Denial and Admission
Everything You Want – Vertical Horizon
Throughout the next few weeks James and Lily continued their flirting escapades, much to the amusement of their now mutual group of friends. Lily tried to convince herself that James initiated most of it, but Julia never hesitated to inform her when it was her who sought him out.
"You fancy him," she whispered as they followed behind James and Sirius on their walk to charms. "You can't keep your eyes off him; you like him, admit it."
"I do not… he's fun," Lily insisted. "He's fun to flirt with… that's all."
"Oh, yes… of course he's fun to flirt with. He's also fun to hug, and his hair is fun to play with… oh, and let's not forget that it's fun to let him tickle you as well," Julia replied sarcastically.
"Tell me something… is snogging Sirius in the any empty class room you can find every morning fun? Because you seem to be doing it an awful lot of it lately," Lily replied, peering at Julia out of the corner of her eye.
"I am not snogging him in every empty class room," Julia laughed.
"You're not? Then where are you every morning?"
"We're in the empty room on the first floor, behind that cursing suit of armor," said Julia matter-of-factly. Lily erupted with laughter, but Julia slapped her on the arm when James and Sirius turned over their shoulders to see what they were talking about.
Quidditch fever finally came to their house during the last week of November; Gryffindor versus Slytherin. The rivalry between the houses always caused a great deal of animosity between the students, but this year it was heightened due to the popularity of all the members of the Gryffindor team.
James took his role as captain much more seriously than he did other things. He'd been very particular about forming his team, and after rigorous try-outs had ended up with an impressive crew. He resumed his role as Chaser, along with fifth-year Betsy Hawk and seventh-year Dalton Andrews. Fifth-year Brenton Clarke and third year Kingsley Shacklebolt served as Beaters, seventh-year Heath Finchley as Keeper, and seventh year Evenlyn Fosters resumed her post as Seeker. The night before the match, they'd had a rowdy pre-game party in the common room where everyone wished the team good luck before they headed off to bed.
The following morning, James got up early to make sure his team ate a good breakfast. He was just about to head out the portrait hole when he heard footsteps rushing down the stairs from the girls' dormitory.
"Good Luck, Potter," Lily called, randomly appearing at the bottom of the stairs and catching him just as he was heading out the portrait hole.
"Hey, Lily," James greeted, smirking at her appearance; she seemed to have just thrown on slippers and her dressing gown over her pyjamas and raced down the stairs. Her auburn hair was a tousled mess as she grinned at him. "You're up early."
"Not really, just wanted to make sure I caught you," she explained, stepping closer to him and smiling broadly. "Looks like you need new robes," she observed, nodding to the legs of his trousers which were sitting about two inches above his trainers.
"Yeah," he said glumly. "I just bought these this past summer. My mum says my growth spurt hasn't finished yet; apparently she's right."
"Yes, she is," Lily chuckled. "Well, good luck today. Not that you need it, but good luck," she grinned. Lily's hand reached out of its own accord, but she paused and pulled it back just as she was about to pat James on the shoulder.
James caught her hand in his and squeezed it gently, giving her a lopsided grin before lacing his fingers through hers. "Thanks, I'll see you later," he grinned before turning and heading out to the Great Hall, his spirits high as he strutted past the cheering students at the Gryffindor table.
Lily dressed and headed down to breakfast before going out to the pitch. After numerous conversations with herself, she decided that perhaps a date with James was in order, and she would ask him to accompany her to Slughorn's Christmas Party the last week before Christmas break. The party was the scheduled the day before the train would depart, and depending on how it went, Lily knew she would have two weeks to think over the evening before she had to interact with James again.
During the game, Lily found herself watching James very closely to truly examine his capabilities. Yes, he had insisted he was a good flyer, and he had been able to teach her a few things to make her more confident on a broom, but she wanted to watch closely to see if he deserved the reputation everyone had given him.
She hadn't ever paid him any attention before during Quidditch; she'd never had any desire to. But as she watched him, it wasn't long before she realised he was good. The reputation he had for being the best flyer on the Gryffindor team was definitely deserved. It was obvious to her at once why he was chosen as captain; his coaching skills were evident each time the team met up and came out of a huddle with a new plan of attack. He flew in perfect harmony with the other chasers, seamlessly moving through the Slytherin defense without even a second thought. James' hands seemed to have glue attached to them; he didn't drop the quaffle once. Lily was immeasurably impressed by a particular save that he made after the quaffle had been knocked out of his hands. He stood up on his broom and snatched it back before Avery even had time to blink. The crowd gasped as he balanced precariously for a moment, then resumed his position and flew off in a flash of red. In addition, he made it to the other end of the field and managed to score a goal after that, though Lily noted he looked a little flustered when he paused midair, ruffling his hair vigorously.
After the match, she built up her courage through internal monologue and tried to dispel the meaning behind what she was trying to do. He's your friend, and it'll be fun to go with him to the party. He's just a friend. You can go to a party with a friend and not have it mean you fancy them, right? If he says no… that's okay, I'll just go with someone else. It'll be fine.
Lily shook her head and squared her shoulders as she drew closer to the lockers. She had just rounded the corner but paused abruptly; the scene she was witnessing seemed to suck the breath straight out of her lungs.
Though the weather was icy cold, James had removed his shirt and his half naked torso was gleaming with sweat in the sun. His Quidditch trousers were hanging low on his waist, revealing the muscles of his stomach and hips. He was slender but well defined; his arms were long and sinewy, and she suddenly remembered them wrapped around her only a few weeks ago during their flying lesson. The muscles of his chest were much more distinct than she had ever expected, and his shoulders were strong and broad. James was leaning against his broomstick, a curious and amused expression on his face as he stared at the one thing that made the image unbearably imperfect.
Felicity Flutterhorn; her long blonde hair pulled up in a high ponytail, reminding Lily of the muggle cheerleaders she had idolized in her youth. Her eyes were dancing with laughter, and the blue and silver sweater tied around her waist made her look curvy and alluring.
"…Slughorn's party on the nineteenth. The club is sort of a silly thing, but it's usually a good time and we're allowed to bring guests," she was saying.
"So I've heard," replied James lightly. He shuffled through his bag for his jumper and scarf, pulling them on over his head while listening to her talk.
"None of you are in Slughorn's little club, I've noticed. Would you like to come with me? You can give a report back to the rest of your little gang," she said with a wink.
James smiled and chuckled lightly, but didn't respond right away. Lily did not stay to hear his answer to Felicity's proposal. She backed away quickly, trying to be careful not to make crunching noises in the snow as she passed. Her heart sank; James had told her numerous times that he didn't think anything of Felicity. She was flighty, and she wasn't really interested in him were his exact words. But here he was, possibly considering attending that damn party with her. Lily also thought back to last year, when the rumor that circulated the halls was that James and Felicity had been caught in a rather compromising position during a visit to Hogsmeade. They had to serve detentions, though no one knew the extent of what happened as both of them fueled the rumors rather than telling the truth.
You should have asked him sooner, a voice in her head told her. You should go back now and do it.
"No… no, I can't," she said out loud to no one in particular. If I do that, especially if I hang around and wait to hear what he says, all I will hear is I told you so from everyone… and it's just because he's my friend that I don't want him to go with her, because she doesn't actually like him. Or maybe she does? But still… it's just because he's my friend, it's not because I fancy him that I wanted to go with him. I just wanted to go with a friend.
"Why am I doing this?" she shouted at herself as she walked.
"Evans… first sign of madness is talking to yourself," laughed Sirius' low voice from behind her.
"Well, then, perhaps madness would suit me," she muttered quietly, hurrying away from him and down the corridor out of sight.
As the days passed, James found himself saddened by Lily's abrupt departure from their usual flirting. He double checked his actions; nothing he had done seemed to upset her, he had been abnormally well behaved considering the hexes he had endured after the Quidditch match. But for some reason, she had gone back to ignoring him and only responding to direct questions.
The train was set to leave for King's Cross on Sunday for the break. All the sixth year students were all looking forward to winter break, and a few students were looking forward to the party that was held for Slughorn's elites. This year, Slughorn had decided since there wasn't much of a to-do around Halloween, they should have a costume party. This excited everyone except Lily. She found herself dreading the evening, almost as much as she dreaded the everyday reminders that she was going alone to the party.
"And Miss Evans is coming, of course. What's your costume, my dear?" Slughorn asked as he reviewed her Draught of Living Death.
"Erm… I haven't thought of one yet," Lily replied, trying to ignore James' sudden glance in her direction. She'd been doing her best to ignore him, but at the same time try not to appear rude; it was a tough balancing act.
"Well, you'd best get cracking, I can't wait to see what you come up with," he said. "This is brilliant, as usual; you've gotten all O's this week, an absolute natural you are. Perhaps you ought to go as a Slytherin student to the party," he teased.
"Oh no, a Troll costume would suit me better than those robes," Lily replied back. Slughorn chuckled and walked away.
At that moment James slid his chair closer to her and began to chop of some of her remaining ingredients.
"You might go as Slughorn's fiancé… I'm expecting him to pop the question any moment," he teased.
"Ha ha…"
"You are going to the party, right?" asked James.
Lily sighed, debating on how to answer his question without acknowledging how much she missed talking and flirting with him. "I… er… I dunno… I was thinking about skipping it," Lily muttered.
"What? Why?"
"Well, what does it matter? You're going with Felicity aren't you?" Lily asked in what she hoped was a casual tone.
"Er… she asked me," he muttered. But I was kind of hoping for you to ask me instead, he thought to himself.
"You'll be giving her most of your attention, you probably won't even notice me," replied Lily.
James frowned and stood up to fetch a few more ingredients. Julia glanced from him to Lily and chuckled lightly.
"What?" Lily asked.
"Someone is jealous," Julia sang in a quiet voice.
Lily scoffed. "I am not."
"Then why do you look so sad?"
Lily rearranged her features. "I'm not sad."
Julia laughed and leaned closer to Lily to prevent the others at the table from hearing. "You'd better go to that party; he only said she asked him, he didn't say he agreed… and if he did, he's only going with her because you didn't ask him. And you know her, she'll probably ditch him halfway through, so you'd better be there to pick up the pieces."
Lily shook her head. "No… I'll go to the party, but I won't be picking up the pieces of anything."
Lily remained in a sober mood all throughout the week , causing concern among her friends and admirers that she tried to ignore.
"Hey, Lils," said Max one day before their final for Defense Against the Dark Arts class of the term, "You've been hushed this week. All right?" he asked kindly.
"Yes, I'm fine… Prefect duty and all the course work has just been stressing me out," she replied with a small smile. Max seemed to accept this as the truth, but James continued to eye her curiously, and Julia actually scoffed at her response.
Their non-verbal spell casting abilities were always tested thoroughly in McMyer's lessons; the jinxes tended to be easier than protective spells, since no one wanted to voluntarily subject themselves to the three hexes listed on the board if their shield didn't appear.
"The disarmament, jelly-legs, and tickling jinxes are the only ones you should be using," Professor McMyers explained. "You all know the shield charm and can perform it verbally, but let's continue working on the non-verbal casting today. Split up into groups, pairs of two… come on, now," he said as he waved his wand and caused the desks to vanish.
The students lined up in pairs as instructed. By now, the students had gotten over the initial competition for marks, so everyone typically got on fairly well, and there were plenty of people for each person to have a partner. Lily paired up with Julia next to Mary and Samantha; on their other side stood Adrian and Max next to James and Peter, followed by Sirius and Remus.
"It's essential to properly defend yourself in this manner. You won't last a second in battle unless your nonverbal skills are up to par," continued Professor McMyers. "It retains the element of surprise and allows you to throw your opponent off guard. Go ahead, try again… only the jinxes listed on the board, please!" he shouted when he heard Avery shout "Stupefy" at Mulciber, who had ducked to the ground to avoid the spell and stood looking furious.
Lily assumed her defensive stance and stared at Julia standing across from her. Julia attempted to fire jinx after jinx, but nothing came. Lily's muscles began to ache from tensing and un-tensing herself constantly in preparation.
"Hey, Lily," Max called after blocking a weak tickling jinx from Adrian. Lily looked up, noting that he had merely muttered the charm under his breath rather than accomplishing his shield non-verbally. "Are you coming to Slughorn's party tomorrow?"
"Er…" Lily said, flinching as Julia waved her wand wildly and screeched when nothing happened. "I wasn't sure yet."
"Oh, come on. Look, come with me, it'll be a good time, and it'll cheer you up," he said, giving her a broad smile.
"Yeah, sure… that sounds great," Lily muttered, distracted again by Julia's wand waving. Out of the corner of her eye she saw James frown before glaring over at Max; she felt a small hint of pleasure, knowing that her agreeing to go with Max had made him jealous, but it quickly faded as she realized what she had agreed to.
"Excellent, I'll meet you in front of his office at six," Max replied, giving her a wink and nodding at Adrian.
"All right," Lily replied. She sighed as James continued to glare at Max before looking back to her with a curious expression. She wondered why she was saying "yes" to Max when she really didn't want to. Suddenly there was a blue flash of light in her direction; Lily raised her arm and unthinkingly shouted "Protego!" out loud.
"Non-verbal, Lils," James teased from the other side of Adrian.
Lily scowled and nodded her head. McMyers ordered a change of partners, and James immediately stepped into Julia's spot when she moved. Lily raised her eyes and watched James shed himself of his cloak. His white undershirt was un-tucked and his tie loose around his neck; Lily wondered how he could look so sloppy and so seductive at the same time.
"So, what gives?" James asked in an offhand voice. "You told me you weren't going to Slughorn's party, but now Linghold asks and you suddenly change your mind?"
"You're going with Felicity, what does it matter who I go with?" asked Lily, raising her wand.
James shrugged. "I said she asked me, I never said I agreed to go with her. But, if I did… you should know why," he stated.
"Well, I don't know why you'd go with her, actually," Lily replied coolly.
"You should. You and I both know she's just going to ditch me for someone else once we're there," James muttered, shaking his head and laughing. "She only asked me because she didn't want people to think she couldn't get a date. And I'm only going to-
"She asked you because she fancies you," interrupted Lily.
"She fancies what she wants me to be, who she thinks I am; she doesn't like me at all."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"You should know… it's the same for Linghold; he fancies who he thinks you are, what he wants you to be. He doesn't know anything about you," James said poignantly.
Lily frowned, realizing that Max really didn't know as much about her as James did; he probably didn't even know what color her eyes were. "So… if you know that she doesn't really like you, why are you going with her?"
"You already know the answer to that," James smirked, giving her the lopsided smile that she had become rather fond of. "Ready?"
Lily nodded her head and resumed a defensive stance.
James' eyes focused on hers, hazel and mischievous, but full of a longing that made Lily's stomach turn in circles. Her head suddenly felt full of commotion. What the hell does that mean? Why is he going with her if he thinks she's just using him? Is it just because she's pretty? Because she looks nice on his arm? If he knows she's just going to use him as a status symbol, what's the deal? I thought he was getting over this, I thought he was becoming more mature. This is stupid; I shouldn't let myself get so up in knots about him… It's not like I-
But her thoughts were interrupted when she saw James wave his wand quickly. Before Lily could react, her wand flew out of her hand and into air; James stepped under it and caught it without even a second glance.
"Sorry, Lily," he apologized with a smirk, handing her wand back to her and letting his hand linger in hers for just a second. "You looked distracted… do you want-"
"Try it again," she demanded roughly. James gave her an appraising look and stepped back to the other side of the room. Their eyes met, and this time Lily refused to let her thoughts and emotions overtake her concentration. James flicked his wand.
Lily flourished hers at the same time; her shield charm echoed through the room with a loud pop, and erupted with so much force that she and James were pushed backward. The disarming spell he had fired at her was rebounded directly back at him; his wand flew out of his hand, and Lily reached forward and caught it quickly.
"Well done, Miss Evans!" McMyers roared from across the room, as James quirked an eyebrow at her in amusement. "Ten points to Gryffindor. Here, Potter, why don't you switch partners with Lockwood," McMyers said, waving James over to where Connie Lockwood was standing, replacing him with Felicity who eyed Lily with interest. "Miss Flutterhorn, you can do this, but you need assurance that the jinx is coming; Miss Evans can guarantee that," McMyers said as he wandered off.
James crossed over to Lily, grinning as she handed him his wand. "Show off," he teased.
"I learned from the best," she replied, attempting to hide the smile that was aching to cross her lips. As James walked across the room toward where his new partner stood, Felicity held up a finger to indicate Lily should rest for a moment while she spoke with him.
Lil crossed her arms while she watched Felicity flirt audaciously with James across from her. James simply smiled and nodded at her comments. Lily felt a pang of jealousy when he said something and Felicity roared with laughter, pressing her palm against James' chest and shoving him playfully.
Lily's skin began to feel increasingly warm, and she shrugged off her cloak to try and cool down. She watched for another few moments before turning and talking to Mary.
"What does everyone see in her?" she hissed under her breath.
"What?" Mary asked, looking across the room at James talking to Felicity. "She's pretty? I don't know, I've never thought about it."
Lily scowled, turning back just as James was walking over to partner with Connie. She barely had time to raise her wand when she noticed Felicity eying her impishly. "Fodio!" Felicity shouted.
Lily was so taken aback by the fact that the girl had used a spell that was not listed on the board that she completely forgot to put up a shield charm. "OW!" she shouted as the stinging spell hit her and a shock erupted throughout her body. She dropped her wand on the floor and swore under her breath; several people looked over at her. Connie snorted a laugh and gave Felicity the thumbs up; Felicity walked over with a mock look of sympathy on her face.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Evans," she said as she picked up Lily's wand and handed it to her. "Max was looking at me, and I actually meant to aim that at him, but I have such terrible aim."
"No harm done," Lily muttered, taking her wand from her hand.
"Coming to the party tomorrow?"
"I am now," Lily replied coldly.
"Oh yes, I heard Max ask you. Jamesy and I have agreed to go as well, I asked him after the last Quidditch match," she said, twirling her long blonde hair. "What's your costume?"
"Dunno yet," said Lily.
"I've got a really cute raven costume my mum made me; it should be a good time," she said strolling across the room.
"Oh, a raven, how cute," muttered Lily under her breath. "I'm sure you'll look plucking wonderful, and you're just hoping someone plucks you before the night is over," she spat.
Mary sniggered loudly and had to waive off Julia's next attempt at a spell. Lily rolled her eyes and looked back at Felicity.
"I haven't gotten a chance to do the shield yet, can you try a jinx?" Felicity asked.
Lily smirked. "Yeah sure, that's fine," she said. She watched as Felicity assumed a defensive position before closing her eyes and concentrating all her thoughts on her chosen jinx. Curislaxis! She thought to herself with every ounce of concentration she could muster.
She watched as Felicity flicked her wand and a thin barrier erupted between them; but the strength of Lily's jinx shattered it with a loud crack, and Felicity fell to the ground as her legs gave out from underneath her. Julia laughed loudly, watching as the blonde struggled to get to her feet. From across the room, Lily flicked her wand and thought "Desino," watching as Felicity jumped up but staggered on the spot, her eyes alight with rage.
"That was… quick, Evans. Try again," she demanded.
"All right; are you ready?"
Felicity nodded and resumed her stance. She flicked her wand again as Lily aimed her jinx. There was another loud snap, but this time Felicity's wand soared high into the air and Lily caught it perfectly in her outstretched hand. Smirking, she walked across the aisle and handed it to Felicity.
"Perhaps a princess carrying a shield would be a more appropriate costume," Lily suggested, grinning as Felicity snatched her wand back with a fake smile.
McMyers ended the class just then, and Lily turned to get her bag from the opposite end of the room. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw James and Sirius eying her and stifling laughter as they watched Felicity huff out of the room. She grinned to herself and walked out the hall to stop on the restroom before Transfiguration.
She had just closed the door to the stall when three other girls walked in. "… didn't give me enough time to concentrate. Bloody ginger wench, I'm so glad that James is going with me. She was jealous, I could see it in her eyes," said Felicity's voice.
"I don't know what he sees in her anyway. All that red hair, it's so thick it looks like she's got a blanket on her head no matter what she does," said Connie.
"And she's so short, and scrawny. 'Course, I guess I don't know; she always wears such baggy clothes. Even if she does have curves, you'd never know it," said Felicity.
"Her skin is so pale," said Connie.
"And her face is so narrow, kind of like her mind, all that goody-two-shoes bookworm stuff," said Felicity. "Like I said, I'm glad James is going with me to this party."
"Why?"
"Well, he's so good looking, and smart and all that. But, him and those other Gryffindor boys spend too much time messing around, it's about time they start paying attention to us," Felicity said. "Besides… he was a fantastic snog, so that will be fun."
"But you don't actually like him," said Connie.
"No, of course not. But, like I said, he's a fantastic kisser and he's very … talented; I told you that last year, best getting off session I've had in my life. Plus, he needs to wake up and see that there are more girls in the world than Lily Mudblood Evans." Felicity giggled. Lily frowned and felt her stomach twist; she couldn't tell if her sudden nausea was from the insult, or the fact that Felicity called James "talented."
Connie snorted. "Well, that's all well and good, but what if he starts to like you… like Morgan did? You remember how bloody awful that was."
"Yeah… that could be an issue. I suppose, if he started to fancy me… yeah … I guess I'd go with him; but not for very long. He seems like he'd get boring or irritating very quickly," she said.
"What about Black?"
"He's next on the list," said Felicity.
"I hear he's shagging Tottleham, though," said Connie. Lily clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a gasp of shock. She knew they had been sneaking out to snog each other and perhaps a little more, but shagging was something completely different.
"I heard that too, but there's no way. He's got better taste than that lanky, ditzy, freckled toehead," Felicity said while Mary laughed. There was a bit more chatter and they walked out the room.
Bookworm, Lily thought to herself; how little they knew about her. She opened the door to the bathroom stall and was instantly met with her reflection.
She was short; not as short as Mary, but not as tall as Julia or Felicity… average. And her hair did look like a thick red blanket on top of her head; and her face was narrow, like her body and her curves. Average… all average. Here she was, talentless and un-impressive, while Felicity was beautiful and lively… and apparently much more experienced than Lily. Plus… Lily was muggle-born, a mudblood; the permanent nail in her coffin.
She swore loudly and flicked on the faucet, washing her hands and heading out the door without even bothering to dry them. She got halfway down the hall to the Transfiguration classroom when she ran straight into James.
"Woah! Sorry about that, Lily," he said, grasping her arms and holding her steady.
"'Evans."
"Pardon?"
"'Evans!"
"Erm… all right," said James curiously. "What's wrong?"
"Your little girlfriend is what's wrong," Lily snarled. "She's … well she's just using you! Apparently you four aren't interested enough in girls, so she's being all flattering hoping you'll fancy her. Oh, and apparently you're a great snog, but she said even if you did fancy her, she wouldn't stick it out."
"What?"
"She said you'd get boring after a bit. You'd bore or irritate her," said Lily.
"That's harsh; when did you hear this?"
"Just now, in the bathroom."
"Lily, are you sure it was –"
"'Evans! Don't call me 'Lily!' And I'm just trying to give you friendly advice."
James frowned and stood up taller, feeling irritated at the fact that she was yelling at him for something Felicity said. "'Lily' is your name," he reminded her. "You let Linghold call you that!"
"Yeah… well he doesn't-"
"And speaking of friendly advice, remember what I told you about Linghold?"
"Yeah… so?" she asked.
"He said he thought he could 'bang' you and a whole bunch of other disgusting comments. He just wants in your knickers, Evans," said James, stressing the use of her surname.
"Whatever! You're just jealous," Lily spat.
"Jealous of what? I've got a date," he said snidely.
"She's just using you though!"
"Well, then… we're in the same boat!"
"I wasn't even going to go to this stupid thing because no one asked me. But then he did!"
"I would have asked you if I was in the stupid slug club," spat James.
"You have to be in the Slug Club to ask me? You could have asked me to take you," she suggested.
"Oh, yeah… that's really cool. 'Hey, Evans… can you take me to this party of a club that I'm not a part of, pretty please?'" he said in a mock voice.
"If you really wanted to go with me, you wouldn't care how it looked to everyone else," she spat.
"I told you, you can ask me anything… I'm waiting for you to ask," he said.
"Well… what's the problem with Linghold wanting in my knickers? You've been in Flutterhorn's," Lily accused.
James pause; he thought that rumor had died last year, but apparently he was mistaken. He tried to recover himself. "So what if I was? I'm not in yours… or snogging you; and if it feels nice-"
"'If it feels nice?' How… You expect me to take you seriously about fancying me when you kiss someone or get into their knickers just because 'it feels nice?'" Lily asked in a shocked voice. "I would hope that someone who kissed me would want it to mean a little bit more than a good feeling," Lily spat.
They both glared at each other for a moment before James scoffed and walked off towards the class room, leaving Lily standing in the hallway huffing angrily.
James sat through class, fuming and ignoring questions from Sirius and Peter about his attitude. He was furious; he hadn't snogged Felicity recently, and for her to assume he had was out of line. That was last year, he thought, I haven't even come close to her this year, nor have I wanted to. The only way she could have known about that was if Felicity had said something… why would she say that?
He kept looking over at Lily in the corner, she was absentmindedly twirling her quill with a sad look on her face. Vaguely James wondered if he'd upset her, but then he also remembered that she had attacked him for no reason. And asked me to use her surname again, what's so wrong with me calling her Lily? He wondered.
The lesson ended and James made some excuse about going to the Library just so he could have some quiet time to think. But when he got there, Felicity and her friend Connie joined him at the table.
"Hey, Jamesy," Felicity grinned. "Studying?"
"Yup," he muttered in response, hoping she would take the hint and leave him alone.
"Mind if we join you?"
James shrugged and turned back to his book. Felicity and Connie sat down and began talking in whispers. As he listened to them prattle on about something unimportant, he admitted to himself, again, that Felicity was pretty, with her long, silky hair and bright eyes. And, if he really had to sit down in confession, he would have to admit that he enjoyed the three times he had got off with her. It had been fun… but that was it, for both of them.
But… she was average. How many girls had blonde hair and blue eyes? It was boring to him, just as he could be boring to her. Besides that, she was so insincere in all her actions; it was an enormous turn off to him. The gossiping, the constant staging of appearances she did in class; they were all annoying to him. The only N.E.W.T. classes she was taking were Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, and Herbology; the rest she sat out of claiming she didn't need them anymore.
Aside from all these reasons, the main one James found himself citing for his lack of interest in her was the fact that she wasn't Lily. She wasn't firey and quick witted. She didn't care enough about people to notice little things. Little things like when they scraped their arms after being out with their werewolf friends, or that they had ceased playing with a snitch just to impress a girl.
Lily noticed things like that. She picked up on people's feelings, and she cared about them. She cared so much she called them out on their actions, like being a bully… or attending a party with someone who obviously didn't mean anything to them. She picked up on his intentions, pointing out how unserious he seemed about her if he was willing to snog someone just because it felt nice. Kissing should mean more, she pointed out… and she was right. James knew it would mean more if it had been Lily he was kissing, but if he continued to act this way that would be further and further out of the cards.
James frowned at his book as he realized that he could have asked Lily to take him; it wouldn't have looked that bad, and she would have been the only one who would have known. He'd already made a fool of himself enough in front of her, though; perhaps he should try to save some face.
He stood up from the table, muttering an excuse about being tired as he packed up his things to head back to Gryffindor tower. To his annoyance, Felicity and Connie insisted on walking him back to the staircase that lead to Gryffindor tower. Do they think I'll get lost? He thought sarcastically to himself. He ignored their incessant chatter mostly, but then suddenly Felicity let out a high pitched cackle and it caught him off guard.
"Watch this," she said, pointing in the direction of a figure that was coming down the staircase around the corner from the Library. Felicity ran ahead, pulling out her wand and flicking it at the figure as it stepped off the last stair.
"Offendo!" Felicity said quietly.
James watched in shock as Lily's figure, that had been carrying a stack of books and golden fabric, sprawled out on the floor as the trip jinx hit her. The books and material cascaded out of her arms and onto the floor.
Connie laughed loudly before stifling it behind her hand; Felicity grinned as Lily pushed herself to her knees and looked up at them with a mixture of anger and sadness.
"Oops! Sorry, Evans… I thought it was someone else," Felicity said with a shrug.
James walked forward and stepped around Felicity; he picked up several of Lily's books and stacked them before handing them back to her as she gathered up the fabric. Her eyes met his once, but she just frowned before standing and continuing on her path. Felicity laughed coldly as she watched her walk away.
"Awh… poor Evans can't even walk under the weight of her own arrogance," she said slightly, shaking her head as Connie approached her.
"What was that for?" asked James harshly, spinning around and stepping into Felicity's face.
Felicity looked at him curiously. "What? She's a goody-two-shoes bookworm; she needs to lighten up a bit. I think, out of everyone, you'd agree with that sentiment."
"Lily is not a goody-two-shoes bookworm. But what did she do to you, eh? Why'd you hex her?"
"Why do you hex people? Because they annoy you, right? She annoys me. What's the big deal, James? Is it 'cause you still have that crush on her?" Felicity asked.
"Lily and I are friends; I'd react the same way if you hexed Sirius-"
"Friends! Since when are you and Evans 'friends?'"
"Since last year," said James coldly.
"Oh, please. You've got to get over this little crush on her! What do you see in her anyway? She's so…"
"So much better than you are. Find a different date for your little party," James said coldly before turning and walking the opposite direction toward Gryffindor tower.
Felicity made a disparaging noise. "Enjoy your lonely evening, Potter! Keep prying at her, maybe one day she'll give in and have a pity shag with you," she shouted at him. He ignored her and broke into a run to try and catch up with Lily.
He didn't manage to find her, though. By the time he made it back to the common room, she had already gone up to her room and he wouldn't see her until breakfast. James sat down in the chair and stared into the fireplace, feeling the weight of his arrogance hit him like a bludger.
He finally understood why Lily disliked him for so long, and how she must have felt each time she saw him, or Sirius, or anyone, hex Snape while they were still friends. It didn't make him pity the slimy, dark arts obsessed boy any, but he now realized why it made her so angry.
He also realized how uncouth it was to take that course of action against someone for something as simple as annoyance. He'd felt he had humbled himself quite a bit, but this had him feeling about two inches tall. Being on the opposite side of the fence, and witnessing someone you care about be pushed around for no reason, wasn't enjoyable in the slightest. James ran his hands through his hair and leaned back, closing his eyes and thinking about how many people he should go apologize to for hexing them unnecessarily.
"Potter? Potter… hey, Potter," a light voice was saying in his ear.
James opened his eyes and inhaled sharply. Lily's face was hovering very close to his; one of her small hands was shaking his shoulder gently. Her red hair was pulled back in a long plait, though a few rogue strands had escaped and were framing her heart-shaped face. James found himself breathing deeply; the scent that always surrounded her invading his senses. He never could quite identify what it was: honeysuckle, clean water… lilies perhaps? Whatever it was made his head spin, and the feel of her so close to him caused shivers to run down his spine.
"Hey, Potter," she said, shaking him again. "You can't sleep here; your neck will be stiff in the morning."
James nodded and adjusted his glasses. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier," he muttered, sitting up and looking at her apologetically.
"You didn't do anything," she said quietly.
"I should have stopped them, I know. I just-"
"No, that's not what I meant. I meant… you don't have any reason to apologize. You didn't do anything; Felicity likes to give me a hard time. We … er… well, she doesn't like me very much, never has for some reason," said Lily.
"It's no loss of yours, I can assure you that," said James. He got to his feet, watching as she turned her face away and looked at the floor. "Still going with Max to the party tomorrow?"
"Well… I kind of have to. I told him I would; it would be rude if I backed out," she said, not looking up at him.
James nodded, thinking somehow he'd have to get into that party tomorrow to make sure that Max at least treated her with respect. "You're a lot nicer than I am," he said.
Lily looked up finally. "Why do you say that?"
"You just are. If I didn't want to go with someone, I'd just back out," he said, thinking of Felicity's face when he told her to find another date.
"Who says I don't want to go with him?" asked Lily.
James looked at her, the uncertainty she felt about the following evident in her face. "Your eyes say you don't want to go with him."
Lily dropped her eyes again, wondering exactly how much James could read about her just from her expression. "I need to go to sleep… I'm very tired," she muttered.
James nodded and watched her walk up the stairs slowly. "Good night."
Lily paused, turning over her shoulder and gazing at James as he stood at the bottom of the stairs. His glasses were lopsided and his hands were placed casually in his pockets. There was sadness in his expression that Lily hated to see, but she didn't know how to fix it. "Good night," she muttered quietly, ascending the stairs and feeling a pang of guilt in her chest.
When Lily got to her room, she crawled into her bed and stared at her pillow. She was dreading the party tomorrow, that was obvious. Forgoing any attempt to calm her emotions, her eyes pricked with tears and started to berate herself for not asking James to go with her in the first place; allowing Felicity to escort him instead. Now he'd be hanging out with that blonde slag all night, and she would be stuck listening to Max brag about himself. What a glorious evening…
The only consolation she had was her costume; she may be average, but she was going to try and be a little above that tomorrow night.
A/N: I'll not make you wait for the next chapter very long =).
