L, L, Bloody Hell (Part 2)


Let's cut back to Light and Matt.

"Why are you doing this?" Light asked in angry frustration, still tied to the chair, clothes a mess, covered in baby oil and coffee from earlier. Some of the oil was even in his hair, dribbling down his face like sweat, leaving a heavy residue. He was honestly more distressed about the mess than anything else. Light was that kind of narcissist jerk.

Matt thought that Light had already figured out the plan to replace him as L's successor, but wondered why he was asking questions. Fully set on not killing anyone for any reason, Matt thought that it was better to let on that he knew more than he did, and work out how much Light did actually know. That ought to increase their chance of getting the least amount of juvie possible. Matt was a better detective in this chapter than the other chapters, but I still have not really given him a personality.

"You know, why, you… Little bitch," Matt said, as menacingly as he could, trying to channel the slightly unhinged craziness/cold, creepy detachment of his friends. He wasn't sure if it worked, but the razor blade in his hand probably enhanced the effect.

"I'm not who you think I am!" Light said, struggling against the ropes.

"Who do you think I think you are?" Matt asked, probing, trying to sound cool yet dangerous.

"What?" Light was now incredulous as to whether or not this kid was working for someone with his own death note and knew that he was Kira, or just (a slightly unhinged, yet detached) random crazy person. There were many black notebooks in the world, so it wasn't necessarily a Death Note in her hands. But what other reason could someone have for killing him other than being Kira? And how would such unworthy opponents find that out that he was Kira unless they used were smarter than L (Impossible), or they used their shinigami eyes, or their their shinigami told them?

"You're a bad person. And I was sent here to get rid of you." Matt tried to recover.

"Get rid of me, how?"

"With our master plan," Matt said, pretending to be confident in the pan and in himself, even though the plan was a piece of shit and he was wondering how long his sentence in jail would be, "With this," he clarified holding up the notebook, that Light could now see was marked in English, "TOP SECRET" on the front and on the back "Property of Mello, do not touch!"

'So did the kid have a death note or not?' wondered Light. If she had been a Shinigami-eyed dupe, like would explain why she had to capture Light: In order to find out his name. But why did she bother to tie him up instead of just writing the name? Perhaps the Mastermind who ordered the torture was just being vindictive in that way, or perhaps the idiot had never written a name and believed the rule that she wouldn't get to heaven if she used the note book.

Yes, that could be it, Light decided, "I'll be frank for a moment. I know that you are scared to kill me. Let me go, and I will let you live and work with me, and we will kill your boss using the notebook."

"What?" Matt yelped.

"Think about it, even if you do kill me, and even L, you will still never be Kira. You just don't have what it takes since you don't want to kill anyone," Light avoided rolling his eyes, instead adding softly, "You're too kind and gentle," with all of his charm he continued, "If your boss had what it took, he'd torture me himself instead of sending his girlfriend. Is that any way to treat such a sweet young lady?" Light asked with his most seductive lady-charming smile. As the rope in his hands loosened, he found it easier and easier to smile.

"What the hell? I'm a boy!" Matt said yelled angrily, just realizing that he was still wearing the stupid shorts and wig costume that Near and Mello gave him so that he could look like a movie he hadn't watched. Matt and the readers can be forgiven for forgetting that he was wearing a costume like Mello and Near because it happened three chapters ago. And it's just Matt.

"That actually makes it a little hotter for me" Light replied honestly, "Also, your 'boss' will defiantly kill you when he has no use for you. But I'd never let you come to harm. And I'll give you the world… I mean America."

Then, suddenly, the gears of Matt's genius mind ground into action. "Kira?" Why would he think that I want to be Kira? Or I'm killing him and L to be Kira… "Oh my god! You're Kira!"

"You mean you didn't… Why are you trying to kill me then?"

"Stop fucking up my intimidation, you big jerk!"

"You are the only one doing that," Light responded.

"Look, it doesn't matter why we were here and trying to kill you. I promise to leave, and not kill you, and not ever tell anyone you're Kira," he went on, crossing his fingers on the last part because he was fully intending to tell L and the others that Light was Kira, "and live out the rest of my life in poverty and obscurity in an Oliver Twist workhouse back in time with my hopefully-boyfriend and some little tag-along guy, if you just forget about this and don't put us in jail!"

Light sighed and didn't ask Matt to elaborate on his very specific self-punishment, "Cut the ropes, kid. It's a deal."

"Fine, but you have to keep your word and come with me while I get my friends out. And don't double cross me." Matt obeyed hesitantly and was instantly pushed over as Light ran out of the room.

Everyone saw this coming. The only point of question was whether or not he would try to quickly change his messed up Gucci slacks on the way out or not. He didn't because this is getting pretty long already.

What a shit-show, Matt. Now it's Near and Mello time.

"You're finished, L!" Mello shouted, as he pointed his katana at his adversary.

L, holding Near's jacket listlessly returned, "You already said that."

Mello began charging toward him with the tip of his sword at the ready in answer while L waved the jacket like a matador teasing a bull. Mello sliced it nearly in half, but missed his real target, who jumped out of the way sideways and taunted again. For a second time, Mello charged, but this time he missed the jacket completely and was tripped, landing against a crate and pushing it up against the wall.

"Ow," Near complained from the other side of the crate. Mello had almost squished him.

"Near, maybe if you could do a goddamn thing for yourself, I'd do a better job taking care of your ass," Mello lectured, as he got up once more.

"Do you want me to take over, Mello?" Near monotoned, crawling up the stack of crates as Mello and L circled each other looking for openings.

"I'd like to see you try!" Mello called out towards the crates, as Near peaked out at him, seemingly out of it, looking around the room at the slapdash stacks of boxes, and shelves lining the room with their jars and jars of candy.

"And if I do a better job, you won't just get angry, and sad, and also a third emotion that is kind of a wild card?" Near quizzed, darting from one hiding place to another to keep up with the conversation as the tense stalemate of a fight continued.

"You're a 90-pound, uncoordinated asthmatic who sits inside the house on his ass all day," Mello answered as he launched an easily parlayed attack towards L just because he felt like there hadn't been enough action in the past few sentences. The sword swung wildly through the air with a swish that even sounded sharp, but L was too quick, and still very much in the spirit of a matador, finding some amusement (but mostly annoyance) in his situation.

"Fights can be won with brains instead of brawn, Mello."

"But mostly with weapons," Mello finished, brandishing his sword with pride in winning the argument, chocolate-cravings, and security in his tactical advantage.

L flung the torn jacket like a whip at Mello's sword as the blonde was distracted, wrapping it with cloth and making it harmless even as it sat in his adversary's hand. Mello hadn't known that L knew how to do something like that. He pulled his hand back instinctively, drawing L closer to administer another kick to the face before Mello could react.

He staggered backward instinctively, tripping himself on the broom that that Near had used to bean L on the way into the storeroom. Luckily, he didn't hurt himself with the sword as he fell, but the broom intertwined with his legs and hurt his shins. L wasted no time in jumping Mello and grappling with him to repossess the sword. On the floor, he realized that L tripped him on purpose - he wasn't only masterfully improvising, appropriating things from his environment for his advantage - He was planning and seeing several moves ahead, like a chess game!

L, the larger and frankly better of the two, won the grapple for the sword easily, although Mello was able to get back to the other side of the room unscathed.

"God damn it, Near. I get it now. Team up time, let's get it over with," Mello yelled, as he watched Near playing with some candy and looking around with boredom.

"I've had just about enough of this odd-couple bullshit from you two. There will be absolutely no team-ups," L wearily demanded, pointing Mello's sword at both of them.

The blonde grabbed his helpless friend protectively, and began backing away from the armed man. But the younger seemed calm, and intent on walking around with a large jar of colourful little sourballs like nothing was wrong and no one was defiantly going to stab them. Indulging him, because it was easier than restraining him AND defending, Mello began the slow creep along the perimeter, followed at every step by L, who was intent on not letting them near the exit. Near seemed preoccupied with the broom, and as he reached it, he handed the jar to Mello.

L's eyes widened, "Damn it, no!" he managed to yell, as Near suddenly stabbed the cleaning utensil into the base of the tottering stack of boxes he'd surveyed earlier, causing it to topple, forcing L to jump backward and avoid being hit.

Near grabbed Mello's hand and pulled him roughly towards the middle of the room, taking back his jar, he hurled it onto the ground in front of L, shattering the glass and sending sourballs rolling everywhere.

He made for the exit with Mello in tow, sliding the broom along the shelves and causing a whole row of the jars to shatter and spread their contents, along with broken glass, onto the hard floor. When they were out of the room, they closed the door behind them and Near handed Mello the broom.

Mello was able to process what happened almost instantly, "Of course. He was barefoot! It's totally dark in there with the door closed, and the broken glass and candy will keep him from being able to get out quickly. He's still going to get out eventually, though. We gotta cheeze it."

"Yes, now we call Matt and get out of here," Near agreed.

"That win back there was mostly me, by the way," Mello interjected.

"I'll let you come up with the plan on what to do with the rest of our lives then," Near sighed.

Back upstairs, Matt was chasing after Light. His phone rang, but there was no time to answer it. Mello and Near would defiantly have to know the new news that Light was Kira - that would change everything. But the phone call could mean that they were already out.

"He's not answering," Near informed Mello.

"Oh shit," Mello whined, "is this going to be a scene where we all run around the whole god damn building chasing and looking for each other?"

"Yes," answered me, the author.

"NO!" disagreed literally everyone.

"It says that in the outline," I told them.

"This chapter is a frigging monolith of tl;dr!" Mello berated me.

"Fine."

After a rousing 5-way chase scene that would have been very fun, yet predictable, the characters all ended up in the control room, except for Matt. Things were not looking good for Near and Mello, who were attempting to find Matt on the security system, as Light and L had cornered them. L still had the sword, and Light looked pissed off from not being able to change out of his ruined clothes.

"Just give up now," Light said in an even tone.

"No fucking way! I am WAY too pretty for jail or juvie! You're going to have to kill us!" Mello screamed casually.

"I don't want to die, but I'm also too pretty for juvie. I'll hold out and be a bother as well."

"Near, It's not cute when you say that," Mello berated complacently.

"I really don't feel like dealing with another contrived fight scene," L sighed, "But…I do have a bit of a spiteful side, and I seek revenge for my previous loss," he decided, jumping into an intimidating stance and menacing with his katana.

Near and Mello's blood ran cold as they braced themselves for a more mismatched two-on-two fight.

Just then the control room door burst open to reveal the climax.

"Wait just one moment," an unfamiliar aged voice rang out from behind L. A moustachioed old man in a smart tuxedo could now be seen, and behind him was none other than Matt.

"Mr. Whammy?" Near questioned incredulously.

"Alfred! I mean… Wattari!" L cried, dropping his sword and then throwing his arms around the old man, "You're not dead after all!"

"Dead?" Wattari questioned.

"I found him in the [think of a place later, it's an obvious ass-pull anyway, or don't, the readers will just think that you're making fun of them with such a crappy and obvious concept anyway. Failure.]" Matt said. "Anyway, that doesn't matter now. Light is Kira!" he yelled.

"I know." L said, in his creepy blank way.

"But… you solved Kira!" Mello stated with confusion and worry.

"Yes, I did."

"But –" Mello started.

"Misa Amane is Kira," L and Light both said in unison, "We thought that there might have been a primary Kira but it turns out that she worked alone," they continued, still scarily in unison.

"Oh, of course," Near realized, addressing Light, "You fell in love with L half-way through and made a deal to blame Kira on some girl you hate so that you could be the World's Greatest Detective successor instead of just use magic to kill people and turn that into a career somehow."

"Pretty much." Light agreed, "You jealous?"

"Yes!" Near moaned.

"Good, because we're better than you in every way. No one has ever gone to Syrian kid-prison that I just made up as much are you three are going to Syrian kid-prison that I just made up now, chumps," Light gloated over Near.

"This shit isn't fair, you only want him as your successor because you're dating," Mello shouted at L, full of teenage angst.

L shrugged, "Well, I'm sure that you orphans might have an inkling that life isn't fair."

"Now, L," Wattari chided in a fatherly yet subservient manner. It was his last line in the story, and was immediately ignored because he is an old man and not pretty at all.

"Plus you're harbouring the most prolific murder since Pol Pot!" Matt shouted, annoyed that no one else had brought that little fact up.

"Matt is right." Near said indifferently, suddenly full of confidence and love for Matt, "And that makes you our bitch."

"Yeah," Mello suddenly smirked, while Matt blanched, "You wouldn't want that little fact to get out. "

"How are you going to prove it?" Light rolled his eyes.

"I set the phones to record everything," Matt answered sheepishly.

"There's no way!" Light yelled, his look shifting from put-together to gobsmacked freaky grapenuts, "You can't just pull something out of your ass that changes everything like that at a climax!"

"Welcome to this series, jackass," Mello quipped with amusement, derision, and anger, "I guess everything went exactly-"

"Exactly as planned," Near cut him off, wanting to be the one to say it. Mello, with a mix of rage, disappointment, and admiration for Near, pushed Near down and was immediately forgiven by the readers.

"THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU PLANNED ALL OF THAT," Light screamed with a dramatic spaz-gesture, flipping out in that way that he does when he gets beaten by children.

"Favourite children," L said, "Let's make a deal. I am impressed that you were able to form a plan, travel all of this way, find our secret headquarters and take out two of us before I foiled you. Perhaps Light, Wattari, and I can use out infinite money and connections to set something up, since there are only three of you to deal with."

"Awesome!" Mello said, helping Near up.

"What about our revenge? L turned out to be a bad person, and we're letting him just go on and friggin' marry Kira because we don't have to go to workhouses anymore?" Matt whined, "It's like we came all this way for stupid self-interest and pettiness instead of justice!"

Everyone in the room stared at him blankly/creepily/intimidatingly/crazily/old man-ishly for a moment, wondering what was wrong with Matt for believing in justice.

Near, somewhat less in love with Matt, indifferently and curtly reminded, "We told you. We're morally ambiguous."

"Well, this has been interesting," L said, "Let's go resolve everything and get you three out of our lives. I've got cases to solve and people to marry."

And with that, they headed to the end of the story, finally.

"Matt," Near said to get the redhead's attention while grabbing the hem of his clothing as they walked. When Matt looked at him, he just looked away and toyed with his hair awkwardly for a moment before saying, "I was going to awkwardly confess my love for you, bu-"

"Not going to happen, Near," Matt said, pulling away, "I'm already in love with Mello."

"Yes, I know, and he is in love with me," Near rolled his eyes at the stupid situation before they all burst out laughing again.

"Ok, Ok." L chuckled, "I'll solve this along with everything else. Mello and Matt, you date each other."

"What about me?" plied Near.

"No one cares. You can be forever alone or part of some stupid heterosexual beta-pairing with some crap female OC."

"Hahaha! A girl," Mello laughed, vindicated, disappointed, and brimming with triumph over Near, "Enjoy your syphilis, loser."

"Syphilis is not the clap, Mello, and neither is cooties," L corrected him, "What are they teaching you for sex-ed at orphan academy?"

"I don't know," Mello heaved with boredom, disgust, and some sarcasm, "Something about STIs, and girls. I zoned out whenever I heard the word 'vagina'. I was like 'What the fuck, I'll never need this.' Girls will give you the clap was the gist of it."

"Stupid romance: Resolved. Now come on and we'll figure out what to do about the rest of your dumb lives, since you can't live with me and L," Light ordered.

"Don't listen to them. Date me in addition to Matt, I just… really crave your approval," Mello whispered to Near, with a mix of discomfiture, contentment, and daddy-issues. Matt totally heard this, but he was OK with it, because I didn't really write about his thoughts toward Mello in this chapter. The romance was not resolved, Light can go eat it. There is still one more chapter.


AN: I promised this within a week, but I failed. Sorry.

Please review it. I am going to reedit the previous chapters later, and I will probably take any suggestions! New chapter is soon, keep reading if you want to know what the kids get to do for the rest of their dumb lives.

I haven't named and shamed my reviewers in a while. Thanks DarkAngelJudas, Tailsdoll123, Lectorem, Inky-Shadow, CharizardCyndi and Florence Pinky-Poo for reviewing. Thanks to those that faved and subscribed too. See you soon with the conclusion.