Title of the Series: Scars Make Us Who We Are

Author: PsychoGlambertLIVE

Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. Any constructive criticism is appreciated.

Pairing: Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff/Sauli Koskinen, Adam Lambert/Kris Allen, Tommy Joe Ratliff/Isaac Carpenter, Sauli Koskinen/Katri Utala

Rating: MA18+

Summary: Adam is scheduled to go on a radio tour for a week, leaving Sauli and Tommy at home. When something completely unexpected happens on tour, Adam is faced with some very hard decisions. He knows that he has to keep what happened a secret; no one can ever find out. But when Sauli and Tommy discover the truth, other secrets come to light that leave all of them second-guessing their relationship.

Warning: Some of the sexual practices depicted in this work of fiction may inappropriate to some readers. Viewer discretion is advised.

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit, non-commercial work of fiction using the names and likenesses of real individuals. This fictional story is not intended to imply that the events herein actually occurred, or that the attitudes or behaviors described are engaged in or condoned by the real persons whose names are used without permission. The names of some of the additional characters appearing in this work of fiction have been changed to protect the individual's identity. The author intends no offense to anyone. The events appearing in the following text are products entirely of the author's imagination and are not meant to be in any way taken as having actually happened. The author owns none of the characters.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

All You Want Is To Be Wanted

Adam wakes up to pounding on the door. Slowly, he becomes aware of his surroundings-and what went on last night. Kris' arm is draped around him possessively, his face only inches from Adam's. Meanwhile, the pounding is still going on. For fuck's sake! I payed eleven hundred dollars for this room! You would think they could be a little more considerate for their guests and conscientious of what kind of people they allow in this establishment! When I get up, they are going to get an earful! What time is it anyway? Glancing at the clock, Adam nearly screams. 9:15. They were supposed to be out of here at 8:30 so they could make it to the first radio station by eleven! Untangling himself from Kris, he jumps out of bed. That is when he realizes that the pounding is on his door. Yanking on his pajama bottoms, he flings the door open, almost getting socked in the face from Monte's fist, which is poised to knock again.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Monte whisper-shouts. At least he has some decency not to yell in such a swanky hotel.

Adam barricades the doorway with his body so Monte cannot see inside. Sheepishly, he replies, "Sleeping?" Unintentionally, it comes out as a question.

Marc pushes Monte aside, pointing a finger in Adam's chest. "Lucky for you, the radio station is in town! Not a ten minute drive from the hotel! So you still have an hour and forty-five minutes until we have to be there."

Silently, Adam breathes a sigh of relief. "Then...what are you pounding on my door for?"

"Well," Monte answers, "we were going to go over the tour schedule with you and take you and Kris out for breakfast. But, since John and Steve can't find Kris, that's not happening at the moment."

That is when Adam finally notices Kris' managers standing in the hall behind his managers. He gives a little wave.

John steps forward, not amused. "Would you happen to know where Kris is?" he demands testily. "He hasn't been answering his phone all morning." His eyes narrrow as he takes in Adam's naked chest and the silver rings piercing his nipples.

Adam shakes his head. "No. No, I wouldn't have any clue where he is."

John glares at Adam for another minute before stalking off down the hallway, his phone already glued to his ear. Steve mutters an apology before following John.

Monte waves his hand at Adam. "Okay. Let us in."

Adam shakes his head again. "No."

Marc crosses his arms. "Don't piss me off," he warns.

"You don't understand!" Adam exclaims. "You can't come in right now!"

"What are you talking-" Monte is interrupted by a voice calling Adam's name.

"Adam?" Kris' voice carries across the room. "Where are you?"

Adam hangs his head, defeated. He opens the door wide. "Well, you might as well come in now," he says sarcastically. To Kris, he calls, "Thanks a lot, Kris."

Monte and Marc both stare at Adam. "He's here?" Marc sputters, disbelieving. "You told John that he wasn't!"

"Yes. I lied. Get over it," Adam replies, walking into the room, both his managers following.

Kris is sitting up in bed, the covers around his waist, covering up his indecency. He visibly panics when Monte and Marc walk in. Adam sits down on the bed next to him.

"Your managers are looking for you," Marc tells Kris.

Kris swallows, a blush spreading across his face. "They are?"

Monte looks at Kris with amusement in his eyes. "Did you and Adam have a good night?"

Glancing down, Kris mumbles something unintelligible.

"You have half an hour. Be ready." Marc gives Adam a look before walking out the door.

"I'll let your managers know you're in here," Monte says, following Marc.

Kris buries his face in his hands, embarrassed. "Oh my God."

Adam pats his back. "It'll be okay. They're jerks."

"Adam," Kris says, "you don't understand! If my managers find out I slept with you, they'll be beyond pissed! They'll kill me!"

"Relax!" Adam takes Kris in his arms. "Who cares what they think? They can't tell you what you can and can't do!"

Kris burrows his head in Adam's neck. "Okay," he mumbles.

"What? I can't hear you!" Adam teases.

"Okay!" Kris says louder, laughing.

Adam gets up. "I'll be right back. I just have to go get cleaned up." Grabbing his bag, he walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. Pulling out a box, he examines the instructions on the back. He's never done this before; he always goes to his stylist to have his hair colored. But Tommy does it at home all the time, so how hard can it be? And besides, it will be fun to piss off Marc and Monte.

Twenty minutes later, Adam steps out of the bathroom, a towel around his head, another around his waist.

"What the hell, Adam?" Kris asks, looking up from his iPad. "You're not dressed! What have you been doing?"

Whipping the towel off his head with a flourish, Adam strikes a dramatic pose. "What do you think?!"

Kris stares in open-mouthed shock. "You're hair...is blonde."

Sitting down on the bed, Adam takes Kris' iPad out of his hands. "Yes...Do you like it?"

Kris crawls across the bed so he can be closer to Adam. "Very much," he replies, running his fingers through Adam's hair. "Do you have your stylist in that bathroom or something? It looks really good."

"Thank you!" Adam beams. "It's my first time coloring my own hair."

Wrapping his arms around Adam, Kris murmurs in his ear, "I like it very much."

Shivering with pleasure, Adam can feel himself harden under the towel. He tugs at Kris' pants. "Off," he mumbles. Adam helps Kris wiggle out of the pajama bottoms. He lets the towel slip off of his waist. Both of them naked now, Adam crawls on top of Kris, kissing him. Reaching a hand between their bodies, Adam palms Kris' erection. Groaning, Adam grinds into Kris. Kris spreads his legs, wanting Adam fully. Fingers teasing the edge of Kris' hole, Adam reaches for the lube on the nightstand. Just as he's about to spill some in his hand, he hears the door click. They have just enough time to yank the covers over their bodies and spring a respectable distance apart before Monte and Marc walk into the room, followed by John and Steve.

"We interrupting something?" Monte asks, hiding a grin.

Adam glares at him. "How the fuck did you get in here?"

"Ah, how quickly we forget." Marc dangles the key card in front of him. "You gave me the extra key."

"Shit!" Adam swears.

"And I'd like to know what you-" John points an accusing finger in Kris' direction. "-are doing in here! And naked, no less." Kris starts to reply, but John cuts him off. "I don't even want to hear your excuses! I know what you were doing! You were fucking him!" He glares at Adam, disgusted. "You were fucking this piece of-" Steve puts a hand on John's shoulder, silencing him before he says something he really shouldn't. "Get up. Now," he commands Kris. He crosses his arms, waiting.

Kris, completely embarrassed now, looks imploringly at Steve, his tour manager.

Steve puts a hand on John's shoulder. "C'mon. We'll wait in Kris' room."

"Five minutes," John growls at Kris as him and Steve walk out the door.

Adam silently hands Kris his clothes from the night before. He glances over at Monte and Marc. "Privacy?" he hisses, pissed off now.

Monte and Marc both give him a look. Without a word, they walk into the adjoining living room.

"Sorry about that," he tells Kris, looking over at him.

"Sorry about my managers," Kris replies, cuddling into Adam. "I don't want to go."

Adam hugs him closer. "I don't want you to go either."

Sighing, Kris climbs out of bed, dressing himself right in front of Adam. Adam watches, not minding the show at all. Once he's dressed, Kris leans in and wraps his arms around Adam's neck, kissing him fully on the lips. "I love you," he whispers in Adam's ear.

"I love you, too, Krissifer." Adam smiles. "Talk to you later?"

"I'll text you," Kris promises. He kisses him one more time. "Love you," he calls as he walks out the door.

No sooner than the door clicks shut, Monte and Marc come back into the main room and sit down on the couch. "What the hell was that?" Monte asks, a disapproving frown on his face.

Adam immediately turns bitchy. "None of your fucking business." He gets up, still stark naked, and grabs his towel, wrapping it around his waist. "You don't have any say in who I sleep with!"

"What about his wife, Adam?" Marc reasons, trying to stay calm.

"None of your fucking business," Adam repeats.

"What happens when she finds out her husband has been sleeping with another man?" Monte challenges. "And what happens when your boyfriends find out?"

Adam sighs, really feeling guilty now when reminded of his boyfriends. "Kris and Katy aren't getting along. And Tommy and Sauli are not going to find out."

Monte only raises his eyebrows.

"THEY AREN'T!" Adam screams. "THEY AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING FIND OUT!"

Marc leaps up, putting his hands on Adam's shoulders. Adam always did have a temper problem. Quietly, he says, "Okay. They won't find out. But you need to calm down. Now." He pauses, waiting for Adam's breathing to return to normal. "Go get dressed. We have less than hour before we're supposed to be at the radio station."

"Fine," Adam replies, a hint of anger still in his voice.

As Adam steps into the bathroom to go 'put his face on,' Monte calls out, "And don't think you're not going to have repercussions for dying your hair."

Adam flips him off before slamming the door.


Tommy looks up from his spiked coffee as Sauli walks into the kitchen. "Morning," he greets softly.

Stopping in his tracks, Sauli answers, somewhat unfriendly, "When did you dye your hair?"

Tommy touches his bright purple fringe a little self-consciencely. "This morning."

"And you were up," Sauli states skeptically. He pours himself a cup of coffee. "Drinking again, I see."

Tommy presses his lips together. "Can we not argue with each other?"

"I don't know. You tell me." Sauli adds sugar and milk to his mug. "I know where you were last night, you know."

"And I know what you were doing last night," Tommy shoots back, pissed.

You don't know the half of it, Sauli thinks. "Oh, really. Tell me what I was doing."

Glaring at his boyfriend, Tommy spits, "You were fucking your ex-boyfriend!"

"Big deal! You were fucking Adam's drummer!" Sauli shouts.

"Bid deal?!" Tommy slams his coffee mug down on the counter, the liquid spilling over the side. "He's your fucking ex-boyfriend, Sauli!"

"Isaac is Adam's employee, Tommy!" Sauli mimicks.

"WOULD YOU STOP!" Tommy screams. "You're being childish! We're both in the wrong, okay?!"

Sauli crosses his arms angrily, still pissed at Tommy. "What are you going to do when Adam finds out about your affair with his drummer?"

Not being able to help himself, Tommy cuts back bitchily, "What are you going to do when Adam finds out your ex-boyfriend is staying in his house, and that you fucked him in the guest room? At least, I presume that's where you two did it, and not in Adam's bed!"

Flinging his hand out, Sauli slaps Tommy across the face-hard. Without Adam there to intervene, it starts in an all-out bitch-fest. Tommy grabs Sauli's hand, just as it's about to hit him again. He leaves several deep scratches in the skin as Sauli pulls his arm back in a fit of anger. In retaliation, Sauli grabs a hold of Tommy's purple fringe, yanking roughly. Tommy rubs his stinging scalp in irritation, staring at the strands of hair that Sauli pulled out.

"I believe these are yours," Sauli says smugly, holding out the pieces of hair still tangled in his fingers.

Tommy growls, launching himself at Sauli. He grabs Sauli's curls, raking his fingernails down his boyfriend's cheek. The scratches turn bright red almost immediately. Sauli screeches at the pain, wrapping his hands around Tommy's slender neck, choking him. Tommy pulls away, coughing. He grabs a sharp knife out of the block on the counter, raising it above his head threateningly. He advances on Sauli, backing him up against the wall. Sauli screams, holding his hands in front of his face in his only self-defense. Coming to his senses, Tommy lowers the knife, feeling horrible. Just as he sets it down on the counter, Sauli jumps forward, pushing Tommy down, and begins pulling his hair. Startled, Tommy falls, smacking his head against the tile floor, which causes stars to dance across his vision for a moment. Recovering his senses, Tommy punches Sauli in jaw, gaining the upper hand. The two men roll around on floor, throwing punches, pulling hair, and scratching each other anywhere they can.

A shout stops them before they can choke one another to death. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

Tommy and Sauli both stand up, glancing at the girl standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Ashley Dzerigian.

"Ashley!" Tommy exclaims. "What are you doing here?! And how did you get in?"

Ashley crosses her arms, a shocked look still plastered on her face. "The door was unlocked. Adam sent me check on you guys; and by the looks of things," she waves a hand toward Tommy and Sauli, "you needed to be checked on. I don't know, Adam must have ESP. Either that, or he's got cameras in the house watching your every move."

Despite their fight, Tommy and Sauli share a look of pure panic at the suggestion that Adam has cameras in the house; he's crazy enough to do such a thing.

"I think you need to explain to me what's going on." Ashley pulls out a chair, sitting down and giving them both a pointed look.

Tommy rubs his sore scalp. There is hard bump on the back of his head from where he hit the floor. His shirt is torn and he can taste blood in his mouth.

Sauli is not much better. There are deep scratches on his face and arms, some smeared with dried blood. They will take weeks to heal. And his jaw has already turned an ugly shade of purple where Tommy punched him.

Tommy does not know how they are going to explain this to Adam.

Tilting her head, Ashley looks closely at Tommy's face. "Is that a handprint on your cheek?"

Touching his cheek gingerly, Tommy chooses to ignore her. "Why did Adam send you here?"

Ashley glances around the kitchen. "You sure there aren't cameras in here?"

"Shut up," Tommy replies crankily.

Shrugging, Ashley turns back to Tommy, who is now seated across from her. Sauli is in the chair next to hers. "He said neither of you have been answering his calls or texts. He's getting worried, not to mention pissed." She raises her eyebrows in silent question for them to explain.

"I haven't felt like talking to him," Tommy answers bitchily. "What's your excuse, Sauli?"

Glaring at him, Sauli spits out, "I haven't felt like talking to him either!"

"Whoa!" Ashley holds up her hands, signaling for a time out. "What's with the hate?"

Not thinking, Sauli blurts out, "Tommy's having an affair with Isaac!" Too late, he slaps both hands over his mouth, his eyes wide in fright. "Sorry," he squeaks.

Ashley stares at Tommy, mouth open in shock.

Before she can say anything, Tommy fires back, "And Sauli's having an affair with his ex-boyfriend!"

Ashley whips her head around to look at Sauli, mouth open even wider.

"Well, since we're spilling," Sauli breaks in, "I also had sex with Katri last night."

"WHAT?!" Tommy screeches shrilly. "AND WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THIS?!"

Sauli shakes his head, looking miserable. "I didn't mean to have sex with her! I was drunk!"

Tommy turns to Ashley, who is shocked speechless over all these confessions of infidelity. "Sorry we had to drag you into this. You're not, by any chance, going to tell Adam about any of this?" When Ashley doesn't reply, Tommy adds, panicked, "ARE YOU?!"

"No!" Ashley lays her hand over Tommy's. "This is really none of my business, and I don't want to get in the middle of it. I won't tell Adam anything. But I think you two had better do something about this before he gets back and finds out what's going on from putting two and two together."

Tommy nods silently. "I'm sorry, Sauli. I didn't mean to fight with you."

"I'm sorry, too, Kitty." Getting up, Sauli walks around the table to where Tommy is sitting. They hug each other tightly. "I'm sorry I pulled your hair out."

"Sorry I scratched you," Tommy answers. He kisses Sauli on the lips, a short, sweet kiss. He stands up, pulling Sauli along with him. "Let's get some ice for your jaw; it's looking pretty bad."

Once they both clean themselves up and get ice on their wounds, they go into the living room with Ashley.

"Could I ask you something?" Ashley asks Tommy.

"Depends on what it is." Tommy pulls his feet up on the leather couch, wrapping his arms around his knees.

"When did this start with Isaac? And why?" Ashley crosses her arms, settling back in the recliner.

Tommy picks at a callus on his fingertip, stalling. "When Adam started dating Sauli, I was insanely jealous. So I thought, 'If Adam has Sauli, then I can have Isaac.' I think Isaac picked up on my feelings about Adam and Sauli's relationship, and he was, actually, the one who made the first move. The first time we fucked, it was on the bus. And, at the time, I didn't know it, but Adam knew what was going on. He walked right by my bunk when we were having sex. And I guess it was pretty obvious what we were doing." Tommy pauses, deciding how much more to tell. Looking over at Sauli, Tommy can see that he is really listening, trying to understand. He continues, "Adam got really pissed. He talked to me about it. I told him to fuck off; what I do and who I do it with is none of his business. Adam kissed me that night. Really kissed me. Like, not how he used to do on stage, ya know? It was more...meaningful." Tommy bites his lip, lost in memories. "That's when I knew that Adam really, truly cared for me. And as more than just a friend. He wanted more than friendship. But because I was so stupid he-"

"Wait," Ashley cuts in. "What do you mean, 'you were so stupid?'"

"The day I walked into auditions," Tommy explains, "Adam was checking me out. I knew he was gay, so I blurted out, 'I'm straight!' Adam laughed at that. He thought it was hilarious. It wasn't funny to me, though, 'cause I thought he was hot." Tommy sighs, examining his chipped black polish on his fingernails. "There was so much sexual tension between us, though. Because I liked him, and I knew Adam was always one for breaking the rules, I told him he could do anything he wanted to me on stage. The AMA's was the first time we kissed. After the show, Adam came up to me, worried that I would be pissed about his impromptu kiss. I told him it was cool. Then I kissed him again. He was shocked, which was unusual, because very rarely can anything ever shock him."

"So that became a thing for you two, then. The kissing, I mean," Ashley surmises.

"Yeah. He asked me if I was okay with more kissing. I was like, yeah, totally. Who wouldn't want Adam Lambert kissing them?" Tommy shrugs. "But because I was stupid, telling him that 'I'm straight,' he never thought I wanted more. I always knew Adam had a thing for me, though. And by the way, he wasn't the one who came up with the idea, 'the kissing and groping on stage is for the fans.' Adam's manager came up with that. And Adam just went along with it. Clever excuse, right?" Tommy smiles bitterly. "I could have been dating him all these years. But the fact that I was, and technically still am, straight went public. And now, no one can ever know that I'm Adam's boyfriend. We all have to live in secret because of me." Tommy curls into a ball, hiding his tear-filled eyes from Sauli and Ashley. "All I wanted was to be wanted," Tommy whispers quietly.

Sauli has never heard any of this before. He knew that Tommy had always loved Adam, but he never realized all this had happened. No wonder Tommy had hated Sauli when Adam and him had started dating. Sauli moves closer to Tommy from the other end of the couch. Rubbing his back, he murmurs, "Oh, Tommy. You never told me any of this. C'mere." Taking Tommy into his arms, Sauli holds him tightly, stroking his purple hair comfortingly.

Tommy sniffs, depressed. "At least I have Adam now. And I have you." He looks up at Sauli. "I never thought I would be dating 'Rockstar Adam Lambert,' let alone a hot Finnish model." He hugs Sauli back. "I really am sorry for fighting," he whispers. "We'll work things out. Everything'll be okay."

Sauli nods in agreement. "I love you, Tommy."

"I love you, too, Sauli," Tommy replies, burying his head in Sauli's warm shoulder. Everything will be okay, he tries to reassure himself. As long as Adam does not find out.