November 5th, 2010
As I moved down the aisles, I recited the grocery list in my head. Shopping for food was one of my least favorite chores because of how monotonous it felt.
The store was small, and I'd had the floorplan memorized since I was five when I'd tried to steer my mother in the direction of the candy without her catching on until I could snare her in. Grocery shopping trips these days meant heading straight for what I needed, grabbing it, paying for it, and leaving. No stops that weren't necessary.
I rounded the corner into the cereal aisle, freezing when I saw Tiffany Call debating between two boxes that she held in her hands.
How had I not been able to tell that it was her before she was right in front of me? I cursed myself.
Of course, there was no one else in the aisle, and when Tiffany realized that someone was there, she glanced up. I never had a chance of getting away, cart and all, no matter how quick my wolf reflexes were. I was too frozen in fear to think straight.
Her eyes flickered away at first, not having expected to have landed on me, but she glanced back again, this time taking in the details of my appearance.
I expected anger or, at the very least, annoyance. I hadn't seen Tiffany Call since breaking up with her son, and that had been on purpose. It had become an art. One that I developed as ardently as the art of avoiding her son, although I was less talented at the latter all things considered.
"Leah," Tiffany said out of surprise. She hadn't been expecting to see me either, but I was shocked when the edges of her mouth tilted up in a small grin.
"Hi," I said quietly. Hearing the rasp of my voice, I cleared my throat. "Hi," I repeated. "It's, uh, it's nice to see you."
Tiffany smiled and turned to place both of the boxes she had been holding back in their respective places on the shelf. I felt my heart hammering in my chest, and I wondered if there was a way for me to escape while her attention wasn't focused on me. She turned around before I could work up the nerve to abandon my cart and flee.
Having done so would have humiliated me the next time I saw her, which was sure to happen. You couldn't avoid anyone in La Push forever. There always came a time when you had to face it and talk to them. This was going to be that moment for Tiffany and me.
"How are you doing?"
I hadn't been expecting that question from her, let alone for it to come right off the bat. My eyes widened as I looked at her, taking in the honest curiosity and, I struggled to believe it, care that her expression held.
"I'm fine," I told her.
Her neutral expression turned into a frown as she heard my generic answer to her question, but I wasn't sure what else there was for me to say. I wasn't about to open up and tell Tiffany Call that I felt like shit because I was still hung up over her son who I had dumped. That wasn't a conversation you had with your ex's mother, let alone in the supermarket.
"How are you?" I asked before she could say anything else. Her frown deepened as she realized that I was going to keep this conversation as firmly in the territory of smalltalk as I could.
It's not like such a thing should have come as a surprise to her. Tiffany and I had never had a conversation that one could consider deep. Most of the times we'd talked had been little more than an exchange of a few words or sentences. Most of what I knew about her came from other people. Primarily Embry. We'd never gotten to know each other, and such a thing was not going to happen when she was the mother of my ex.
"I'm fine too," she replied sardonically.
I played along, muttering, "Good, good."
Tiffany shook her head, and I knew I wasn't getting away with it. My fear was only increasing as I remained standing there. The anticipation over when Tiffany would bring up Embry was about to drive me to insanity. I was almost to the point where I thought that I might bring him up myself to make the madness stop.
"How are you really?" Tiffany asked this time.
I let the question linger between us as I debated my answer. Clearly, the same answer as before wasn't going to cut it. I had to say something to get her off my back, but I wasn't sure how truthful I could be without facing other consequences.
"I…" I looked around the aisle, taking in the various cereal boxes that I hadn't shown this much interest in since I was a child. "I've been better," I settled on, hoping that would be enough.
It was the truth.
Tiffany nodded as if I'd given her an answer that she approved of, but she didn't look any happier. She sighed and took a few steps in my direction, pushing her cart along with her.
It was the first time I had realized that the length of half the aisle still separated us. Not the sort of distance kept between two people holding a normal conversation. Yet her advance felt threatening, and I had to fight against the urge to back out of the aisle all together.
"Yes, Embry keeps answering me the same way when I ask him that question," she said as she came to a stop at what should have been nothing more than a reasonable distance. It still felt like she'd invaded my personal space.
My heart skipped a beat at the mention of Embry even though I'd known it would come.
It had been months since the break up, yet Tiffany sounded sure that any odd behavior on the part of either Embry or me had to be due to the break up. I could tell from the way she looked at me, and she was right, of course. At least about me, but it felt off putting that she would feel so sure of herself that she needed nothing more than a vague answer from me to have her suspicions confirmed.
I didn't say anything else in response. I wasn't sure what I could say. While I had always admired Tiffany, I'd never talked to her much. Somehow, she'd always managed to put me on guard for some unexplainable reason. I felt that again now, and it drained any desire I might have had to converse with her.
She sensed this too, which was a new development. In the past, she had always acted like we were close. Like she was some kind of second mother to me despite how little we communicated. The fact that I didn't know what to do or say around her had never seemed to cross her mind. She was oblivious to it. Or at least I had always thought so.
Now, though, she inspected me, taking in the unsure looks and tense posture. A look of realization came over her face as she saw how clueless I was over what to say next. There wasn't a sense of judgment there that I had been expecting, however. I had expected Tiffany to be angry with me after everything I had done. I had thought that she wouldn't show me any mercy. Instead, a soft, careful expression passed over her face.
Her eyes were more caring than they had ever been, at least when they were directed at me. If it was possible for me to regret breaking up with Embry more than I already did, I would have after receiving that look.
"Sweetheart," Tiffany said. I tensed as I felt her hand touch my shoulder. She sensed it too, and withdrew from me. I relaxed when I felt the weight of her hand lift from my shoulder, and she sighed as she continued to take in my appearance.
There was a moment of silence where I stared down at my haul. I tried to remember my shopping list and compare it to the items I had already placed in the cart, but my mind could only focus on Tiffany still standing there. The list didn't want to come to the forefront, and instead, I zeroed in on a bag of rice, willing Tiffany to walk away.
She didn't. I listened to her shuffle around as she tried to figure out what to do, but she didn't leave. I waited with dread for her to speak, and when she did, I tried to brace myself for whatever the words might be.
"I was happy when I heard that you and Embry were dating," she began. The words surprised me enough that I looked up at her, not expecting to see the small grin that graced her lips. While I had known Embry was likely to come up again, I hadn't expected it to be in that way.
"You were?" I asked, my voice raspy from my nerves.
Tiffany gave a little laugh at that, causing my stomach to twist into knots. "Of course I was," she replied as if it had been obvious. "You know," she leaned towards me conspiratorially, "Embry still seems to think I was never aware of his crush on you, but it was damn near impossible for that. He used to blush bright red each time he was near you. It was hard to miss. Even when he was a toddler, he was smitten. The two of you were adorable when you used to come into the store with your mother. He got excited whenever you came to play with him."
I looked away again. I'd heard both my mom and Embry tell me about this part of the past, but I'd never heard Tiffany Call speak about it. I'd never stopped to think about what she must have thought about me all those years ago. It had never seemed important. I would have been nothing more than another little girl who happened to be the child of one of her friends. I hadn't known that my actions were inspiring any lasting feelings, not in Embry and certainly not in his mother.
"The way you made him light up," Tiffany continued, "was enough to make me fond of you, and I guess that fondness never went away. Possibly because the way you affected him, the way you made him happy, never stopped." She took another step closer, causing me to glance up again. "It still hasn't stopped. It might seem like it has with how terrible you've both felt, but it hasn't."
I shifted on my feet, putting an extra inch between us in an attempt to breathe easier. "I know it hasn't," I replied in a whisper, unable to believe that I'd worked up the courage to say that much. I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I spoke. "Nothing's changed."
Tiffany nodded, looking satisfied that I'd given her such an answer. Her grin was larger than it had been throughout our conversation, and I was surprised at how little sadness she seemed to be showing considering our topic of conversation. I'd expected to get anger from her above all else, but here she was proclaiming her fondness for me and managing to look happy. It was like I had stepped through a looking glass without realizing it.
"The two of you are something else," Tiffany said. I watched her, almost mesmerized. "I never found true love, although I thought I had for a while. I've even entertained the idea a few more times since Embry was born, but it never comes through in the end. I guess I still have some years left, especially with Embry out of the house. But that's not the point. The point is that even I can see what you and Embry are like. It's the same sort of thing that I've never had, and I know that means that you'll work it out in the end. I'm not worried."
"Not worried even though I broke your son's heart. Shouldn't you hate me?"
I couldn't let those worries linger in the air any longer, and I winced as I admitted I had them, sure that I'd managed to crack through to some inner anger within Tiffany that she'd been concealing. But she only laughed again.
"We all have to deal with heartbreak, sweetheart. You did before this, and I think experiencing it for himself will prove good for Embry in the long run. You'll both get your happy endings."
I stared at her in shock, unable to believe anything she had said. With a wink, Tiffany pushed her cart past me. I stared after her as she left, still unable to believe the entire encounter had happened.
Before long, I would surely be discovering that I had crossed over into an alternate universe.
November 13th, 2010
Tiffany's words tumbled around in my head for the following week, joining the chorus of words from just about everyone in my life.
All of them thought I'd fucked up, even if some of them were nicer about how they said it. Even Tiffany's kind words held the same message as Rachel's brash ones. They built upon each other in my thoughts until they were creating a racket that I couldn't escape from throughout the day and night.
They weren't thoughts that I could ignore, and with the consensus screaming at me, they weren't opinions that I could discount either. At first, I had been able to, repeating my mantras about doing the right thing to myself.
Now my previous confidence had been trampled into the dust.
I'd fucked up. I'd known that I'd fucked up for ages, even since the beginning, but I'd been convinced that having fucked up meant that I was doing the right thing by getting out of Embry's life. So, I'd countered fucking up with continuing to fuck up instead of trying to fix anything.
Because I was the worst human being.
And I was going to continue to be the worst if I didn't fix anything.
There was a lot of noise coming from inside the apartment. I could hear it when I was down the hall. The fact that it didn't fade as I approached meant that they were clueless to my presence outside, too caught up in whatever it was they were doing inside.
I knocked, and everything happening inside paused. I heard their voices hush and the giggling stop. By the time Jacob pulled the door open, I was wringing my hands. Behind him, I could see Claire and Nessie sitting on the floor across from each other as if they had been playing before looking up at me in curiosity. Quil was further behind them, sitting on the couch.
Embry wasn't in sight, but I knew that he was somewhere inside.
"Leah," Jake said, sounding stunned to see me. My heart hurt knowing that this wouldn't have been strange in the past. These days I rarely stepped foot here, and when I did, it was only for pack business. "What's up? Do you need something?"
Jacob didn't make a move to let me inside the door, almost as if he didn't think I'd want to come inside.
"I need to talk to Embry," I stated. It was as simple as I could be about my intentions.
Jake's eyes widened. While I kept my attention on him, I could see Quil, Nessie, and Claire watching me from the living room, Nessie even leaning over to get a better look at me without Jake obscuring her view.
No one said anything for a moment. Just as I was about to lose my nerve, Jake came to his senses. "Right. Okay. Wow. Um, come ahead inside, and I'll...I'll go get him."
I nodded, stepping inside the door as Jake moved out of the way. He hurried down the hall towards Embry's room, almost tripping in his haste. I sighed. It wasn't like I was unaware of how much everyone else wanted us to get our shit together—or, rather, for me to get my shit together—but I, admittedly, hadn't expected Jake to look that eager at the possibility.
Quil and the girls were staring at me in silence, and I summoned up my best glare despite my nerves. It only worked on Claire, who turned away once my eyes found her. Nessie continued to stare, mouth open as she gawked. Quil, on the other hand, smirked as if he had known all along that this would happen and he wasn't surprised. I zeroed my gaze in on him.
"What, Ateara?"
He shrugged, looking too pleased for someone who hadn't done a thing. He leaned back against the couch, arms crossed, like he was the one in charge. "Nothing," he said. "It's just about damn time."
I rolled my eyes and looked away, listening for any sounds coming from down the hall. If Jake and Embry were talking, they were doing so in whispers low enough for a wolf not to hear from the living room. I imagined that they had to be reading each other's lips, and that knowledge did nothing to settle my nerves over what was being said.
By the time Jacob came back down the hall, I'd managed to convince myself that Embry didn't wnt to see me. My heart stuttered when he appeared behind Jake.
The entire walk to their apartment had consisted of me trying to prepare myself. I thought I'd managed well enough that I could keep my composure, but just seeing Embry walking down the hallway with the knowledge that we were about to talk was enough for me to feel like my legs were about to give out from underneath me.
He only glanced at me, keeping his eyes on the carpet beneath his feet more than anything else. It hurt my heart to see him like this.
When he and Jake reached the living room, they stood there awkwardly, the silence hanging between us.
"So," Jake began, rubbing his hands together, "Quil, why don't we take the girls to the park?"
"It's past dark," Embry said with a roll of his eyes, his voice sending a jolt down my spine. "Stay here. Leah and I can go, right?" he asked, turning to look at me.
It was hard to get my brain to work, but I did manage a nod in response. It was what I had been planning on from the beginning, but I hadn't been able to get as much out before Embry spoke. "Right," I said after too long of a silence.
I turned to walk towards the door, catching a glimpse of Quil trying to hold back his laughter. It was tempting to reach out and shove him, but doing so might have revealed how my hands couldn't stop shaking. Instead I focused on opening the front door and not embarrassing myself.
Embry's footsteps were quiet behind me, but I could sense that he was there as if we were magnets being pulled towards each other. I didn't glance back at him until we were in the parking lot of the apartment building.
"Can we go to the cliff?" I said, being careful to say 'the cliff' instead of 'our cliff' like I was inclined to do.
Embry's eyes widened at the request, but he controlled his features quickly, giving me a short nod of consent.
This had been my plan from the beginning. The cliff felt like the right place to have this conversation, but I was also aware that, if this went wrong, my memories of the place would be ruined forever. I didn't want that. If there was one particular place where I had fallen in love with Embry, it was our cliff.
But I didn't let myself worry about would could happen in the coming hour, or, at least, I tried not to let myself worry. Instead, I tried counting my footsteps as we made the walk, Embry as quiet as ever behind me.
I hadn't thought of how to handle the silence on the walk to the cliff when I had been planning to ask him to come with me. I wished that I had, so I could have had an idea of what to say that wasn't my carefully rehearsed speech that I planned to give once we reached our destination.
With nothing to say between us, I let the silence linger and tried to pretend as if it were natural. It had, after all, not been strange for Embry and I to share silences. There just hadn't been this same sense of discomfort in the air back in those days.
Finally, the trees thinned and the top of our cliff came into view. I hadn't been here in months. That visit had been too painful with the knowledge that I no longer had Embry at my side, and I hadn't come back since.
Seeing it now brought back so many memories that it was overwhelming, but remembering how many peaceful mornings had been shared here also helped boost my confidence that I could fix what had happened between us.
It had to. I didn't know what I would do otherwise.
Still not speaking, I settled into the spot I had always taken in the past, and I felt elated when Embry did the same, not shying away from me and sitting somewhere else. No, he was close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, and that gave me more comfort than anything had up to that point.
That relief was short lived as I remembered that the time had come for me to confess. Embry's continual frown didn't help settle my nerves as I tried to prepare myself.
"I love you," I blurted out before I could lose my nerve. It wasn't the opening I had been going for, but it would have to do. There was no turning back once the words were in the air between us.
Embry's expression softened enough for me to notice, but he still frowned, watching me as if scared that I was about to hurt him all over again.
Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to continue, trying not to chicken out based on Embry's response. "I never stopped loving you, and I know that you know that. I was always scared of saying those words though. Like they held the power when they didn't. The power was in what we felt for each other, and that was there whether we were willing to acknowledge it or not.
"But I was scared of that, and I panicked. Obviously. You know that, so I shouldn't force us to relive it, but I couldn't escape this idea that fate wanted my future to be doomed, and somewhere along the line, I became convinced that was my fault. I was the reason I couldn't have a happy ending. My relationships were doomed to failure, so...I doomed our relationship by breaking up with you.
"I know that's the stupidest fucking thing I could have done. It became this self-fulfilling prophecy, and it was idiotic of me not to realize that before I did it." Tears had begun to fall down my cheeks, but I couldn't bring myself to stop them. Not when I could see them shining in Embry's eyes too. "I was terrified. Of you. Of the future. Of everything, and even though I swore that I was helping you by getting you out of the relationship before it could implode, I just fucked everything up on my own."
Embry watched as I struggled to control my breathing. My tears were still falling, but I wasn't yet crying enough that my vision was impaired by much. Embry reached out and brushed the moisture off my cheeks, causing me to shiver.
"I figured it was something like that," he said as calmly as I would have expected.
It was next to impossible to read his emotions, and I had prided myself on beingg able to do so before the I was left wondering if time had destroyed that skill or if, in this particular instance, Embry putting on a mask more effectively than ever before.
"Leah," he said, and my name came out sounding so pained that my stomach tightened. "I don't know what to say to you. There is nothing to say. I know you were scared, but you shouldn't have been, and I know you already realize that."
He cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath.
There was a new look in his eyes. Something unusual for Embry. It scared me, not knowing what it meant.
This was the most lost for words I had ever seen Embry. He wasn't one who always needed to speak, but when he did, you were able to tell how much thought he had put into what he was saying. Not now. He was struggling to put his thoughts into words. For once, I didn't feel like I was fumbling through a conversation that Embry had already mastered.
At any other point in time, that might have left me feeling relieved and thankful, but in that moment, I felt scared above everything else. This wasn't like Embry, and I wasn't sure what to make of it.
"It scares me," he admitted, voice wavering. "The idea of being with you after what happened." I sucked in a deep breath and held it as I listened. "After what happened... I do still love you. You have to know that, but it scares me. What if I trust you again, and in another bout of panic, you throw it away again? Leah, I don't know if I can live in fear that you'll bolt on me."
The silence fell between us again, but this time, I couldn't tear my eyes away from his.
Steeling myself, I said, "You're saying that you're scared of the future. You once warned me against that exact same thing, didn't you? You've told me over and over again that I need to stop worrying about that, and I'm here now telling you that I've realized that for myself. Are you going to be the one to run now?"
Embry stared at me in shock. While the words had flowed from my mouth with such passion and sincerity that I hadn't been capable of sounding unsure of myself, the immediate aftermath left the reality of what I'd said pressing in on me from all sides.
I held my breath until I was unable to take it anymore. I had to take the words back, but as I opened my mouth to say them, Embry leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I sunk into the kiss, unable to believe that it was happening but also unable to deny the reality of the feeling that engulfed me.
There was no way to know how long the kiss lasted. It felt like an eternity and a split second all rolled into one. Either way, Embry pulled away too soon, and I couldn't help the stab of fear in my stomach as he did so. What if he thought he'd made a mistake by kissing me? What if that kiss hadn't meant anything?
Those doubts and questions began to fade as Embry kept his face close to mine. He'd pulled away far enough that we could make eye contact. I could still feel his breath on my lips, and that didn't stop the tingling sensation traveling down my spine.
I waited with baited breath for Embry to say something. I could see it in his eyes as he worked out the words he needed to use, and there was a sense of comfort in so familiar of a wait instead of an anxious need to escape.
"I don't want to be scared either," Embry said, even as I could see a hint of fear in his eyes. "I don't. I want to be with you, Leah."
I watched him, trying to discern his intentions. "Embry, just this once can you please be explicit? What are you telling me?"
Embry took a long, deep breath. "I'm telling you that I want us to have a second chance even though it scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure when it will stop scaring me, but you're right, I can't let myself run. It's only a guarantee that we'll both get hurt instead of a chance. I'd be a coward."
"You wouldn't-" Embry cut me off with a sharp look, so I didn't try to defend him from himself. If Embry thinking the other options made him a coward meant that he would take a chance on me, I supposed that I shouldn't be arguing against it anyway.
Instead, I kissed him again, reveling in the feeling of being able to do so.
I still wasn't sure about the future, but I wasn't allowing myself to think about that. It would only ruin the present.
November 27th, 2010
It would have been nice if I could say that the next two weeks held a magical quality that led to everything negative disappearing. If I could say that Embry and I went right back to how things had been. If I could say that we were so wrapped up in each other that we managed to forget the rest of the world.
None of that was true. Most days I struggled to remember that we were together again. Largely because the sense of unease that had settled between us was proving harder to get rid of than I had anticipated.
The happiness of those around us felt awkward under the circumstances. Everywhere I went, someone wanted to congratulate me. It was shocking even after knowing that the people in our lives wanted us back together. I hadn't been prepared for the level of celebration that accompanied mine and Embry's new relationship.
Embry couldn't either. I could see it from the overwhelmed expression he got everytime we were faced with such congratulations while together. We had to struggle to get through them. That was all we could do.
And I may have snapped at a few people to shut up, leading to confused looks on their part, but I knew it would be brushed off under the assumption that I was still just a bitch. I'd found a lot of my questionable behavior got excused that way by others, regardless of what was behind my intentions.
No one other than the wolves of our pack expressed any worry over the fact that I remained unable to phase, even as Embry once again joined in the pack training sessions with no problems. Each day, I tried, and each day it failed once again. Embry and Jake assured me that it was fine, but each day brought a new level of panic as I obsessed over what could be wrong.
There was a sense of jealousy that sometimes bubbled up in my stomach when I remembered that Embry was one with his wolf once again, but I refused to let that become a barrier between us.
Despite how difficult our relationship often felt, Embry and I were trying, and that was all I could ask for. It was more than I had dared ask for not that long ago. When it felt like things were hopeless, I reminded myself of that.
Once again, we were meeting each other on our cliff each weekend morning to watch the sunrise. I kept wishing that it was possible for us to do so during the week, but between school and work, it couldn't be done. We had managed to on Thanksgiving before being forced back into reality due to the pack festivities that included both my family and Tiffany.
That day had felt awkward to an extent that nothing leading up to it had managed, and that Saturday, as Embry and I sat on the top of the cliff, sunlight beginning to peek over the horizon, I could feel the aftermath of it.
"When do you think it will feel normal again?" I asked. I'd been debating the answer to that question by myself for days, but this was the first time I had voiced it to Embry. It was the first time I felt like I had the courage to say it.
Embry was startled by the sound of my voice, stiffening for a moment before relaxing again. Or at least relaxing as much as he had been before, which was to say not as relaxed as I would have liked. He grinned at me though and reached out to take one of my hands in both of his, running his fingers along my skin.
"I don't know," he admitted. "But we're not worrying about the future, right?"
I rolled my eyes at the terrible attempt at a joke. "That's not the same thing, and you know it."
He sighed. "I do, but I don't know what else to say in response. There's no good answer."
I nodded before leaning over to rest my head on his shoulder. It was comforting and something I had longed to do again for so long. That hadn't changed much. Embry felt the same next to me. Feeling his warmth still comforted me. It was those sorts of things that reminded me that we were still us, and we'd be okay.
I knew we would be. We had to be.
Sometimes it was difficult to keep the fears at bay. I had let them in too much in the past for me to have a strong enough system to keep them out at all times now that I was trying. Embry seemed to be going through something similar, and knowing that made it easier for me.
"What if we went and got married? Just showed up at the courthouse, signed some papers, and then we'd be stuck with each other. Maybe that would get us over it."
When Embry didn't respond, I lifted my head, taking in his wide-eyed expression. I tried to swallow around my dry throat. "It was a joke," I clarified. "Just a joke."
But my own pathetic attempt at a joke felt like the worst idea I'd had all day now that I saw Embry's expression.
He shook his head as he saw me falter, but it was hard to feel any better about myself once I'd seen his initial reaction. "I know it was," he said, but I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth. I also wasn't sure why I'd thought it was a good idea to bring up marriage, even as a joke, considering how things had been between us. "It just caught me off guard," Embry continued. "I didn't know what to do, but Leah, it's okay. Really."
I nodded, not saying anything else. I'd been trying to break the tension, and instead, I had created more of it.
Embry's fingers began tracing shapes onto my skin again, but he trailed them up further along my arm, not confining himself to my hand.
"I do want to marry you, Leah. Someday. I don't want to show up at the courthouse tomorrow and be done with it. That works for some people, but it's not what I want."
"Me either," I admitted, feeling breathless from Embry's words.
Embry looked up at me with a smirk. "Good," he said. "Then we'll get there someday."
A/N: There's only one more chapter of the story. It's so strange to think that I'm almost done posting four stories in this series. Anyway, I'm going to get that chapter up within the next day or two. You won't have long to wait at all. I should wait to get all sentimental until then.
