"Good morning, Tino," I greeted my tired husband the next morning. I wanted to know the truth more than anything, but I feared that my suspicions would be confirmed.
He squinted his eyes as he rose. "Mornin', Alex. Yikes, I have a killer hangover…I haven't gotten drunk in years…"
"Yeah, I know."
His eyes widened. "What?"
"You haven't gotten drunk in years."
His relief definitely didn't help ease my mind. "Oh, right."
"How was the show last night?"
"Fine…I got a little bit of money for hosting."
"Nice. How much?"
He frowned. "I can't remember."
I knew it was a lie, and so did he.
"Alex, how was your performance?"
"It went well." I tried desperately not to start shaking from terror. The air around us was palpably tense.
He inhaled shakily. "I…heard an ugly rumor. About you."
I raised an eyebrow. "You heard one?"
He evaded my gaze. "Well…"
"What was it?"
Our eyes met for a few moments, our tense jaws shaking involuntarily.
"How could you do it?" He stared at me with pained eyes, "You don't even have any experience with it! You could have gotten killed, and I'm serious about that!"
"And how could you? You're so small- I don't even want to think of what might have happened!"
"You lied to me!"
"Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?"
"It's different- I'm experienced with this. You aren't!"
"I had to earn money for us, Tino. Hera entered me- I had no idea what my 'gig' actually was. I'm- I'm just trying to keep us in our apartment!"
"If you had gotten hurt, I would have lost the most important person in my life."
"The same applies to me. How could I handle losing you, jan? How…" I couldn't finish my thought, and took a shuddering breath to calm myself.
The two of us were on the verge of crying. The lack of sleep, the stress, the adrenaline- all were taking their tolls, and we could barely handle them.
"I'm going for a jog," I rose from the bed, throwing on a T-shirt and some running shoes.
"I'm going to Eileen and Aeden's."
I didn't respond to him, but simply nodded. I plugged my headphones in, willingly drowning out the world around me. It was too much to handle, and I knew that I was of equal fault.
Once outside, I lengthened my stride, running as quickly as I could while pumping my arms frantically. I needed to forget everything else and just think. What did this mean for Tino and me? We had both lied to one another- we'd jeopardized our own safety without telling the other.
Truth be told, I really was afraid. If anything had happened to Tino, I didn't know how I would have handled it. How could I start my mornings without a hug from him? How could I deal with never eating another burnt meal made by my lover? How could I handle not hearing his melodic, soft voice wishing me sweet dreams as I drifted off to sleep? How could I never kiss him, hold him, talk to him, make wishes with him, or dance with him again? It would numb a part of me forever- there's a piece of me that can only ever belong to Tino.
But, I realized, we had also worked together and fully trusted one-another as sparring partners. I shuddered to think that we had fought, even for training purposes, but I supposed that (in a weird, weird way) it helped us establish an even deeper connection.
I couldn't help but laugh, recalling Tino's accidental punch. He was strong.
Though I wished that he would have told me about fighting, I realized that I couldn't fault him- I'd done the very same, after all. I turned around, picking a few wild roses for him in the process. Once I reached home, I placed them in a vase and fell back to sleep. Hopefully, he would come home in a happier mood than that with which he left…
…
I woke to the sound of the front door unlatching. Kicking off the covers, I emerged into the living room, ready to hug my boyfriend and make peace. However, his distraught expression stopped me cold in my tracks.
"Jan…" I ventured, my voice so fragile that it nearly shattered in the air. Tears welled in Tino's eyes. He breathed deeply and blinked them away. His face was red and blotched- he had already cried enough.
"Alex, I'm not being fair to you…I mean, you've done so much for me, but really, I'm hindering you from doing what you love. And that's not right. My life has just gotten so progressively messy- I mean, my own parents now completely shun me, and the only money I get is from fighting at a nightclub, and I don't have my degree yet. And what if I don't pass my final presentation?" He choked back a sound that threatened to emerge from his throat and blew his nose, discarding the tissue. "Anyway, I'm getting you tangled up in my problems, and now we're both lying to each other…We both really screwed up. W-we should take a break."
My heart sank so deep into my stomach that I felt I would throw it up. My legs trembled, and I had to sit. The man I loved more than anything wanted separation.
"I-…I cannot say this is what I want, but if you wish it, then we will."
"Aleksi," his tears fell faster, "I don't want this at all. I love you so much. But because I love you, I can't do this to you. I can't expect you to put your desires on hold for me. I breached your trust, and you breached mine! This is just a hard time for the both of us, joo? After we have a break, perhaps it'll be better- then, we can think more clearly…Then, maybe we'll both have enough to give. But I can't say we're necessarily right for one another. We both acted so stupidly…"
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to keep my breathing steady. "How long will this last?"
"I should get my degree first, Aleksi. After that, maybe we can try again. I can't afford a new place, and God knows I have no time to move, but I don't expect you to move, either. I'll sleep on the couch, but first I'll spend a few nights with Eileen and Aeden. I think you should go stay with Hera or Nikolai for a while."
A million questions burdened my mind. I can only remember nodding as Tino packed a small duffel bag with his clothes and toiletries and receiving a hug from him before he headed out. Afterwards, I cried until the point of exhaustion and slept through the rest of the day.
…
