Clearly I'm getting much better at this updating thing, and that's largely to do with all the alerts, reviews and one particularly lovely message i got. So yeah, this one's for you :) I hope it doesn't disappoint and I'd appreciate any feedback because i know it's seriously lacking in Naomi but i just think I needed to keep building my Emily up for things to make sense. I'm not sure how good of a handle I've got on her or any of the fitches to be honest, I'm definitely at my most comfortable when i write Naomi (probably because I'm most similar to her haha) so your thoughts on this are most welcome, what's working for you and especially what isn't, i wanna hear it because to be honest i still feel pretty rusty haha.
Emily (Part 2)
November gets swallowed up in a flurry of assignments, flat parties and the haze of too much spliff and not enough sleep. You barely have time to stop and consider anything, and so by the time December rolls around the prospect of Christmas break hits you in full force, leaves a knot in your belly that just won't lift.
You could stay, but Katie's having none of that and after a curt phone call with your mum, and a slightly more pleasant one with your Dad you accept that you might just be onto a losing battle, grudgingly concede that half of it was with yourself anyway.
It starts in a club, as these things so often do, with a girl eyeing you up from the other end of the bar and you don't know if this is the first time this has happened to you, or if you just haven't been paying attention. And you're not usually one to take notice of your sisters pearls of wisdom but maybe in this case she had a point, and it's what makes you go over. (She's got blonde hair and blue eyes, it's nothing more than coincidence.)
You've fucked 9 girls in the space of 2 weeks before you're glancing at the calender on your wall one morning through bleary eyes and wondering just what exactly you're trying to prove.
But you're not done, decide that the night before you go back to London will be one to remember, or rather, to not you think with a wry smile as you apply the last of your make up.
You look good, and you know as you head into Canal Street with some of the girls from your course that the chances of you going home alone are slim to fucking none.
This girl is rough, (and brunette, you can't help but note triumphantly) sliding two fingers into you at once and fucking you hard and fast with no let up. And you're just taking it, spurring her on and pulling her to your neck as you cry out.
You ignore the emptyness after, the niggling voice telling you this isn't what you really want.
Katie meets you at the station, holds onto you so tight that oxygen starts to become an issue and you have to ease her off gently just to get some air back into your lungs. She considers you then, in that way that she does, all raised eyebrows like suddenly you're back in your bedroom waiting for your outfit to get the Katie Fitch stamp of approval and you can't help but shift self consciously, think of old habits and how they never really die.
Her gaze comes to rest on your throat and you watch as identical brown eyes narrow.
"Guess I don't need to ask about your love life again do I? Come on." She says with a look that implies she most definitely will be asking you a series of questions later.
Mostly though, she just looks happy to see you, which is confirmed when she gives you another brief hug before picking up the heaviest of your bags and heading for the exit.
You don't really know what you were expecting but the unmistakable sense of relief floods through you anyway.
"Here she is!" booms your Dads voice the second you're over the threshold and you just about have the time to drop your bags before you're engulfed in another life debilitating hug from him and your brother.
You're wondering how many more of them you can take before your mum's voice sounds from the kitchen doorway and you remember that that's probably not going to be an issue.
"Hello Emily." She sounds stilted, restrained, like she's had several discussions about how this whole visits going to go and then practiced extensively how to greet you in the mirror.
All very likely you think, and steel yourself before turning around to face her.
"Hi mum."
You're being appraised again (they're so alike, your mum and Katie, it's really them that could be twins) except this time you're a hell of a lot more nervous, and even more ready for a confrontation.
Whatever resolve she has must be holding, because soon she's lowering her eyes and telling you to go and get settled before dinner, leaves the hallway and takes the tension with her, like air out of a balloon.
This time though, you think you feel the slight creep of disappointment instead of sharing everybody elses relief.
Dinner is a bit of strange affair on account of the fact that your mum still won't look at you, something which is made entirely more ridiculous by the fact that the whole conversation is geared around you. Your dad's asking you countless questions about your course and looks positively enthralled by your responses, even though you know that literature just isn't his thing at all.
And you want to hug him then, for being him, and for trying to parent you enough for the both of them.
But you're not going to dwell tonight, not when the second the cutlery's down you and Katie are hot tailing it to the chippy for some real food. (It's an old routine you've followed since you were about 13 that never fails to give either of you a massively over the top sense of mischief, has you both giggling like you still are.) Not when you go out to a club and Katie falls flat on her arse trying to dance to Rihanna, recovers admirably and gamely keeps a grip on you for the rest of the night.
And not when you're curling up in your bed to the sound of her breathing from the other side and you realise you've sort of missed it, not sleeping alone.
It continues, this dancing around the fucking elephant In the room and by the time the first week's drawing to a close you've had it with just about all of them, yourself included for going along with the whole charade.
In the time you've been there your mum's said about twenty words to you and because none of them were 'get out' it feels as if everyone expects you to be grateful.
She's got too much power, because they've all surrendered it to her, and it's everything you hated for so long and you just don't know how much longer you can stomach it.
You just have to stick Christmas day out, you'll see the new year in back at uni. The thought of an escape helps keep back the tears that were threatening to spill over and really you just don't want to cry about this any more.
It's James who finds you there, huddled by your window and wondering whether to just throw yourself out of it. Instead, you hand his arse to him on xbox, and for a bit everything seems brighter again.
Hindsight is just a bugger really, because by the evening of the 25th you're wondering how any of you ever thought that this stalemate could survive a holiday that's as claustrophobic and as downright boozy as Christmas. You should of seen it coming, what with that third glass of wine sat there like a warning.
"So, Emily," She starts halfway through dinner, and her tone gives nothing away but you're immediately on alert. "You're going back on the 28th hmm? That's a bit earlier than we thought isn't it Rob?"
He smiles and nods but you don't miss the sudden tension in his shoulders.
"Mind you." She says, downing what's left of the glass and swiftly pouring another. "If I didn't know any better...I'd say she had a boy waiting for her, wouldn't you?"
It's tame really, compared to what you've dealt with before and you know you shouldn't take the bait. Blame it on pent up frustration, or the fact that she's still not really addressing you but suddenly you're really fucking angry. Katie must sense it because you feel a hand on your knee beneath the table, steady, comforting. And you wonder then if maybe some things really have changed around here when you glance up and see the look she's directing at your mum.
"Jen..." Your Dad tries, shuts up immediately when he sees the look on her face.
She changes tack, hammering at buttons and seeing which one sends this whole thing up in flames.
"I've got a good mind to stop you going back there all together, we should never of let you go in the first place."
"It wasn't your decision." you say, surprised at the steadiness of your voice. "And it isn't now."
No one's even pretending to eat now, all eyes darting between you and her and it just all feels so inevitable.
"Don't speak to me like that Emily, I'm your mother."
"Yeah? Could of fooled me."
That throws enough fuel to the proverbial fire and it's Katie who steps in to do some damage control.
"Fucks sake, can we not do this now, or like, at all? It's Christmas day!"
Your mum bats it off, leans in towards you and finally, finally meets your eyes, makes her voice sickly sweet.
"I know you think I'm the enemy sweetheart, but I know what's best for all my kids. Just look at the way you came back here, you looked like you'd been roughed up! You're too young to be living so far away from home, just like you're too young to know what you are."
"Roughed up?" you scoff, "Well, I suppose I was, but not in the way you're implying mum. I'm sorry I didn't have time to make myself more presentable for you all, but staying up all night shagging can do that, which I was, and she was quite good actually. So believe me, i know."
You sit back, take a satisfied sweep around as you gauge the effects of that little outburst. Katie's shaking her head disbelievingly, James looks more like a kid on Christmas than he has all day and your Dad just looks asif he'd rather be anywhere but at this table. You share his sentiments entirely.
"It's all rebellion, you think I don't know you but I do. You've always been in your sister's shadow and now, you think this is the only way to get noticed."
You balk at that, because whilst it holds an element of truth it's just not and you can't stand the way she's looking at you now like she's just hit the mother load.
"I've had enough." you say, pushing back on your chair and practically running to your room, nearly slamming the door off it's hinges and trying to control your breathing.
Katie's not far behind you.
"Did you have to do that?"
"What?" you spit, because what did you do really? Except of course you know, but you're not ready to face the fact that this was something you've been orchestrating for weeks.
"You fucking know what Em's, egg her on, give her the ammo she needs, haven't you learned anything by now?"
"And why should I have to just lie down and take it? Why should I put up with any of this? I don't fucking need to keep her happy any more Katie this isn't my home. And if you can't see how fucked up this whole thing really is then you can just piss off now."
"Hey, bitch! I'm on your fucking side remember? But if you're gonna go down that route then she has a point doesn't she? How did leaving make this any better? You've just made it a million times easier for her to believe whatever she wants to believe."
You sigh, because it's not the worst point she could of made and you sit on your bed, the fight drained out of you just like that, watch as she mirrors your actions.
"I know, alright? I know what you're saying but, fuck... This isn't about her. Don't any of you get that? My life and my choices, they're just that. They're not something to be put on display for our mum to judge or try and make her understand the world a little better, that's not my responsibility."
"What, and trying to ram it down her throat whenever you do come here is a more healthy way to deal with things is it? I do know you Emily, and gay or not you're not a slag, I think that title has been bestowed on me for a few years now yeah?" she says with a weak laugh, before cocking her head and looking at you seriously. "It's never really been you has it? You're too much of a bloody sap."
"It's not you either Kay." You say gently.
"Yeah, I know, but try telling some of my exes that." She smirks, and then in a much smaller voice, adds "I really do wish you'd stayed. We would of figured it out, I'd of had your back."
"No you wouldn't." you say, and it's not at all bitter. "I love you Katie, and don't get me wrong I'm grateful for the way you've been these past few months, but lets not pretend that me going isn't the reason behind this big change between us."
She turns away at that, and you soften your tone even more because this just needs to be out there.
"You needed me to break away to see that I wasn't you."
She's hugging you then, and pressing a kiss to your temple as she says "I'm sorry."
"It's alright" you say. And it is.
You're back in Manchester for the new year just like you planned, the rest of your stay being fairly trouble free considering, and you figure your Dad must of finally managed to locate his balls and have a word.
Unfortunately, you appear to be the only one who decided to return early and so instead of going out you settle in your room for new years eve with the TV and enough of Thomas's spliff to last you well into 2011. To be honest it's nice, you need a night to just chill out and process the past couple of weeks, and new year's always been hugely overrated anyway.
It must be the weed really, that carries your mind over to that fucking girl because honestly, you don't even know her name. Yet you're here wondering where she is and what she's doing, if she's had a good Christmas and just, the lameness hasn't escaped you.
You did see her though, a couple more times before the break, and every time you were hit with this inexplicable need to introduce yourself, maybe make her laugh, because she always looks so bloody serious, not to mention completely unapproachable and it's why you can never quite muster up the confidence to follow it through.
But something about her makes you really want to. You're just not sure you really understand what it is, or why.
