A/N: So sorry about the delay in this chapter posting. I got sidetracked, and also had to think long and hard about this particular chapter, so it's taken me a few weeks to get around to finally posting it. I really do apologize for taking so long. This will be one of my main focuses to try to complete in short order, as well as All I Want For Christmas. Praying for 2012 to be a more productive year for me. :)
Thank you to you all for sticking with me, and also to those of you just starting to read my stories. I really wish I had more hours in the day to reply to all the lovely reviews for each of my stories, and let you guys know how much they really mean to me. But I truly do appreciate every single one, and I sincerely thank you all for taking the time to do so.
And thank you once again to Erica for taking time out of her busy writing schedule to give these a once over and point out my bonehead errors :) You're so awesome.
Playing the Part 11
The day following the office visit with Maria, I received a phone call from my lawyer to inform me that a petition had indeed been submitted, and by that afternoon, I had been awarded the emergency sole custody of my two children. This remained suspiciously silent with Jane for several weeks. Combined with my nervousness on what she might be concocting, as much as I hated to admit it, I was also growing a little concerned.
Despite all that had happened between us, she was still the mother of my children. It also did not erase the fact that I had spent nearly half my life with her, with our marriage and the years of dating before. We'd shared a home and a bed, and at one time, had been very much in love with each other. Aside from my anger and my desire to see her as little as humanly possible, there would always be a part of me that cared, to a degree, and I would never wish harm upon my children's mother.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Bella's voice cut through my daze one night, her hands sliding around my chest as she stood behind my chair. "You look a million miles away again."
As had been the pattern in the last few days, I was supposed to be reading over my lines before rehearsal the next evening, but instead, the heavy stack of pages lay on my lap. My hand dropped from where I'd been tracing a distracted line back and forth below my lips with my fingers and I looked up to her. Noting the worry in her eyes, I placed a smile on my face and kissed the inside of her elbow. "It's nothing, baby. Just have a lot on my mind."
"Seems to be an almost constant state for you lately," she said softly, bringing one of her hands to run lightly through my hair. I had tried to keep everything buried and off of her, but she had a way breaking through all my crap. "Save the actor for the stage. You can talk to me, you know. Maybe I can help? I mean, that is part of being a live-in girlfriend, isn't it?"
Her eyebrow rose as she spoke gently and my smile became a little more genuine as I removed my reading glasses, setting them and the script on the end table beside me. Taking her hand from my chest, I guided her around to sit on my lap and wrapped my arms around her waist. With the blessing from my children, Bella had officially moved in two weeks before, so the novelty hadn't quite worn off yet, even though we seemed to function as well as if we'd been together for years. She had begun a part time job at that little coffee shop during the week, so she got up in the morning to feed the kids and get them ready for the day before waking me up shortly before she had to leave for work. I would make dinner and have it prepared for her to heat up before we'd meet in the parking lot to switch cars at the end of her shift, so she could take the children home while I went to rehearsal, without shuffling Aimee and Zach around.
We were a well-oiled, efficient machine.
However, I did have the tendency to keep my thoughts and concerns to myself—old habits die hard. But I also didn't want Bella to get the wrong message about my concerns with Jane, due to her elevated emotional state that was still accompanying her pregnancy.
"Don't tell me nothing's wrong, Edward. You've been distant for days," she said, shaking her head. "And I can also see right through your attempts at lying, too. You know that. So what is it?"
I gazed at her for a moment and leaned forward to kiss her, but before our lips could meet, we were interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. I glanced down at my watch—it was a little past nine. Who the hell would be coming over that late in the evening?
Bella rose from my lap and began toward the door, but I reached for her hand to stop her and shook my head. "I'll get it."
I stood and quickly walked to the entryway, looking through the peephole and releasing a heavy sigh before opening the door. "Kate, both the kids are asleep. Why don't you come back tomorrow?"
My former sister-in-law's eyes narrowed at me and she folded her arms in front of her, looking remarkably like Jane in that moment, despite her flaming red hair. "Look, I'm none too thrilled to be in your presence, either. But it's because the children are asleep that I am. I'm not any more of a fan of yours than I was when you were married to my sister, but I think we can put our differences aside for Aimee and Zach, can't we?"
Kate and I had never gotten along, from the day I started dating Jane, and having her in my doorway was causing me no small level of discomfort. But one thing I could never dispute was how much she adored her niece and nephew, so if she wanted to discuss them, I would willingly oblige.
I stepped back from the door to let her in and she passed by me stiffly, slowing when her eyes met Bella in the living room and pursing her lips. "So, this is her, huh?"
I tensed as I moved toward Bella as she shifted uncomfortably, sliding my arm around her waist. "What is it that you need to say, Kate? If it's about the kids, let's please get on with it. But if it's about Jane or you mean to insult my girlfriend in our own home, then I must ask you to leave."
"Of course, it's about Jane. And whether you like it or not, her welfare does affect your children," Kate sneered, but there was an almost imperceptible twitch to her lower lip before she pressed them both into a hard line.
"That's not what I meant, and you know it," I replied with a hint of a snarl, my jaw clenching almost painfully.
Kate's demeanor seemed to shift with her heavy sigh and she crossed the room to settle onto the couch. "I do know that, Edward. One thing I've never been able to doubt with you is how much those two children mean to you. And that's why I've come here, personal feelings aside. I'm really worried about Jane.
I gave Bella's waist a gentle squeeze before pulling away to resume my seat on the chair, while she sat beside me on the arm. Kate's eyes cut sharply to her and Bella began to rise again until I took her hand. "Each of us plays a role in Aimee and Zach's life, so anything concerning their welfare is an issue for all of us to address. This isn't a matter determined by blood. Now, what's wrong with Jane?"
"It's not that. This is just very personal, that isn't exactly for public knowledge," Kate said softly, appearing more vulnerable than I'd ever seen her. "Had Jane ever talked to you about our mother?"
The question was sudden, but I found myself thinking back to any conversation I could conjure from my memory and began shaking my head. "No, she never really talked about your mother at all. Just that she passed away when she was fourteen."
Kate drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, folding her hands in her lap. "She committed suicide, Edward. Right after our father left and took us with him. And I'm terrified that the same thing is going to happen to Jane."
I sat up straighter in my seat, my back rigid with tension. "I'm not doing this, Kate. I won't be guilted into putting my kids into harm's way. So if that's why you're here, then you can go home."
"Will you just get over yourself for two seconds? That's not what I was saying," Kate snapped, rolling her eyes. "I'm not blaming you for taking Aimee and Zach away or trying to talk you into changing your mind. I actually agree with you, as hard as that is to admit. I wish our father would have done the same with us a lot sooner than he did. Things might not have been as bad."
My eyes widened in disbelief and I heard an almost imperceptible gasp from Bella. I was momentarily speechless, unable to find the words to respond.
"Like I said, we may not get along as individuals, but you are an amazing father to your children. And I'm glad you removed them from the situation that Jane and I grew up in. But right now, she reminds me so much of my mother, and I don't want to see history repeat itself with my sister." Kate paused, staring down at her lap. "She was mentally ill, but she refused to get treatment for years, even when our father begged her because it was destroying their marriage. She accused him of the most despicable things, they were always fighting. She tried turning us against him, calling him everything you could imagine, and it tore Jane apart. We were always closer to our dad than her, and our mother hated that. And it got worse after he left."
I sat with my eyes closed, rubbing my fingertips slowly back and forth over my forehead. "I'm sorry about that, Kate. But I am failing to see how I am supposed to help Jane."
"Edward," Bella whispered softly, resting her hand on my shoulder while never taking her eyes off Kate. "This all sounds more than vaguely familiar."
I looked between them and then leaned forward on my knees with my fingers pressed to my lips. "Your mother had the same condition."
Kate nodded solemnly and sighed. "Yes. And now, Jane is refusing treatment, too. Even the kids aren't enough incentive for her to see clearly right now, because it's like she has tunnel vision. Only seeing everything that's gone wrong in the last year or so. She has lost her marriage, custody of her kids, and finally, the one thing she felt she still had to hold onto. She was the mother of you children, and that role is going to be shared with someone else."
I watched her eyes lift to settle on the woman beside me, and I caught a glimpse of Bella shifting uncomfortably. "Well, I can't change that, and I can't even say that I would if I could. And if her children aren't enough to convince her to seek help, I don't understand why you would think that there's anything I can do for her. I'm her ex-husband. We're not even on civil terms."
"Look, I'm not asking you to take her back or give up whatever it is you have here," she replied, gesturing her hand between me and Bella. "But do you think you could at least talk to her? Try to get her to see reason?"
"Because that's worked so well in the past, right?" I said sarcastically, standing and starting to pace with my hand lodged in my hair. "She hates me and blames me for everything that's happened to her. Only once did I hear something other than 'I made a mistake' or 'can't we just move on from this'. And even that seemed at least halfway brought about by her attempt to reconcile our marriage. I have no way of knowing if that apology was actually sincere or not. And considering her bitterness toward Bella and myself, accusing me of being unfaithful to her—in front of my children, no less—I don't know that she ever really has felt or taken any form of responsibility."
"You weren't entirely perfect yourself, Edward," Kate snapped and then released a frustrated sigh. "I know you're still angry at her for cheating on you, and you do have every right to be. But you might be the only person that she actually will listen to. Despite all that's happened, she does still love you. Please, I don't want to see my niece and nephew lose their mother, and I don't want to lose my sister, either."
"I'm not going to lead her on, into thinking there's a chance for something that there isn't," I replied resolutely with a shake of my head. "But I'll think about at least talking to her, however pointless I think it is. She needs more help than I believe I can give her."
"Thank you. That's all I ask," Kate said, releasing a breath as she stood and made her way to the door. I moved to follow her and she stopped with her hand on the knob, turning her head to look over her shoulder at me. "I guess you're really not that bad after all."
I closed the door behind her and rested my forehead against it, completely conflicted. The new information was splitting me in two separate halves, and I had no idea which side to listen to. Part of me felt that it wasn't my place to intervene. She was a grown woman that needed to make her own decisions. And then there was another part of me that completely disagreed. She may have been a grown woman in the physical sense, but she really didn't seem to have the capability to make rational decisions and care for herself. Then I envisioned having to tell my children that their mother was gone, that they would never see her again. Watching the complete devastation set in that would affect them for the rest of their lives. I didn't know which way I should go, or what good would come of either course of action.
Suddenly, I felt hands settle on my sides, and lips press between my shoulder blades. "Hey, are you okay?"
I lifted my head at the sound of her voice and pulled her arm around my waist, drawing solace from her embrace. "Yeah, it's just a lot to take in, you know? I think I'm just going to head to bed."
"All right. Do you want me to join you?" Bella asked nervously, tightening her hold around me in a comforting gesture.
I slowly turned to look at her and took her face between my hands. "Why would I not want you to join me?"
Bella shrugged and brought her hands to my chest, picking lightly at the fabric of my shirt. "I don't know. Give you time to think?"
I gently lifted her chin and brushed a kiss on her lips, shaking my head. "I wouldn't think any better if you weren't next to me, Bella."
I led her down the hallway to our bedroom with my arm wrapped securely around her shoulders, only letting her go in order for us to get ready for bed. She immediately returned to my embrace with her head settling on my chest once we had laid down, but I found sleep to be the furthest thing from my mind.
When was life ever going to make any sense again? Would it ever? It certainly didn't seem that way. Any time it appeared that things were looking up and coming together, something would crop up that had the potential to flip the lives of everyone important to me completely on end. I didn't want to confuse Aimee and Zach by involving myself in their mother's life more than absolutely necessary. I couldn't even begin to imagine how it would make Bella feel, either. But I also knew that I couldn't look my children in the eyes if something happened to Jane and I hadn't even tried to help her.
I lightly ran my fingers through Bella's hair, listening to her breathing and I could tell she wasn't any closer to sleep than I was. "Bella?"
She snuggled more into my side and her arm hugged securely around my waist. "You're going to see her, aren't you?"
Her question sounded more like a resolved statement and I pressed my lips to her hair. "Would that upset you?"
Bella's face tilted up to look at me and I found tears glistening in her eyes. "As a woman, yes. I know that sounds so petty, but she was your wife, and at one point, you did love her. And it's never easy to hear that another woman is still in love with the man you can't imagine your life without, regardless of who she is. But as a mother, even though our baby isn't here yet, and knowing the man you are, no. I trust you completely and I know you need to do this for your kids. And that's so much more important than my irrational jealousy."
I gently stroked her cheek with my hand, kissing her again and resting my forehead against hers. "You never have to feel jealous, baby. Nothing and no one is ever taking me away from you."
x-x-x
The next morning, I woke early and got ready to go to Jane's, gently rousing a still sleeping Bella before leaving. My stomach felt as if it was in my throat once again as I drove, almost afraid of what I might find with Kate's words still running through my mind. Given our history, I half prayed that it was all a ploy concocted between them, as angry as that would make me. At least then, I would know that, while clearly insane, Jane was still otherwise okay.
When I got to the house, I knocked on the door several times with no response before trying the knob, finding it unlocked. Cautiously, I stepped inside and called out for her, searching each room until I came to the bathroom. There Jane sat on the cold tile floor, leaning back against the wall. Her already slender frame appeared nearly emaciated and ashen and her hands shook on her knees … but she was alive.
"Jane, what are you doing?" I spoke as calmly as I could manage, walking across the room to sit on the edge of the tub.
"Why are you here?" she asked in a soft, strained voice, her eyes distant.
"I asked first," I replied, leaning forward expectantly.
"Just waiting for nature to take its course. I can't manage to do it myself, so I'm just letting it happen." Jane's voice was nearly emotionless but her eyes fixed on me. "I've never understood my mother until now. I've lost everything, Edward. There's no point."
"I've got two very good points for you right here," I said somewhat sternly, pulling my wallet out of my pocket and retrieving the picture I had in there of Aimee and Zach. She turned her head away from me so I lowered onto the floor beside her.
"Look at them, Jane! If you're not going to do anything to help yourself for any other reason, you should at least think about them. How do you think they are going to feel when they don't have a mother anymore?" I was yelling by the end of my statement, but at that moment, I didn't care. Something had to get through to her.
"You've already got that covered. You have another woman in my place already, so they don't need me anymore."
"You can stop right there. Bella is not their mother, Jane. And she never will be. They love and need you. No woman can take the place of that," I replied, holding the picture in front of her and she closed her eyes. "Are you really this selfish? What happened between us has nothing to do with them, so don't punish them for it."
"I'm not. I just don't know how to be a good mother. I try and I fail every time. I couldn't even hold their family together."
"Jane, we're not going through that again. We both know why our family isn't together and it has nothing to do with the kind of mother you are. But removing yourself from their lives permanently is not the way to show them that you love them," I replied, trying to restrain the urge to physically shake her out of it.
"Then what is? Even when I was taking that awful medicine, I still didn't really have my children. Even a daycare provider was more of a mother than I could be," Jane whispered with a single tear spilling from her eye.
"It wasn't going to be forever, and you know that. All you had to do was keep getting help and be the kind of mother I know you can be. That I've seen you be. Don't do this to them," I said, taking her hand and setting the picture in her palm. "I can't make you do anything, Jane. That has to come from you. But if you can't bring yourself to do this for you, I really can't think of any better incentive than this."
I closed her fingers around the picture before standing to leave, pausing at the door when I heard a heavy sob escape her from behind me. I turned to look back and found her staring at the picture with more tears streaming down her face. I felt bad for the pain she was in, despite how much of it she'd brought on herself.
"Zach looks so much like you. And Aimee … she's so beautiful. I can't … I can't …"
I watched as Jane's legs moved weakly toward her chest, crying hysterically into her knees and I found myself doing something I hadn't done in years. I knelt down beside her and wrapped my arms around her.
"I need them, Edward. I need my babies," she said in a choked out sob, leaning into my chest.
I comforted her as best I could, even though I felt uneasy with the way she clung her arms around my waist. "Then you need to go back to the doctor. They need their mom healthy."
"I can't. I'm not strong enough to do this alone."
"You won't be alone. I will help you get better for our children. But only for our children," I replied, attempting to be clear in my intent.
"It's really over, isn't it?" she asked softly against me.
I sighed heavily at her almost childlike question; the same one I'd answered months before. And with it, came the same response. "Yes, Jane, it is. But I do still care enough about you to not want to put you into the ground and leave our children without you."
I reached into my pocket for my phone and dialed 9-1-1, her body too week to even rise from the floor. And for the second time in less than a year, I watched Jane be carried away by ambulance, considering exactly how I was going to explain it to my children. Especially after I'd so certainly assured Zach that his mother wouldn't go back to the hospital again.
