Author's Note: Long time no see fan fiction. Your humble author could not sleep last night, but did however stumble across an old gem. A forgotten masterpiece which, according to the site I first published in November 6 of 2013. It is now almost August of 2015 and I am very proud to announce that during that span "Mailtime with General Tullius" has amassed 23 reviews, 21 follows, 14 favs, and 5,876 views as I write this. What's even more impressive is that the humble author has, within a span of roughly 22 months, pumped out a GRAND TOTAL of...10 chapters. Yes you heard right, nearly 2 years and I have produced 10 short chapters haha. I know, I know, but in my defense I'm just a desultory author who does this for fun. My noble readers, your humble author is truly sorry for having been away for nearly a year! But worry not dear friends, for my emotions have been stirred after re-reading mine own story and I will commit to reviving "Mailtime with General Tullius"! We begin by re-exploring some of my favorite General Tullius moments!
Dear Ulfric Stormcloak,
Thanks, but no thanks. Mine is bigger, stronger, and longer than yours. In fact I allowed Legate Rikke to take a ride on it the other day and she said although it was too fast for her at first, she got used to the rough pace. Now she rides it all the time when I'm not using it. So all things considered I'm going to have to decline your offer to trade horses.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Galmar Stone-Fist,
I was not aware that you had feelings for your commander and that you fantasize doing that with him everyday. I will do my best to rid myself of those images as soon as possible. It is also beyond me as to why you are bringing these concerns to me of all people.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Ri'saad the Khajiit trader,
What the hell are you talking about? You must be mistaken, I never ordered a delivery of skooma, I am not an addict like you low class cat-scum!
Meow meow, General Tullius
Dear Ralof,
What the hell? I cannot read your letter; it is a mix of chicken scratch and nordic slang. I was not aware that you and your sister do that, but I'll remind you that incest is banned within the Empire. Please do not write to me ever again while under the influence, imbecile!
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Dragonborn,
Yes I would be delighted to attend the negotiations as long as Ulfric acts like a human being and controls his inner scumbag.
Regards, General Tullius
P.S. And yes of course I memorized and will respect the Greybeards' house-rules
Dear Elewen,
Your highness that is atrocious, I would never try to attend an important meeting that will determine the fate of Skyrim without inviting you. You are welcome to tag along as long as you keep your illusion magic behind in your torture chambers.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Dragonborn,
Perhaps it's better you bring your problem to Bethesda or whoever designs the gameplay of Skyrim, cause just like you I have no idea why you can't block while duel-wielding two swords in game.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Savos Aren,
It is good to hear from you my gray friend, I hope studies at the college goes well. However I'm afraid I must decline your offer, I have no desire to be apart of your destruction magic experiment.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Nelkir (youngest son of Jarl Balgruff),
No, I'm not "another wander here to lick your father's boots" you insolent child. Another word and you will be properly punished. And do you know how punishment is carried out in the Legion? Let me tell you youngster, in the Imperial Legion people like you get a horsewhipping' by day and at night will be dragged out of bed and raped in the butt by the Redguards!
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Whiterun Guard,
Uhh no, no one stole my sweetrole. And nobodies gonna conjure you up a warm bed anytime soon either so I suggest you resume to your duties and stop bothering the Dragonborn. That arrow you took to the knee is nothing next to the arrow I took to my...butt hole back in the Great War.
Regards, Your Superior
Dear Rikke,
I'm sincerely sorry that I thought you had cheated on me and bore another man's child. It will never happen again. Our bonds will be tighter than a priestess's vagina from this day on. Speaking of bonds I arranged a wedding for us at the Temple of Mara next Sundas. Your friends (the ones that I didn't kill off in the Skooma Incident) are welcome to join us.
XOXO, General Tullius
Dear Dragonborn,
Dibella's tits, you're going to Solstheim? But, but you'll miss my wedding...There's nothing but barren wasteland and ugly knife-eared devil elves out there. Why would you want to spend time with the grey dirt of this Earth?
Regards, General Tullius
P.S. Please reconsider and come. It'll be fun I hired Argonion jugglers and Khajit sword swallowers.
Dear Dragonborn,
Ohh your a dark elf...this is awkward.
Regards, General Tullius
I suppose you could call this compilation an "ultimate remastered limited golden box edition" of Mailtime. What were some of your all time favorite Tulles quotes? I will try to actually come up with new material next time, sorry for the laziness :P
