I hadn't seen her in days. No one had. She hadn't left her quarters. The only sign of life was the constant, faint hum of her music. She didn't even acknowledge her door. I didn't know, I hadn't tried to visit, but I'd heard firsthand accounts from Spock who had heard from Uhura, and who had tried himself. And Bones.
They were all allowed to worry about her, to care about her, and yet I was not. It didn't make sense to me. I might be the Captain, but I'm entitled to a little happiness, and god forbid, love as well.
I missed her. I really did, even though her face, and those shinning eyes with tears about to fall haunted me every night since I'd taken Lt. Sanick to dinner. Three days, and I could barely function. I caught myself repeating orders; forgetting my responsabilities. I was undeniably distracted. Not to mention Lt. Sanick, was a complete nut.
I had been hopeful that she would catch the drift that it was a one nighter, that I was just living up to my young legend. That I was being the Jim Kirk everyone knew from the Academy. She had not. She left me notes, and communications constantly. I had successfully avoided her for three days. I knew luck could only hold out so long, so it was my top priority to have her reassigned to another ship, or a space station, or even in some capacity on a Federation Planet.
I finished up my ship log, with a little less enthusiasm than usual, and headed to lunch. Meals were a dangerous time. Half the crew ate at the same time, and I had a fifty percent chance of running into Lt. Sanick. Christ, I didn't even know her first name, and honestly, I didn't really care. She was a mistake, and quite possibly the biggest mistake of my life.
I joined Spock, Bones and Uhura at lunch. It was the usual conversation, at least the usual since I broke Jordan's heart. Except, today was different. Today was very different because not fifteen minutes since I sat down did she come loping into the room, pale, and tear stained, holding her laptop carefully. She came straight to our table, ignoring me.
"This is why I'm here." She said, her voice weak, but obviously satisfied with herself for find the answer. She set her laptop on the table and clicked a few buttons, and turned the screen to face Spock and I. On the screen were pictures I hadn't gotten around to snooping through. They were in a folder that didn't imply fun, they were in a folder that implied work. At the time I hadn't been interested in her work.
Now I was, deeply intrigued.
She spoke when she realised she had our full attention, Bones and Uhura went and stood behind us to look at the screen, effectively blocking it from the view of everyone else in the dining hall, for which I appreciated.
"I didn't put it together until last night." She said softly. "I saw a picture of this ship, in Sick Bay....and it didn't clue in. I think it was the shock of well, everything." She paused, and took a deep breath. "The ruins I found....are this ship. NCC-1701." She finished as she flipped to the picture clearly displaying the numbers that I knew were on my ship, my Enterprise.
"I don't know much about the weaponry of this time, but those beamy things...umm...phasers...would they leave burn marks such as these?" she asked flipping to another photograph. Spock nodded, as he studied the photograph. "Would such weapons leave holes such as this?" she flipped to another photo. We all nodded, in rapture.
"I don't know when, I don't know why, and I don't know who, but I can say, it was quite a battle." She murmured. "There were no traces of the lower part of the ship, the engine rooms I guess. At least not in a hundred mile radius of where I found this. If they had I would've seen something on sat photos."
We were all speechless as her photographs continued to play through on the screen. After a few moments, she closed the screen of her computer, picked it up and tucked it under her arm, and made to exit the dining hall.
I couldn't even chase after her, I could think of nothing but my Enterprise, a wreck that she found, in the past. This was just, too peculiar. Well, maybe not, meeting Spock's older self was peculiar, this was just, well, unexpected.
It never occurred to me that my ship, had done me a huge favour, that my ship was the gift that kept on giving.
Seeing him, eating his lunch with his friends was hard. Just seeing him was hard. Just being close to him, and I felt like I was about to crash and burn again. But I couldn't. I had a very interesting, and scary discovery to show them.
After crying myself to sleep I reverted back to my old self. I gave myself a project and I worked tirelessly at it until I was satisfied. I had figured out how I came to be in the future on this ship. Except, I still wasn't sure of the most basic questions we try to answer in science – How?
How did this spaceship end up a wreck and a ruin in my time, on my earth? I couldn't answer that. I was fairly certain, neither could Spock, or Bones, Uhura or Kirk. They looked at me speechless.
I found myself looking in to his blue eyes and that was all I could handle. I ended my 'dissertation' on what I thought happened, closed my computer and made a quick escape. No one followed.
I headed straight back to my quarters. I was starting to feel cooped up, but it was for the best. I didn't need to be out and about and risk running in to him. It was bad enough that I had to go and talk to him, and it was bad enough that those blue eyes made me want to curl up in a ball and cry again.
It was bad enough that those blue eyes, that belonged to the man I loved could bring me to my knees.
I needed to know what happened to the Enterprise; I wish I had had more time to study the wreck. I wish I had taken time to look on the inside instead of focusing so much time and energy on the exterior. Woulda, shoulda, coulda.
Another day past, and finally I admitted that I was bored, and needed something to do. I decided to face the world, or the crew. I would run the risk of running in to him, but it was a chance I had to take before I went mad.
I was relatively shocked no one, not even Spock had stopped by since my revelation in the dining hall to discuss it further. So instead I sought him out.
I tried Uhura's quarters and found that I made a good guess, he was there. They invited me in. Uhura was visibly happy to see me, and did not waste time in pulling me for a hug, and to tell me that I could talk to her about anything. I knew she already knew what happened. If she only knew how it hurt.
"Spock... I need something to do." I said to him, not looking at his face. I was embarrassed by Uhura's out pouring of love and sympathy. He said nothing so I continued, "I need something to keep my brain active. I need something to study. Anything. Just give me a goddamn reason to live." I finished in a whisper.
He nodded, "I will come and see you tomorrow and provide you with a task. Is this agreeable?".
I nodded, "Thank you. Thank you."
"Captain, permission to speak?" Spock said as we sat in a small room off the bridge reviewing the latest information from Star Fleet.
I nodded; it wasn't as typical as one might think for my Commander to be so formal, which led me to believe he was going to tell me something either personal, or something I wasn't going to like.
"It's Dr. Grady, "he began as I instantly perked and stared at him, waiting for him to continue, " She's asked me to give her a task. Something to do to keep her brain active/distracted. In her words, ' anything, just give me a goddamn reason to live."
I said nothing. Spock continued. "I am concerned for her well being. She does not eat. And it is apparent she does not sleep. I fear she may be depressed."
I said nothing.
"I believe, as Nyota has said, that our 'teasing' of you, have led to her broken heart. I believe that her broken heart has led to the unhappy state that you are currently experiencing. Her broken heart has made you more distracted than when you were both happy."
I looked at Spock now, half expecting him to continue his speech, I was not disappointed. "I believe that that logic does not exist in this situation. Logically, you should not be distracted now that the item of distraction his removed, and yet you are more so...." he trailed off.
"Love, Spock, is completely illogical." I finished for him, my voice raw with emotion.
I gave Spock an assignment to give to Jordan. It was something I hoped would make her happy and would force her to be out and amongst the crew. It would enable Bones to keep an eye on her; I wanted to know if she really was well. Spock had brought up a valid point. She wasn't eating, at least not when everyone else was, and it was apparently in her brief visit to the dining hall that she wasn't sleeping.
She'd been so pale. She looked so fragile, like those antique dolls my mother had. She had looked like a porcelain doll, except there wasn't a bright splash of colour on her cheeks. She'd been completely pale. Her lips looked even more red and plump, and her eyes, they stood out like glittering jewels in the sun.
I loved Jordan Grady, woman from the past, the woman of my hearts present, and if I could win her back, on my heart and soul, she would be the woman of my future. The only one.
I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Some say that admitting things to yourself is the first step. It's true, it's the first step, a huge step. I might've made a huge mistake, but I could fix it. Absolutely. There is nothing that cannot be done with a little effort and perseverance. I'm famous for it.
I just needed a plan of attack.
