Well, this all seemed to come together in one evening! Not that I'm complaining but it did take me by surprise!
Point to note: the last bit of this chapter is taken directly from episode 13, season 5 of One Tree Hill, titled 'Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace' and is therefore not mine. Ta! :)
Grace
There was only one birthday previous to this one that she had felt this miserable, and that was when she was on the run and in a constant state of terror.
To make matters worse she had booked the day off work so couldn't even distract herself. After everything that had happened the last thing she wanted was a day off, and she thought that she would just move the date to before Christmas or something similar. But when she talked to Christine about it Christine had insisted that she take her birthday off work. Hermione had tried to argue that she wanted to move the date, but when Christine had come back insisting she take both off, Hermione was well and truly beaten.
So, as well as being miserable, she had no way of escaping thoughts and feelings that refused to just lay down and die.
She got out of bed at half eight after lying awake for half an hour. She wished that she could go back to sleep, but it was a weekday and her body clock was too well programmed to ignore that fact. After having a shower and brushing her teeth she snuggled into her bathrobe and lay out on the sofa.
She decided it was probably best to just sit and watch telly for the time being until some other genius idea struck her.
It was all of two minutes before her thoughts turned to Ron. She hadn't seen him since he disappeared at the wedding, and she didn't expect to see him any time soon. She hadn't seen Ginny either, which made the situation worse. She had heard her come in to the flat a couple of times, well after Hermione had gone to bed – if not to sleep – but her knocks on Ginny's bedroom door had been ignored the next morning, so she had left for work like normal.
It was only Harry she had seen at work, and even that had been passing waves and snippets of conversation, most of which revolved around the fact that Ron had gone to stay in Hogsmeade with George (who was having to stay above the second Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes shop because the manager had walked out one day without warning or explanation) and was keeping very quiet.
As it turned nine o'clock on her birthday morning, Hermione had never felt so lonely.
Her card from her parents had arrived from Australia the day before as it had for the past three years. It hadn't surprised Hermione that her parents had decided to move to Australia 'for real'. When she had gone to collect them she could see it in their eyes that they had grown to love the country and returning home was something they had to do as opposed to something they wanted to. Once Hermione had assured them that she had no issue with them doing so it had all been very quick. Kingsley had pulled a few strings and getting into the country in the 'normal way' had been easy and settled with surprisingly few forms.
It was the only card that stood on her bedroom's windowsill, and if she was honest, she had expected at least a couple more to join it. But apparently it wasn't to be.
After rolling her eyes yet again at the morning television she decided to get dressed and go out for a walk. For whatever bizarre reason she initially thought of the Forrest of Dean and as much as it seemed bizarre, the idea stuck with her.
She dug her very old walking boots out of the bottom of one of the boxes she had yet to unpack properly (she chastised herself for still having two boxes still sitting in her room unpacked and gathering dust) and tackled the two-foot long laces on the sofa.
The floo bursting in to life made her jump, and her heart raced until she recognised Ginny spinning into view. Ginny started as she caught sight of Hermione.
'What…? I mean it's…' she shook her head and looked Hermione in the eye. 'Shouldn't you be at work?'
Her tone was casual but Hermione could tell Ginny was feeling a bit uncomfortable for one or a hundred reasons.
'Day off,' Hermione replied before tying the final bow in her laces.
'You… have a day off,' Ginny said slowly. Hermione could tell she was frowning without having to look at her.
'I do!' Hermione replied. She stood and wriggled her toes around to make sure she wouldn't lose circulation to them. She picked up the heavy outdoor jacket she had found with her walking boots and pulled it on. Ginny looked confused. 'I'm off out, will you be in later?' she asked as she did the zip up on her jacket.
'Um… I don't know yet… Hermione-'
There was a knock on the door, both of them turned to stare at it. Hermione couldn't remember anyone ever entering or leaving through the door to the flat since she moved in. She turned and looked at Ginny who looked stunned.
'I'll get it, shall I?' Hermione asked as she started walking through to the front door, her annoyance and disappointment that Ginny didn't seem to remember her birthday at all being replaced by curiosity.
She opened the door and saw Lavender Brown beaming at her. Her face quickly fell into a look of confusion as she took in Hermione.
'Hermione what are you wearing?'
Hermione tilted her head to the side and raised her eyebrows.
'Walking shoes because I'm going walking and an outdoor jacket because I'll be walking around outdoors.'
'Why in the name of Merlin would you go walking on your birthday? In fact why on earth would you go walking at all?'
'Oh, I dunno, Lavender, maybe I want to clear my head of all the rubbish that refuses to stop running through it, maybe I need some exercise or maybe I just want to get out of these four walls before I go insane!'
It was Lavender's turn to raise her eyebrows.
'Oh, darling there are better ways to clear your head than walking. A day with me is one of them. Now go and get changed into something… else, and I'll just wait for you.'
Hermione frowned not having a clue as to why Lavender was offering to spend the day with her.
'Lavender…'
'Don't even think about arguing, just go and get changed and then we'll get out of here.'
'But-'
'Go!'
Hermione automatically turned and started walking towards her bedroom. Ginny watched as she walked through the flat and couldn't look more mortified. She opened her mouth to say something, but Hermione just carried on walking. Hermione didn't know why she didn't want to hear Ginny's apology or reasons for not having been at the flat for the past week.
She changed into what she hoped Lavender would think suitable for whatever she had planned – jeans and a top – and opened her bedroom door.
She saw Ginny glaring at Lavender, but she quickly pulled her face into something of a smile and walked over to Hermione. She hugged Hermione and seemed to bury her face into Hermione's shoulder.
'I'm so sorry. I just… I just…'
'Have a heartbroken brother who you need to sort out. It's fine, really.'
Ginny pulled back and Hermione saw tears in her eyes.
'It's not fine! It's your birthday, and I bloody well forgot! Well, I did and I didn't. I have your present and your card and I had started to organise something with Neville and Hannah and Quintus but-'
'But you have a heartbroken brother who you need to sort out! Ginny, I understand! I promise you!'
'I haven't even said happy birthday yet!'
'So say it and you're off the hook you've put yourself on!'
Ginny nodded and managed to smile.
'Happy birthday, Hermione. You're getting really old, you know!'
Hermione laughed out loud.
'Thank you for that!'
'You're welcome. Um, look I do have your present, it's just not wrapped yet.' She turned to Lavender and her smile slipped. 'Will you have her back here for dinner?' she asked.
Lavender smiled. 'She'll be back for dinner, I have a date with a really hot curse breaker!'
'Darwood from the wedding? Bill's apprentice?' Ginny asked.
'The very same. While Hermione wasn't up for meaningless wedding sex, I was. Granted, it ended up being, having-a-drink-in-the-pub-during-the-should-be-reception-and-then-stumble-home sex but it still had a happy ending!'
Ginny closed her eyes and raised her eyebrows and turned back to Hermione. Hermione had to try really hard to suppress a giggle.
'Fine, I'll make you dinner and we can just relax out or go for a drink or… whatever you want. Is that okay?'
Hermione smiled. She felt all the anger and frustration at her best friend leave her. She knew deep down that Ginny had more pressing issues to deal with than remembering her birthday, she was just… lonely, and Ginny was her only hope of making her birthday one step up from normal.
'That's fine, providing I survive whatever Miss Brown has in store.'
She turned towards Lavender and smiled. 'Oh, just get your arse out the door, wench!'
She gave Ginny another quick hug and followed Lavender out the door.
…oooOOOooo…
They had filled their brief journey to Hogsmeade and the Three Broomsticks with small talk, but now that they had their coffees and toasted sandwiches in front of them Hermione's curiosity got the better of her. She took a deep breath and looked at Lavender.
'Okay, before the Spanish Inquisition begins,' Lavender said with a smirk, 'I just want to say, and I mean this genuinely, Happy Birthday.' Hermione smiled and took a sip of her coffee. 'Oh and good luck with that being old thing.'
Hermione snorted into her coffee.
'Lavender your birthday is exactly a month after mine, if I'm getting old, I'm dragging you right along with me.'
'Well, thank you for that! I may take back the sincerity in my statement.'
Hermione laughed, and she could feel herself starting to relax a little bit. Not a lot, but a little bit. She sighed and sat back against the cushion.
'Feeling less tense?'
Hermione closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
'Yeah. I think my shoulders have forgotten how to be truly relaxed though. Could really do with a massage except I left my masseur back in Paris.'
Lavender blinked at her.
'I'm sorry, you had a masseur? Back in Paris?'
Hermione nodded and chuckled.
'Very not-me, isn't it?' she shrugged and mindlessly stirred her coffee. 'It was part of the Ministry's programme to make sure we didn't all get overly stressed. We were entitled to a day of relaxing in whatever form that took for each of us. A couple of the guys got personal training in hand-to-hand combat, boxing mainly, kick-boxing, karate and whatever other martial art they fancied. A few others took a portkey to the beach or the countryside, anywhere but Paris.
'When I mentioned that I was getting pains across my neck and my shoulders one day, I was told that I should use an all-expenses paid relaxation day at one of the luxurious spas in Paris, and I did. Granted, I only took the full body massage and not the buffing, polishing, de-fuzzing and whatever the hell else they offered, but it definitely helped to keep me sane.'
'Let me get this straight, you had the opportunity to have a complete makeover once a month, every month and you didn't indulge?'
Hermione rolled her eyes.
'To me, a full-body massage is indulging!'
'Well, apparently I need to go and work for the French Ministry!'
'That's a big leap just to get a free makeover!'
'A free monthly makeover.'
Hermione laughed.
'Anyway,' Lavender said before taking a sip of her coffee, 'I'm guessing you are wondering why I have dragged you out to Hogsmeade.'
'It has crossed my mind, yes.'
'Well, obviously I am at your disposal to do whatever you want to do for your birthday, as long as that doesn't include walking or anything that involves wearing what you were wearing earlier. But, honestly I want to talk to you about Ron.'
Hermione instantly tensed up again. Questions filled her mind, the main one being, why was he talking to Lavender?
'Lavender, I-…'
'You can sit there and protest you don't want to know about how he is, but I know that you do.'
'If he wanted me to know how he is he would have spoken to me, himself.'
'Considering Kingsley won't let him anywhere near the Ministry until he has his head straight, and with you working all hours God sends at the minute, the chances of that happening were pretty slim, don't you think?'
'There are owls, you know.'
'Oh, Hermione stop being so obstinate!'
'Lavender you can't sit there and tell me he wants to speak to me when you have no evidence of the contrary!'
'Merlin, you justice type people and your need for absolute proof!'
She rummaged in her bag and pulled out an envelope.
'Here's your proof.'
The envelope landed on the table between them. Hermione recognised Ron's handwriting, and she tentatively touched the envelope. For some reason she expected some sort of pain when she touched it, but after she had inwardly rolled her eyes at herself she picked it up and opened the wax-sealed envelope.
'He apologises that the card isn't up to his usual standard, but he had limited options.'
Hermione guessed that the limited options were due to him forgetting about her card until yesterday, but she still smiled as she opened it. It was one thing he had always done, had her a personalised card done. He never told her where he bought them from or had them made, but they always had her initials in the main picture or her name, and there was something very her about them. But this one was off the shelf from a normal shop. It was still magical, the design moved and glittered differently every second, but it was very normal. Part of her was sad, but it was shouted down by the joy that he had still remembered her birthday even through all the hurt he was dealing with.
She opened the card and a folded piece of parchment fell onto the paper. She took it in her hand but read the card first.
Hermione,
Happy Birthday! Sorry I'm not there in person, I'll see you soon. Promise.
Love and hugs,
Ron x
She closed her eyes and gripped the parchment in her hand tightly. For a second she was overwhelmed with a complete and utter sense of just missing him. It had been years since she had truly been able to relax and be normal with Ron. To laugh with him and to just be with him without agenda or frustration or irritation or hurt.
'Hmm, if you're about to cry I suggest you don't read the parchment.'
She opened her eyes and blinked Lavender into focus. 'Have you read it?'
Lavender shook her head. 'Of course not,' Hermione noticed she sounded a little hurt. 'Just call it a hunch.'
Hermione managed a half smile and took a deep breath.
'Do you think I should read it?'
Lavender nodded and caught Hermione's eye. 'I do. It'll probably make my story less long winded if you do. And, you're going to anyway so stop putting it off.'
Hermione nodded and unfolded the parchment.
I always want you to be proud of me and for too long when you came back, I wasn't someone you could be proud of. I made mistakes, and I hurt you, which, you have to believe me when I say this, (okay, write this) was never my intention. I want to hurt people who hurt you, and I put myself through hell when I led you on and made you believe there was something still between us.
But I'm going to make you proud of me, because I'm doing what is right, and I'm going to fix things with Mattie. I love her, and I have to prove that to her. That's what needs rectifying, isn't it? You always put your heart and soul into something, Hermione, and I want to make you proud of me again. I promise you, when I'm back, I'll start being the friend to you that I should be. I promise you that.
Take care of yourself.
Ron x
Someone walked past their seats and the draft made the tear track on her face cold. She hastily wiped them away but it was pointless, her tears hadn't stopped falling.
Lavender handed her a tissue.
'I knew bringing the entire box was a good idea,' she said with a smile.
Hermione wiped her eyes, nose and cheeks and took a couple of steadying breaths.
'Now, I'm going to talk for a while and you're going to sit there and take in everything I have to say, okay?' Lavender said. 'Can I just skim read this before I do?'
Hermione just nodded, not able or willing to argue with her. Lavender was silent for a minute and then the parchment appeared folded in her line of sight as she bore a hole through the table with her stare.
'He loves her still and he intends to take an International Portkey to New York to talk her round.'
Hermione's brow furrowed.
'She's in New York because it is the publishing house's annual conference and she's going. Obviously she wasn't supposed to be there and it caused quite a stink when they moved it so it clashed with her honeymoon and she told them she wouldn't be attending. Apparently no matter how low down the ladder in the company you are, you have to attend. Anyway, she's there and he's going over tonight to talk to her.'
Lavender shifted in her seat.
'He says he still loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her…' Hermione looked up at Lavender; she could tell there was a 'but' that was just waiting to appear. 'But I got him drunk one night – and don't judge me for it, he needed some way to just let go and everyone else was walking on egg shells around him, and besides, everyone tells the truth when they're drunk, whether they should or not – and he told me what I already knew.'
The seconds ticked by. Hermione knew that if Lavender didn't start talking soon she would reach over the table and shake her until she started again.
'He said that one day, when it was quiet at work and he'd been at his desk longer than he ever wanted to be, he let himself wonder about what the two of you could have again. He said that he scared himself so much because for just one minute he let all those emotions he's been locking away overtake him, and he remembered all the good times you had. But then… he made himself remember what happened between you before it all ended and he bottled up anything that he felt about you and reminded himself that he loved Mattie. Since then he's been determined she is the one. Don't get me wrong, Ron would never have been anything but devoted to the girl if she'd married him, but you need to know that he will never be able to let you go. That was the night he started writing his book.'
Hermione huffed in frustration.
'Do you know what the hardest thing about this whole thing is, Lavender?'
'What is it?' she asked.
'It's the fact that I became someone who I didn't want to be. I became someone I'm ashamed of, and I'm disappointed in myself because of that. I promised Ron, and myself to some extent, that if he was happy then I would walk away and be happy for them both, but honestly, I just wanted us to be happy. Ron and Hermione, together forever and getting their happily ever after. And then… and then when she didn't marry him I was devastated for her and for him, because no one should ever have to go through what they did. She should never have had any doubts that the man she was marrying might love someone else, and he should never have to have her not believe what he believes with all his heart to be true.
'And the worst part is that while his heart is breaking, I'm sitting at work or at home and I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm lonely, and because my life isn't working out how I wanted it to, and all I can see in my head is images of the two of us when we were happiest and the ghosts just won't fade away.
'If there was one thing that I could change or one thing I could wish for, it's to actually have the patience and grace and strength people seem to think I have because I want to be the better person and watch him be happy. I want to want Mattie to take him back and give him his happily ever after, and I pray to whoever is listening that I can be in his life and not make him miserable by pursuing what I want. I've told myself I will not be that person. But honestly, I don't know if I have that much strength. That's what the hardest part of this whole thing is: letting go. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to, and that scares me more than anything in the entire world.'
She took a deep but shaky breath.
'Okay, Hermione I want you to humour me for a few minutes. Please, just… humour me. If Ron came to you and said that he wanted to be with you-'
'Lavender, stop.'
'Hermione, please, just listen to me. If Ron came to you and said that he wanted to be with you but that he needed to be sure that this time it was forever and you would be together until the very end, what would you say?'
A voice inside her head was telling her to tell Lavender to shut up and not be so ridiculous, but she ignored the voice and pondered the question. How would she prove to Ron that she meant it when she said she loved, wanted and needed him? Unfortunately, she didn't have an answer.
'I don't expect an answer, but I want you to have the answer buried away somewhere, because I believe with every fibre of my being that one day he will ask the question, and I will not have you fuck that moment up and let him walk away. You may think I'm shallow or that I could never understand the depth of love you two have, and maybe you're right, but I know people, and I know this will happen.'
Hermione shook her head. 'And what do I do up until then, Lavender? What do I fill my days with, my life with until that day?'
Lavender looked at her. 'Anything you want to. It's your life, Hermione; I think you've been forgetting that recently. You're lonely because you're being stupidly selfless. You're letting other people grieve and cope and yet you're hiding away in your work and missing out on what you need. Ron has a lot of friends, Hermione, but you're forgetting that we're your friends, too.'
If there was ever one thing that made Hermione cry it was when people were nice to her in times of hardship. Once again tears fell from her eyes. Lavender passed her a clean tissue.
'You know, even though I knew it was a possibility, I never wanted to make you cry on your birthday, I just thought the not knowing about him was probably becoming unbearable.'
Hermione wiped her eyes and nodded.
'You were right, it was. And you were right about my friends. I forget how lucky I am sometimes, and I need to get myself involved again. And just so you know, I don't think you're shallow. You prove that every time I talk to you. I just need to ask you one thing.'
'Ask me anything.'
'If she doesn't take him back, and he becomes lost and for whatever reason I can't find him or help him get back to where he needs to be, will you be there for him?'
Lavender held her gaze for a few seconds before smiling.
'Of course I will.'
'Thank you.'
Lavender nodded. 'Right, now that's all over and done with we can expect your birthday lunch guests to arrive very shortly.' Lavender looked at the bar and winked. Hermione looked around but whomever Lavender had just winked at seemed to have disappeared.
'Lavender…' Hermione said in an accusatory tone.
'Oh, calm down, there's all but six of us meeting here for some lunch which Hannah has made for us and we'll all talk about anything but what happened last week and you can relax and enjoy yourself, okay?'
Hermione had to smile and nodded.
'That sounds brilliant.'
Lavender beamed. 'Excellent, now, go and wash your face and reapply whatever you barely put on your face before we left, you look a state.'
Hermione raised her eyebrows at Lavender but couldn't help but smile.
'I haven't got-' Lavender silenced her by holding out what Hermione presumed was a bag full of powders and colours and liners and brushes. Hermione took it off her and headed to the toilets.
After she had cooled her face down and thrown caution to the wind by using Lavender's 'Instant Crying Eyes Obliviator' she applied a subtle colour to her eyes and even braved the dark liquid liner in the bag with the excuse that it was her birthday. She looked at herself in the mirror and managed to smile.
'It's your life, Hermione, do whatever you want to do with it.'
An hour later after she had laughed, cringed and giggled at the various stories being told by Lavender, Quintus, Hannah, Neville and Seamus she started on the pile of cards in the middle of the table. Neville and Hannah were getting more drinks and snacks, Seamus had popped outside for a quick cigarette and Quintus had joined him but for some fresh air instead. Hermione had blinked at him but he just shook his head and grinned at her.
She opened Lavender's card – held in a Lavender scented envelope – and snorted at the rude joke on the front of it. But inside there was what she presumed to be a poem or a verse of some sort. She read it intently.
Make a wish and place it in your heart, anything you want, everything you want.
Do you have it? Good.
Now believe it can come true.
You never know where the next miracle's gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true.
But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it,
you just might get the thing you're wishing for.
The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it.
So make your wish, do you have it? Good.
Now believe in it.
With all your heart.
And for one second, one tiny second, she let herself believe in her true happily ever after. But for just one second. When it had passed she closed the card and carried on doing what she wanted to do: spend time with her good friends and enjoy every second of their company.
