Author's Note: If you have been enjoying this story thus far, please try reading my Escaflowne one-shot "Expression." Thank you!

Disclaimer: I do not own "Tenkuu no Escaflowne," its characters, or its story plot. They belong to their respectable owners and creators.


Memory of Yesterday
Memory
XI: Shining Knight, White Dragon


Gaddes, with his hand on top of Celena's head, brushed her forehead with his thumb while holding vigil over her bed. The young woman rested motionlessly, her breathing slow and steady. Her eyes closed in restful slumber, Celena glowed beneath the moonlight. Her fair hair caught the subtle silver rays while her pale nightgown gave off an ethereal radiance. Celena's elegant and delicate beauty reminded Gaddes of the fabled sea sirens: beautiful and dangerously alluring.

However, at this point, that was not his main concern.

"Thank goodness you're safe," Gaddes sighed gratefully as he held Celena's hand. "Thank the gods you're safe," he repeated to himself over and over again.

His thoughts went backwards some hours ago, when Basram had secretly attacked Fanelia. Gaddes had just drifted to sleep when the sounding alarms had awoken him. Immediately he had raced to Celena's room to check on her but found her missing—that and a sword off of an unconscious guard nearby. Assuming the worst, the Asturian soldier had raced towards Celena's anticipated target and luckily had intercepted her before she got too far.

"Celena, stop this!" Gaddes had shouted while blocking her path towards Van's chambers. "This isn't you! You care about His Majesty!"

"Feh, you do love to get in my way, don't you?" Celena had scoffed with cold red eyes. She had gripped the stolen sword by her side, her hand ready to draw the blade at any moment against anyone...even him. "Honestly, why don't you just go die? I have business I need to take care of with the Dragon—business that's been waiting for eight long rotations. Your precious little Celena can wait."

"Celena," Gaddes had begged while drawing his sword. "Please, you don't want to do any of this. This isn't want you want!"

"Celena isn't here," Dilandau had answered with a snap. "And she won't be for a while. Once I make her see what we really are, she won't ever leave me alone again." He had thrown his head back and cackled victoriously. "She'll be completely mine, one way or another." His demonic face had lit up with a smirk. "Oh, yes, dear pretty Celena will be all mine, and she'll never leave me alone again. Once I kill the Dragon, she'll never think of him again…and she'll finally be all mine! I'll never be alone again!"

Before Gaddes could have argued, Dilandau had drawn his sword and attacked. Sidestepping him, Gaddes had caught the oncoming blade and had knocked it out of his attacker's hand. Not going down the same way he had last time, Dilandau had brought up his leg and had kicked Gaddes in the stomach. The wind knocked out of him, the older man had fallen to his knees while trying to catch his breath. The silver-haired beast had wasted no time to make his escape.

Unfortunately for him, Gaddes had been a much better soldier than anticipated. Despite his difficulty with breathing, the Asturian had managed to grab Dilandau's ankle and to trip him in mid-run. While the demon of Zaibach recovered from a sore face and numb knees, Gaddes had risen to his feet. He then had grabbed Dilandau by the wrists, had dragged him a few feet, and had pinned him against the wall.

"Let go, bastard!" Dilandau had screamed while thrashing against Gaddes' strong hold. "Let me go and kill that damn Dragon!"

"Stop it! Celena, I know you're stronger than this! This isn't you at all. This isn't the woman I know. You aren't the one I've known these last eight rotations," Gaddes said through gritted teeth into her ear. He had to use his full force to keep Dilandau from escaping him. "This isn't the lady I love."

Wide cerulean eyes had turned to Gaddes. The struggling had stopped. "What?"

"I love you," he had repeated.

He was not sure if it had been the shock of his words that had revived her or the possibility of his feelings reaching her. It did not matter: Celena had returned to normal immediately after that and Dilandau was once more subdued. Fortunately for Gaddes, the young woman had fainted after she had regained control of her consciousness. She had no chance to ask questions that he did not want to answer.

With ease he had collected Celena into his arms and had lifted her from the ground. For the duration of the Basram attack, Gaddes had kept Celena safely tucked away in the palace until Van had driven back or had captured their enemies. Once safe to walk about again, the sergeant had carried his charge to a clean bed and laid her there to rest.

Since then he had not moved from Celena's side in nervous anticipation. What if she woke up in a panic? What if she did not remember her last spell, as was the usual case? What if she drew dreadful conclusions when she had not done anything too much this time around? To keep Celena from possibly harming herself or shouldering unnecessary blame, Gaddes had to be beside her when she opened her eyes. But waiting was not easy.

During his long wait, Gaddes had decided on something.

He would tell her the truth.

"Gaddes?" a soft voice murmured as a slender hand reached out into the air.

Taking her hand, he murmured, "I'm right here."

Celena smiled when she heard his familiar voice and felt the warmth of his hand. Her smile grew when she saw him beside her bed. Simply with his presence she felt safe. "Gaddes, I'm so glad you're here…I had a nightmare again." She sat up and tried to shake away the sleepiness and the hazy images from her dreams. She used the feeling of Gaddes' larger and rougher hand to anchor her to reality. "I dreamed that someone had taken over me and I—I almost hurt you again."

"Almost" would be an understatement, Gaddes thought with a wince. Dilandau lived up to his reputation as a demon…even after eight rotations without training and using Celena's body no less, the devil had cracked at least one of Gaddes' ribs with his side-kick. Hopefully, the sergeant prayed, all of that violent strength belonged to Dilandau alone or else he would have to watch his behavior around Celena.

"But I'm so relieved," Celena giggled quietly to herself in her happiness. "It was just a dream."

I'm sorry I have to do this to you, My Lady. As gently as he could, Gaddes pulled his hand out of Celena's and moved a little away from her. A solemn look filled his handsome face. Steeling himself against all of his personal feelings and hers, Gaddes confessed, "I'm afraid, Miss, that it wasn't a dream."

Visibly the young Schezar stiffened. Her delicate hands trembled while they clutched at the sheets. "What?"

His shoulders sagging, he said remorsefully, "You didn't dream about Dilandau, Celena. He's real… he's you."

"What are you talking about, Gaddes?" the young woman laughed half-heartedly. "What can you possibly mean by—"

"When you returned to the Commander after the Great Gaean War, he wanted you to start a new life. He didn't want you to be troubled by your past or what Dilandau did because he thought you weren't the same person at all." Really and truly, Gaddes felt guilty for revealing this dreadful truth to Celena; however, he knew that she could not go on without knowing. She could not continue living and being herself if she did not confront the devil inside of her.

"The two of you lived different lives, and your life had been paused since you were kidnapped. So everyone promised Commander that we wouldn't say anything about your past or what happened to you from that time you went missing until the end of the Great Gaean War."

Tonelessly Celena demanded, "Why hide it from me?"

"To keep your safe: physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are many people that wouldn't hesitate to kill you if they knew the truth, Miss. And Commander wanted to protect you—he didn't want you living with the sins Dilandau committed during the war or reliving the terrible moments that you experienced to become him."

"But Brother couldn't protect me, could he?" Celena stared down at her pale hands. A shiver swept through her body as she remembered moons and moons on end of horrific scenes of violence and murder. And the hate—the fiery, everlasting hate that burned darkly in the depths of her heart: it usually flamed fiercely for the Dragon. But right now, Celena could not help but to hate her brother and Gaddes. "No, no one, not even Brother or you, could protect me from my dreams, from myself."

Gaddes bowed his head in shame, hearing the anger laced in the lady's voice. "I wish I could stop them for you, Miss. All of those nightmares that you've been having for so long, they're exactly the same as the memories that Commander and Lord Van have of Dilandau. So even though we had known, we had hoped that they would eventually cease as you made a new life for yourself." The two sat quietly in silence for a moment, one trying to understand her new reality, the other patiently waiting for her.

When Celena had a less conflicted expression, Gaddes gently continued, "All of those moments where you black out or where you do something you don't think you're yourself…"

"That's when I'm him, isn't it?"

"Yes." Gaddes sighed. "I really wanted to protect you from him. But I knew…I knew that keeping everything from you wouldn't do anything either. I couldn't watch you in pain over this anymore."

And that was when Celena realized the gravity of the situation, and her fury towards him evaporated.

Gaddes, as well as everyone around her, had sworn to her older brother to never reveal the past to her. By breaking that oath, Gaddes could suffer any punishment that Allen felt he rightly deserved: revoke his friendship and protection, demote him from being sergeant, remove him from Castelo and the Crusade Crew, or even take his life. And without a doubt, Allen had more faith and trust in Gaddes than anyone in Asturia. When they saw her brother again, he would immediately know that she had been told everything. This betrayal would scar her brother deeply.

And there had always been the chance that Celena would hate Gaddes forever.

But despite the possible and likely consequences he would suffer, Gaddes had confessed to her. He told her the truth because, as he said, he could not bear to watch her suffer anymore. As she thought this, Celena gazed at Gaddes with tears in her blue eyes, her heart filled to the brim with pity and gratitude. "But you told me." Rising from her bed, she went to him and hugged Gaddes. "You told me the truth. I know what you're risking by telling me this. I understand. If Brother finds out that you broke your word, you can lose everything, Gaddes." She held him closer. "But you told me the truth, and I'm happy."

Pushing Celena away slightly, the soldier intently stared at her. "But can you accept it?"

"What?"

"Can you really accept the truth? Dilandau killed many people, Celena, usually in cold blood." Gaddes hated doing this to her, telling her and reminding her of the monster inside; however, he needed her to understand exactly who that demon was. Gaddes needed Celena to understand everything if she was to recover from all of this. "He's tried to kill your brother and His Majesty several times and has almost succeeded…Not to mention that he completely hates Miss Hitomi. These are people that you care deeply about, Celena. Can you face that awful history you have with them? Can you accept that part of yourself?"

"As long as you're with me, I can do it." Understanding Gaddes' intent, Celena held his hand with an air of confidence and overwhelming feeling. "As long as you're by my side, I know that I'll be able to get through this, just like in the past."

"Celena—"

"I love you, Gaddes."

He froze, frightened of Celena's words. Did she say what he thought she said? No, no, it was impossible for her to mean it in the way he wanted…but the gaze of her eyes said differently. No, Gaddes thought with remorse, you can't fall in love with me. I'm the last man you can have. You don't really want me, Celena. You just think you're in love with me because of what I've done…Had it been anyone else, you would love him too.

"Gaddes?"

The older man turned away from Celena while muttering, "I'm sorry." He immediately stood up and left the room.


His gaze sweeping across his lands, the King of Fanelia scowled at the newly wrought destruction upon his land. They had only recently recovered from the disaster eight rotations ago—now the people of Fanelia had to deal with this. No longer seeing any active Guymelefs within the capital, Van piloted Escaflowne towards the largest square within the city. His men had cleared a space especially for the white draconic defender. "Have you rounded up the remaining invaders?" Van demanded as he exited Escaflowne after returning it to its armor form.

"Almost, Your Majesty," Head General Arzugl responded. "Soldiers are making their final rounds in the city as we speak."

"And the palace?"

"I was about to go myself."

"No need," Van said. "Go and help the soldiers and take a full account of what we've lost. I want the civilians returned to their homes as soon as possible and the dead properly buried and respected. After receiving the account, then make arrangements to follow the invaders and send messengers to our allies. No one leaves or enters Fanelia without my sole permission."

"At once, Your Majesty."

"You, there," Van called out to a group of soldiers. "Stand guard of Escaflowne and direct civilians as best you can as they pass by here. Anyone who looks foreign, detain them until General Arzugl returns."

"As you command."

As Van stormed into the palace, he ordered directions right and left. He assigned different people to each position, clearing them from the chaos caused by the attack. While he organized the people and ordered that space be created at the city's center for a temporary hospital, he searched the faces for Hitomi. Van prayed to the gods that Hitomi was all right.

How great was his relief when he saw her safe and in one piece in front of his chambers.

But just as he felt great relief, Van felt a stab at his heart when he saw her collapsed on the ground sobbing uncontrollably. When he noticed Mamoru cradling Naria's limp body, the Fanelian king pieced together what must have happened. Just as he returned his attention towards Hitomi, their eyes met and the world froze.

Their hearts connected, and they felt what the other felt. Van sensed Hitomi's overwhelming sadness while she sensed his outreaching love and comfort: now if only they could convey all these things through physical touch. Van took a step towards her but could not take another; someone called out to him. "Lord Van!" a young soldier shouted. "Lord Van, the prisoners have been assembled and we're awaiting your orders. Also, Miss Merle needs assistance collecting supplies for the infirmary. Master Ruhm has also arrived with his tribe to assist in the hunt—and General Saizen needs your approval to—"

Torn, Van stared at the expectant messenger babbling on and on and then turned his gaze back towards Hitomi. The king frowned when he saw Hiigo embracing the heartbroken woman and whispering words of gentle comfort. I want to go to her…I want to erase that sadness in her eyes. But someone's with her—and she's not alone, Van thought. As much as he wanted to be with Hitomi, he could not neglect his destined duty towards his people. Before he could be a lover, he had to be king. "I'm coming," Van said with a tinge of regret while following his soldier.

From over Hiigo's shoulder, Hitomi watched Van walk away from her silent plea. Even though she desperately wanted Van to hold her and comfort her instead of Hiigo, she could not call out to him. No matter how much she wished, Van Fanel could not be the lover he had been during their journey to Fanelia. Born as a prince forced to take the weight of the crown at an early age, Van had already been married to his country for many rotations now. His love for Hitomi, if any existed, would always come second to his love for Fanelia.

Adding this realization with the loss of Naria, Hitomi fell into hopeless despair and held herself against Hiigo.


He doesn't feel the same, Celena sighed silently. Gaddes doesn't love me.

And why did that surprise her? Who did she think she was, assuming that Gaddes would automatically love her without a doubt? Despite popular belief, Gaddes was very popular amongst the ladies…The celebration a few days ago indicated enough of how women sought after the sergeant's attention. So why had Celena presumed that he would choose her above the rest? Simply because he had treated her special?

"He was only doing what Brother told him to do," Celena reminded herself aloud. "That and Gaddes is very kind-hearted." Gaddes' look of shock and disdain flashed before her eyes. She could remember the sight of the man's back as he had walked away from her. Dropping her face into her hands, Celena cursed her misfortune. "And whatever relationship we had is ruined because of me."

She shook her head away from those thoughts and slapped her cheeks in reprimand. At a moment like this, she could not afford to pity herself. Her unrequited feelings—they would have to wait for a later time. She would figure what to do with her romantic life after resolving how she would actually live from here on forward. Celena had much to make up for, especially to the people she loved the most. According to Gaddes, she had tried to kill the people closest to her; and thank Jeture that she had not succeeded.

However, could the same be said for the countless many others she had slain as her alter-ego?

"But what can I do?" Celena fretted while remembering little pieces of Dilandau's hellish past. "What can I do to atone for my sins?"

How could she help the Dragon and the Girl from the Mystic Moon? Already two days had passed since the surprise attack on Fanelia: two days since Celena had properly seen anyone. Obviously Van had his hands full keeping his country going and repairing whatever damage Fanelia had suffered; Gaddes was helping as much as he could while fulfilling his duties as a liaison between Asturia and Fanelia; Merle was single-handedly running the refugee camp at the center of the city; and Hitomi and Mamoru had been put away for safety. How could Celena help these people if she did not interact with them?

Before she could expand on those thoughts, Merle appeared at her doorway.

"Here you are." The cat woman released a sigh of relief. "I've been looking all over for you."

Celena offered a warm smile. "Ah, it's good to see you, Merle."

"Yes, the same could be said for you," she agreed quickly. From the doorway she waved Celena to come with her. "But we don't have the time to chitchat. I need your help."

Here's a chance! Celena obediently stood up, followed Merle down the hallway, and asked, "What is the matter?"

"Hitomi is sick."

There was a gasp. "Sick?"

"She hasn't eaten anything these last two days," Merle sighed worriedly. "She barely got through the funeral for Naria… and I'm afraid she's wasting away." But she can't, Merle thought determinedly. Lord Van can't lose Hitomi like how he lost Lady Varie all those years ago. I won't let her give up like this. She tightened her fist. I refuse to let her give up like this!

"How can I help?"

"Whatever you can possibly do, that would be helpful," Merle said somewhat desperately. It relieved her immensely to hear Celena so willing to aid her. "Especially if you can get her to eat anything: she'll die if we don't." She felt a pang of guilt as she said this. "I should have been watching her more carefully... Perhaps then she wouldn't have become this depressed."

"No, you've been very busy these days with helping Fanelia," Celena assured. "Your homeland needs you, and you've been attending to your countrymen. There's no way you could give attention solely to one person when there are so many more in need of you. I'm just sorry I haven't helped you and Hitomi sooner."

"Like you said, it can't be helped," the cat woman quickly responded. It was not necessary for Celena to feel responsible for any of this. "We're all at our ends trying to get this place back together before anything else happens."

Quickly they went to Hitomi's room where the young woman sat in her bed in a withdrawn form. Even with the large windows wide open and the warm breeze fluttering into the room, Hitomi's dismal air permeated and choked everything. Simply looking at her had Celena aching in sympathy. And ever loyally and lovingly, Hiigo sat beside the blank woman, holding her hand in efforts to comfort her. "She's awake now?" Merle softly questioned while entering.

"She just woke up a minute ago," Hiigo answered. The Fanelian lord then returned his attention to Hitomi and kissed her hand while he begged her to eat something for that day. Merle would have protested against his actions but she remained focused on the task before her: that and the ultimate goal of helping Lord Van's beloved.

"Hitomi, why don't we go outside? It's beautiful today, and some fresh air would be nice, wouldn't it?" the cat woman chirped as had done eight rotations in the past.

There was no reply, only silence and an empty stare towards nothing.

"She's been like this as well: listless and empty," Merle explained to Celena. "It's almost as if there's nothing of her left inside."

Celena could not bear to watch this; she could not watch the woman she had befriended with hopes and dreams fade away in such a pathetic manner. "Lord Hiigo, please pick Hitomi up and follow me."

"What?"

"Please, just do as I say," the Asturian said firmly, already at the doorway.

Reluctantly Hiigo lifted Hitomi from her bed. He wondered what in the world Lady Celena had in mind but figured that she would explain herself as they went along. With his dearly loved lady in his arms, Hiigo followed the Asturian noblewoman outside into the palace gardens.

"Why are we here?" Merle asked when they walked nearer towards the Royal Family's graves. Off to the side of the cemetery, a small grave rested a little distance away. When the four of them reached it, Celena directed Lord Hiigo to put Hitomi down in front of it.

"Hitomi, do you know where we are?" Celena questioned. When she received no response, she continued, "Look, this is where we buried Naria. Do you remember her? Do you remember how she died?"

Appalled by her insensitivity, Hiigo exclaimed, "Lady Celena!"

Ignoring the lord's indignant protests, Celena went on, "It's painful to bear, Hitomi. It's painful to deal with a loved one's death. But do you think Naria would be happy about this?" She crouched down beside her friend and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Do you think she would be happy seeing you like this? Is this how you remember her?"

A tear streaked down Hitomi's cheek.

"Hitomi, Naria would have wanted you to be happy. She would have wanted you to pick yourself up and to remain strong. You must remember that there are people still here who need you. Did you forget Eriya? She's still alive in Freid. When you see her again, will you be like this? You never would have shown her or Naria this side of you."

Clutching Naria's gold and silver goddess charm, Hitomi cried and spoke for the first time. "I'm sorry, Naria. I'm sorry." She reached out to the grave before her and continued apologizing. "Oh, Naria, I'm sorry."

Merle, Hiigo, and Celena stood behind her silently as they watched Hitomi reawaken to her feelings and pour out the part of her heart that she had tried locking away.


"Hey, Boss!" Reeden shouted while running onto the veranda of the new Castelo fort. "This just arrived for you." As the Crusade member rushed onto the scene, his commander continued observing the large map of Asturia and its borders while comparing it to the reports in his hands. Wanting a better response, Reeden added, "It's a message from the Lieutenant!"

"Let's have it," Allen said while keeping his attention on the map before him.

Disgruntled by the plain reaction, the Crusade member sighed hopelessly and opened the message. As he unrolled it, he began reading it. "It says…" His eyes grew wide as saucers. "Fanelia was attacked!"

Allen dropped his pen and looked up immediately at Reeden. "What?"

The other soldiers of Castelo within hearing range stopped their activities and quieted to hear Gaddes' message to Allen. Unable to read out loud from his shaking, Kio took up the message and continued reading for his comrade.

"After arriving in Fanelia, some time later a unit of Guymelefs attacked the capital," Kio read with a gasp. Everyone even outside of the room stopped with their business to listen to the rest of the message. "They tried to kidnap Miss Hitomi but failed. His Majesty fought back the Guymelefs with Escaflowne and is right now interrogating captives. Apparently, they were from Basram. The Lieutenant says that the Miss is safe and well." All of the men released relieved sighs at the news. Collectively the atmosphere felt somewhat more relaxed when Celena's safety was assured. "His Majesty is prohibiting entry into Fanelia without his explicit approval." Kio looked up with a grim face. "This sounds pretty bad, Commander."

"What should we do, Boss?"

Allen frowned at all of this news. "Basram was confident enough to attack Fanelia despite the Alliance's treaty. They were willing to risk everything for this foolish stunt…which means…" Thinking silently for a moment, the Knight Caeli paced about the room with his eyes closed. The air felt heavy with tension, everyone within the room holding his breath for the commander's conclusion and orders. Allen finally opened his sky eyes with a decision made. "Prepare the Crusade. And make sure that Scherezade is ready for battle at any moment. We're going to Fanelia to help Van, and I'm not sure about what trouble we'll run into along the way."

"Right away, Boss!"

"Let's get moving, guys!"

"You heard the Commander!"

"Everyone, get ready the Crusade!"

"Hey, Boss!" Pyle shouted while bursting onto the scene. "The King sent a message!"

"What could it be now?" Allen wondered while checking the seal on the message being handed to him. Just as his man said, it was from Dryden. Quickly breaking the seal and opening the letter, Allen hastily read its contents. His cerulean eyes widened in shock. "Dear gods…"

"Commander?"

"I want the Crusade and everyone prepped and ready to leave within three hours, and not a second later," the Knight Caeli ordered hastily while collecting everything together. He moved about the veranda and the room with a mission. "We have to reach Fanelia before it's too late."

Seeing the seriousness in his usual cool cerulean eyes, the men of Castelo jumped to their feet and rushed to follow Allen's commands.


"She's dead. She's dead because of me." Mamoru growled in rage. He sliced the air as if every stroke could bring her back. "She's dead all because I wanted to change damn fate!" Even though Folken had warned him, even though the older man had shown him the possible results, Mamoru had ignored him and had continued on with his disastrous plan. He had forced a fate at the cost of Naria's life. He had killed his dear friend.

And now, Mamoru did not even know who or what he was.

No, that was not completely true. He knew that he was a monster.

I'm like Dilandau.

The pendant around his neck glowed blood-red and horrific images returned to him. That one, fate-altering day replayed in his mind.

"Mamoru!" Hitomi had called out to him with her hands reaching towards him. "Mamoru! Watch out!"

Blinking away towards another vision, Mamoru watched as an image of himself pushed away his sister. "I hate you!" he had yelled. "I hate you!"

In shame, Mamoru turned away and fought back the tears in his eyes. He did not know whether to feel grateful or further pained when the vision changed to another one of his aching mistakes.

"I'm sorry," Naria had gasped in between her frail breaths. Her hand had weakly held his while her usually bright eyes dulled with every passing second. "I really wanted to spend more time together. So I wish with all of my luck that I'll get to see you again."

No, Mamoru cried while striking through the ghosts that haunted him. No, I didn't mean for you to die! I'm sorry, Naria. It's my fault that you died—it's my fault that you had to pay the price for my mistake. I'm sorry…I'm sorry!

I've become a killer, the Boy from the Mystic Moon cried. I'm exactly like those monsters that killed Naria! In rage he swung his blade through the air, hoping he could slaughter his guilt and misery just as he had killed the attacking men days prior.

"No! Why does it always go back to that?" Mamoru screamed hopelessly.

Exhausted, Mamoru heaved for air while holding his sword limply by his side. Looking at the moonlight streaming around him, he remembered that he was not the only one suffering right now—and that one other he had not seen in days. Mamoru had been avoiding his sister, unable to look at her without feeling immense guilt. Hitomi's precious ward, a child she had treated like a daughter, was dead because of him. When he had seen Hitomi grieving in Hiigo's arms, Mamoru could not bear to be near her.

"Why do I only hurt them?" he shouted while raising his sword above his head with new vigor. He slashed away at the air again. "Why can't I protect anyone? Why can't I do anything right? Why? WHY?"

"If you continue like that, you'll hurt yourself."

Mamoru jerked around in surprise at the sound of the deep voice. "Van! I…I didn't notice you there."

Stepping out of the shadows, the King of Fanelia said plainly, "I know." Van frowned at the rattling sword in Mamoru's hand. "Merle and Gatos tell me that you've been scarce the last few days. No one knows where you go off to by yourself, and they're all a bit worried about you. No one has seen you eat or sleep properly, and they're all wondering if you're even still alive."

Unsurprisingly, Mamoru did not respond. Van had not expected an actual answer, remembering the times when he had felt troubled and had wanted to be left alone. However, Mamoru's haggard appearance and the near-emptiness in his usually bright emerald eyes concerned Van. "What's wrong, Mamoru?"

"Nothing," the young man replied hastily. "Nothing is wrong." He faked his best smile that did not even reach the edge of his eyes. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting some rest or seeing Onee-chan?" He turned away from Van as a dismissal, hoping Fanel would take the cue and leave. "You haven't seen her the last few days, and I know you've seen her with Hii—"

"Sit," Van commanded firmly while confiscating Mamoru's sword and scabbard. He sheathed the blade and sat beside the Boy from the Mystic Moon. "Now, instead of rambling about my issues, tell me what's distracting you. If you fought in this mental state, you would lose your life. And considering the circumstances, we can't afford that. Your blade work was everywhere, as if you weren't even really here. That and you've been avoiding everyone and skipping your meals. And who knows when was the last time you slept. You can't even look me in the eye right now." When Mamoru gave no response, Van sighed in pity. "It's because of Naria, right?"

"She shouldn't have died," Mamoru muttered. He stared at his clenched fists. "She died because of me. I couldn't protect her."

"You did your best, Mamoru. You fought as hard as you could and took down many men—that's not an easy feat, especially for someone unused to war."

"I murdered people, Van." And Mamoru paid the price—his hands, even now as clean as they were, had blood stained deep within. "I murdered them in cold blood, in anger and hate. I see them screaming and bleeding…their faces haunt me." He groaned into his hands. "On Earth, I never would've done anything like that. On Earth, I never would've taken someone else's life."

But you already have, a voice whispered in his thoughts.

"And I've seen him in my dreams."

Van raised a quizzical brow. "Who?"

"Dilandau. I've met him before in my dreams…and I know that's who Celena was before she returned to herself after the Great Gaean War. I've seen the past, his past, and everything that he's done." Mamoru shook his head. "I don't want to become like him."

"You're nothing like him." You're nowhere near like him, Van thought confidently. If you've seen Dilandau's past, you'll see that the one most like him at any point is me. "Mamoru, I can't possibly see any similarity between you and Dilandau."

"When Naria died, I became him," the alien boy argued. "When I cut all those men down, I relished killing them just like Dilandau. I loved it, Van. I loved seeing their agonized faces while I sliced through them, the fear in their eyes when they realized that they were going to die. It made me happy, Van."

"Then why are you in agony right now?" When Mamoru did not answer, Van smiled in hope. "You're nothing like him, Mamoru. If you were like him, you'd be laughing at what happened and thinking nothing more of it. But it scares you and haunts you. You feel compassion and guilt—you understand the weight of a life. You feel the burden of bloodshed and know that killing shouldn't be taken lightly."

There was brief silence before Mamoru said with a frown, "That doesn't change the fact of what I did."

"No, it doesn't, you're right. But Mamoru… You can't afford to feel guilty over this." Van looked at the tight fist clutching the pendant around the boy's neck. "You must be careful with your thoughts and wishes."

"What?"

Van motioned towards the pendant with his amber eyes. "If you're anything like your sister, you'll have the same power as her: the power to change fate. Whatever Hitomi truly desired in her heart happened in reality… sometimes with a grave consequence. The same happened with myself, but I'm nowhere near as powerful as your sister. So don't be consumed with what you've done, Mamoru; don't let it ensnare you because it will destroy you and the others around you."

Mamoru paled. Destroy the others around me? Does he know?

"I'm sure Hitomi has told you this some time in the past," Van said with a small smile, not noticing the younger boy's sudden stiffness. "Gaea is a world of will, created by the Draconians' strongest desires and hopes. By the power of your wishes, Mamoru, anything can happen here. Thus, you have to remain positive and keep faith."

"Keep faith…" Mamoru's thoughts flashed back to what his grandmother had told Hitomi and him time and time again while she still lived. Believe in the people you love, she had said to them. Always believe in them.

Seeing that Mamoru had calmed somewhat, the young king sighed while staring out at the moons. "I'm sorry, Mamoru. I'm sorry that you're here on Gaea, this world where fighting never ends and where bloodshed is a part of survival. I know it's very different from your world, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I've ruined you, the same way I've ruined Hitomi all those rotations ago."

The honey-haired boy frowned and turned to Van in confusions. "Ruined?"

"I remember the change Hitomi went through while she was here. She saw and experienced things she would have never imagined of on Gaea. She lost her innocence, and I know it made life difficult for her on the Mystic Moon. While I still felt a connection with her, I sensed her sadness and understood that she distanced herself from everyone near her. She no longer lived in the world they did."

"You didn't ruin her," Mamoru quickly answered. "You showed her a world that needed her kind of love, her desire for peace." He smiled sadly while he remembered his sister from seven years ago. "You turned her into someone who could love anyone despite the circumstances—she always said that you taught her how to believe the best in everyone." His eyes somewhat misting, Mamoru rubbed them before he could shed a tear. "Because of you, she forgave and loved anyone, no matter what they said or did. She knew how to read my heart… even when I wasn't being honest with her."

Van felt a secret hidden in the boy's words but knew better to press for an explanation.

"And you know what? You shouldn't have to apologize to me for anything." Mamoru stood up. "I should be apologizing to you, if anything. Thanks, Van for listening to me and helping me out. And I'll listen to your advice." Of course he would—he would listen to this Fanel and the elder one now that he knew what would happen otherwise. He could not risk anymore harm happening to those he really cared about. Mamoru laughed sheepishly to hide his discomfort. "It's like you're my older brother already."

"Already huh?" Van chuckled, the king relieved to see Mamoru a little more positive. "So that means I have your approval and permission?"

"You've had it a while back. I already know how much you care about Onee-chan." Again, he lied to Van. How many times would Mamoru lie to him? Without doubt, Mamoru really did respect Van and admired him immensely. The young man wanted Van as a brother-in-law: the king loved him like a brother and loved his older sister entirely with every fiber of his being. So why could Mamoru not tell him the truth? Why couldn't he trust him with that one secret?

I'm a coward, that's why. I can't tell him that I lied about happened, Mamoru shook his head. He walked from the Fanelian king away but stopped in mid step. I can at least do something right for him, he thought. "But you know she doesn't quite know your feelings, Van." Poor Hitomi, who couldn't remember the past, she did not understand Van at all. "You should see my sister… I know you're the one person she wants to see most right now, even if she doesn't know it herself."

Mamoru Kanzaki then ran into the shadows of the darkened palace.


"Lord Hiigo has kept watch over her until recently. He has spent this entire day trying to console My Lady and to hopefully improve her health. After Lady Celena's visit, she began eating again and seems a little better than before. However, My Lady is still very weak and at the edge of health. Only until she was deep in slumber did Lord Hiigo leave her."

Remembering the servants' reports, a dark-haired man walked across the quiet room towards the lady resting in the bed. He tried to keep his jealousy at bay while recalling how pleased the attendants were about Hiigo's affectionate behavior towards Hitomi.

"I've never seen a young man more in love!"

"Did you see how he answered her every need and never left her side?"

"You could tell by his face that no one and nothing mattered more to him than My Lady."

"A good thing too, if you ask me—she needed someone to comfort her and help her get better."

"They're perfect as lovers, don't you think?"

The young royal noticed a chair placed conveniently by the bed—Hiigo's chair. In an act of defiance and indignation, Van walked to the other side of the bed from the chair and stood instead. He knew that he was being petty and jealous, but at least being so soothed him somewhat. As long as the Lord of Arzas had the palace servants in raptures about his constant vigilance over Hitomi, the King of Fanelia would do what he wanted despite how spiteful it seemed.

Shifting his thoughts from jealousy to love, he looked at the woman lying quietly in the bed. Van watched sleeping Hitomi with a pained expression. Tears still stained her face, her features displaying internal pain.

"Hitomi…" He took a delicate hand, lifted it to his lips, and lovingly kissed her slender fingers. "Hitomi, please, get better. You have to get better or else I won't have the confidence to face them," he whispered. "I won't have the confidence to face my people. I won't have the confidence to lead everyone if you're like this, Hitomi."

And at this point, he had none in himself. Many people were dead; there were some new additions to the orphanage; his people were hurt and afraid; the one woman he loved was falling apart. And in that area Van felt the most vulnerable. Why could he not do anything right when it came to Hitomi? Why could he not show her exactly how she made his world, how his existence depended on hers? Why couldn't he put her first like Hiigo had? Why did he feel like he had betrayed the only one he loved like this?

Lifting both her hands and kissing them, the young king despaired. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you." He shook his raven head at his uselessness. "I'm sorry that I didn't rescue you and I'm sorry I couldn't save Naria. Oh, gods, Hitomi, I wish I could have protected you from all of this!" He held her warm palm against his cheek. "I wish I could take away all of this pain from you."

Van then remembered Hiigo—Hiigo who had been beside her, the one who had given her immediate comfort, the one that others believed to be more suited as her lover. His amber eyes flashed with envy and anger while he fought back a growl. Van took a deep breath and gazed back down at Hitomi with sadness and guilt. "And I wish that I could be with you always. I don't want others to take that small space I might have in your heart…But that's my selfish wish that I have no right to want." His large, rough hand rested on top of her head, his thumb gently caressing her forehead and honey tresses. "I have no right to that wish because I can't be with you at every moment—I can't go to you whenever you need me. I have a duty to my people, to my country as its king. Their lives and well-being have been my concern as long as I can remember." He bent down and neared his face towards hers. "But I care for you, Hitomi, believe me, I do."

Pulling up another chair beside the bed, Van sat in it and rested his head on the bed beside Hitomi's arm. As he continued gazing at her while holding her hand, Van promised, "I'm only looking at you, Hitomi, even though it seems I'm not. I only have eyes for you…I only want to see you."

As his red-brown eyes drooped, he murmured tiredly, "Could you ever forgive me, Hitomi, for becoming king? Could you forgive me for having this fate?" Steadily his mind drifted to sleep. "Could you forgive me for being unable to love you like you deserve?"

When she felt his steady breath against her hand and the stillness of his muscled body, Hitomi opened her eyes and looked at the king by her side. With her free hand she brushed ebony locks aside from his handsome face and looked at the man lovingly. Needless to say, her heart still ached from losing Naria and from Van's initial refusal to comfort her. But Van confessing his unwavering love for her dulled most of the pain that she felt. In fact, she felt so happy about Van's love that it did not matter if he still confused her between herself and Hitomi Kanzaki.

The fact remained that he loved her.

"Being a good king isn't something you need forgiveness for, Van." Hitomi bent down and kissed him on the forehead and lied back down to sleep. Clutching Van's hand with their fingers intertwined, Hitomi smiled happily as she returned to the land of slumber. Before she too went unconscious, she whispered, "Thank you, Van, for coming to see me."