Chapter 11: The Drawing of the Circle
'Die!' Henry yelled as he charged forth with the Axe of Ultimate Destiny. Walter dodged and swung his pipe into Henry's balls. 'Good — oww — fuck . . .' Henry said in a very high voice as he fell to the ground.
'Ooh!' Walter screamed as he danced a victory dance of victory. 'That's right, bitch! Don't fuck with Walter Sulliv—'
'Shut up, damn,' Henry said as he shot Walter in the abdomen. The blonde fell to the ground, cursing.
'No guns . . . not . . . fair.'
'Well, I got a ball-shot; so, in turn, I gave you a gun-shot.'
'Ha-ha-ha, real clever.'
'Shut up.' Henry shot Walter again. In the balls.
'Hah! I don't use them any—' He trailed off.
'Yeah, I know: you take it.'
'Take what . . . . . . . oh, EWW, NO!' Walter pulled out his pistol and started blasting at Henry.
'Other direction,' Henry called. Walter turned around.
'Thanks.' He then shot Henry in the shoulder.
'Shit,' Townshend muttered as he fell back, unconscious.
'Aha!' Walter yelled in triumph. 'I have you now—'
Henry then sprang up and shot Walter thirty times in the chest. The blonde fell, stunned. Henry then unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a bullet-proof vest.
'What the fuck!' Walter cried, slamming his fist on the ground.
'Found it in Maria's "wardrobe",' Henry shrugged. He then stood up and walked over to Walter and kicked him hard in the ribs. 'That's for killing James!'
— — — Meanwhile, in the Farplane — — —
'So you mean EternalFlare made you too!?' James cried with wonder as he looked at a tall man with black hair.
'Yeah — name's Ralph,' the man said. 'I was from "The Holy Mother".'
'Huh. How'd you die?'
'I locked some fag up in his apartment, then tried to sacrifice him. It . . . didn't turn out too well.'
'That same thing happened to me, too!' James cried. 'Me and my husb—friend, Henry!'
'Are you gay?'
'I don't know.'
'If so . . . call me.'
'You know, I got a friend named Tom . . . I think you'd like him.'
'Oh, Tom! That crazy bastard. The bitch that killed me almost killed him, too. He and his brother, Jim, ran away though. Pussies. Left me and Rob to die.'
'You scare me.'
'I get that a lot.'
Then a cigar-smoking Pyramid Head walked up to them. ''Ey, I'm Rob.'
'You scare me too,' James said, smiling.
'Sometimes I scare myself,' Rob said, shaking James's hand.
And then Tingle from The Legend of Zelda floated by.
'What the fuck!' Ralph cried in frustration as he shot Tingle down. 'Fairy won't stay dead!'
'Tell me about it,' said Link as he carried Tingle off.
— — — Back in the real world — — —
'I'm surprised too,' Amarant said. 'Usually he just says "Fuck it" when he opens this up, then goes to play Warhammer 40K. But he actually started writing this. He's got about 10 percent integrity, I think.'
Author: . . . are you . . . talking about me?
'No, the other EternalFlare,' Maria said.
Author: . . . bitch, if I didn't both enjoy insulting you and, regrettably, think you're hot, I'd smite you with a thunderbolt.
'Oh, you're too tense. Let me come up there and . . . relax you.'
'You haven't relaxed me in a while,' Tom said ambiguously.
'Have Sephiroth do that,' the insanely hot, beautiful woman said as she phased out of time and entered the writing . . . thing.
Maria: Finally, I'm in here!
Author: . . . I'm not sure this is a good idea . . .
Maria: I'll be good . . .
Amarant: Bad idea.
Maria: WHAT THE—HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE SO FAST!
Author: That's what she said.
Amarant: Nice.
Get her out of here.
Maria: Oh shut up! You're just mad 'cuz I gave you enderoscrotiavaginapenalovarianrectalenflamenitis.
Don't talk about that.
Richard: I think that's what's wrong with this world — we don't talk about our problems.
Then a spotlight appeared on Richard, and he bowed his head.
Amarant: (He's breaking out into—)
And then the stage exploded with pyrotechnics and stuff; Richard began to sing—
Amarant: That's more like 'wailing'.
—an extremely heavy-metal song.
Maria: Tom, put that lighter down.
Tom: . . . who do you think you are?
Maria: Your wife.
Tom: . . . oh yeah. But still . . . shut up.
Amarant: I sense some relationship issues.
Maria: Yeah, good job.
Tom: She's being bitchy.
Maria: Well you know, Tom, you could try being more sensitive.
Tom: SENSITIVE!? SENSITIVE!? How am I not sensitive? Do you remember what I got for Christmas!?
Maria: Oooh, how could I forget!
— Flashback —
Maria is sitting on the couch when Tom shows up holding a gift box.
'Ooh!' she shrieks as she opens the box — and inside is Tom's . . .
'Oh honey!' she cried, 'it's your d!$ in a box!'
'Yeah, it took forever to get it prepared. You know how it goes . . .'
Then Henry and James popped up, sporting sunglasses and holding boxes at waist-level.
'One:' Henry said.
'Cut a hole in a box,' James followed.
'Two:'
'Put your junk in that box.'
'Three:'
'Make her open the box; and that's the way you do it!'
— End Flashback —
Tom: You know, the idea for that video wasn't as funny when we got a million flames. Damn YouTube.
Author: I gave you a positive review.
Maria: Do 'Lazy Sunday!'
Tom: No.
Amarant: I'll do it. I think we, uh, all know . . . I like cupcakes.
Author, Tom, and Maria: No. We did NOT know that.
Amarant: But Maria used to make them all the time in 302! And—and—they had the little, little sprinkles that came in red and green, and cute pink frosting, and when you bit into them you didn't think the cream would stop flowing! I REMEMBER YOU MADE CUPCAKES!'
Richard: I remember you ate MUSHROOMS, and then spun around the whole apartment building screaming 'WHY DO YOU SHUN ME, CUPCAKE GODDESS?'
Amarant: . . . I thought they were crunchy.
— — — Whatever the hell's happening, back to douchebag — — —
'Him or me?' Walter asked.
— — — The ugly one — — —
'Whoo, you gonna let him talk about you like that?' Henry cried.
'Yes, because my beef is with you!'
'That would be what's for dinner.'
'I don't get it, but that's okay, I'll Google it when you're dead!' Walter pulled forth the Shabby Doll. 'Die!' he screamed as he threw the semen-covered item at the brunette.
BANG.
The revolver blasted the little dollie into pieces and sent it to the ground. Walter cried.
Then, however, a large shadow reached out and drew itself to great height, though remaining formless.
'Finally, someone released me from that shithole!' it cried.
'What?' Walter screamed.
'Oh fuck off,' the demon muttered as it opened a portal and sent Walter through it. It then turned to Henry while Walter screamed. 'You must be the chosen one!'
'No. I'm not.'
'But—'
'Uh-uh. I'm a guy who just wants a damned beer.'
'Werd,' the demon agreed. 'Unfortunately, I don't believe you. So . . . die!'
Henry found himself, in almost an instance, flying through all of space and time as he was flung into a portal. He landed hard on the street.
'Oh . . . shit.'
'Who are you?' came a voice next to him. Henry stood to see a tall man, gaunt, with two revolvers at his sides and missing his index and middle finger on his right hand.
'I'm your dad, now go get me a drink, son.'
'Go to Hell.'
'Not a fun guy, I see.'
'I'm looking for something.'
'Whatever.'
'It's the Dark Tower.'
'I don't care.'
'I've been looking for ages now—'
'IF I CARED I WOULD HAVE . . . ehh . . . TOLD . . . YOU.'
'You're gay.'
'Speak for yourself.'
'. . .'
'Where's the narrator?'
'I don't know who you're talking about.'
'He hasn't said anything in a while.'
'Do you have any bullets?'
'Wait a minute.'
— — — Six hours later — — —
'OMFG! YOU JUST GAVE ME THREE-THOUSAND REVOLVER BULLETS!' the dude said.
'I got infinite ammo. Still working on God Mode . . . anyway, I'm Henry.'
'I'm Roland. I am the last gunslinger.'
'How can you sling anything with that hand? I guess you use the other one for happy time.'
'Happy time?'
'When you bait like a master.'
'I do not understand.'
'Jacking off, pulling your pork, happy time, take your pick.'
'You have pork pulling in this world? I like the part when the pig squeals, and then the genitals fall to the—'
'Eww. Bye.' Henry walked away.
'Wait. Where am I?'
'I . . . don't know.'
'It's really cold here, sai.'
'Sai?'
'Sai.'
'Like the Japanese weapon?'
'Beg your pardon, sai?'
'I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!'
'That would make two of us. By the way, there's a note on your back.'
'Oh, thanx.' Henry pulled it off and read it:
You woke the Daemon up. Good God. How could you! That thing could destroy all of us! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Anyway, if you don't want to burn in the depths of Hell for being a douche, then follow these steps:
I. You must gather the Five who live for Battle:
— The Dead Fool.
— The Pale Giant.
— The Awesome.
— The Homosexual.
— The Gunslinger.
II. You must gather the Metallic Bards.
— The Maiden-Voiced.
— The Superluminous Drummer.
— The Guitar Wizard.
— The Scott Weiland (words can not describe him)
— The Brothers Rock
— The Other Guy
III. You must gather the Three who are Hindered:
— The Silent One.
— The Temptress.
— The Drunkard.
IV. You must confront the Daemon, whose name is Wallace. I mean, something like Veandre-mahkalak. You know . . .
'Who are these people?' Roland asked.
'Well, I think I know a few of them. Well, all of them. Yeah. I know everyone on this list.'
'Then specify — how will we gather them?'
'I'll help!' James cried behind them. Henry jumped.
'You're dead! But now you're alive! James! You're alive! But you were dead!' he screamed. 'How is this possible?'
'Magic,' James said, smiling.
Amarant: You cheap—you can't do that. That has Darkcomet written all over it.
Author: No it doesn't.
Amarant: I was wondering when you would make one more plug at the guy.
Author: This is not a plug — it is simply me unwilling to do any work.
Amarant: . . . and using the cheapest plot device to do so.
Author: . . . and . . . ?
Amarant: Maybe I'll just bring him down here and—
Tom: Tell him to bring—
Author: Shut up Tom. Continue, Amarant.
Amarant: — make him beat you to a bloody pulp.
Author: Okay Amarant. You're right. That was very cheap of me. I'll change it.
Tom: What's that middle finger mean, EternalFlare?
Author: Okay, you're gonna die. I swear, I'm going to kill you off, and, unlike James, I will not constantly bring you back!
Tom: . . . you mean it?
Author: No.
Tom: Crap.
Author: As I was saying—
Richard: Whew, it's a full moon tonight!
Author: What? TOM!
Tom: I was just on my way to the bathroom!
Richard: People usually wait until they're in the room until they pull their . . . robes . . . down.
Tom: Me equal demon.
Richard: Pssh . . .
'Can we just get on to the STORY!' screamed Henry as he fired several hundred revolver rounds into the air.
'You don't look, but you kick me — you can't feel, but you hit me — you can't deal with the way I pray!' James screamed as he thrashed around.
'I missed you,' Henry laughed as he hugged the blonde retard.
'I got a picture of a photograph — of a wedding in a shell — it's just a burnin' ancient memory — I never kiss and tell — (So tear it off and burn it, there's a hole in your head, there's a hole in your—'
'Okay, the singing thing stopped, like, five chapters ago.'
'Find you in the dark — read you like a cheap surprise — though without shame — sell me out and frame your name — I can hear when the pig whispers sweetly — jealousy is the weapon you kill me—'
'SHUT UP JAMES!' Henry screamed, and then smiled. 'You're alive!'
'Why wouldn't I be?'
'How did it happen?'
— — — Flashback — — —
James was at the end of the Farplane entrance-thing, looking outside. Ralph was beside him, looking at his back-side.
'I wish we could get out!' James screamed as he threw himself against the wall —
—and passed through.
He froze for a moment before turning back and running inside the Farplane.
'Hey everyone! The way's open! Come on!'
And all the souls there began to flood out.
— — — End Flashback — — —
'So you're telling me you let all the souls out of the Farplane?' Henry asked.
'What have you done?' Roland asked.
'Lol, you look funny!' James giggled.
Roland just looked at him hard.
Richard: Heh. You said 'hard'.
— — — Somewhere else — — —
Ralph Derecks rose up from the Farplane, holding a fireball and laughing maniacally. His eyes were glowing, and other freaky voodoo.
'Walter Sullivan . . . you will be mine!'
'Keep it in ya pants, busta,' said an old lady as she walked by.
'Explain yourself!' Ralph demanded. She walked on by. 'I demand you explain yourself!' She kept walking. 'No one ever listens to me . . .'
— – — Back to the place with the thing — — —
'I met this guy named Ralph,' James mused. 'I think Frog would like him.'
Henry stood there, thinking. 'Oh yeah! The Frog is gay jokes! I forgot about those. Good times.'
'Pardon, but if this story isn't going to make any sense, I want to leave,' said Roland.
'You've entered the Nameless Parody,' Henry said grimly. 'You can't leave.'
'Stephen King!' Roland screamed. 'Get me out!'
Author: MUAHAHA! HE HAS NO POWER HERE!
Amarant: Um, I'm sure all the people reading this want some plot action to happen. So . . . yeah. Advance.
Author: Plot? This thing has a plot!?
Amarant: Apparantly.
Author: Brb, I have to write some form of a storyline.
— — — Ten days later — — —
Author: Alright. Next chapter, there will be some serious plot—um . . . . . . . . . some serious storytelling!
Amarant: (coughbullshitcough).
— — —
Will there be plot advancement? Is Ralph homosexual? Did I have to ask that question? Tune in next year for Chapter 12!
EF: Bla bla, Quality Time.
Richard: No, NO. You tell these people why you haven't done schnit to this story in apparantly months.
EF: I caught . . . laryngitis . . . of the rectum . . . and then I had my finger removed . . . and then I caught pneumonia. And my mom caught pneumonia too.
Amarant: No. The truth.
EF: Okay, I've been a bad boy. Being lazy, playing Dawn of War, and bringing my grades up. I've also made some Macromedia Flash movies. So I haven't been busy, I've just been on an unofficial hiatus.
Amarant: Did you know you made spearofhope cried? Did you? DID YOU? You horrible person!
EF: Really? Whew, sorry if I did—
Amarant: Nah, I don't know. Why don't we ask him?
If you have any sightings of spearofhope, call 1-800-1337 to notify the Nameless Parody officials. Being Amarant and Richard. Remember to ask him if he cried.
EF: Can't we just email—
Amarant: NO! WE CAN NOT EMAIL HIM!
Richard: I LIKE TO YELL TOO!
Amarant: THAT'S REALLY NICE!
Richard: I LOVE MARIA!
Tom: WHAT?
Richard: I DON'T KNOW! YOU MUST BE HEARING THINGS! GET THAT CHECKED!
Tom: ROGER!
Amarant: I KNOW HIM!
EF: Please, guys, stop.
Amarant: WHAT? STOP WHAT? I'M ANSWERING QUESTIONS! CAN'T YOU TELL?
Richard: Stopped being funny when Tom ruined it.
Amarant: Ahem. Yeah. You're right.
EF: First question: From Darkcomet — Are you and Amarant on the train to Bangkok, to the Red Sector A, to meet Tom Sawyer, who is a New World Man?
Richard: Close — we are not taking the train to Bangkok; we are taking Amarant's Red Barchetta. We also plan on asking Tom Sawyer where the Body Electric is, so we can undergo a Witch Hunt, and hopefully find the Working Man. If we're lucky we'll find a Vapour Trail leading to a Spindrift.
Tom: Didn't he say he would do a puppet show?
Amarant: It's on YouTube.
Tom: Oh.
Richard: Didn't he carpet bomb your house and kill Maria?
Amarant: No.
Richard: I meant Tom.
Tom: Ha! That would be impossible, as I don't have a house! And Maria, well, Maria convinced Darkcomet not to kill her.
Amarant: BAD THOUGHTS! PLEASE! NEXT QUESTION!
Tom: (all she did was write him a check, spaz)
EF: Richie, are you glad James is dead? And if anyone else could die, who would it be?
Richard: Of course I'm not glad James is dead! He was my little buddy! Like the time we started a band, or the time we both went drinking, or the time we took pictures of Maria on the toi—and, uh, I'd pick, probably, Henry. Because I have a suspicion that he's gay.
EF: Next question — oh. That's it. No more. We're done here. It's over. Finito.
Amarant: Well then, 'til next time, I'm Amarant—
Richard: —and I'm Richard—
EF: —telling you: Parody out.
