A/N: I am coming at you from the other side of the world! I'm sure it's not even Saturday yet for some of you, but I wanted to post this before I forgot. After like 18 hours of traveling I have arrived in my home for the summer! I want to thank every single person who reviewed last time. It honestly made a really huge difference for me - both in writing and in just feeling good about this story. I'm still holding onto the last dregs of this illness, but hopefully I can shake it off soon! All that being said, I know you're not here for my author's note - so I'll get on with the chapter!
As usual, sadly, I do not in fact own anything here but my plot!
At that point, I didn't know how I felt about Edward Cullen. I wasn't angry with him anymore – I didn't feel like I could be after he had apologized and was clearly trying to be nicer. But that put me in the awkward position of realizing how attractive he is. As Alice pointed out barely five minutes after he'd left, Edward was much more attractive than anyone I had dated while she knew me, especially Mike. I didn't tell her that Mike was the hottest guy I had ever dated; I was worried she might have a fit.
Without a reason to dislike him, it was hard to put a name on my relationship with Edward. It felt weird that I had his actual cell phone number, and it was weird to know that I had fed him, even though I had been the one insisting that he ate at our place. I wasn't sure if I had broken some kind of social code, because I wasn't sure what typical investigator/investigatee formality was. Also, I wasn't under investigation either, although everything between me and my mother was subject to search.
Still, when I got a phone call from him early the following Friday, I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to not want to pick up. I decided that it was irresponsible, like skipping a work call, so I put down my coffee and picked up my phone.
"Hello, Edward." I said, opting for formality.
"Hey, Bella, I'm glad I caught you. Is this a good time?" I glanced at the clock. I had to leave early for work, but not before eight. Still, he sounded stressed out. I was sure he wouldn't appreciate sarcasm.
"As good a time as any. Why, is something wrong?" I asked. He sounded like he'd been working for hours already, and I couldn't imagine what could have him so stressed out.
"Okay, good. I met the Swans. They arrived in Seattle Wednesday evening and I spent all day yesterday debriefing them." When I didn't say anything, Edward sighed heavily into the phone.
"That was kind of a bomb, I know, I'm sorry. I don't have a lot of time to make this phone call in, the Chief wanted me to call you when I left last night but I fell asleep as soon as I got home. Then I woke up late. I'm on my way to the station now."
"Ok." I said, confused about why he sounded so stressed. I'd known the Swans were coming for almost a week.
"Oh, I didn't. Ugh. Let me clarify, the Swans want to meet you. Actually, you have to take a DNA test. That is the one thing that the court can force you to do. But they want to meet you before that. Renee Swan says she'll know if you're her daughter when she sees you. They don't want to pay for the test until then." It took me a few seconds to process everything that Edward said.
"Wait, did they, when?" I asked. Suddenly I had a terrible feeling about why he was so stressed out.
"Not today, right?" I asked.
"No. Tomorrow." Edward said. I closed my eyes. This was too much to process on half a mug of coffee.
"I can't say no?" I asked, my voice hesitant and quiet.
"I'm sorry, Isabella."
"Bella." I corrected reflexively.
"Oh, okay. I heard your friends call you that but I wasn't sure…" Edward trailed off.
"Can we get back to this?" I asked.
"Yeah, sorry. You can't deny the DNA test. But you can deny their request to meet them, technically forever. Even after the DNA test if you want, because you're an adult. But uh, but honestly Bella I wouldn't." I was so shocked about the difference it made to hear call me Bella, that I waited too long to speak.
"I'm not trying to tell you what to do! I'm, I know we talked about that. Really, I just, I've met them Bella and they're good people. I know that this has been difficult for you, and that you don't want to be involved, but they would really love to meet you. It really means a lot to them." He sounded so earnest. He was really pleading for this to happen. I told myself that if I could give them peace of mind, even though I was still so sure this would be a misunderstanding, it was my job to make them feel better.
"Okay." I said.
"Really?" He said, sounding genuinely shocked.
"I don't have any plans for tomorrow. I was just going to sleep in. You can tell the chief that I'll meet them, and comply for the DNA test, and then I can put all of this behind me."
"You don't know…" Edward cut himself off, clearing his throat. "Alright, thank you."
"See you tomorrow. What time?"
"Tomorrow afternoon. Two. At the station."
"See you then. Bye."
"Bye, Bella." Edward hung up, and I stared at my phone. Already, I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision. But backing out was not an option. I was sure Edward was already on the phone with the chief letting him know that I had confirmed. So, I decided that I would deal with it.
By the time I left work, I was in a much better mood about the whole thing. I realized that there was a chance Renee Swan would look at me and say "that's not my daughter!" and the Swans would refuse the DNA test and close the case. I thought about looking for the Swans on social media, and trying to make myself look nothing like them, but I realized that was probably crossing a line.
When I told Alice and Angela over dinner, this time a pizza since we'd all refused to cook, even Angela had to admit that it would be pretty funny. We imagined Renee Swan being even blonder than my mom, and refusing to believe that she could have a brunette daughter. We imagined that both of the Swans had fiery red hair, making it obvious that I couldn't be related to them. We imagined them as an interracial couple, who would take one look at lily-white little me and agree that I couldn't be their child. By the time I went to bed, I was almost excited to meet them.
Still, that didn't make the next day any easier. I had forgotten to set an alarm, so I slept in even later than I intended. I didn't wake up until Angela ducked in to say that she was going grocery shopping, saw me asleep, and got me out of bed. She told me that I'd been mumbling something about a man in my sleep, but that this dream man wasn't going to feed me if I didn't give her my grocery money and my list. I made a list quickly, handed her some cash, and tried to decide what to do in the two hours I had left.
After an hour of watching Netflix, for nothing better to do, I let Alice persuade me to help her build her new desk. By the time I needed to start getting ready to leave, I was almost happy to go. The desk had so many small moving parts, that we still had yet to finish more than the main frame. She assured me that this desk was going to revolutionize her life, but I wanted no part in it. She wouldn't even have been building it if she hadn't bet Jasper that she could do it without his help. She could; I just wished she would do it without my help.
I wasn't sure what to wear to meet the Swans, so I decided on a lace dress Alice had talked me into buying. It was somewhat casual and somewhat dressy, a good first impression dress. I packed my bag, put on a little make-up, and then I was off to the station.
Edward greeted me outside the station, which was probably the first thing that put me on edge. He walked in behind me, guiding me past the police desks and others in the office to a hallway I'd never walked down before.
"We don't really have a greeting room area in Seattle, but I think this room works." He said, closer behind me than I'd expected. I looked over my shoulder at him.
"Are they already here?" I asked. He nodded. I stopped moving.
"Can I change my mind?" I asked. He stared at me.
"Is…Bella are you alright?" I nodded, exhaling shakily. All of a sudden this seemed like a very bad idea.
"Let's keep moving." He said, keeping his voice low. He stepped in front of me, and I followed him the rest of the way to the room.
"I'll be in there with you, okay? You won't be alone." He said. I nodded, taking another deep breath. Then, he opened the door.
I noticed the room first. It looked like it had once been an office, but was currently unused. Someone had stuck a few chairs in the room, and a window was letting in a lot of natural sunlight, but other than that the room was pretty bare. It was nothing like the warm, inviting room that movie me walks into when she first meets her family.
Then, I locked eyes with Renee Swan, who stood when she heard me come in. She had hair just like mine – somewhere between curly and wavy, and almost but not quite red. She gasped when our eyes met, and I felt my heart beat pick up.
I looked away from her, and I saw my eyes. They were on the face of a man, a man who looked tired but hopeful, as he saw me. But they were definitely my eyes – the same shape, and the exact same shade of brown that was light in the sunlight but dark indoors. I subconsciously reached for Edward's hand.
I looked away from him, and I saw a third person that I hadn't even noticed. She was younger than me, somewhere between a teenager and an adult still. Her hair was browner than mine. Her eyes were lighter than mine. Her lips were fuller than mine. Other than that, it was like looking into a mirror. I squeezed Edward's hand painfully tight in mine.
"OhmyGod." I said it in a rush, and I wasn't even sure I had spoken it out loud. These people were related to me. They had to be. My brain couldn't process it all fast enough. I stared between the three of them as they stared back at me.
"Oh, Charlie." Renee Swan said, holding onto her husband's hand for support. She even sounded a bit like me.
I was starting to get a head ache. I couldn't handle it. My brain was at war with itself. They had to be related to me. They couldn't possibly be related to me. My mother had kidnapped me. I was betraying my mother. This woman was my mother. My thoughts got faster, and louder, and angrier and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I was staring between them faster, and faster, and faster. I was gasping, literally gasping for air.
"Are you alright? Is she alright?" The girl spoke, first to me then to Edward.
"Calm down. Take a deep breath." I was beyond a deep breath. I was beyond air. It felt like the more I tried to calm myself down, the more I couldn't breathe. I heaved a gasping sob, and then next thing I knew my face was on Edward's shoulder and I was crying. I wasn't sure how it happened. I couldn't breathe. It was too much. It was all too much.
"Is there anything we can do?" The man asked. His voice was low, soothing. I had never had a father, I thought. Or maybe I had always had one. I couldn't remember. I cried harder.
"Bella." Edward cooed.
"That was her name. Mom, that's her name!" The girl sounded like she was on the verge of crying herself. I had barely heard any of them speak and I knew their voices would haunt me.
"Bella, do you want to leave the room?" Edward asked me. I focused on his voice. I nodded into his chest. Then I whispered.
"I don't want them to hate me." Or maybe it wasn't a whisper, because I heard Renee's quiet gasp as I said that, heard her quiet
"We could never." It was too much. I nodded again. I heard Edward tell them that I was having a panic attack, that he was really sorry, and that he would talk to them soon. I didn't hear what they said afterwards, and next thing I knew Edward had an arm around my shoulder and we were walking. I kept my head buried in his shoulder as we walked, just crying. I didn't know why I was crying, and that only made me cry harder, tangling in with everything else in my system that I did not understand. Then, I was sitting and Edward was kneeling in front of me. We made eye contact for a brief moment, before I slid down onto the floor next to him, burying my face in his shoulder once more.
"Bella, can you hear me?" He asked. I nodded. He placed his hand on my back, and began to gently rub circles into my back. I nodded again.
"I would like to hear your voice. Can you do that for me? Can you tell me that you can hear me?"
"I – hear – you" I gasped between every word, but I got it out.
"Good job. Good. Okay, let's take a deep breath. Can you do that with me? Ready, inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Okay, I'll keep going. When you feel ready, try to join in." I tried matching my breathing to him, although my exhales still came out more like quiet sobbing.
"Inhale, exhale. Good job. Good job Bella." I could feel my heart again, racing in my chest. My breath hitched, and my breathing started to pick back up.
"Inhale, exhale Bella. Good job. Come on." I tried again, breathing slowly, matching my breaths to his.
"Okay, now let's count to ten together. Can you do that with me? Ready, one, two," I joined him, counting to ten. When we got to ten we started over. And over, and over, and over, slower and slower each time.
"Come on Bella, you can do this. I'm right here with you. Take another deep breath. My heart felt more normal. I was still crying, but I realized that I could breathe again. I took another deep breath and it was less shaky, stronger.
"I am so proud of you." Edward murmured, almost too quietly for me to hear. My breathing had gotten more even. I felt more present. My thoughts were making sense. Even my crying was less frantic, I was beginning to remember where I was.
"Do you want me to take you home? Tell me what you want Bella." Edward said. I took another deep breath, all on my own.
"Can I go home, please?" I asked, my voice soft and pleading.
"Absolutely." He helped me get to my car, and got me into the passenger seat. At this point I was more aware of where I was. Edward didn't say anything as he drove me back to my apartment, and I appreciated that. I felt so tired, it felt like I could sleep for a year. I didn't want to talk.
When we got to my apartment, I had to tell him where to park my car. He helped me out, even though I mumbled that I was fine. He walked with me all the way back up to my door, before handing my keys and my bag, which I hadn't even realized he'd been holding.
"Call me when you feel up to it, okay?" Edward said, quietly enough that nobody else would have heard him. I unlocked my door, and he made to walk away, but I stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"What was that?" I asked him.
"I think you had a panic attack. Have you ever had one before?" He spoke just a bit slowly, calm and soothing. A part of me wondered why he hadn't addressed me that way from the beginning, which is how I knew that I was going to be okay.
"I don't think so." I said. He reached up and patted my shoulder, suddenly awkward.
"Get a lot of sleep tonight. Don't do anything too taxing, trust me. You don't have to tell your roommates either – not if you don't want to. I know that a panic attack is incredibly personal. Give yourself as much time to relax as you need. Just, please give me a call as soon as you feel up to it?" He patted my shoulder again, and then he was off down the hallway. It wasn't until he turned the corner that I realized I hadn't thanked him.
I did end up telling Alice and Angela. With Angela's help, Alice gave me space and let me do my own thing. I went to bed ridiculously early, and slept like a rock until the next morning. Still feeling a bit strange, I took a bubble bath with a bath bomb Alice had convinced me to buy, more thankful for our tub than ever before. Then, after a relaxing breakfast made by Angela, it was time to call Edward.
"Bella?" He definitely seemed surprised.
"Is this a good time?" I thought it would be funny to echo his greeting form yesterday, but the joke felt awkward as I said it.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Alright, thanks to you. That's why I'm calling, actually. I just, thank you. Really. You didn't have to do that and it was so, so, incredible. Honestly. Thank you."
"Oh….yeah…" He said. I didn't mean to put him on the spot, and I wasn't expecting any kind of reaction. I just had to thank him for taking care of me.
"Edward, it really meant a lot to me. You didn't have to take care of me like that, but you did. Don't say anything, I just want you to know that I really appreciated it." I said. Then, after an awkward pause, I asked the question that had been on my mind since I'd woken up.
"How are the Swans?" Edward was quiet for long enough for me to fear the worst, before he said
"They were thrown by your…by yesterday. But they were more worried about you than anything else. They uh, Renee has called me twice asking me if you were okay. I wasn't, I told her I hadn't spoken to you yet."
"Oh."
"They uh, Bella they want to move forward with the DNA test. For obvious reasons." Edward exhaled heavily after he said the last part, and I could just tell that he was about to try to take it back, so I spoke quickly.
"You're right. I, I don't, there's something there. I don't want to think about the implications but there is definitely something going on there. I think that it'll be better, healthier for all of us if we know." I said.
"Can I tell them you said that? If they ask?" Edward asked me.
"Yeah, absolutely." I said. "Talk to you soon Edward. Bye."
"Bye Bella."
