"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
I'm so tired by the time we get back to the hotel, my anger has disappeared and alls I have left is a deep sadness, somehow I am going to hurt someone that I care about. I see Colt go into the bathroom to rinse the blood from his hands, Raven's blood a man who apparently loves me. I notice his swollen knuckles and grab the ice bucket, walking slowly down the hallway I fill the bucket I stop briefly outside of Ace's door. Colt refuses to share a hotel room with him, hell if he had his way then we wouldn't be traveling together. I glance back at my ice bucket and shrug knocking on the door, I need to talk to someone and Colt is not the answer for that. The door opens a moment later and I glance away he is only in a towel water dripping down his body. "Sorry I'll come back" he rolls his eyes leaving the door open and walking off I enter the room depositing the ice bucket in the table as he goes back into the bathroom. I take a seat and wonder how it became so awkward to see Ace in a towel, we've showered in the same locker room more times than I can count and now I've made it fucking weird.
When he returns he is dressed and much drier I glance up and then back down at the ground "You're not here to sit there silent and brooding so talk or would it be easier if I started the conversation. I am a fucking screw up, and I should have never started the shit with Colt. I don't know what the fuck to do, I love both of them so how do I fix this mess. Sound about right?" I nod and bite at my lip, my hand running across the back of my neck.
"I thought this would be easy, being with Colt should be easy right? He knows me better than anyone, and Raven is this incredible asshole who has hurt me more than I can even begin to explain. Yet I feel stuck, neither outcome is going to work out for me. If I chose Colt then I lose Raven forever, if I chose Raven then what are the chances I will get to still have Colt in my life? I thought being with Colt would fix things, he would finally see he doesn't love me, and Raven would be jealous. That's fucked up right using my best friend to make another man jealous, knowing even if I hate to admit it Colt loves me. I was not expecting to feel something for Colt, hell I was not expecting him to give a fuck this much. I've messed everything up so bad how the hell do I make it better Ace? I mean Colt would flip if he knew where I was right now and that is just wrong. You have taken care of us, protected us and I screwed it all up with my selfishness I am so beyond sorry. You will never know how sorry I really am on top of that if I chose Raven, Colt is not going to handle it well and he won't let you close enough to help. I feel like I have taken everything from Colt and given nothing back in return. I mean Joe is in fucking love with him, and I pretty much bombed that relationship. Hell I've thrown a pipe bomb into everyone's life and watch the shrapnel affect everyone around me. Yet somehow I've come away clean, loved, I escaped the damage and now I am going to cause more no matter what I do." Ace takes a seat and sighs heavily.
"The shit between us is forgotten, it wasn't completely your fault I could have handled it differently. Colt and I will figure it out in time, do not lose sleep over it Punk. The damage you've caused Colt and Raven is not going to be fixed overnight, and you are very right either way you go someone is going to lose. I think however in the end you and Colt will be okay no matter what, you just need to decided soon the longer you prolong this the more the damage spreads. Have you talked to Joe at all?" Nope haven't done that kind of feels awkward, great every relationship in my life feels awkward. "Talk to him, he is still your friend he may be able to lessen the damage. Using Colt is wrong, I think you know that, however I think you wanted safety and that is what he offers. His love is easy for you, Raven's is like stumbling in the dark over a mine field. Talk it through with me for a bit, tell me what you feel for both of them, what is the difference when you are with them?"
"Colt is like this sunny day, happy, protecting and warm. He is this spark that could ignite make everything come to life but seems to fizzle out before it starts. Raven he is a hurricane, I never know if he is coming or going. I feel the need to take shelter at times but the eye of the storm is so peaceful and so you forget the raging storm around you. He is a flame that burns everything around us, and the only thing that is safe is the two of us. The more destruction the flames cause the more I yearn to be burned in his heat. I don't know if that makes sense, I'm so confused by all of this." Ace is sitting beside of me and he gives me an awkward side hug, and I realize it's because the little drops of water hitting my hand are falling from my eyes.
"If you lost them how would it make you feel?"
"I need Colt in my life, I couldn't imagine not having his ass beside me through this fucking journey, if I lost that I would lose my best friend, the person who can make me laugh, make me happy when everything is fucked up. Losing Raven is like losing half of myself, he clings to my shirt according to Dreamer that he is broken without me and I am not doing much better. I miss everything about him and a future where he is not challenge me, loving me seems so empty and feels like I would be half of a man for the rest of my life." Tears are coming harder, talking it out is showing me some things but making things so much harder.
"I want you to answer without thinking, just what comes to your heart first, not your mind your heart. Do you want the flame, or do you want the spark?"
"The flame, I want the flame, I need the fire to burn me." Oh and that makes it so much worse, there is a man down the hall who would do anything for me and fuck it all I don't want him.
"I think you know your answers, you just need to be strong enough to let him go even if for a little while he is going to be distant, but I think if you work at it you'll come out friends." I nod and double over beginning to sob almost hysterically fuck me this is going to hurt.
"I can't just forgive Raven he has done so much shit, but I am lost without the fucker. How do we start over, his words tonight were pretty but what if it's just another game. I can't take anymore of these games. How do I do this Ace, how the fuck do I break Colt's heart and soften the fucking blow." He rubs my back and at least the awkwardness is gone, instead I'm clinging to him and sobbing like a fucking baby.
"Do you think what Raven is doing is a game? In your heart don't over-think it do you believe he is manipulating you again?"
"No I think he is being as honest as he is able to be" the truth is that I want his words to be everything he said and more I think from talking to Dreamer they are.
"So you need to sit down and talk with Raven get answers to some hard questions, make him be honest, and be honest with him. I can't tell you how to break up with Colt, it is not like a band aid pull off quickly and the pain is gone. This is going to hurt no matter what, I can tell you that delaying this is not healthy for either of you. The pain is going to be deep for a while there is no way in softening this blow Punk, but you need to do it and get it over with." I shake my head slowly not wanting to do this at all, and soon doesn't sound like a good idea.
"Can't I just have one night, one more night before I hurt him?" Ace raises an eyebrow and I know the answer is no, I knew before I asked but what I am going to do is going to change my life. I grab his phone from the night stand trying to calm my tears I scroll down to Joe's name. This is the only solution I have Colt is going to need someone tonight and it won't be me or Ace. They have a bond, Colt wouldn't have kept sleeping with him if there wasn't something there so I hit the send button and wait. He answers tiredly and I hear sadness in his voice.
"Hey Ace what's up?" I called from Ace's phone for two reasons, one he may not answer if my name showed on the ID, and two my phone is in Colt's room.
"Hey Joe it's Punk..." I am still crying and I'm trying not to let him hear this "Are you still in town?"
"Yeah I'm staying at a hotel tonight, are you okay?" I ignore his question and take a deep breath.
"Do you love him, because I need to know you love him. That there is still a chance for him to be happy. I need to know I didn't ruin his life, so do you love him?" I don't really need to ask I know the answer but hearing him confirm it will make this easier for me.
"You know I love Colt. He is hard not to fall for, I don't see why it matters though Punk." It does it matters more than I can explain to him.
"He is going to need you tonight, he is going to need someone and it can't be me. It may never be me again, take care of him okay. Make sure he takes care of himself and make sure he eats, when he gets depressed Colt doesn't eat. Just take care of him and tell me how he is doing from time to time. Give me an hour then come to him okay?" I rattle off the hotel and room number then I hang up on the phone, I go to stand and my legs crumpled. This feels so much like a death, the end to something that could have been beautiful. I sob into my hands and Ace slides behind me wrapping his arms tightly around my body, if I'm like this before I even speak to him how am I going to get through telling Colt? Ace rocks me and I finally settle against his side, tears lessening I stand slowly. I grab the now melted ice and walk out the door not looking back at Ace. We both know I will be back tonight, it has only been twenty minutes but Joe is in the hallway and he takes a look at my face and sighs pulling me into a hug. "Give me a little bit, I'll get you Colt and I need to talk alone."
"Are you sure?" I slide my key card into the lock the little light turns green.
"No but I can't live with half a heart" I push open the door and walk into the room.
Colt is sitting on the bed still dressed his hands clenching his phone, tears already trickle down his face as if he knows. "Figured you'd left to go to Raven, it is where you want to be right?" I set the bucket on the table fishing out cubes that are not melted I wrap them in a towel walking over I take the phone from his bruised hands and press the ice to his knuckles.
"Give me a few minutes please, just lets not talk for a few minutes. I need my best friend for a minute." He takes a deep breath and pulls my forehead to his, we stay there his hand in my hair, our foreheads pressed together for several minutes, too short but I know I need to pull away. I kiss the corner of his mouth, breathing him in one last time before I stand. I walk over to my bag and pick it up placing the strap on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I want to love you I do, and in someways I love you more than I could ever love him but it isn't enough. I'm sorry I ever pushed you into this, I hope someday you can forgive me Scott, I really would like to be your friend when you are ready." My back is to him because I can not face the damage I am doing. I can hear the small sobs escaping his lips and can almost tell his mind is trying to process, he tried to prepare himself for this but it hasn't work. "I love you Scott, but I'm choosing him and you should choose Joe, he loves you more than I ever have. I think you love him too, just don't push him away. I know I don't have a right to ask anything from you, but don't push him away." I walk towards the door and then he is hugging me from behind and I lean back against him, he is holding me tightly and I turn my head his lips capture mine and this is our final goodbye. One last kiss before I go, one last moment before reality crashes in for both of us.
"It could have been enough, it could have been more than enough if you had just let it." He whispers this against my lips before stepping away, I fling open the door and push past Joe who enters the room as soon as I leave. I finally glance back, my best friend is on the floor sobbing into Joe's chest and the damage I've caused is written all over his face. I hesitate and wonder if I could take it all back, do what Colt wants and just let it be enough. I can't so I pull the door shut behind me making my way back to Ace's room. He grants me entrance and I drop my bag curling onto the bed, too numb to cry for once in my life my mistakes are not going away because I want them too. For once in my life I am taking a long look in the mirror and the man in front of me I don't really like. Ace is rubbing my back in slow circles, and I want to tell him to take his comfort and shove it. I do not deserve to be comforted, instead once my mouth opens a sob escapes, and I guess I am not all cried out.
I spent the night wide awake trying to figure it all out in between spurts of random sobbing, I think about canceling on Dreamer more than once, I need answer's from the man himself not his best friend but I'm not sure Raven will talk to me after walking away from him last night. He has trust issues and I saw the hurt in his eyes when I left with Ace and Colt. So I keep the lunch plan, trying to compose myself long enough to go into public, Ace informs me Joe and Colt checked out this morning and are on the way to California for a few days. Probably best for us not to run into each other for a while at least. I glance up when Tommy sits down across from me and he raise an eyebrow, I know I look like shit but I'm here that counts for something doesn't it. "Raven is on his way here to meet you" I look up from my menu startled, I'm not ready for this I need more time. "You chose him didn't you?" Perceptive fucker, I think as I nod. "Don't let him know that right away demand answers, take away his security blanket or he will manipulate you again." I nod and go back to staring at the menu, I glance at the clock several times and he is late. He isn't going to show and I am about to leave myself when the ding sounds over the door and the man I love walks in.
He sits across from me and the first thing I can think of to say is "you're late" and I don't mean for lunch damn it. He may even be too late I may need to go on without him, living with just half a heart.
"I'm sorry, but I made it here just took me a little longer then it should have, I got lost a few times" So did I, without you I am lost I think and this little admission makes it easier to tell him how I feel.
"I love you too, but I'm not sure that's enough anymore." That's what I have been debating all night is loving someone enough when the scars run so deep. "I'm not saying it can't be I just need some answers. Then I can make a decision, one that I can be okay with at the end of the day." I see in his eyes he thinks I still need to choose between him and Colt, that is not the decision I need to make. I need to decided to start over with him or without him. It all depends on him now, where we go is really up to him and the answers he gives me.
"Ask me anything Punk I will answer, I'll answer" He means it I can see it in his eyes and I feel a flame of hope flicker in my heart, maybe I won't have to live missing half of me. I think back to the first night and him telling me that there is someone, somewhere for me and to call him so he could gloat. That someone was perfect for me, that I've been looking in all the wrong places, well Raven I think you can gloat now, but maybe I can too. Perhaps finding my someone met he also found his someone and that he was looking in all the wrong places. I pray that I'm his someone because at the end of all this disaster Raven is the someone I've been waiting on for my whole life.
Second chapter tonight go me! Please remember to review!
