Chapter Eleven: Mad World


"No!" Dudley said abruptly, and sat up. He looked around. It seemed he had finally fallen asleep, but he couldn't tell how long it had been. The room was sweltering and his bangs were stuck to his forehead. He glanced at his digital watch: It was eight in the morning. He knew there was something he didn't want to remember, so of course, at that moment, it hit him full force.

Sarah.

He slid off his bed and kicked off his clinging jeans; being only in boxers made it a little more pleasant. Curiosity getting the best of him, he creaked over to his desk and logged onto his computer, heart all ready racing. He figured he'd better get this out of the way before Mum and Dad unleashed their overdue parental wrath.

He had four new messages: one from Dennis (Hungpartyboy), another from Melanie (ShagSlag), one from Piers (TrueGangsta) and yes, one from Sarah (BabyGurlxo). He sighed aloud and clicked Sarah's, the one with the headline that said Where do you get OFF!.

Dudley,

How dare u walk away from me last nite—this is your problem to! What am I supposed to do about it. U better rite back—u fuckin liar, u said u loved me just last week, u really need to sort out your problems, how dare u. if I'm pregant u know this is your fault—u better write me back if u not man enough to talk in person!

SARAH

Dudley stared at her message fearfully and read it at least eight times before deleting it. He had no idea what to do! Why would she even ask him!? What was she supposed to do?

He certainly couldn't ask Mum.

He tried to push it out of his mind, and clicked on Piers' email: Dude, what's wrong?

Big D!

Your mum was all in a fit last night. What happened? She wouldn't tell me—not that I would have wanted to know from her. What's wrong. She knows about the gang, doesn't she? Didn't Dennis cover for you and say it was tea?

WRITE BACK!

Piers

Dudley took a deep breath.

Hey. Yeah, she was trippin out. she knows certin things, I dunno, I tried to throw her but she was onto me. I'll try today to lie again tho. She hasn't talked to Dennis or anybody. Don't tell nobody, Piers, or I'll fuck you over.

Dudley

He hit send, and opened Mel's (Tell me!) :

Dudley—What was the deal wit' Sarah? She is upset. She won't talk to me. What did you do to her? Make it better, she's so sad. She won't pick up her phone.

Luv Mel

"Ah, shut up," Dudley groaned, and deleted it immediately.

Subject: D, WHAT IS UP?

Hey, big dude, what the hell happened at my house last nite? Someone said they heard Sarah screaming about being pregs? Is that true?

Too bad you left. You would've won our chugging contest.

Melanie broke it off with Malcom before they even KISSED. Haha, you have to rub it in his face.

-Dennis

Hey, Dudley wrote back. No that is a fuckin lie. Pound whoever said that okay. She was just being a stupid bitch and if she says lies like that you shouldn't fuckin believe her.

Dudley

Another message popped onscreen.

Big D!

I figured something terrible happened. Don't worry; I wouldn't sell you out.

It'll blow over. Don't think about it.

Piers

Dudley pounded his fist on his desk. If only he had the gumption to tell them.

Looking around as though Mum was going to pop through his locked door, Dudley got onto a well-known search engine that he used at Smeltings to type in choice phrases and cheat on his English reports, and stared at the blankness of it. His fingertips dwindled over the keyboard before he finally typed one word: pregant.

Did you mean "PREGNANT"? inquired the search engine.

"Fuck you," Dudley snarled, and clicked the correctly spelled link.

The first ten sites that popped up all had to do with advice for "expectant mummies", as well as really weird sites with photographs of pregnant women posing with their other kids as though the world gave a shit about it.

However, he scrolled down further and found one titled Teens: Unsure of a Pregnancy? Use Our Checklist to Determine What Your Chances Are. Dudley nervously clicked it.

'Did you take part in intercourse?' prompted the site. Yes, Dudley selected.

'Were you using protection? (Condom, birth control?…Word to the wise: Even during oral sex it is best to use protection, and don't forget female condoms!)'

'What in the frick is a female condom?' he thought, and clicked No.

'Have you been experiencing one or more of the following signs: Irritability, Delayed or Change in Period, vomiting…'

Dudley stared at the screen. 'Sarah said she threw up, and… didn't have a period. And she's been a wench. Maybe that's like irritability.' He pulled on the collar of his shirt, afraid to go any further. Finally, he selected Yes.

The page began to load.

Your risk factor is HIGH. Schedule a check-up with your doctor as soon as possible to find out for certain.

"Fuck," Dudley said quietly.

--

After taking the longest shower he'd had in his life, making sure he spent more time than necessary on his hair, and shaving, Dudley walked slowly downstairs. Mum and Dad were sitting at the kitchen table with coffee cups in front of them. Dad was not reading the paper. This was a very bad sign.

Dudley stepped off the bottom step and it creaked under his weight. Both of his parents turned and stared at him as though he was acting unnaturally.

He paused and stared back at them, then continued into the kitchen.

Mum looked worried and Dad looked confused. They kept staring at him until he said throatily: "Morning."

Then they looked away.

Dudley stood still. He wished he had never come downstairs.

"Son," Vernon began, looking back up at him and running his fingers through his black mustache. "Your mother informed me that you two had ah—a conversation last night."

"Yes," stated Dudley dully. He was going to be as brief as possible. Unlike yesterday, he was going to stay calm.

Vernon paused in touching his facial hair and looked almost stern. "Would you mind telling me what it was all about?"

Petunia stared at her hands.

"I think Mum all ready told you," Dudley replied.

"Look, your Mother talked to me the best she could!" Vernon declared, raising his voice. "But she was upset and I want to hear what you have to say on the matter! So do us a favor, Dudley, and tell me what exactly is going on!"

"Vernon, please," Petunia whispered, shaking her head.

"'sokay, Mum," said Dudley almost softly, and turned to his dad. "I don't know—I guess I've been… doing some shi—"

--Both adults raised their eyebrows—

--"Stuff that wasn't… good," Dudley said lamely. Despite trying so hard to keep his cool, he could feel hot sweat all ready forming at the back of his neck.

"I suppose not!" Vernon exclaimed, clearly on his way to being mortified. "Would you mind explaining? We can sort this out, son—"

Dudley shrugged. "I—uh—well, I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Vernon!"

"Petunia! I'm simply trying to crack this matter! Obviously, there's something wrong and we need to fix it!" Vernon declared. He was unable to hold back any longer. "Mum says you've been drinking, Dudley. At parties?"

"Er…" Dudley looked down at Mum, who was gripping her coffee cup and closing her eyes. He felt as though he were on display, and should give a great, rallying speech. He'd have to disappoint. "Yeah," he nodded slowly.

"With your mates then?" Vernon prodded, much more calmly than Dudley was expecting.

"Er… yes."

Vernon's voice lowered considerably: "A bit of fun, then?"

Dudley's eyes widened and then went back to normal. "Yes?"

Petunia looked up, also surprised.

"When did it start, son?"

Dudley shrugged again. "This year, 'cause like, some upperclassmen on my boxing team did it, so we'd… er… have some fun after matches when we'd win."

Vernon looked at Petunia brightly. "I told you! It's not really anything to worry about, Petunia—nothing dangerous, bit of a tradition, was it, Dudley?"

"Uh… Yeah!" Dudley put in hopefully. 'Dad understands!?'

Petunia pursed her lips. "I don't like the idea of it." She made a sad face at Dudley. "You're not an alcoholic, are you, honey?"

Both Dudley and Vernon snorted at the same time.

"Nah, Mum," Dudley said, shaking his head.

"A bit of social drinking never hurt a bloke, Pet!" Vernon said, almost cheerfully. "Boys will be boys, and the boxing team's a rough crowd. Got to fit like a nail sometimes!"

"Yeah!" Dudley nodded. "Yeah, they told me to drink, y'know? Of course, it was never really a lot. I mean…"

"Just social drinking!" repeated Vernon.

Petunia look unconvinced. "But if it's only social drinking, then why carry on with it now?"

"Just a bit of fun with the mates, is all," Vernon explained. "There weren't any girls at that party, were there, son?"

Again, Dudley froze. "Yeah," he said.

Petunia nodded worriedly. "See, Vernon? This is what I was most worried about."

Vernon's expression had become a bit sterner again. "But Dudders is responsible. Right, son?"

"…Yeah," Dudley said bleakly.

"Everyone was fully clothed?"

"Yeah," Dudley repeated. 'Last night, yeah, pretty much. So, it's not a lie.'

"Tell your father about Sarah!" piped in Petunia urgently.

"Yes, Mum tells me you have a girlfriend."

Dudley stared at both of them. "What do you want to know?" he asked bluntly.

"Just trying to sort it all out, Dud," Vernon said. "Was she at this gathering last night?"

"Sort of," Dudley put in.

Vernon made a face, but decided against questioning the open-ended statement any further. "Well, calm us down, son. This Sarah, she… uh…" Now Vernon was trailing off.

Dudley waited, his ears all ready beginning to redden.

"Er… what I mean to say is…" Vernon fiddled with his moustache again and Petunia wrung her hands. "Remember what you and I spoke about… eh… before you went into third year, about?"

Dudley nodded, but he wished he didn't. When he was thirteen, Vernon had delivered a most flustered "Man-to-Man" chat. In this chat, Vernon had briefly spoken of certain things, such as deodorant, abstinence and what were only referred to as "those urges". At the time, thirteen-year old Dudley had been completely puzzled. Harry had made fun of him for weeks afterward.

"Well, you and this Sarah person," Vernon said gruffly," you've been sensible?"

"Sorry, what?" Dudley asked. He wanted to make sure he lied really well about this one.

"You haven't…" Vernon looked at Petunia and then said: "You haven't given into any of… those urges, have you?"

Dudley knew that was coming, but all the same, he blushed bright pink.

Petunia made a strange little noise; she was looking at the table again.

"No, Dad!" Dudley exclaimed, trying to screw up his face like in the old days when he didn't want to do something. "I haven't—of course not—" By raising his tone of voice and sounding whiny, he always managed to throw them off.

Petunia let out a sigh. "We don't need to worry, then?"

"Nah, Mum, course not," Dudley said. "Besides," he began boldly," I broke up with her because she was getting too serious." He gave a sharp nod to convince himself of this terribly twisted lie. He imagined Sarah's face reacting to it, and felt bad, but only for two or three seconds.

"That's my boy! See, Petunia?" Vernon immediately grabbed the newspaper, apparently satisfied.

"Well," warbled Petunia. "Just promise me you'll kick that drinking habit, Duddy. I don't want to worry like this ever again. And keep your language clean."

"Yeah, Mum, sure," he said positively. "Don't worry about it."

"But… according to Mrs. Polkiss, who actually was home today, you still have to be punished for a little more time. No seeing your mates for awhile, all right, honey? Take some time to cool down?"

"Yeah, fine," Dudley nodded, walking toward the stove and making a face at the oatmeal that was waiting for him in the pan. He didn't care at this point if he saw anyone again. Especially now that his parents were sorted out.

"Oh, Dudley," Petunia said, and stood up, wrapping her arms around him. "How responsible of my Duddy to break it off with that girl," she said, spitting out the last word disdainfully. "I love you ever so much and I never want you to scare me like that again!'

"'kay," Dudley grunted, but patted her shoulder. "Love you, too. But ah…" He tried to be casual. "You didn't tell Piers' mum about it, did you?"

Petunia's eyes got bigger. "Why, no. Of course not." She massaged Dudley's arm and walked in front of him to serve his breakfast. "We wouldn't want the neighbors talking," she said.

Dudley bit his lip. 'Always the neighbors,' he thought bitterly. It sure hadn't taken a lot to convince Mum and Dad of his innocence. He was a little disappointed.


AN: It was my birthday this week! So since you got this far, you should leave a review and tell me what you think! The power of Dudley compels you!