Title: Of That I Am Certain
Author: SneetchesToo
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Ethan/Rox
Summary: Rox was worried that Ethan would get over her someday, especially after he found out about the parts of her past that she couldn't escape.
Author's Note: There's not much to report here, just some good old fashioned angst. There's also some Emo not taking any of Rox's bullshit.
—
Rox had been beyond exhausted when she and Ethan had finally removed themselves from the shower and the confines of the bedroom.
She had loved spending so much time alone with him last night, but her entire body was sore in all the right ways and she was thankful for the much needed break.
He had tried to tell her that they could skip dinner and fall back into bed, but she knew that Emo and Martin would both never let them live it down if they didn't go to dinner like planned.
So instead she had swatted his hands away and pulled on her jeans with a soft smile.
He had done the same before pulling her to him by the hips and kissing her softly.
"I love you so much." He had whispered against her lips and she couldn't help the shiver that ran through her body.
She would never get used to hearing him say those words.
No matter how long they were together.
No matter how many times he uttered them.
She would always think they sounded foreign when in reference to her.
"I love you too." She had watched reluctantly as he pulled away from her then, his eyes soft as he made his way toward the closet.
She had watched in awe as he had finished getting dressed and when he had made a comment about how she couldn't exactly go to dinner in just her jeans and bra she told him that he needed to stop being so damn distracting.
He had chuckled before placing a kiss to her head and leaving the room, the door closing quietly behind him.
It had taken her a few minutes to gather her thoughts and she had pulled on her tank-top and sweater slowly, her brain still focused on the events of the past 24 hours.
She couldn't remember the last time she had enjoyed celebrating Christmas.
But this was certainly one for the record books.
—
They had enjoyed a nice dinner with Emo and Martin at their favorite Chinese restaurant and then they had returned to Ethan's to exchange presents.
She hadn't been expecting much, but the three of them had spoiled her with gifts.
She had been practically in tears by the time they were done and she had thanked them over and over again.
She would never get over how incredible this little family of hers was to her.
She knew she didn't deserve all the love and attention they were giving her, especially not after everything she had been through.
Martin had shushed her when she made a comment to the liking and he had reminded her that they were family and that's what family did. They spoiled each other.
—
After exchanging gifts and spending the evening in front of the fire talking she had reluctantly said 'goodbye' to both Ethan and Martin and she had driven Emo home in silence.
She knew that it was unrealistic that she would get to spend every night with Ethan.
They hadn't been together that long.
But she still hated it every time she had to say 'goodbye'.
She had gone inside with Emo to help her drop off her belongings and she was hoping to escape the house before the older woman started questioning her about how she had spent her holiday.
"So… what did Ethan get you for Christmas?" Dammit. No such luck.
"You were there Emo, you saw." He had been beyond generous with his gifts and she had been in awe at the amount of thought he had put into each and every one.
She didn't expect him to get so personal, and yet, he had blown her mind with every gift he gave her.
"I'm sure he got you something that Martin and I didn't get to see." She didn't understand what Emo thought she was going to show her.
Surely she wasn't going to tell her about how they had spent almost 24 hours making love to each other.
That would have definitely done the older woman in.
"He got me a necklace." She whispered.
"A necklace?" Emo's eyes went wide at her words and she couldn't help but smile as she reached up to run her fingers along the simple silver chain around her neck.
"Yeah." She never wanted to take the object off. Ever.
It might have just been a simple piece of metal, but it meant the world to her already.
And the thought that he had put so much thought and effort and love into it made it even more special.
"What kind of necklace?" Emo stepped forward then, her eyes softening as she stopped to stand right in front of her.
"Just a necklace." She whispered her words and she didn't understand why she was all of a sudden so self conscious about the silver tag hanging around her neck.
"Can I see it?" She should have known Emo wouldn't let her off that easy.
She didn't know what to say so instead she nodded her head softly, her eyes shifting downward as she pulled the metal from behind her sweater.
"Take it off." Emo said softly. "I wanna get a real good look at it."
She hesitated at first. She didn't want to risk anything happening to it.
But then she remembered that this was Emo and that the woman would protect anything of hers with all that she had.
So she undid the clasp at the back slowly before handing the silver chain over to the older woman.
"It's beautiful Roxane." She whispered.
She was very well aware of how beautiful it was and it still shocked her that Ethan had been able to peg her style so easily.
"That saying, it's beautiful." The older woman glanced up at her and offered her a soft smile. "Is it from a song?"
She felt tears prick at her eyes.
"No." She choked out.
She really didn't want to become an emotional wreck over this.
It was just a piece of metal with some words on it.
"What's it from then?" Her eyes softened just enough to tell Rox that she was very well aware of where it came from.
She just wanted her to admit it.
"It's what we say to each other." She whispered. "When we say 'I love you'."
Ethan had been the one to say it first.
When he had hovered over her while he made love to her in the big bed at the cabin in the woods.
But then he had started saying it to her all the time.
Especially when she was lost or in a funky place.
Those words always brought her back down from the edge.
She had started to finish the saying for him not that long ago and while it still felt strange to let those words leave her lips, she felt a special connection to him that made her want to say it even more.
"It's very romantic." She smiled once more before handing the object back to her.
She quickly clasped it back around her neck, a single tear trailing down her cheek as she did so.
She missed him already and it had only been an hour.
"I'm honestly surprised he didn't get you a different piece of jewelry." The mischievous smile on her face made Rox's stomach turn. "You know, the kind of jewelry you would wear on your hand? On a very specific finger…"
She didn't know if it was wise to tell Emo that Ethan had certainly tried.
But the last thing she needed was the older woman getting excited about something that would never happen.
"He would never." She whispered softly.
He may have joked about it, but he would never actually go through with it.
Of that she was certain.
"I beg to differ young lady." Emo started walking away from her then, her head shaking back and forth softly as she made her way into her kitchen. "That boy is absolutely smitten with you."
She let out a sigh at her words.
He most certainly was not smitten.
"I wouldn't use smitten as a word to describe Ethan, ever." She followed her aunt into the kitchen, sighing when she saw that she had pulled the tea mugs from the cabinet.
The tea mugs always meant that she was going to get a good talking too.
They also meant that she would probably wind up pouring her heart out to the woman in the next hour or so.
She both loved and hated those damn tea mugs.
"Oh please Roxane." She watched as Emo placed the tea pot on the stove after filling it with water. "He is so ridiculously in love with you it's disgusting."
She rolled her eyes at that statement.
He was not that in love with her.
And it was not disgusting.
It wasn't real is what it was.
She was just silently waiting for the other shoe to drop.
She knew it would eventually.
"Emo please…" She really didn't want to do this now.
"No Roxane." She turned to face her then and the look on her face told her that she needed to get her act together. "Ethan loves you. Probably more than he has ever loved anyone in his entire life."
She shook her head back and forth as she felt another round of tears hit her.
"And you," Emo pointed at her softly as she spoke, "need to stop second guessing every aspect of this relationship."
She choked back a sob as the words hit her like a freight train.
Had that been what she was doing?
Was she really that hellbent on destroying this relationship?
Sure, she never wanted to lose Ethan, but she damn well knew that she didn't deserve to keep him.
"I'm not…" She felt very emotional all of a sudden.
The simple thought of Ethan making her heart race in her chest.
She really shouldn't be so obsessed with everything about him.
"Roxane, listen to me and you listen to me good." Emo stepped forward then, her hands reaching out to rest against her upper arms as she offered her a soft smile. "Ethan loves you. More than life itself. Of that I am certain."
She squeezed her arms before continuing and Rox couldn't help but shake her head at the older woman's words.
Ethan most certainly did not love her that much.
There was no way he could.
He was too good for her. He deserved so much better.
"He deserves better." She choked out.
"Bullshit." Emo wasn't one to curse, so when she did, Rox knew she meant business.
She closed her eyes shut tight as the tears poured from them.
She wasn't strong enough for this.
Not after everything she had been through.
"Roxane, honey, look at me." She reluctantly opened her eyes and let them settle on the older woman's face. "After everything you have been through, that you have both been through, you deserve to be happy."
She shook her head back and forth so fast it made her head hurt.
"Yes Roxane." She pulled her into a hug then, wrapping her arms around her tightly as she held her in place against her chest.
Rox felt like a little kid again.
Emo had been the only person who had comforted her when she was upset.
Until Ethan came along that was.
"He loves you and he adores you and I know you feel the same way about him." She pulled back just enough to cup her head in her hands and she offered her a soft smile. "You two belong together and everyone knows it."
"He'll get bored." She whispered. "He'll get fed up with me and he'll leave me."
She could barely get the words out, the tears falling down her cheeks faster than she could keep up.
"No he most certainly will not." Emo pulled her back into her arms as she rubbed her hands over her back soothingly. "It won't be easy Rox, relationships never are. But I can promise you that it will be worth it."
She pulled back once again and offered her a soft smile.
"I can't make him happy Emo." She sobbed out. "Not like he deserves."
"You already make him happy Roxane." She pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead before pulling back once more. "I may not have known Ethan long, but I know that I've never seen him happier than when he's with you."
She shook her head once more, the force causing Emo's hands to fall to her shoulders.
Ethan deserved someone who would love and adore him for the rest of his life.
He didn't deserve someone as broken as her.
There were things she couldn't give him.
Things that she knew he would one day want.
And it destroyed her to even think about what would happen when she had to face the truth and tell him about her past.
About the things she doubted were in her medical file.
About the things she doubted were said about her around the water cooler.
She would never be enough for him.
Of that she was certain.
"Stop it Roxane." Emo shook her gently, her voice raising as she locked her eyes with Rox's. "Stop it right now! Get out of that place in your head."
"I can't Emo…" She took a deep breath as she felt herself starting to shake. "He's going to find out one day. He's going to know about the things I've done. The things that have been done to me. He's going to find out and he's going to leave me out just like the trash that I am."
"Shut up Roxane." She could tell that Emo was getting angry with her.
She never did appreciate it when she tore herself apart.
It always took her weeks to put herself back together after she had breakdowns like this.
This would be the first one she had had since she and Ethan had come home from their little getaway.
He had never had to face her after one of these nights.
A night where she would cry herself to sleep in Emo's arms and then toss and turn until daybreak.
And then she'd spend the next two weeks in a cloudy funk, her mind lost in some far off place that she had been sent to almost twenty years ago.
A place where she had lost the most precious piece of herself.
A piece that she could never get back.
"You need to calm down Rox." Emo's voice was soft as she let her hands grip her cheeks once more. "It's going to be okay."
"What happens when he finds out?" She choked out her question as her eyes fell shut. "He's going to leave me Emo, I just know it."
"He's not going to leave you." She whispered. "And if he does. If he can't love you because of something that happened almost two decades ago. If he can't love you because of something that was entirely out of your control. Then he doesn't deserve you."
She let out a strangled sob as she fell back into Emo's arms.
"But he won't do that Roxane." She felt Emo press a kiss to her head just as the pot on the stove started to hum. "He loves you and he will always love you. I know that much."
She sniffled against the older woman's shoulder as she clung to her tightly.
She really hadn't envisioned her Christmas ending like this.
It was certainly not the best way to wrap up a holiday.
"I love him so much." She could barely get the words out it hurt so bad.
"And he loves you." Emo squeezed her tightly. "Of that I am certain."
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