Their first public performance had been disaster. The singing was appalling, and the dancing worse. They were asked to leave in the middle of their first song, and, if anything, Beca wished it had happened sooner.
After the performance, Aubrey told them to remember the feeling so they would never want to experience it again, Beca heartily agreed with her. Sure, it had been far too early for the mostly new group to give a public performance, but Aubrey's little speech had been a great motivation to never let it happen again regardless. The singing had gotten better – a lot better – and the dancing improved considerably as well from where they had started, but they were still way below acceptable. In Beca's opinion, what kept them from actually being good was Aubrey's dogged insistence that they never change their set list, or even their choreography. She continually tried to suggest changes at rehearsals and Aubrey kept refusing. Chloe just stood by while Aubrey just shut Beca down, time after time. It was frustrating; both to be repeatedly shut down and to watch her girlfriend just stand by and let it happen. Beca would've argued more and harder with Aubrey, but without Chloe's backing she wasn't sure that there wasn't something to Aubrey's argument. Maybe Beca just didn't have enough experience of competitive a cappella. With Chloe's help, however, Beca was confident that they could completely revamp the Bellas and make them into a group worthy of winning the ICCAs. She just didn't have Chloe's support, and wasn't sure how to get it…Beca was uncomfortable with exploiting their personal relationship to influence Bella politics, so she tended to avoid the subject altogether when with Chloe. She also didn't want to make it a "Me or your best friend" thing with Chloe, because as much as it seemed like the redhead loved them both, Aubrey had been around a lot longer and it just wasn't a risk Beca was willing to take.
And of course there were Chloe's nodes. Chloe had announced them to the group, and Beca, after their first horrible performance. Beca was in shock at Chloe's admission, having had no inkling that anything was wrong. She wanted to comfort Chloe, but as soon as she told the group, Aubrey had an arm wrapped tight around Chloe's shoulders and was shooting daggers at anyone that tried to get near the pair. Beca, still unsure of what exactly was going on, had been forced to keep her mouth shut but was secretly very hurt at Chloe's decision not to tell her. Chloe had gone home with Aubrey after her big confession, telling Beca she was tired and needed a nap and some alone time. Beca didn't want to push Chloe – she herself had a thing about alone time, so she knew how much Chloe must need it if she was asking for it. She had never asked Beca for alone time before, in fact she had seriously cut down Beca's own alone time. Which Beca was more than okay with, because it's Chloe and who the hell would ever turn down spending time with Chloe? So Beca went home, scoured the internet for anything and everything she could find, and basically became as much of a nodes expert as one can become with a few hours and a laptop. When Chloe texted her later that night asking to come over, though, Beca jumped on the opportunity. She instantly texted Chloe back, saying Kimmy Jin had already left to go home for the weekend, but still offering to go to Chloe's place. She knew it had been a rough day for her girlfriend and wanted to make things easier on her. Chloe replied wanting to give Aubrey a break, though, as the blonde had spent all afternoon consoling the distraught ginger, so she made her way over to Beca's dorm.
About ten minutes later, Beca wordlessly opened the door wide, giving Chloe plenty of room to enter. Chloe perched on the edge of Beca's bed, fully aware of the bomb that she had dropped on the brunette about her nodes. Beca came to stand in front of her, arms crossed, waiting for Chloe to say something. She looked down at the ground and awkwardly shuffled her feet, still a bit uncomfortable with the fact that Chloe had let Aubrey comfort her and take her home instead of Beca. Aubrey was her best friend, but still, it had made Beca feel a little…well, like Chloe didn't need her.
"I'm sorry…" Chloe finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "I didn't want to face it and it was easier to tell everyone at once, otherwise I would have just told you and…I don't know, I just freaked out and decided it would be better not to tell anyone until I had to. And then today I just snapped." Chloe explained, not looking up to meet Beca's eyes.
Beca sat down next to her, her heart melting at the redhead's distress. She wrapped her arms around Chloe, kissing her temple and whispering,
"I just wish you would have told me so I could have been there for you."
"I know," Chloe whispered back, leaning into Beca's embrace.
"I'm sorry. I'm just scared." She nuzzled her face into Beca's neck and looped her arms around her waist.
"It'll be okay Chlo, I promise," Beca said, pulling away from Chloe and turning her face so she could look into Chloe's beautiful blue eyes.
"But what if it's not? What happens if I can never sing again?" Chloe's voice was barely audible, tears filling her eyes at the thought.
"Hey, that's not going to happen. But no matter what does happen, I'll be here for you and we'll get through it together. Okay?" Beca tugged Chloe back against her as she sniffled her quiet agreement. Beca rested her cheek against the older girl's head, mulling her next words over in her head. The couple hadn't been together that long, but Beca was sure about this. And she wanted to improve Chloe's day, almost sure this would do the trick.
"I love you, Chloe." Beca murmured quietly but steadily. She felt Chloe automatically tense in her arms, causing her to tense up in response. She waited for Chloe to relax back into her; sure she would say it back…until she didn't…
"I…Beca…I care about you a lot…" Chloe stammered and trailed off, loosening her grip on Beca ever so slightly. Beca pulled away fully though, standing up and walking to the far side of the room. They hadn't been so far apart in a private space since their first date. Beca just stared at Chloe, arms wrapped around herself like a small child, tears welling in her eyes. She had just confessed her love, bared her soul and Chloe had left her hanging. That left a hole in her heart. Didn't Chloe love her? Why didn't she say it back? Questions raced through Beca's mind as she continued to stare at Chloe, hoping she would fix it. Tears were falling down her cheeks now, and she wasn't sure exactly why. It wasn't like Chloe had broken up with her. But Chloe didn't love her. And Chloe's reply was…well, not what Beca was expecting. Because Beca had been sure that Chloe would say it back. So now she was just confused. And the war of emotions raging across Chloe's face wasn't helping. For once, Beca had no idea what was going through Chloe's head. Beca always knew, because Chloe always told her. Except for today. Today had been a record breaking day for Chloe in the amount of things she was keeping to herself. That list included her affection; because usually when Beca was upset about something all Chloe had to do was wrap her arms around her and Beca would feel better. But right now there was no Chloe wrapped around her, only the cold air.
"Becs…" Chloe began, her voice hoarse through her own tears, "I…I need some time to…to think about things." Chloe tried to keep her voice steady, but on the inside she was freaking out. Beca was in love with her. Chloe hadn't really thought about this happening, about Beca falling in love with her, about her falling in love with Beca. She had lost track of herself in how much fun she was having with Beca. She had forgotten to stop and think about what it meant for her. Was she bi? Was she a lesbian? What would her family say? Chloe was really close with her family, what if they didn't approve? What would happen? She had never exactly pictured her wedding, standing up there next to a man, but she hadn't exactly questioned her sexuality before Beca. And then everything just…happened. All at once. One second she's fooling around in the shower with a guy, the next she is totally consumed by thoughts of this tiny DJ. How could someone so small manage to single handedly flip her whole world upside down? Chloe's head was spinning. She didn't know what to do. Deep down, she knew she loved Beca, but the words were stuck in her throat. She was just quite simply losing it. Not that she had a very good grip on things considering she was already on edge about her nodes. This was all just too much, too much at once. She could feel her brain shutting down, all coherent thought being replaced with song lyrics. That's what happened when everything became too much for Chloe to handle, her brain turned into an iPod and she just walked around endlessly until the music stopped. The lyrics were already taking over when she slowly rose off the bed and walked towards Beca, who backed as far into the corner behind her as she could possibly go, shaking her head and silently crying harder. Chloe stopped at that, her left arm outstretched towards Beca, unsure of what to do. She couldn't be there for Beca right now, not the way Beca needed her to be. So she let her arm drop, walked the last few feet to Beca, and placed a feather light kiss to her cheek before slipping out the door. Beca had closed her eyes at the feeling of Chloe's lips on her cheek, praying it wouldn't be the last time she felt those lips, and refused to open them until she heard the door click shut. She slumped to the floor, letting the sobs wrack her body until she couldn't cry any more and dragged herself into bed.
Chloe must have walked the whole campus twice before her brain stopped it's musical assault on itself. It was getting late and she really just wanted her bed at this point. Soft and warm. Except tonight it would be empty. No Beca to keep her warm. No Beca to cuddle with. And that was all her fault. But she and Beca had only been together for a month, and only officially a couple for a week. Not that anything had really changed since Beca had officially asked her to be her girlfriend; they had basically been acting like a couple since the very beginning. It wasn't really that things were moving too fast for Chloe, that hadn't bothered her until she was faced with the one truth she just couldn't bring herself to accept yet. She was in love with Beca Mitchell. Chloe reached this conclusion as she neared her apartment building. It was odd, feeling her heart swell with happiness while her brain exploded with confusion and doubt. Yes, she was in love with Beca. But what did that mean for her? Who was she? She didn't know anymore. Chloe had never really questioned anything fundamental about herself by this point in her life, she had never needed to do so. She knew exactly who she was, what she wanted, and what made her happy. Now, the last two questions were easy to answer. She wanted Beca; Beca was who made her happy. Happier than Chloe had ever been before, which was really saying something considering the unfalteringly positive outlook Chloe generally had on life.
The first question, however, was what had her brain working overtime and her stomach in knots. She had begun questioning herself when she and Beca had first started dating, but had then shoved those thoughts to the back of her mind. She hadn't planned on dealing with them just yet. Except now she had to deal with them. Before walking into her building, Chloe stopped to take one last look at the moon. It had been guiding her all night, lighting her way. Now, it appeared as if there was almost a rainbow ringing it. Chloe scoffed bitterly, the moon sure did have a sense of humor, and went up to her apartment. She quickly poured herself three shots of whiskey, downing them all before heading to bed. There was no way she was going to get to sleep on her own tonight, and she was tired of thinking. It had been a terrible day, and all she wanted was for it to be over. She would tackle the rest of her issues in the morning.
Chloe awoke the next morning to the sound of music and singing, along with the smell of waffles, coming from the kitchen. She threw on her favorite hoodie before realizing it smelled like Beca and ripping it off. She couldn't handle that right now. The redhead quickly found another hoodie, one that had just been washed, and made her way into the kitchen where she found Aubrey and Stacie making breakfast together.
"Good morning, Chloe!" Aubrey greeted her extra cheerfully. Aubrey was always a morning person, but Stacie was really working wonders on her happiness levels. Chloe knew the two had become close and she could see Aubrey starting to relax a little more in everything she did. Stacie was a good influence on Aubrey, and that made Chloe happy.
"Morning, guys." Chloe rasped back, her voice hoarse from crying. It was then that Aubrey and Stacie both turned to take in her appearance, noting the red rimming her eyes and the makeup smudged around them. Aubrey walked over and pulled Chloe into a hug, thinking this was just about her nodes. She hadn't seen her roommate last night, but had just assumed Chloe stayed late at Beca's or had even spent the night since that was a frequent occurrence. But the ferocity with which Chloe hugged her back alerted her that something else had to be wrong. When Chloe started shaking slightly with silent sobs, Aubrey pulled back to see tears falling from her eyes.
"Hey, hey. What's wrong, Chlo?" Aubrey's voice was laced with concern. She knew there was something that Chloe wasn't telling her. At that moment, the song that was playing ended and "Just The Way You Are" came on. Chloe just turned to stare at the speakers with a blank expression before begging Aubrey to turn it off and slumping to the floor.
"Chloe, talk to me, what happened?" Aubrey knelt in front of her best friend, hands resting on her shoulders.
"I…Beca…" Chloe started crying harder, pulling her knees up against her chest and making herself as small as possible.
"Damnit, Chlo. I knew that fucking midget was no good!" Aubrey practically screamed. She shot up, grabbed her keys, and paused at the door.
"Stace, just stay with Chloe, please. I'll be back after I kill that hobbit." Aubrey snapped.
"Bree, wait, we don't – " Stacie tried to get out, but Aubrey had already left, slamming the door behind her. Stacie turned the stove off, abandoning the food, and sat down on the floor next to Chloe. She put her arm around the older girl and pulled her against her. Chloe seemed a little shell-shocked by what had just happened and she knew she should have stopped Aubrey but she just couldn't process quickly enough. She didn't think of any of the logical ways to get Aubrey to come back, to explain what she had done. She kept thinking how she should say something, anything, but how do you say "Oh, so my unbelievable girlfriend told me she loved me and I panicked and left?" Chloe didn't know. She was ashamed of herself. Ashamed of how she was behaving. But she felt trapped.
"Chlo…what happened?" Stacie asked softly, interrupting Chloe's thoughts. Stacie knew exactly how Beca felt about Chloe, so she was skeptical to believe the tiny brunette had purposefully done anything to hurt their favorite ginger. Beca was emotionally closed off, but behind those walls was the sweetest, most caring person Stacie knew.
"Beca told me she loves me." Chloe said, her voice devoid of emotion. She had her head resting against Stacie's shoulder and just looked down, pulling her knees tighter against her.
"Okay…" Stacie kept her voice soft, encouraging Chloe to continue.
"I didn't say it back." Again, no emotion. It seemed like the redhead was just drained.
"Why not?" Stacie was genuinely curious. She had seen the way the couple was around each other, they were so obviously in love it was almost painful to watch.
"I…don't know."
"Do you love her?"
"It's not that simple…" Chloe sighed, sitting up a little. She wasn't enjoying this conversation. It was only serving to make her feel worse.
"What do you mean?" Stacie was fully confused now. And a little angry. Beca had opened herself up completely to this girl and then this happens? It wasn't fair. She knew life wasn't fair, but still. Beca was a good person who had bad things happen to her. She deserved something good.
"I'm not…I've never…ugh. I'm not gay. Or I wasn't. Maybe I am. I don't know. It's all just too much to handle." Chloe blurted out before she could stop herself.
"Chloe, it's okay. Coming out to yourself can be hard, but don't push Beca away. She doesn't open up to people easily, trust me. We've been friends for years now, and it took me a long time to get through her barriers. Although I'm sure my boobs helped with that. Stacie winked, trying to make Chloe laugh. Chloe, on the other hand, missed the joke and pulled away from Stacie completely, eyes wide in shock and mouth slightly open.
"…you and Beca….?" She couldn't even form complete sentences. She hadn't really thought of Beca's past sexual history, especially not with anyone she knew.
"Oh my god, no! No, no, no." Stacie shook her head furiously.
"Becs is hot and all, but no. I think she just had a crush on me in high school, but I much prefer blondes." Stacie winked again, obviously referring to Aubrey.
"Oh, right…" Chloe visibly relaxed.
"I would say you should call Aubrey and call her off, but she left her phone here…" Stacie said, eyeing Aubrey's phone that was lying on the counter.
"Beca already hates me, I doubt Aubrey could make it worse. I just hope she isn't too hard on her…" Chloe sighed in a defeated tone.
"Beca does not hate you. I haven't talked to her yet but she could never hate you. Beca looks at you like you're the moon and the sun and the stars all wrapped into one. Sometimes I have to set rules for her not to talk about you when we hang out because otherwise I think she would never shut up about whatever cute thing you did that day or how 'staggeringly beautiful,' you are, and that's a direct quote." Stacie put her arm around Chloe once more, trying to comfort her distraught friend.
"I feel like I fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I'm trapped and can't fix it." Chloe buried her face into her hands, shaking her head at herself.
"I'm not going to lie, you probably did some significant damage, but you can fix it. You're not trapped, not really. Just inside your head. Take a few days, think it through, just don't forget how much you obviously love her." Stacie smiled encouragingly at Chloe, who simply nodded.
"BECA FUCKING MITCHELL YOU OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" Aubrey was pounding on Beca's door while yelling loud enough for the whole hall to hear her. She was enraged enough not to care that it was 9 AM on a Sunday and most people were probably still sleeping. She heard shuffling coming from inside the room and crossed her arms, waiting for Beca to answer the door. It finally swung open, revealing the tiny freshman looking much like Chloe – red-rimmed eyes, smudged makeup, and anoversized hoodie (this one was actually Chloe's, Beca had slept in it because it still smelled like her.).
"What the FUCK did you do to Chloe?!" Aubrey was still yelling, not even taking her time to come into Beca's dorm. Beca just stared at her with broken eyes, looking even smaller in that moment, before tears slipped from her eyes at the mention of the redhead.
"Beca I swear if you don't tell me what the hell you did to my best friend I will – " Aubrey began before Beca cut her off.
"I told her I love her." Beca choked out, tears still falling steadily but quietly from her eyes.
"Then WHY is she sobbing in our apartment over you?!" Aubrey snapped, clearly befuddled but still angry. It had to be Beca's fault, there's no way Chloe was the one who fucked this up. Chloe was way too upset for this to be her fault.
"I don't know, she doesn't even love me." Beca's voice was so soft Aubrey had to strain to hear her, and her jaw dropped before Beca gently shut the door. Aubrey stood there for another few minutes, still trying to comprehend what Beca had just told her. Maybe she should have gotten the whole story from Chloe before storming over here…she spun on her heels and made her way back to their shared apartment. When she got there, she found Stacie alone on the couch.
"Chloe's in the shower." Stacie turned her head so she could see Aubrey and waved her over.
"What happened with Beca?" She asked as Aubrey settled in next to her. Aubrey just sighed and was silent for a few minutes.
"I…well I kind of yelled at her a little and she told me she said 'I love you' to Chloe and apparently Chloe didn't say it back…Is that true? Did Chloe say anything to you?" Aubrey had the good grace to be ashamed of her brash conclusions.
"Yeah, Chloe told me the same thing," Stacie laced their fingers together and rested her head on Aubrey's shoulder.
"Why didn't Chloe say it back?" Chloe was one of the most emotionally available people Aubrey had ever met, so this curveball was one she hadn't been expecting. At all.
"I think you should talk to her about it. It sounds like she's just scared." Stacie nuzzled into Aubrey's neck, throwing her legs across Aubrey's lap.
"I'll ask if she wants to talk when she gets out of the shower. Maybe you should go see Beca, she looked so broken when I was there…. I feel really bad about that now. I'll apologize to her tomorrow. I just…I was so sure she had done something to hurt Chloe…" Aubrey's words were a little shaky and Stacie knew exactly how hard it was for the blonde to say that.
"I'll head over there in a little bit. But I'm proud of you, Bree, for admitting that." Stacie lifted her head to kiss Aubrey's cheek and smiled at her.
"What can I say, you're making me a better person." Aubrey fused their lips in a gentle kiss, cutting it short when they heard the bathroom door open and Chloe walked into the room, freshly showered and clothed. Stacie swung her legs off Aubrey and stood up.
"Well, that's my cue. We both have best friends to talk to right now." She gave Aubrey another quick peck on the lips, gave Chloe another hug, and made her way over to Beca's.
