Disclaimer: If a girl wants you to go play pirate with her, make sure you know what she's talking about before you agree. Trust me on this even though I have NO experience with this particular subject, I have never been kidnapped and held prisoner in the bilge of a ship and fed nothing but mouldy maggot ridden bread and stale water. I wasn't used as slave labor in a small distillery on a tropical island for six months before knifing one of my guards and betraying a group of prisoners. I did not spend another two months floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean with two other people and in the end I did not resort to cannibalism as a last resort to survive. So, since that's clear let us never mention it again.
Green Beard
"You called us my lordyness?" Random death eater 221a groveled.
"Bring me Shepherds," the dark lord screamed. "So that their screams of agony might sooth my aching . . . soul."
"Yes my lord," the death eater nodded. "But don't you mean your aching . . ."
"CRUCIO," the dark lord started crying. "Crucio crucio crucio crucio crucio."
"Perhaps that wasn't the smartest thing I could have done," the death eater groaned. "But it sure was funny."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and Hermione were sitting down to breakfast in the great hall when an pig swooped down and delivered a newspaper.
"Hmmm," Harry hmmed as he examined the animal perched on an unhappy dean's shoulder. "Some one must have cast the redo charm on this pig as a joke . . . and it must have been a mail owl in a past life."
"Harry look at this," Hermione pointed to one of the stories in the news paper. "Shepherds all around the world are being found dead and maimed."
"That's terrible," Harry was aghast. "I wish there was something I could do about that."
"Well," Hermione smiled. "I could cast the redo charm on you again . . . maybe you'd turn into some great detective."
"No," Harry shook his head. "Absolutely not, promise me that you won't cast that charm on me."
"Ok," Hermione sighed. "I promise . . . Ginny?"
"What?" Harry turned to the redheaded girl.
"I owe her a few favors." Ginny shrugged and with a swish and a flick . . . Harry was someone else.
"Arrr," Harry produced a large fake green beard from somewhere and deftly attached it to his face. "I be green beard the pirate . . . most feared pirate in three of the seven seas."
"Arrr." Luna replied from her table. "And I be Captain Luna, most feared pirate in all of Hogwarts."
"Arrr," Harry nodded to his new colleague. "Good to be meeting you Cap'n Luna."
"Arrr," Luna replied. "Avast ye scurvy knave."
"Watch your tongue you mutinous dog."
"Arrr"
"Arrr"
"AAAAArrrrr"
"Arrr arr arrrr"
"Arrrr rrraa arrrr."
"Why is your beard green?" Hermione shot straight to the matter . . . and destroyed the pirate feedback loop.
"I couldn't grow a decent beard of my own so I had to go to a costume shop," Harry replied. "And besides, most of the other colors were taken."
"Ok, that satisfies my curiosity . . . come on," Hermione grabbed Harry's hand. "It's time to go play evil pirate and helpless wench."
"What?" Harry the green beard was a bit confused, "I don't think you're supposed to be so enthusiastic about this."
"It'll be great," Hermione giggled . . . her perversion had given her the strength of a thousand strongmen. "Because you'll actually be a pirate . . . come on Harry, hurry up."
"I'm sorry Cap'n Luna," Harry called out as he was dragged out of the great hall. "But her strength is too mighty to overcome."
"Oh poo," Luna frowned. "Ronald . . . would you like to play pirate with me?"
"Like Harry and Hermione are paying Pirate right now?" Ron perked up.
"Yes," Luna nodded. "But first you'll have to change your clothes."
"Sure," Ron nodded. "What do you want me to change them to?"
"Oh, I'll do it." Luna smiled and with a flick of her wand, Ron was dressed in the uniform of a royal naval officer.
"Nice clothes," Ron admired himself.
"Yes," Luna agreed. "Now come along Ronald, we must be getting to the Room of Requirements, that's where my ship is moored."
"Whatever," Ron shrugged . . . he was finally gonna get some.
IIIIIIIIII
Room of Requirements . . . three days later.
"Are you in here Ms. Lovegood?" McGonagall stepped into the room and onto the deck of a seventeenth century pirate ship.
"I'm right here Professor," Luna called out from the crows nest.
"Well come down here then," Minerva replied sternly.
"Yes Professor." Luna grabbed one of the lines and swung down.
"What can I do for you?"
"Two things," McGonagall replied sternly. "We'll start with the most important."
"Ok," Luna nodded.
"You said that you'd figured out a way to make Rum?" McGonagall leaned forward, "and you may have mentioned that it was the finest Rum you'd ever encountered."
"Yes Professor," Luna nodded. "Come this way." Luna led the Professor below decks to her captain's quarters and motioned for the older woman to sit down.
"Well?"
"Here it is Professor," Luna put a glass in front of the Transfiguration Mistress. "Tell me what you think."
"Smooth body," McGonagall took another sip. "Definitely some of the best I've ever had . . . now I'm not willing to give up my whiskey mind you, but it is worth tasting again."
"Oh goody," Luna clapped her hands.
"And now for the second matter," McGonagall spoke firmly. "What is the fate of Mr. Weasley?"
"I'll show you," Luna nodded. "Come this way Professor." Luna led the Professor to the deepest part of the ship. There, half submerged in the bilge, was Ron Weasley.
"Professor help," Ron's uniform was dirty and ripped. His eyes were red and he looked like he'd endured a terrible ordeal, "she's crazy. She forces me to work and then locks me down here when I'm not working, she says that she's going to make me walk the plank if the navy doesn't pay my ransom and worst of all she feeds me is mouldy maggot ridden bread and stale water."
"Silence Wench," Luna screamed. "Or I'll cut out that mutinous tongue of yours."
"Ms. Lovegood," Minerva was outraged. "I demand that you let Mr. Weasley go right now."
"But without him then I won't be able to make anymore rum," Luna protested.
"Explain?"
"I force him to do all the hard work in the distillation process," Luna explained. "Without his labor, I'd never be able to get any rum."
"Oh." McGonagall gave a grave nod. "Then I'm afraid that I can't help you Mr. Weasley."
"What?" Ron screeched.
"I'll start sending you any students that need detention," Minerva said with a nod. "And I'll have to ask that you allow Mr. Weasley to have a short break in the castle every now and again."
"Ok," Luna bounced.
"Now if you'll excuse me," Minerva took one last look around. "I have to get back to class."
"You can't do this," Ron screamed. "I have rights."
"Silence Wench," Luna screeched. "I guess the only way to make you learn is to cut your rations and double your work."
IIIIIIIIII
"Master?" One of the death eaters raised his hand, "before you try that dark ritual again . . . maybe you should test it on someone else."
"Yes," Voldemort hissed. "Someone so weak that they'll be easy to control, someone that is so sniveling and pathetic that they'll have no way to say no."
"Um . . . Snape hasn't been coming to meetings Master," another death eater spoke up. "He just takes mind altering potions all day."
"I see . . . Wormtail, get out here." Voldemort called.
"Yes master," Peter sniveled.
"Now cast the charm on him," Voldemort commanded.
"Yes master," the death eater replied. And with a flick and a swish . . . Wormtail became someone else.
"Gwahahahahaha," Wormtail's evil laugh stunned everyone. "Free . . . after all these years I'm finally free. Die fools, bwhahahahahaha."
In the end it took the entire might of the dark lord's army to bring down the latest threat and when all was said and done, Peter was nothing but a red smear on the ground and half of the death eaters were dead.
"If it gave that weak fool so much power," Voldemort mused. "It can't help but make me even more powerful . . . cast the spell on me again."
"My magical reserves were depleted in the battle," the death eater simpered.
"Mine too"
"And mine"
"Same here"
The other death eaters were quick to agree.
"Fine," the dark lord pouted. "Then we'll just have to wait awhile until you're all filled up again."
"Yes my lordyess"
"Right o' mate"
"Sure thing boss"
"Sounds like fun"
The minions agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
Ron and Harry both look like hell, they have this conversation after Ron and Harry escape
"What happened to you?"
"Hermione insisted that I cast the spell on her again," Harry's voice was sleepy. "So I did."
"So?"
"So I got the author of the Kama Sutra." Harry began shaking, "you know how they always said that the author of the Kama Sutra was some pent up virgin with a lot of imagination that had lots of frustration to work off?"
"Can't say I have mate," Ron replied quickly. "And you're starting to stray into the I don't want to know territory again . . . in fact, you crossed the border and are half way to the capital city."
"Sorry about that. But let me just add that I didn't think I could be that flexible, I'm happy as hell that Hermione's that flexible, and I'm gonna be sore for weeks." Harry yawned, "what happened to you?"
"Luna wanted to play pirate and like an idiot, I agreed to join her." Ron shuddered.
"Lucky you." Harry smirked, "Hermione and I played Pirate and it was . . . interesting. Still think I shoulda been the one doing the ravishing, but you take what you can get."
"No mate you don't understand." Ron shook his head, "when Luna plays pirate she really plays pirate. She locked me in the hold of her ship, used me as slave labor in her rum distillery, and fed me rotten food. It was terrible, the woman's insane and I'm never going near her again."
"Didn't the professors do anything to help you?"
"Luna paid off McGonagall with bottles of Rum." Ron glared at the head table."On the plus side, now she's running the detentions so I had a chance to escape."
"Huh?"
"Lots of new students," Ron said with glee. "She couldn't be everywhere at once . . . don't expect to see Malfoy for a while. Luna's using him as a galley slave, I'd almost feel sorry for him if he hadn't been the one I betrayed to escape."
"Betrayed?"
"I hatched a plan with him and a few other students to escape," Ron explained. "In the end, Luna was chasing us so I kicked Malfoy in the leg and ran away. We got away and he's working as a galley slave."
"How do you know all this?" Harry shook his head, "it happened after you escaped."
"Luna, in addition to running the detentions she's also printing a school newspaper for extra credit," Ron said quickly. "It's all on page four."
"Sucks to be you mate," Harry commiserated with his friend. "Sucks to be you."
IIIIIIIIII
Well, we know what Harry's doing . . . why don't we go check in on Luna?
"Cap'n Luna," a firsty with an eye patch called out the odd girl. "The hunting party is ready, do ye wish us to bring back the escaped prisoner?"
"Arr." Luna scratched her chin with a hook that she had clutched in her hand, "no need. I've already put out a reward in the school paper for his capture. A hog's head of rum for the one that brings him back."
"What if you're too young to drink rum?" The firsty asked innocently.
"Then a hog's head of . . . chocolate for whoever brings back the scurvy dog that's too young to drink rum."
Or not . . . why don't we go check with someone else?
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry?" Neville ignored the pack of firstys and Professor McGonagall dragging Ron off to a fate worse than death.
"What can I do for you Neville?"
"Could you cast the Redo charm on me?" Neville asked nervously.
"Why in the hell would you want to do that?" Harry was incredulous. "Do you know how much trouble that bloody charm has gotten me into?"
"Yeah I listen at the door sometimes," Neville admitted quietly.
"What was that?" Harry's eyes widened.
"I said it also got you a wife and an . . . active married life." Neville said quickly.
"Yeah it did," said Harry with a silly grin on his face.
"So I was hoping that you'd cast the charm on me." Neville brought the conversation back on track. "If all else fails then maybe I can get an idea of what it's like to live another life."
"If you're sure," Harry said slowly.
"I'm sure." Neville nodded.
"Then get Ginny to do it," Harry replied firmly. "Hermione has to do all sorts of things that I would never allow you to do to me to get me to use that bloody charm and she has to get even more inventive when she wants me to cast the charm on her."
"I . . ." Neville watched in shock as Harry left the great hall at a dead run.
"I'd be happy to cast that charm on you Neville." Ginny's voice spoke up from behind Neville. So, with a swish and a flick Neville became . . . someone else.
"Woah," Neville glanced around. "Far out."
"Who're you?" Ginny asked quickly.
"Most folks call me Moon Beam . . . you got any grass?" Neville . . . er . . . Moon Beam asked after finding his pockets empty.
"Grass?"
"Yeah," Neville agreed. "Better yet . . . you know where I could score some plants?"
"Check the green house." Ginny was a bit disappointed that Neville wasn't more entertaining.
"Could you show me where it is?"
"I could," Ginny admitted. "But I'm not going to . . . I'm going to go . . . somewhere else now."
AN: I'd say that there's only one more chapter of this.
