all of that in a guy? Would you date him?" James looked over at Dean again, wondering if he were completely serious.
"He would have to be a pretty amazing guy for me to go gay for him-" James' thoughts were cut off when Dean kissed him. The kiss was intense for it being their first. James brain felt like it was slowly melting out of his ears, and his heart was racing at speed the energizer bunny would envy. Every breath taken in through his nose was caught in his throat. When Dean finally pulled away, James was lost.
"So?" Dean searched for some kind of answer in James' blank stare, but he wasn't giving him much. "That bad, huh?" Dean shoved his hands into his pockets and kicked the rock next to the bench, wishing he could disappear.
"N-no. I-um-was just caught off guard." The two sat in silence for a while, James looking toward the sky as Dean surveyed the ground. "It wasn't-um-" James stopped, trying to process what he was about to say.
"Wasn't what?" Dean leaned in a little closer, wanting to catch every word of James' reaction.
"-what I expected." James slowly looked down, turning his head when he caught Dean's eye, attempting to hide his reddening cheeks. "I thought kissing a dude would be like, I don't know, hard." His head shot up when Dean chuckled.
"Not funny, man!" He shoved him and laughed. "I meant that it wasn't aggressive or- abrasive! That's that word."
"It's a nice word."
"Got it from Logan."
"Speaking of, if you were wondering what it was like to kiss a guy, why didn't you just ask one of them? One of them's bound to be gay." James shook his head.
"There's no way any of them are gay. I mean, everyone expected it from me, the cosmetics heir. The other guys? Kendall's dad was a drunk bar fighter, Logan's dad's some biochemist, and Carlos' dad is a cop. All super straight men that raised super straight boys."
"You know that there are gay men serving in the military, right? There are plenty of gay scientists and my dad's favorite cop was gay." James gave him a funny look and Dean sighed. "My dad used to speed on this one street to drop me off at school and Officer Del Rio would always let it slide." He laughed and looked back over to James.
"I could probably talk Carlos into it, Logan would probably end up lecturing about how it's common for teenagers to question their sexuality and I might not be gay at all and Kendall? He'd probably punch me in the face."
"Well we can't have anyone wrecking that face now, can we?" They laughed and Dean reached up a hand to hold the side of James' face, shaky at first but he slowly gained the courage the stroke his cheek with the pad of his thumb before pulling him in for another kiss. James, content with his position, finally relaxed into the kiss. It went on for what seemed like decades until James' phone rang.
Uh-uh-oh-oh-oooooohhhhhh-
James scrambled around in his pocket for the device, sighing when he found it in his jacket.
Mom says if u dnt get ur ass home now, ur dead.
Gustavo wld kill u if u got urslf killed.
Gt home, stupid!
-k man
James groaned and looked around. When had it gotten so dark out?
"I've gotta get back."
"I know." Dean smiled and held out his hand. "I'll walk you back."
"Really?" James stared at his hand as if it were on fire.
"Well, duh. We're going to the same place, dumbass." Dean waited, hand extended, while James sat and stared. "I don't bite, James."
James took his hand and walked with him. "So, what are we doing?"
"I don't know. Hanging out. Kissing. Whatever feels right for you, I'm cool with it." James bit his lip and continued the walk in silence. When they reached the Palmwoods' elevators, Dean pressed James' floor button and waved. Before the doors could close, he stopped them.
"I almost forgot." He took James' face in his hands and gave him a soft peck on the lips. "Just in case you decide you never want to see me again." James smiled.
"I wouldn't do that."
"Good. Night, James." James waved and waited for the doors to close before bringing a hand up to his lips.
"Wow."
"What do you mean, moving out? You can't leave us! What about the band?" Carlos' puppy face was in full effect, trying his hardest to change James' mind.
"The band will be just fine without me. Remember that show you did when I had laryngitis? They loved you guys."
"What happened to us being brothers? Start this together, end it together!" Kendall gripped at James' shoulders. "Huh? Where'd that rule go?"
"Eventually all brothers separate. It doesn't mean I'll never see you guys again." James set his bags down by the door.
"Mom, stop him or something!" Mrs. Knight shook her head and held up her hands. James was officially an adult, and with the permission of his mother he was off to live in New York. Kendall dragged Logan into his mother's room, hoping the smart boy would come up with something to make their friend stay.
"James, what about us man? We're best friends! Kendall and Logan always pair up in class, what am I gonna do now?" Carlos whispered. His eyes were watering as his voice quivered. "I love you, man. You can't just leave."
"I have to Carlos."
"Why?"
"I just do."
"Are you gonna come back?" James shrugged. "Are you even gonna miss me?" James pulled the smaller boy into a hug, rubbing his back as he now sobbed into his shoulder.
"Of course I'll miss you. I'll call you every day, okay?" Carlos nodded and wiped his sleeve across his eyes. Of course James would miss Carlos. He's miss him the most.
"Carlos, sixteen corndogs is a lot." James spoke into the mouthpiece, barely hearing Dean tiptoe into the room. "There's no way you can eat that many with out puking your guts ou-Ooh!" Dean mouthed at James' neck, nibbling and sucking in random spots.
"Hang up." He whispered before pulling James earlobe between his teeth. James shuddered.
"I can't. It's Carlos." He lifted the phone back up to his ear, glad that Carlos hadn't stopped rambling yet. "Carlos, bud, I've got to go."
"Okay. Well, goodnight I guess. I'll text you goodnight again in 3 hours, when I go to bed. Bye, James!"
"Bye, 'Los." He hung up the phone and turned to kiss Dean, hard on the lips. "Mmm. How was work." Dean sighed dramatically.
"You know it's hard being pretty." He kissed James and pushed him until his knees hit the edge of the bed, forcing him onto it. "I've been thinking."
"That's never good." He slapped James' stomach before giving him a look. "Oh, okay. It's serious, I get it. Go on."
"Gay marriage is legal here." James' eyes widened. "Before you shoot down the idea, just think about it! I mean, I love this. I love us together and I love the idea of being like this forever, I love you, James."
"Dean, I-"
"Just imagine us married. We be the perfect married couple. We could get a dog and then later we can adopt kids and we'll be like the most perfect little family ever. Wouldn't that be great?"
"It seems a little soon, don't you think?"
"I love you and you love me. It's never too soon when you share a love like we do. Why waste it?" James smiled. Dean was right. Sure it might be reckless, but they loved each other so why not?
"Okay."
"Well, don't turn it down. Just think about it-Did you say yes?"
"Of course I said yes." He leaned up to kiss his future husband. "I love you, Dean."
James sat in the corner and watched as each member of Dean's family said their goodbyes to him. Every time James' eye caught a glimpse of Dean's face, his eyes filled with tears. That wasn't his Dean. The pale cheeks, blueish skin, vacant expression and limp body in a suit wasn't his fiance.
Just as attendance in the room became sparse, James made his way up to the casket. He took out Dean's copy of their anniversary photo and placed it between his closed hands. Before he could move away, a hand came up to rest on his shoulder.
"James, right?" James nodded. "Dean Sr." James shook his outstretched hand and gave a sullen smile. "He talked about you all the time. He was really excited for us to meet, I'm just sad that he didn't get to see it."
James took a seat in the nearest chair and Dean's father followed. They both sat in silence for a while before James finally spoke up.
"So, I guess you're going to take his stuff home."
"Probably sometime before we leave, yeah." James nodded slowly.
"Having his stuff in the apartment was the only thing that made this seem less real." James let a few tears slip, but that was all. He wiped his face and got up to leave. "It was nice to meet you, sir." James added as he stumbled out of the room.
On his way home, he stopped at the diner down the street from their loft. He ordered their usual, not realizing that it would be too much food for one person. As he ate his food, the full plate across from him started him in the face. That was the moment that he realized that he'd probably be alone for the rest of his life. He would've cried, but there was no point.
On his way home he walked slow, hoping that if he stayed out late enough all the horror stories about New York would come true. Kicking his shoes off at the front door, he looked around. Everything was exactly the way he'd left it. Like time was frozen. Like he was just waiting for Dean to come home from staying late at a long shoot. Like if he just went to bed, Dean would slip in after a few hours, finally getting home after going out for drinks with clients. It was surreal and it made James sick. He ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before losing his dinner. He pulled himself up and looked in the mirror, not believing that the person in there could actually be him. He was a mess. Hair mussed, dark circles encompassing his eyes.
He tried to stand without the support of the sink and fell, knocking the contents of the countertop to the floor. He fell to the floor and leaned against the bathtub. Sprawled out on the floor was a bottle of Aspirin, a broken razor and Draino. James couldn't help but think that fate was giving him a variety of escape plans. He picked up the razor and stared at it for a while before dragging it across his forearm. He screamed, not knowing whether it was from the pain in his arm or the pain of losing Dean.
He finally stood and shuffled to their bed, dropping into it on Dean's side. Watching as the blood dripped from his arm onto the floor, he cried. Sobs rocked through him as he leaned farther into Dean's pillow. He was gone, really gone. The love of his life taken away from him by a drunk driver. Gone forever.
"James?" James shook the thoughts out of his head. "You okay? You kinda blacked out on me." He rubbed at the scars on his arm before cupping Carlos' face in his hands.
"Of course I'm fine. Just tired." He kissed his nose, then his lips and turned on his side. "Goodnight."
"Okay, goodnight. I love you, Jamie." James hoped that it would be believable for him to fall asleep that fast. He didn't know how to respond without breaking his heart. He didn't love Carlos. Not yet, at least. Part of James doubted that he could ever love again, at all. He heard Carlos sigh and felt him turn over.
"I'm sorry." He whispered into the depths of the bedroom, hoping Carlos would never say those three words again.
Whoo! There you have it. I worked really hard on this chapter, hence it is the size of two chapters put together. I hope you enjoy it. Review! :)-
