I should tell you, I'm disaster

I forget how to begin it – Written by Jonathon Larson

"Ended," Eric asks quickly turning from the door to face me.

"It ended when you were 8" he repeats. I nod my head once while looking everywhere in the room but at him. Seconds go by and I hear a sharp snap that brings my eyes back to him. When I glance toward him I realize that the doorknob, or at least half of it is on the floor. Eric had broken the doorknob!

"Pam, leave us."

"How do you expect me to do that? You broke the knob."

"Find another door," he says through gritted teeth, turning to her.

I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to talk one on one with someone about this. It feels too threatening. Not in the, I think Eric will hurt me way. More in the, he seems to break things a lot way. Talking about it is hard enough. His intensity will make it that much more difficult. Pam may be able to break that up a bit.

"She can stay," I blurt out causing them to turn and quickly look at me. "She can stay," I repeat.

The two look at each other. After a few seconds, Eric gives a short nod. When I don't start to speak again Eric asks, "When you woke up, you were frightened. Was it because of him?"

I nod. "When I would wake up from a nap, he would be in the room, just sitting there, staring at me. He started out on a chair in the corner of the room but as I got older, he got closer until eventually he was on the bed with me when I woke up. I would have dreams about it. Since, it really happened too though, I never knew when I first woke up if it was a dream or not. I didn't want to sleep if he was there."

I stop talking to take time to gather my thoughts, which does not seem to happen. Right now, everything is a jumble in my brain and I can't sort through everything. I stay quiet not knowing where to really begin. Plus, the two vampires glaring at me expectantly aren't really helping matters.

"I don't know where to start," I tell them looking down at my hands. I haven't ever talked about it before. Maybe ask me another question."

"You said you were 8 when it ended. How old were you when it started," Eric asks softly.

I shake my head not ready to talk about that yet. "Too hard."

"Who was it?"

I didn't want to go there either. "Another one." Eric lets out a low growl seemingly in anger before turning and taking two steps away. I think that counts as pacing for a vampire.

"Damn. And here I thought I was going to get story time," Pam says looking at me and giving me a wink. I think she knows why I wanted her to stay. When all Eric does is give another, deeper growl in response, I reconsider my decision. Sure Pam could break up the intensity that is Eric Northman but just like any child, she can probably piss off her maker just as much.

Trying to ward off any issues between the two before they start, I close my eyes and take a deep breath and start with, "My parents died when I was 7." Somehow that seemed a little less threatening, starting closer to the end than the beginning. "They were going out during a storm and had left Jason and I with our Gran. The bridge flooded and they drowned. That left us growing up with Gran. She's the one who put a stop to it."

"Your parents did not," Eric asks.

"They didn't know," I explain quietly. "I never told them."

"And your brother?"

"Eric, he was 10. Hardly in the position to do anything."

"At 10, I was in battles and defending the Village."

"Well aren't you just special. Times change, Viking. At 10 all my brother was protecting me from was spiders." I give a shiver at the thought of the 8-legged creatures.

"Of all the things to be frightened of in the world, Sookie. Spiders, really?"

"You'll have to forgive me, Pam. As a child I knew nothing about your wacky world of Supernatural. If I had known, I probably would have been afraid of good ole' Fido down the street."

"This is not a damn joke," Eric screams, clearly not enjoying our tangent. I jump at his words and turn away wiping the tear that had silently escaped my eye at his words. I hear Pam talk to Eric in his native language. I move to leave the room when I hear Pam call my name questioningly. I need a minute to breathe and tell her without turning around, "I'm just getting some water."

I get into the kitchen and dig through the cabinets to find a glass before filling it with water. I am just sitting down at the table when Eric comes back in with Pam following close behind. The two join me at the table. Not being able to stand the silence any further I say, "I'm sorry I made you angry."

"I am sorry I yelled at you. I realize it is a difficult thing to discuss."

"I wasn't trying to make a joke of the situation. Believe me I know this is nothing to joke about. It just…"

"Lessens the intimidation of the situation."

"Well, I was going to say make it less scary but yeah, pretty much."

Eric and Pam look at me anxiously after that. I stay quiet trying to avoid their gaze. "Sookie," Eric says after a minute or two. "I know it is difficult at times to talk about things, but sometimes not talking about them is worse. Keeping things in can have dire consequences because they don't stay in forever." Turning back towards me he adds, "And when they come out, it's rarely good."

"Who is it that you talk to?"

"Pam," is his simple answer.

"And for the roughly 800 years before her?"

"There was no one I trusted enough to share things with. Even Pam had to wear me down to talk to her."

"Are you glad she did?"

"As uncomfortable as it was at first yes, I am glad I finally had someone to talk to. I do not like to think what could have happened if I did not have."

With his words, I feel the tone in the room change. It was somber before given the conversation topic but now, now it was downright dismal. I know I can't put off talking about my past anymore. I find it odd that I don't really want to. I have never wanted to talk about what Bartlett did to me in the past. Even Bill knew only the bare minimum. It's all he cared to know really.

It seems different thinking about it and talking about it now. I can't put my finger on why exactly, but I'm sure it's the reason for why I feel ready to talk about it now, for the first time.

"Ask me the questions again," I say.

"Sookie, we've played this game before. Did not exactly work."

"Ask me the question, Eric."

He stays silent, his eyes narrowing, trying to gauge me it appears. It's not him but Pam who asks, "How old were you when it started?"

"I don't know." Now, I have two vampires glaring at me. "I don't know how old I was. I don't remember a time when it didn't," I explain to them. Eric raises his hand in what looks like a motion to slam it back on the table but with one foreign word from Pam, runs it through his hair like that was what he was doing the whole time.

"If it went on for years, how is possible that no one ever found out," Eric asks, his voice shaky.

I shrugged. "Who would have expected it? We saw him a lot. He would be there when Jason and I had to stay with Gran when our parents had to work. Gran would be off running after Jason who was always getting into something and I was left with him. Who would think it would be dangerous to leave children with family?"

"It is not supposed to be," Eric says. "So he was family." I nod. He stays quiet giving me time.

"I said I don't know when it started because looking back now, everything leaves me wondering what was innocent or not. That's why I don't remember a time when he didn't. Looking back now, it was all wrong."

"Like what?"

"Like when I was really young and simply sitting on his lap. Innocent enough except his hands. His hands would always be on my inner thighs. Pretty high up on my thighs too."

"Where they had no place to be," Eric says with Pam staying relatively quiet. She is carefully watching Eric. "Hardly innocent."

"Innocent compare to when I got a bit older and his hands would wander a bit."

"Wander?"

"Yeah. Move off my thighs."

"I figured that. I know the definition of wander."

"Then why did you ask?"

He glares at me and I think I see the start of a smirk on his face. But it's gone before I am sure. Pam on the other hand is doing nothing to hide the one on her face. "Let me rephrase then," Eric says. "Wander where?"

I thought that was what he wanted to know but at actually hearing him ask it, I lower my head. The two vampires stay silent giving me the time I need. Still looking down, in a shaky voice I say softly, "At first, it was up my shirt. Up my back, then moving to my chest. It was always light touching. Then, when I wore dresses or skirts…his hands would not stop at my thighs anymore."

Eric continues to look at me and I see the serious look in his eyes. I know he wants to ask me something. Something most likely I will not want to answer. I see him open his mouth and close my eyes, bracing myself as he says, "Sookie, I just need to know. Did he take it as far as Bill did?"

I take a deep breath and shake my head at his question. No. Bartlett never did to me what Bill did. Opening my eyes I can what looks to be relief cross his face. "No," I murmur. "He didn't. He didn't go as far Bill did."

"How far did he go?"

I give a sigh to give me a few seconds before I answer. Again, closing my eyes, I say softly, "As I got older, I would hide to avoid him. Everyone thought we were playing a game. They didn't know that when I hid in the cabinets, or trees in the woods, or even in the damn spider infested attic I wasn't playing a game. I was terrified."

"Not necessarily even from what he did, but from his thoughts. Physically, he had just started to…travel past my underwear." It does not escape me that as I say this Pam's hand shoots to Eric's shoulder. Her arm looks strained.

"It was his thoughts that made me finally tell Gran. It's what he wanted to do to me. It's what he felt like he was preparing me for," I say barely whispering at this point as I think back to the thoughts I heard in his head. The pictures I saw in his head. I wipe the silent tears that have been making their way down my face.

"I may not have understood everything at 7 but I knew what I saw in his head should not be done by children. That's when I told Gran."

"And your grandmother protected you."

I nod. "She kicked him out. I always felt a little bit bad about it."

"You were the one getting hurt. What did you have to be sorry about?"

I take a deep breath, then another for good measure. "It was my uncle, well great-uncle I guess. Her brother. She chased him away. I don't know if she ever spoke to him again. I know he deserved more than just being chased off and I know it wasn't my fault he was. I just wish my Gran didn't have to get hurt to protect me. It was her brother."

"He was family," Eric says, anger in his voice. "He should have been the one who was protecting you and instead," he trails off. A crash rings through the room causing me to jump back in my chair. There goes my glass. I turn to Pam who is continuing to watch me.

"Great uncle you say," she says drily. "I don't get it. Doesn't seem that great to me." Her comment makes me smile a bit.

"No he wasn't, was he?"

"Was he ever punished," Eric asks, seemingly gotten control over himself.

I shrug and say, "I guess so. Bill killed him after I told him." Looking back now after what Bill did to me I see irony in the situation.

"Your grandmother did not try to pursue any punishment for him."

I shake my head no. "She didn't want me to have to go through the pain of a trial. She thought it would do more damage than good. She just wanted him to stay away from me, Jason, and our cousin."

"And what help did she get you?"

"What do you mean," I ask confused. "She stopped it and sent him away."

"Yes, but certainly that didn't stop your fears?"

"No, I was still scared to sleep at first and it took about a year or two for me to be convinced he really wasn't coming back but she did what she had to do."

"You said you had dealt with it. It was in the past. How did you deal with it?"

"It stopped. Eventually, I stopped being scared to sleep and I tried not to think about it. I adjusted."

"You don't think it could be affecting you now as you deal with this?"

"No," I tell him. I don't really.

"But," he starts.

"But nothing, Eric. It happened more than 15 years ago. It is in the past. It ended. I moved on. You're the one who keeps bringing it up," I tell him my voice starting to get louder.

He looks like he's about to say something else but Pam stops him by saying, "Well, that sure was quite the story time but don't you have to make a call Eric."

Looking at the time he says, "I have to see to this issue tonight but it can wait a bit longer if," he says. Wanting to be done with where he has taken the conversation I am quick to say, "No, it's fine. Make your phone call."

He starts to leave the kitchen but I do call his name as he reaches the doorway. He turns to me as I say, "Thanks for staying. I was sacred after I woke up and I can honestly say I feel a bit better after finally talking about it."

"I am glad," he says before turning and leaving the room.

"Well, I am going to take a shower," I tell Pam moving to get up.

"What no heartfelt thanks for me? I listened and ran interference."

"Thanks to you to, Pam," I say with as I begin to walk to the doorway. "I really appreciate it Pam."


After my shower, I put on a robe and make my way back to the kitchen to fix a sandwich. I am a bit hungry. I am just about finished up when Pam and Eric walk in. "What's with the grim faces, guys," I ask them given their expressions that change once I ask about them.

"It looks like I am going to have to go into Fangtasia and handle some business."

"Ok," I say confused about why the seemed upset coming into the kitchen.

"Pam will stay with you if that's ok."

"Sure. I don't mind."

"I can stay if you want me to. I could put this off one more night." Part of me wants to ask him to. When I see the sharp look that Pam gives him when he says this though, I think it may be better if he handled this.

"I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm sure I can keep Pam entertained."

"You sure?" I give a nod. "Ok, you girls play nice, then," he says turning and walking out of the kitchen.

"What do you think Sookie," Pam asks as I hear the front door close.

"I don't know Pam. What do you think?"

She looks me up and down appraisingly. "Well, what I think Sookie Stackhouse is that with your skin tone is that I should use a red that's more toward the pink side."

Huh?

Before I know it, Pam and I are up in my room and I am getting a manicure and pedicure from the female vampire. I have to admit that's not something I ever saw her doing, for someone else at least. When I mention it to her she tells me simply that I have earned some pampering.

She stays relatively quiet after that and I am left thinking about the past two days. My thoughts keep coming back to Eric, more so how he has been responding to me. It's like he knows what might help me, like he has had to do this before. I wonder if he has.

"Pam," I say hesitantly. She looks up from where she has been applying the second coat on my feet. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did, but you may ask me another one. I may or may not answer," she adds with a grin.

"I was just wondering," I start wondering if there is a polite way to ask this question. "It's just that Eric seems to have some experience with helping people through pain. I was wondering if it was you he helped."

She looks up at me with a measuring glance that leads me to apologize quickly. "I'm sorry. It's really none of my business. I was just curious."

I'm not exactly sure what she sees in looking at my face but she gives a little nod before going back to painting my toes. I take that as she will not be discussing this with me so I am surprised when I hear her say, "It wasn't me." I stay quiet hoping she will continue.

"Eric was pretty much the protective father when it came to others. The only person allowed to hurt me in any way, was him. And he only did so when I needed to be taught something. There was one time where he felt another vampire was laughing at the way I was feeding. I was a bit messy when I first started."

"Needless to say, a few words and some fists may have been exchanged that night. Well, the other tried to exchange fists but Eric wasn't having any of that." She gets a far away look in her face, like she is remembering that night." Eric is very well known in our world so the word quickly spread that his child was not one to mess with if you didn't want him to mess with you."

"Aren't all makers protective like that over their children though?"

She pauses in painting my nails and asks me, "Are all human parents good to their children? The same is true with vampires."

"So who has Eric helped in the past?"

"That's a conversation I think you are best to have with him," she tells me. "But a little advice. It's a conversation better to have when he come to you with it. Especially with what's going on now."

I give her a nod. Not being ready to talk about something, that something that I can relate too. "Now Sookie," Pam exclaims putting the cap in the nail polish. "Tell be about this show that has vampires' faces becoming all bumpy when they feed." I look at her and she gives a little shrug. "I'm curious." I give a little laugh and start to tell her about the show.

Pam leaves after about another hour saying she had to go do some work in the office. She wasn't leaving the house though. I have a feeling that Eric gave her strict instructions not to. After she leaves I realize just how tired I am. It was yet another emotionally exhausting day. Well, night really. I was keeping pretty close to vampire hours between Jackson and the last few days.

I look at the pill bottle that is still on the dresser in the room. Another dreamless night would be great, but I don't want to have to rely on the medication so I decide to try without it. I fall asleep pretty quickly.

I'm not sure how long I stay asleep though. I wake to someone lightly touching me, which causes me to jump. "It's Eric," the voice said. "I am sorry to wake you this way," he starts no doubt remembering how I woke from an earlier nap.

"What time is it?"

"About 6. Dawn will be here shortly but there is something I need to discuss with you. Something you need to think about during the day."

"What?"

"I need you to know that you will be safe. No one will be able to get to you here."

"Eric, telling me that is just making me more scared."

He gives a nod that I can see now that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness. "Sookie, I have spent all night talking with Bill. That's why I had to leave tonight. I had been putting it off."

"Did he confirm one of your theories?"

"He confirmed my thoughts were heading in the right direction though, I had no idea of how deep the plot actually went."

"Ok," I say not really knowing how to take what he is telling me.

"Sookie I am sorry. I am going to have to let Bill go free."

One step forward and two back into the land of denial.

Thanks so much for taking the time to take this story for a spin and adding it to all of the alerts. Thanks to those taking the time to leave a review. They've helped me get through work craziness that is only picking up these next two weeks. I hope it don't interfere with regular weekend programming but it might cause next weekend's update to be a bit delayed. Here's to hoping it doesn't. Happy St. Patrick's Day.

b-brock525 – Thanks for leaving a review. Yes, she is starting to admit she has issues but as we see in this chapter is still denying how far they run. Hopefully, someone can help her see reason.

Aggie – Thanks for the review. I am trying to walk the fine line that is the content in this story. I hope I am doing it justice.

Ali – Thanks for the review. I hope you enjoyed the update.

Tonda – Thanks for the review. I certainly try. I always thought in canon everyone was more so acting off of Sookie's reaction or lack there of. As you can see from this story, I for one think if she reacted differently, others may have as well.