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11. Denali
It was fortunate that we hadn't really had time to unpack completely. It took Edward less than 10 minutes to have all our belongings, the bags and me in the Hummer. He left an envelope in a lockbox outside the cabin containing a thick stack of large bills to pay for the ruined door many times over, along with a note blaming the destruction on a rogue Grizzly.
Minutes later, we were flying across the dirt road that reminded me again of the night James set his sights on me. Edward must have been reminded of it too. He looked at me and said sadly "you were right Bella, it does seem like old times." I smiled at him and said nothing.
Once on Highway 3, we began the long trip to Denali. It would take the average person driving a grueling twelve hours to get there. At the speed Edward was driving, I estimated we would get there in just over three. By now, I was used to the inhumanly fast speeds at which all the Cullens drove. It was hard to hold a conversation with danger hanging over our heads…again. As much as Edward and I were destined to be together, it seemed danger was always pursuing us. I wondered if there would ever be a time when we would be at peace. I had a very real feeling that the answer might be no. I hoped I was wrong. The emotional roller coaster I had been on that day and the long drive took their toll on me, and as I watched my husband drive, I slipped into unconsciousness.
I was walking alone on the tundra near the cabin. It was daytime, but the northern lights were still dancing bright in the sky. In the distance, I saw Edward waving to me to join him. It was strange I could have sworn we had left the cabin. Shrugging off the feeling that something wasn't right, I started walking towards Edward, who continued waving to me. At my feet, blue Lupine was everywhere, thick and beautiful. I stopped to pick one of the little wildflowers. When I stood up, halfway between Edward and myself I saw a figure that filled me with terror! I recognized the familiar red hair burning like fire. Her features were just as beautiful as before. She moved lithely like a cat. It was Victoria, I had no doubt. Intense confusion overtook me. Victoria was dead; Edward had killed her weeks ago. I had seen the white remains of her body burning. What was she doing here?
She began to move slowly but deliberately towards me. I wanted to run, but felt as though my feet were affixed to the ground, I could not move. Victoria's face was not the distorted face of hatred and thirst she wore the day she attacked Edward, Seth Clearwater and I, aided by her newborn acolyte, Riley. She was smiling, and her expression was one of friendship. But there was something about her eyes…something not right. They should have been pitch-black, burning with crimson around the edges, but they were not. They were light, honey-gold, the color of a vampire who hunts animals instead of humans; eyes that should make me feel safe. But as her smiling face got closer, I felt the fear rising in my chest as I saw Edwards face beyond was horrified. He began to run towards me behind Victoria. I knew even at his speed, the distance would keep him from reaching me in time. He was yelling for me to run. As Victoria came closer, her face distorted into the Victoria I knew; filled with hatred and bloodlust, yet her eyes remained the same honey-gold. Terror overtook me as Victoria began to reach for me. Edward continued to yell, "Run Bella, please!" but for some reason my body still would not function. I could not make my legs move. As Victoria grabbed my arm with a painful iron grip, Edward still too far away to help screamed "Bella, NO!"
I screamed as Victoria threw me to the ground. As she snarled over me ready to strike a deathblow, a deafening howl pierced the tundra like thunder! Victoria seemed taken off guard, and looked past me her face frozen in horror. Suddenly an enormous brown wolf sped past me and smashed into Victoria. I fell flat on the ground as I heard Victoria screaming, and a sickening snapping and crunching.
From the ground, I could no longer see Victoria, and a brief sense of relief washed over me. The relief quickly fled though, when I realized I couldn't move. None of my limbs responded, and I had the distinct sensation of heaviness. So much so, that it was becoming increasingly more difficult to breathe. My mind desperately commanded my body to move, but it was as if the two parts of me no longer had a connection.
As Edward finally rushed to my side, he stopped short, a look of horror on his face. The brown wolf was staring intently at me, shifting back and forth on his front paws whining in what seemed to me to be desperation. Edward looked at the wolf almost with recognition, and shook his head as if he and the wolf had some silent communication between them. I tried desperately to speak to Edward, but the words would not come. The wolf stopped its constant movement for a moment and looked intently at me, giving me a feeling of calm. It then turned its eyes back to Edward and resumed nervously shifting and whining. Edward's face looked conflicted and grief stricken. He looked at the wolf one last time meeting the wolf's penetrating stare. Then he turned his gaze back to me. I looked into his amber eyes and was able to smile. He smiled back, not the crooked smile I loved; it was different, deliberate, disturbing.
Edward gently picked me up from the ground where I was frozen, and cradled me in his arms. The wolf seemed more agitated and tense, as though waiting for something. Suddenly I was struck with a new terror when a predatory growl came from Edward's lips. For the first time since really knowing him, I was afraid of Edward! Panicked I looked into his face expecting to see the wild black eyes that he had watched me with that first day at Forks high school. I had been afraid of him that day. But it wasn't the same, because I hadn't known who and what he was. His eyes were still warm and amber colored, and they seemed to be comforting, but at the same time desperate. He closed his eyes, and without warning pulled my throat to his sharp teeth and sunk them in!
I woke in a cold sweat and alone in the hummer. Gasping rather than breathing I called Edward's name and turned my head expecting to see him in the seat next to me; I was alone. I grabbed my throat, and finding it intact, sat breathing heavy, my heart pound. After a minute or two, I looked around for Edward, not finding him. As the shock of the dream began to fade, my fear of being alone began to grow. I looked around and saw lights ahead of the Hummer. As my eyes passed over the rearview mirror I suddenly thought I saw something moving around the back of the car; a huge shadow like figure. Something rocked the Hummer, and thought I heard the handle on the back door being tried. Before I could scream, Edward opened my door, and pulled me out. Standing with him were three other vampires. I looked quickly behind me towards the back of the hummer, and saw nothing.
I looked at Edward and wanted to be in his arms, but as I looked at him, the fear of my dream surfaced, and I settled for taking his hand. He must have seen the apprehension in my face.
He looked intensely at me; I kept my eyes down, offering no explanation.
After a moment, he made introductions.
"Bella" he said, "Irina you know," Irina gave me a less than cordial smile and briefly nodded in acknowledgement.
"And this" he continued "is Carmen, Eleazar and Kate."
"Hello" I said timidly.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Bella," Carmen said warmly, extending her hand to me.
I took her hand and she pulled me into a warm hug, and then passed me to Eleazar.
"Charmed Bella" he said kissing my hand.
Next it was Kate's turn. "It's so wonderful to finally meet the love of Edwards life!" she said hugging me.
Irina grew impatient with the pleasantries, and turned and headed back towards a huge lodge that I hadn't had time to notice.
"Well" Eleazar said "It's cold, and you've had a long trip. Why don't you come inside and take your rest."
"Thank you Eleazar," Edward said "thank you for your hospitality."
"You are always welcome here Edward."
Edward noticed I was shaking slightly and said, "Let's get you inside before you freeze."
"I'm not cold" I lied. I was cold, but not just from the weather. My dream had left me frigid with fear, but I felt it best to wait until we were alone to talk to him about it.
"Humor me," he said. He looked at me with concern and whispered "What is it Bella? What's wrong?"
I just shook my head. "When we're alone, alright?"
He nodded, his face was worried.
As we approached, I noticed the huge lodge that was the home of the Denali vampires. The Lodge spread out on both sides of the main entry to reveal several large wings, which spread out in spider like fashion. A large porch ran the length of the front of the Lodge. It's smoothly polished log walls were a rich deep rust color, with a massive double door entry. As we stepped onto the wide porch, I noticed the warm amber firelight coming through the window. It did give me a small feeling of comfort. Edward encouraged me inside through the double doors. Once inside I surveyed the large, rustic home. All along the center of the main room were polished great logs of white pine, which held up the open beam ceiling made of slimmer versions of the support logs. The support logs were intricately carved with what I assumed was the natural flowers and plants of the area. Above, the ceiling beams angled in from the sides of the room to support the main gable log. To one side of the room, a natural stone fireplace that dwarfed the one in the Summit Lake cabin was ablaze with huge pieces of wood. I could feel the heat from where I stood. The floor was natural slate in many different shapes and sizes. The color of the stones ranged from deep charcoal to vibrant jade. In every conceivable walking area, tapestry rugs lay thick and comfortable. The room hung heavy with the fragrance of pine and cedar. I should have felt completely comfortable and at ease, especially with Edward safely at my side. But something deep inside told me I would find no comfort or ease in this place. Something, and I wasn't sure what, warned me, that I was being watched here, by unfriendly eyes, an enemy's eyes. With my heart in my throat, my dream the morning of our wedding came crashing into my mind.
We spent only a few minutes talking with Carmen, Eleazar and Kate before Edward begged us to be excused and shown to our room. Despite my discomfort, I sensed that the three of them were genuinely happy to have us here. In the few minutes of our initial visit, I felt a real connection with them, which was strange under the circumstances. My assumption of Denali was that it would be awkward after the exchange with Tanya at the wedding. Irina had almost immediately disappeared after our arrival, but Tanya had not even bothered to appear. I wondered where she was, but was too distracted to ask.
Kate showed us to the wing of the lodge which held our room, as well as the room that Alice and Jasper would share when they arrived.
"We will alert you as soon as they are here" Kate offered. "Please have a restful night, and we will speak again in the morning Bella."
"Thank you Kate" I said "trying to hide my uneasiness."
She smiled at me, her large amber eyes filled with warmness she said "You are very welcomed my dear."
The room they gave us has a familiar feel to it. There was a well-appointed sound system, as well as a baby grand piano in the corner. A large bookshelf filled with hundreds of CDs occupied one wall. There was also a large bed covered with down comforters and soft down pillows. I turned to Edward and asked "is this room yours Edward?"
He smiled. "I'm glad you recognize my tastes. Yes, this is my room when I stay here. I had the bed delivered to them a few weeks ago. Do you like it?"
I sat on the edge of the bed, looked around the room not really seeing it, and said lethargically "it's really nice."
His face went serious, and came and sat next to me. "Bella, you have got to tell me what's wrong" he pleaded.
I looked at him, wanting to tell him, but the image of my dream and his bite were weighing heavy on my mind, and I was unsure if I should tell him about it. But I knew I couldn't lie to Edward so I tried to distract him by asking, "Where is Tanya tonight?"
"She's hunting Bella, now tell me what's wrong!" He wasn't falling for my poor attempt at subterfuge.
"You won't be happy" I told him with pain in my voice.
"I won't be happy, until you talk to me!" He looked at me, his eyes almost crazed with concern; "Bella please!"
I couldn't stand to see him worry, so I told him everything that had happened in my dream. I couldn't look at him; I kept my eyes down, feeling guilty that his bite had upset me.
I was such a hypocrite! I knew it, I had to own it. After all isn't that what I had been preparing for all these weeks? Isn't that what I had wanted? Almost from the first moment we had declared our love for each other? But the bite I imagined was so different from the one in my dream. In my mind, I had imagined it to be loving, gentle, and perhaps erotic even. I realized it was a naïve thought; ridiculous. Edward had wisely kept the details of the process from me. He wasn't pleased when Alice shared more than a little information with me.
He had tasted my blood before, and controlled himself; it had been impossible, he said. Impossible but somehow he was able to do it to save me from the very thing I was preparing to willingly do. But in my dream, for the first time, I feared what Edward might be capable of if he were to lose control. I had never believed he would ever harm me, and in my heart, I still did not believe he could. But the fear from my dream would not leave me. Yes, I was being hypocritical, and I hated myself for it.
I continued to sit staring at the floor, waiting for him to speak. He stood and walked over to the window; I couldn't help but look up. With folded arms, he stared out into the light night sky of Denali. I could only imagine the pain I had caused him. I felt like the worst kind of traitor. I wouldn't blame him if he were to leave me now; I knew I deserved it. At the thought of being without him, the eternal scar began to tear open, and the familiar raw, debilitating pain that had caused it returned. Instinctively I curled up holding myself together. I lay on the bed facing the wall, and silently sobbed.
I didn't know how long I lay crying, but Edward never moved. Like a sentinel at his post, he continued to stare out the window. If I had had any more tears to cry, I would have, but I had exhausted my body's reservoir. So I lay clutching my ribs in survival mode. I could feel my eyes getting heavy and knew I would not be able to stay awake much longer. I took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry Edward, I'm so, so sorry." As I fell asleep, I thought I heard my lullaby.
I was burning! There was no doubt about it. I was burning, I was writhing, I was screaming. I was screaming for Edward, but he was gone. I was alone, alone in my own private hell. A hell I knew I deserved. I deserved to be here for hurting Edward. I had hurt him with my fear. Fear that I knew I shouldn't feel. Yes, I was where I deserved to be. I wanted to run from the burning but I couldn't. Just as I wondered hopelessly if it would ever end, the heat began to cool. I could feel coolness around my shoulders and along the length of my body…
I opened my eyes with a start, feeling Edward's cool arms around me. He was staring at me and smiling. For a moment, I forgot everything but his face, pale and lovely. I knew I could happily look at his face forever. As my mind caught up with me, I suddenly remembered our exchange the night before. I felt the tears begin again as the guilt came flooding back. "Why did you marry me Edward?" I sobbed. "I'm the worst person in the world! I'm a traitor, I'm a…"
He put his cool fingers over my lips "Shhh….Bella, don't cry love, and don't blame yourself."
I looked at him in amazement. His eyes, his inhumanly beautiful eyes, were kind and consoling. I was confused.
"I have to, there's no one else to blame! And don't tell me you're to blame, because you're not!"
"No Bella," he said softly "I'm not saying I'm to blame. There is no one to blame."
"What do you mean there is no one to blame?" I asked blinking through my tears.
I tried to sit up, but he kept me tightly in his arms. "Please stay" he said kissing my forehead.
"Bella we are what we are you and I. I didn't choose to be a vampire Bella, but that is what I am a. I am a predator, a blood drinker, and I am dangerous to humans, even though I control the dangerous part of my nature." He looked at me with the ancient sadness that broke my heart to see in his eyes. He smiled slightly and tightened his arms around me.
"And you" he continued, "are human, for the moment at least. You have a natural fear of me; and that actually comforts me. I have said to you, you may recall, that you could use a good dose of fear."
I had to smile a bit when he said that admitting "I do seem to remember you saying something like that."
"You've felt it before you know." I looked at him confused.
"That first day at Forks high school you felt it; in biology?"
I countered "But that wasn't the same thing Edward, I didn't know you, I didn't know what you are."
"You may have been calling it something else all this time Bella, but it is the same. I've told you humans have a natural fear of us. They probably aren't even aware of it, but it is there. We were not being ostracized at Forks high school Bella," he voice took a serious tone "we were being kept at a safe distance, and rightly so. What you experienced in your dream was a natural reaction Bella, nothing more, nothing less."
He smiled a little and added "Jacob was right when he gave you the eagle and the fish analogy. We are predator and prey Bella, and we shouldn't be in love. But we are, for better or worse as the minister put it. We are the exception to the rule, and that always brings peripheral problems with it."
I stared at him unable to speak. A hundred plus years of living would certainly give someone a better perspective on things. But after listening to him explain my fears to me better than I could have ever explained them myself, I began to realize the depth of my husband's mind and soul. Yes, there was no doubt in my mind, Edward had a soul. No one who really knew him, who had listened to his wisdom and compassion, could ever doubt it.
He looked at me with an apprehensive smile and said "Tell me what you're thinking Bella."
"You really don't hate me for being afraid?" I wanted reassurance.
"You are my wife Bella, and I love you; that will never change. If you stand by your decision to join me in my fate and change, or if you decide to remain human, even if you decided to leave me, I will always love you Bella, for eternity."
I saw the pain in his eyes that came when he mentioned me leaving him. It matched the pain in my center that had resurfaced the night before. I held on to him tighter and said "I thought when you were looking out the window without saying anything; I had hurt you so much you couldn't look at me"
He smiled sadly. "No sweetheart, I wasn't hurt. I knew that the fear from your dream was still fresh in your mind. I didn't want you to look at me and be afraid, and I couldn't take looking at you with fear of me in your eyes. I'm so sorry Bella if I hurt you."
I softly touched his lips with my fingers. He closed his eyes as I passed each one over his mouth. Then as he opened his eyes, I said "remember, you said no one is to blame. So no one needs to be sorry for anything right?"
"Right." He softly kissed me and we held each other until we heard a light knock at the door.
