****** "All I wanna do is cry, say my farewell's, pack up and leave tonight" ******
Unser's POV:
Sitting in this waiting room is painful. The feeling of uselessness just envelops you. Gemma is my life. I have known her since she was little, I have watched her grow up and have been by her side through everything. Being shut out is so hard. Knowing what she must be going through in her head is so hard.
I see Jax and Clay coming out of the hospital room. I have never seen Jax look so troubled and defeated in my life, he is the fighter. As for Clay, I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I can't tell if he is sad about Gemma, or is just upset that he has shit to do and is being delayed.
"What happened? What did she say?"
Jax lets out a tremendous sigh and slumps down in the chair next to me. "She just keeps saying she is fine. Then she saw that her arms were on show and she lost her fucking mind."
"Shit. She wouldn't have wanted you to see that shit. I know..."
Clay glowers at me "You know so much about my fucking wife don't you? Shame you didn't know about this! Ahhh fuck this, I'm going." He stomps out of the waiting room smashing the doors on his way out.
"I wish she had told me Jax. I wish she had confided in me, but honestly I had no idea"
"I know you didn't, none of us did. Ignore Clay he is just blowing smoke."
He is damn right there. Clay is just pissed that he has lost control of yet another aspect of his life. The guns, money and now his wife.
Suddenly I am snapped out of my thoughts by this tremendous scream.
"UNSERRRRRRR!"
Jax stands up. " Was that my mom?"
"I think so."
Out of the room comes a flustered looking Tara, with bedraggled hair and a purple face. "She wants you Unser." She wraps her arms around Jax, who looks distraught that she wants to speak to me and not him.
"Son. I will go and see her, she can't face talking to you about what you have seen. She loves you far too much".
"But she is my mom! She should be able to talk to me."
"She will, but she loves you so much that she feels she can't right now. Even when she is at her lowest, her priority will always be you...Can I go in and see her now Tara?"
"Yes, but I will warn you that she is in a fragile state. She may hit you with some of her infamous rage."
"No change there then!" I pat Jax on the back and make my way to Gemma. Never mind Gemma's fragile state, what about my own? How can I see such an important part of my life in such a terrible state.
Gemma's POV:
Where the hell is he? I need him. I need him to get me out of this hellhole.
I can't believe that they all know. It is so humiliating, debilitating even. Momma dearest burns her skin, cuts her skin all because she is too cowardly to handle her problems head on. My reputation has been destroyed.
I see Unser standing sheepishly in the doorway. I hate to see him looking so sad. I love the bones of him. "Don't just stand there Wayne. Come on in, but shut the door. I am sick to death of the fucking interrogation I am getting from Tara".
"She is just worried about you Gemma. We all are".
"Well there is no need to worry. Just help me to get out of this god damn place!".
Unser's POV:
What is she insane? She can't leave, she just had a heart attack!
"Gemma, you know you can't leave sweetheart. You need to rest, get some help".
"Help? I am fine. Honestly. I just have had a few rocky days that have caught up with me, that's all." She lethargicly smiles at me. God do I love her.
"But Gem, you aren't fine. This is me you are talking to, you can drop the act 'cause I ain't buying it".
I see the tears welling up in her eyes. "Please Wayne just leave it."
" You started telling me before you collapsed. You think this not eating is going to make you feel better? Clearly it's not Gem. You are so ill. You need to stop doing this shit to yourself! As for the self-harming..."
"Wayne. I just want to get out of here. Please. I hate it here. Please?".
"It's not that simple Gemma. Legally they can't let you out until you are better. I don't think it would be good for you to be let out right now."
"You can pull a few strings can't you? Tell Tara I will recover at home? I mean everyone will be watching every move I make now for fucks sake".
"I will try to talk to Tara but on one condition. You have to talk to me Gemma. Tell me everything".
She is crying her eyes out now, "I can't Wayne. Some shit needs to stay buried."
"Gemma the reason you are in here is because you tried to keep shit buried! You can't Gemma. No one could try to handle what you have gone through without help. You want to get out of this hospital? Well that's the deal!".
She stares at me in shock. I never usually raise my voice or lose my temper. I am even surprised at myself.
"Fine. Whatever, just get me outta here!"
Clay's POV:
FUCK! I can't deal with this shit. I just don't need it. Why? Why would she do this to me? She's made me look like the shittest husband alive. Everything is just turning to shit. I need to talk to Tig. He is the only guy that can get my head straight.
20 minutes later
Just what I thought. I knew he would be here at the clubhouse drowing his sorrows. Tig either turns to chicks or drink when he is down, and it looks like drink lucked out today.
"Drinking us dry ay?"
"Clay! Shit how is Gemma? Is she gonna be okay?".
"Nah. She is fucked up man, shit. Shit, shit, shit!" Smashing my crippled hands on the bar is the only way I can express the rage I am feeling. I don't want to cry. I can't cry. I won't cry.
But somehow I am crying.
Tig's POV:
"What do you mean Clay? What is wrong with her?"
He inhales deeply, " She ain't been eating Tig".
Woah. What does he mean she ain't eating? How can you not eat? "Why Clay? Why is she not eating?"
"I'm fucked if I know. But its not even that... it's the...oh god".
Shit. He is fucking freaking me out now. What else? "Go on Clay. You know you can talk to me".
He shakes his head, like he is trying to process what he is saying himself. "She fucking burnt her own arms. About 60 cigarette burns...FUCK".
" . You have got to be kidding. Not Gemma, nah". I can feel myself getting angry.
No one understands. No one knows. But I am in love with Gemma. I want to be with her. Clay honestly has no idea how god damn lucky he is to have her. Most women would run a mile if they had to contend with this shit she does. She was raped because of this clubs beef, and yet she is still here. Always looking after us but not herself. Fuck, I am devastated.
"You best believe it Tiggy! What am I going to do? I have so much shit going on with the Irish."
Is he stupid? Like any of that matters? If I was Clay I would be in that hospital right now. "You put your wife first Clay! Show her you love her".
His eyes widen with anger. "What the fuck do you mean, tiggy?".
"After the ra...well what happened...she said to me that she was worried you didn't love her anymore".
"Bullshit".
"How about instead of arguing with me you go and talk to Gemma. Do the right thing for once for fucks sake!".
Unser's POV:
Shit...what the hell am I going to say to Tara? Please let Gemma out just because she promises to talk to me? I mean, I desperately want her to talk to me, confide in me; but I know there isn't a chance in hell that she is gonna be let out of this hospital, period.
"Tara, can I talk to you a minute?"
She breaks off her chat to Margaret Murphy or whatever she is called, and comes over to me. "Yes Wayne? Has she said anything?".
"She has said she will talk to me..."
"Oh that's great, talking is the first step when..."
" If she is let out of the hospital. Asap."
She stares at me like I am off a different planet. "Wayne. She just had a heart attack and she is clearly struggling with her mental health; and you just want me to discharge her? Are you insane?"
"Yeah. But we want her to talk don't we? Can't she recover at home, I mean you are always round there; you can check on her".
"Wayne. I do have an actual job besides checking on Gemma you know! Plus, if I let her out and she deteriorates, I could lose my career. No, it can't be done".
"We would all keep an eye on her, make sure she is eating and taking it easy. You could also look in on her now and again. Tara, I know Gemma better than anybody. Either you discharge her in such a way that we can all be involved in her recovery, or she will escape and go away on her own. Which is better? Seriously?"
"I can't Unser! Do you know how serious this is? She could die."
Wow. I never ever though I would hear that sentence. Not my Gemma. I love her. She's my absolute world. I couldn't lose her, no way. It would kill me to lose her. I can feel tears beginning to escape my eyes. "She won't die Tara. I won't allow it."
"If she continues to starve herself she will die Wayne. I will talk to Margaret and see if there is anyway we could let Gemma recover at home. It is a long shot. A real long shot".
"Thank you for trying. Thanks Tara". She gives me a hug and dashes off in search of Margaret. I have no idea why Gemma hates Tara so much. She is a sweetheart.
Gemma's POV:
Unser best be working his magic to get me out of here. I have hated hospitals ever since I was a kid. Plus I can feel this IV pumping fat into me. I can't stand it. The though of putting on any weight is terrifying. A fat ol' lady. A fat ol'lady that was gang raped. God what a fucking résumé.
I have no idea how I am going to talk to Unser. I chose him because I don't want to burden Jax and Clay with my shit. They don't deserve that. I don't even know where to begin anyway. The shit I feel, the shit I think. It's scary. I don't even remember how to talk about what I feel. From a young age my mom taught me "You get it together Gemma. Crying is for the weak. Keep your pain inside you like a treasure chest. Locked away without the key". Every time I was upset I was told to go away and stop whining. Shit, keeping my feelings to myself is all I know. All I am good at.
I hear footsteps approaching, and suddenly Tara appears at the door.
"I need to talk to you Gemma. Now."
