Sam woke up the next morning feeling pretty good. Well, physically he did. He'd slept good. It was the first night he didn't have a restless sleep since the apocalypse started. No matter his differences with Gabriel, and they were numerous, the archangel was right when he said he'd sleep well if he put him to sleep the angel way.
Of course, emotionally was a whole different story. Sam really didn't know how to deal with everything that was happening now. How was he supposed to deal with being something that wasn't supposed to exist. According to Gabriel, his existence was forbidden, something at least some angels would try to kill him for being.
Worse than all of that was what Dean would think of him. He wasn't Dean's brother anymore. They were never brothers. Sam was just something that Dean was forced to deal with because Gabriel had burdened him on Dean's family. And it had caused Dean so much trouble. It took his whole family from him and forced him to live a life he never should've had to. What if Dean hated him? That would crush him. He could live with a lot, but he didn't think he could live with his brother's hatred.
Sam really wanted to go back to denial, but he threw that away the moment he decided to talk a walk into Dean's dreams. Not that he regretted that. Dean needed to know that he was alright. Sam couldn't let him torture himself wondering what was going on. That would be selfish and he'd already been too selfish with Dean. He just wished he didn't have to deal with this, but he did.
Sam took a deep breath and got up. He had to deal with this no matter how much he didn't want to. He had to find out what he was and what it meant for him. He didn't have the luxury of hiding in denial anymore. It was time to face reality.
Sam decided that he would take a shower and then go talk to Gabriel. He grabbed some clothes from the dresser that Gabriel had gotten him right after he brought him there and headed for the bathroom. He took about a ten minute shower before getting dressed and heading for the kitchen.
Gabriel was sitting at the table finishing off a plate of waffles when Sam arrived. "Morning. You slept well, I"m assuming."
"Yeah, thanks. We need to talk," Sam said. He had questions that only Gabriel could answer for him. At least he hoped he could answer them.
Gabriel nodded in agreement and pointed to the chair across from him. "What do you want to eat?"
Just toast and maybe some fruit is fine. I'm not really hungry," Sam said.
Gabriel conjured up Sam's order, as well as a cup of coffee.
Sam ate quickly and silently, taking a few extra minutes before he forced himself to ask the questions he wasn't sure he really wanted answers to. "I have questions. Please be honest with me when you answer them."
"I've never lied to you," Gabriel said.
Sam nodded. "Who's my mother, since it clearly isn't Mary Winchester?"
Gabriel sighed. Honestly, that was the one question he dreaded answering the most. Sam wouldn't like the answer, as his conception wasn't exactly romantic. But Gabriel wouldn't lie, even before Sam asked him not to, he wouldn't. "Her name is Melanie Randell. We weren't in love. She was just someone I went to from time to time."
Sam winced slightly at what Gabriel was implying with the last remark.
"You wanted truth, kid," Gabriel reminded.
Sam nodded. "So you just used each other."
"I guess that's the best way you can put it," he said.
"When did she tell you about me?" Sam wondered.
"She didn't. I hadn't seen her since she got pregnant with you. I found out when you were born. I felt you as soon as you drew breath," Gabriel told him.
"We're that connected?" Sam asked surprised.
Gabriel nodded. "I can always feel you. That's why no sigil is ever going to keep you from me. You are a part of me and I can always reach you."
"Why give me to my… the Winchesters? Why not leave me with Melanie?" Sam asked.
"Well, aside from the fact that she was human with no knowledge of how to raise a nephilim, she wasn't fit to care for anyone's kid for even an hour. She was not raising mine," Gabriel said firmly.
Sam wasn't sure where it came from, but he took a small bit of comfort in Gabriel's last statement. For some reason he wasn't sure he understood, it mattered to him that Gabriel didn't just leave him with a woman he didn't find fit.
"I left you with Mary Winchester because she would know what to expect, after I explained anyway, and unlike most other hunters, she wouldn't hurt you because you were supernatural," Gabriel explained. He'd told Sam this before, but at that point, the kid wasn't listening. He had been busy trying to make it all a lie. Now that he knew it was true, he needed to hear it again.
"S...she died for me," Sam said guiltily. He hated that she'd died for him. He hated it before, but he hated it even more now. Mothers were supposed to do what they had to for their kids, but he wasn't really hers. He was something that shouldn't have ever been forced on her. She'd be alive if he hadn't been.
"Sam, that is not your fault."
"That demon was after me, not her. If she'd never been given me, she'd still be alive," Sam said.
"Then blame me for that. I handed you over to her. You had no choice in the matter. And just so you know, you were not something Mary felt burdened with. She loved you. She walked into that nursery because her son was in danger. She didn't care that she didn't bring you into the world or that you weren't a normal child. She loved you like you were both," Gabriel told him. He'd watched Mary with his son. He'd watched them all, but especially her because she was the only one who knew and he wanted to make sure he could trust her with Sam. He'd found her love for Sam to be just as undeniable as it was for her own son.
Sam decided to let the subject drop. He didn't want to talk or even think about that guilt right now. "Why didn't you take me after she died? Not that I would've wanted to be taken away, but why didn't you?"
"Oh, I considered it. I considered it many times over the years. The first time the SOB left you alone with eight-year-old Dean is a prime example," Gabriel said irritably. He couldn't help it. He really hated John Winchester.
"That had happened ever since I remembered. I never knew anything different, so it never bothered me?" Sam said. Later on, the hunting and the always moving bothered him, but not being left with Dean. Dean had always been his constant. "But why did you then?"
"Because my reasons for leaving you with the Winchesters' hadn't changed. You were still safer than you would be if any of my brothers found out you existed. I could look out for you sometimes when you were with John. Like the time the idiot took you out to fight a werewolf for the first time," Gabriel said. He'd almost murdered John that day. Sam had been barely eleven at the time and that thing nearly killed him. Gabriel had had to intervene and kill the thing himself.
"You were there for that, I guess. Dean saved me. It was fine," Sam said.
"No, he didn't actually. Dean was about a mile away when it attacked you. I took care of it and then altered both your memories," Gabriel told him.
"Really?" Sam asked surprised.
Gabriel nodded. "It happened a couple other times too. I tried not to get involved whenever possible because I didn't want Heaven noticing, but I acted when I had to."
"Why didn't you do anything when I was killed?" Sam asked. He tried to keep any anger and resentment from his voice, but some came out. He couldn't help it. That moment started everything. Dean went to Hell because of it, leading Ruby to screwing with Sam, plus Dean unintentionally breaking the first Seal. Why couldn't his archangel father have done something to stop all that.
Gabriel looked down at the table, not wanting to see how broken even the memory made him. "I felt your last breath. The connection we shared completely dissolved. I wanted to die. I sat in a heap in a corner. I couldn't think straight. I was gone. When I finally regained some brain function, I was going to plunge my archangel blade into my own chest. That was when I realized that as an archangel, I had the power to bring you back. Before I could though, I felt you breathing again. I felt the connection come back to life. Dean had made the deal."
Sam had heard the pain in Gabriel's voice. The archangel couldn't keep the shakiness from his voice as he explained his reaction to Sam's death. Gabriel really did care about him a lot. He'd thought before it was an act, but it really wasn't. He mattered to Gabriel. "Sorry. I just hate that Dean went to hell for me. So if you can bring me back, why are you so afraid of the other angels."
"There are ways it can be stopped. Michael could stop it, make sure your DNA is completely eradicated from the Earth," Gabriel said.
"Why am I not allowed to exist? What am I?" Sam asked. He knew the term for what he was, but he had no idea what it meant. What was he destined for? Would he be evil? Would he be like Lucifer? Could he even be worse than Lucifer?
"You're my son. Anything else you might be doesn't matter," Gabriel said firmly.
"It matters if I'm destined to be the next Lucifer," Sam said.
"First of all, all Lucifer is is a fallen angel. I'll be honest, I don't even agree with his fall. What he did afterwards, yes, but not the fall. He fell because of his opinion. He didn't like humans and he didn't want to worship them," Gabriel said.
"That doesn't make sense. Most angels don't seem to like us," Sam said, thinking of Zachariah and Uriel.
"They don't. Michael has pretty much the same opinion as Lucifer, which is why I called him a hypocriteFor a few thousand times before I left. But they respected Dad's wishes and agreed to protect and love them. Lucifer wouldn't," Gabriel said.
"So he fell because he didn't lie?" Sam asked.
"Essentially. Now, at this point, Lucifer needs to be stopped, but he hadn't really done anything but disagree back then. But back to you because that's all I really care about right now. You are not Lucifer and you're not evil. I told you last night, you have too much compassion for that," Gabriel said.
"I started the apocalypse," Sam pointed out.
"Angels and demons started the apocalypse. You were just a tool they used to do it, and you weren't the only one. Dean broke the first seal," Gabriel reminded him.
"That isn't his fault. He was being tortured for decades! Anyone would've broke," Sam said.
"That's my point. It's not his fault and killing Lilith wasn't yours. You were influenced by a demon and poison," Gabriel told him.
"But was it really the demon blood? Maybe it was me. Maybe it's how I'm gonna be," Sam said as he looked down at his lap.
"Look at me," Gabriel instructed. He waited until his son's eyes raised to his own. "I don't want you buying what my brothers believe. You're not evil because you're a nephilim. As I know you're aware by now, my brothers can be narrow minded dicks, and they can definitely be wrong. I'm not going to let you damn yourself because of them."
"I need some time alone," Sam said before he started to get up. Gabriel's voice stopped him.
"You can have it in a minute. We're not done with last night. I need you to get that should Michael find out what you are, there is a good chance he'll kill you. Well, he'll try anyway and then I'll have to either kill him or he'll kill me. I am doing my best to avoid that. You keep yourself out of Dean's head," Gabriel said firmly.
Sam nodded after a minute. He wasn't sure he wanted to be in Dean's dreams anyway. Dean would know something was wrong if he saw him and demand to know, and Sam wasn't sure his brother would accept him if he told him the truth.
"I won't hesitate to make good on what i said last night. I will not feel you die again," he said.
"I won't do it again," Sam promised.
Gabriel nodded in satisfaction.
"Would Michael really kill me. I mean, know what you said, but you're his brother?" Sam asked. He got the feeling it was different than like with Cas and the other angels. He got the impression that the archangels were a lot more tight. Would Michael really kill his brother's son.
Gabriel sighed. He would love to believe that Michael would leave Sam be if only for his sake, but he had no faith in Michael anymore. All his eldest brother cared about was pleasing their father. He'd proven that. "So was Lucifer."
