The Fading View
I wonder if there's anything that I could give for happiness.
If I threw myself into the fire,
If I drown in the midst of despair,
If I ceased to exist,
Will it come to me?
If it does, then I'll never know.
There've been changes inside me that I couldn't understand. My feet seem to swell, and I feel a lot of weight.
I thought I'd feel better after being in bed for almost a week, but it looks like I've been worse. I didn't allow my husband to go. I don't want to be left alone.
Hanabi visits me everyday before she goes to the academy. She brings fruits, which I seldom eat, until the counter was stacked with varieties of mangoes, apples and even pineapples. She told me the fruits are rotting because I don't care about them. She must have said it in order to make me feel guilty, perhaps.
Neji didn't leave the house and was always there to take care of me. I didn't want him to be always around, but I didn't want him to go.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, shivering from something, which I don't know. He would be there beside me and cradle me in his arms while I desperately cry.
He never asked me the reason for those tears. It seemed normal to him – for me to cry and hate the world… especially him.
One day, I decided to leave my bed and take a walk. It was just after he left for a class D mission with his students. The Hokage seems to have forgotten that he's already a jounin. She just let him do ordinary missions and I felt suspicious about it.
When I told Hanabi about this, she dismissed the topic, like she was avoiding the conversation.
Something's wrong - I just know.
Why is that, when we try to reach for something,
When we try to hold onto a distant dream
Do we find ourselves drifting away from our own self?
And fade, as our own soul wanders, never returning back.
I plan to fade.
The riverman must be waiting for me. I haven't gone there for days – I ceaselessly thought.
Alone and anxious to leave, I pulled myself from the bed, and crawled towards the closet. Searched for a dress to wear, though it was just a useless gesture, for I won't even have the knack to choose a proper, or even a presentable garment through the absence of eyesight.
Believing that I've chosen a suitable kimono, I slowly opened the paper doors and walked out of the room. Not long after, I was able to leave the house.
Walking blindly, and remembering the path that I once took, I searched the way towards the river. I still felt nauseated and my feet, all fatigued, but I refused to go back.
When I was young, I thought of becoming a wanderer
If I were capable of leaving the things I possess
If I am capable of running far, and flying
Then how far can I go?
The water is near. The circulating cold air marked the presence of the gushing currents.
I waited, sitting on top of a boulder, resting on the damp riverbank.
It was a long wait. I decided to leave.
It was indeed stupid of me to think that he'd anticipate me.
"Good afternoon," he greeted.
My heart jumped upon hearing that soft mumble. No words came out though I tried to speak.
"Have you been waiting?" he asked.
"Yes… I mean… of course not," I stammered.
He laughed.
He must have been on a good mood today.
I felt him come nearer, and I moved a little farther unknowing the danger of tripping over the side of the boulder.
So I moved away while trying to avoid him until there was nothing but air. I realized that I was about to take a tumble, but his hand quickly caught me.
Landing awkwardly into his arms, I pushed him away…
An odd feeling… I realized.
" Your husband must be waiting for you…" his words drifted.
"He's not home," I quickly replied, a little nervously.
"Is he a ninja?" He asked.
"Yes. A Jounin."
"And you?"
I felt my head twitch. "I was," I snapped at him.
"And you?" I countered.
"What do you think?" he said.
It took a while for me to answer. I had a strange feeling about the way he caught me. And a lot more strange things…
"Um, yes," I replied.
"If you think I am a ninja, then I must be one."
It was such a vague answer.
"If you are a ninja, then you must know my husband, and me of course. We must've met."
"Hinata Hyuuga, yes, I do know you," he revealed. "And your husband…"
"Do you know him?" I asked.
He didn't reply.
"Why did you marry him?" he asked instead.
I was dumbfounded with that inquiry.
"Why do you ask?"
He chuckled.
I suddenly thought of leaving this person, but I couldn't.
"Arranged marriage," I said flatly.
"Don't you agree with it?"
It looked like I was being interrogated.
"It isn't necessary for you to know…"
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because you are a stranger, and I barely know you…"
"Yet you come here often, waiting for me…"
I felt myself turning red that moment.
"You're beginning to annoy me."
"But I think you talk to me nicer than the way you do to your husband."
"What makes you think so?"
"I just know…"
"You've too much confidence!"
"But you like me, more than your husband, am I right? Or at least that's what I think."
"You are annoying like him." I realized that talking with him is a crazy idea.
"Okay, if he finds out that you're talking to stranger like me, what would you think he'd do?"
"I'm not doing anything bad," I defended.
"Maybe, but if I say… Come with me and leave your husband. What will you do?"
His tone became serious.
I couldn't even think that moment. This person, was doing bizarre things, and saying absurd things. Yet I like talking to him. It feels like he's been watching me for a long time, and knows everything that's inside my head.
"He's a jounin. He'd probably slit your throat, or paralyze you." I threatened him.
"But I'm a ninja too remember?"
"Stop saying nonsense," I said sharply.
"You, are a friend, and he's my husband."
"Do you value him? I think not."
"What makes you think I don't?"
"Because you're here with me."
"Then I have to go," I decided.
"To him?"
"Yes."
"He must be around here, watching us," he noted.
"No he's not." I felt my hands beginning to tremble.
An unexpected statement came from him.
"Would you believe me if I tell you that this is a genjutsu?"
I wasn't able to answer him, when a feeling of dizziness came on me.
I almost collapsed but he immediately caught me.
Unable to shield myself from the next thing that would happen, I closed my eyes as I felt him come nearer until his lips brushed through my own.
"I'll take you home," he said.
"What?" I sounded confused.
"We're going home," he stressed.
"Excuse me?" I heard myself on a state of hysteria.
"We're going home Hinata-sama," he ended.
It was all, very confusing.
I remained silent while he ran fast through the trees, carrying me in his arms.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I asked you earlier, if this is all genjutsu, would you believe me?" he repeated.
We reached my doorstep. He went inside carrying me and I was still on the state of shock. He slowly dropped me on a chair, and after doing so; I felt my knees grow weaker.
"The genjutsu is gone," he said.
I felt paralyzed.
NEJI?
She was silent, unable to digest everything, and he studied her baffled expression. Though her eyes were devoid of sight, her expression can easily be read within those lavender orbs.
"Why did you?"
He voice was fickle, filled with an unknown emotion.
"When you left that night, I followed you," he explained.
And now, he was the one who asked.
"Why did you have to look for him?"
"Him? It was you! You fooled me!" she cried. Her anger-filled voice echoed though him.
" What if it's not me?" he fired back.
"What if you met someone else there? Will you come with him if he asks you to? Do you despise me that much, that you'd go and meet someone without even telling me?"
"I can't understand you!" she cried.
"As much as I can't understand you!" he replied.
She was crying again.
"Why do you have to do this… to me?" Holding the seams of her kimono, she sobbed until her shoulders trembled.
"He… was a friend," she whispered.
"And I am not," he said coldly.
"Liar…" her words stabbed him. Not even a hundred kunai can match the pain it brought on his whole being.
"And so are you, my dear wife," he said.
"I shouldn't have married you," she said while wiping her tear-drenched face.
"Because you don't love me, am I right? Or because you couldn't forgive me for taking away what's rightfully yours? Or... just for being the wrong person…"
Tears fell.
- They were his tears of pain.
" For being the wrong man for you, right from the beginning," he said softly.
"But I won't be deterred, even if you push me away."
She sobbed while he continued.
"Even if you injure me… I won't be injured."
Two days.
He was gone for two days.
He left the night they had a fight.
It was Hanabi who tended her, while her friends, Sakura and Ino also paid a visit.
She wasn't in the mood to talk, but then they somehow did a good job in cheering her up.
On the third day, he returned.
Unable to speak to him, she locked herself in her room, while he stayed outside. He even slept outside- on the living room.
Midnight.
She crept outside towards the kitchen.
Scrambling through the dishes, she searched for something edible to eat.
She refused to eat dinner with him earlier that evening.
"Here", he said to her surprise.
He opened the lights and guided her to the table, where he left her untouched dinner.
She sat there, not saying anything, while he stayed on the other seat.
"I… I'm sorry," he said.
"I shouldn't have done… that."
" You were right, I am a liar."
She remained silent.
She didn't touch the food, and drank the water instead.
"Tell me another thing Neji…"
He listened as she continued.
"Something's different with me… I don't seem to get better day-by-day. Am I sick?"
"No." He replied softly.
She felt a little relieved but not convinced.
"Take me to the hospital tomorrow, if you don't mind."
The next day, they went to the hospital as Hinata requested.
She had herself checked by a medical specialist.
They silently waited until the doctor came out to deliver the news.
"Hinata, you are expecting a child," the doctor announced.
Neji studied her expression.
"Am I?" she said meekly, while feeling her womb.
She didn't talk to him on their way home.
She locked the doors of their room.
Sitting on the bed, she felt the same weakness all over again… and began to lose consciousness.
AN: That's a bit short, but a fast update. Please tell me how you feel…
Review.
