Everything I Failed To Be

Chapter Eleven


Time: October 1982

Never before had Sharon felt even remotely as miserable as she was right now. Jack's concerned voice and his knocking on the bathroom door was faint over the roaring of blood in her ears. Thinking about Jack made her heave again. Tears streamed down her cheeks as her situation kept going through her mind in an endless circle of pain, heartache, worry and desperation.

At the heart of her problem was the fact that she desperately wanted to be comforted, but not by the man who was currently on the other side of the door. She longed for the strong arms of the man who had stolen her heart before he had returned to his wife and little daughter.

When she had first met Andy Flynn four years ago, she had thought of him as an arrogant, misogynistic asshole, who had severe anger management problems. She had never thought that one day the idea of not being with him would hurt so profoundly that she wished she were dead. Not in her wildest dreams had she imagined back then that, at some point, she would end up on the floor of her bathroom, suffering from terrible morning sickness, wondering if he was the father of her unborn child.

She had not come up with the courage to do a pregnancy test or see her doctor yet, but she knew. She had known for almost two weeks that something was wrong. She had felt it, and deep down, she had realized what was going on long before her conscious mind had been ready to accept the obvious. When she had woken up that morning and barely made it to the bathroom, she had no longer been able to hide from the truth. She was pregnant and she had no idea what to do about it.

They had always been so very careful. Every time she had tumbled into bed with Andy, they had made sure something like this would not happen. Always! Except for that last time, when caution and common sense had left them for a few precious moments. Maybe they had just gotten carried away, or maybe she had not cared anymore, because she had been ready to be with him completely. All that did no longer matter, however. Andy was gone and she was carrying a child that had two possible fathers. How would Jack react to all of that? They had only just decided to give their marriage another chance.

That night, when she had last seen Andy, she had come home late to find Jack in the dark living room, waiting up for her. When she had turned on the light, his unexpected presence had startled her. She had never thought he would be home, as he almost always vanished after they fought to go on a bender for a day or two. That he had been home and sober, his eyes full of regret, had been a surprise, and not an entirely welcome one at the time. She had wanted to be alone to nurse her broken heart and rebuild the walls around it.

Jack had gotten up from the sofa and walked over to meet her at the door. She had almost recoiled from his soft touch on her upper arms as he had given her a long look before pulling her against him. In that moment, she had realized that he had known. He might have been a rotten husband, and he might have cheated on her, but he was far from blind. He had held her for a long time, telling her over and over how sorry he was for hurting her, for not having been there when she had needed him. He had promised to be better for her, to do everything he possible could to be the man she deserved.

His words and his gentle caresses had reached out to a place inside her that needed to connect to another human being. She had let him kiss her. She had let him touch her, undress her with infinite care. She had allowed him to make love to her, to take her body, which still carried the scent of another. She had answered his desire with a desperate need of her own that had scared her.

Afterwards, she had lain next to him on the old, brown rug in the living room, feeling horrible for what she had done. Jack might have betrayed her several times while he was drunk, but as far as she knew, he had never fallen in love with someone else. His heart had always been hers, even if his body had strayed. Yet, she had been reluctant to forgive him. He, on the other hand, had taken her in his arms and loved her, even though he must have known that her heart had still been with Andy.

Over and over he had whispered into her ear that he loved her and that he understood. He had told her that he wanted her back, that he realized now how much he had hurt her and that he did not blame her for finding love elsewhere. She had asked him for a few days to think about it.

While she had appreciated his willingness to try again, she had thought that she owed it to both of them to figure out what she wanted. She had been ready to leave him a few hours ago, after all. Simply returning to him because the man she truly wanted was no longer available would not have been fair to either one of them. Sharon had suggested that she would find a hotel room for a little while, but Jack had refused to let her leave. Instead, he had packed a few things, made sure she understood that he would only be a phone call away if she wanted to talk or wished him to come back, and left to find a bed at a cheap motel down the road. He had never been far away, but he had given her the space she had needed. That, more than anything else, had shown her how serious he was about fixing things between them.

It had taken her two weeks to give him an answer. The day after he had left, Sharon had called her boss and asked for an extended leave. Between not having any money for a vacation and too much work with too few people to do it, she had not taken more than a few days off since she had graduated from the academy, resulting in more than enough vacation days to take a few weeks and sort out what she wanted to do next. Many days had seen her at the beach or hiking in the hills where she would not have to deal with too many people. She had sat for hours with nothing but the sounds of nature surrounding her, thinking through her problems and listening to her heart.

At the end of all that, she had told Jack that he should come home, that they would find a way to work out their issues. They had seen a counselor, and Jack had admitted that his drinking might have gotten out of hand and that he needed help. He was trying his best to keep his promise, to be a good husband to her. They still had a long way to go, but they were on a good path. Things were finally looking up. Sharon was scared that this pregnancy would destroy all the work they had done in the last few weeks.

She had not heard the door open and was startled by the gentle hands that landed on her shoulders, carefully drawing her back into a solid chest, before slipping around her to hold her tight. He whispered soft words into her ear, words of love and understanding. They calmed and reassured her, but she still felt conflicted. Jack was there, he told her that he was aware of the little life growing inside of her, that he was happy about it, and yet Sharon could not help but think that it might not be his child. Did she even want certainty? Was she prepared to live with that question hanging over her head? Was he? Would it be fair to keep the truth from this innocent being? Or from Andy? For the moment, she allowed herself to accept the comfort Jack was offering, to rest in his arms until her stomach calmed down, and to imagine a future where they might be a happy family without all the darkness lingering close by.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Hours later, Sharon had left the house, telling Jack that she would be back soon. He had known that his wife would need some time to process and to think about how she wanted to proceed. He had assured her that he would be by her side and that he was elated to start a family with her. He had not mentioned the possibility that he might be agreeing to raise another man's child, and neither had she. It all sounded so wonderful, but she needed to be sure that it would be the right decision, and she always needed space and quiet to work through her emotions.

How she had ended up in front of the run down apartment building, she did not know. She had been driving around for a while, unable to decide if she wanted to go to the beach or drive up into the hills, when she had found herself in the familiar neighborhood. Before she could talk herself out of it, Sharon parked the car at the curb, got out and walked across the street towards the rickety stairs that still looked as shaky as they had a few weeks ago. She stopped at the row of mail boxes at the side of the building, her hands lightly brushing over the name tags until she came to a brand new one. It was sloppily placed over the one that carried Andy's name, still showing enough of it for her to recognize it.

Of course he would no longer live in that old apartment. He had told her that Amanda had asked him to come home. There was no reason for him to still be here. Had a part of her been hoping that he had changed his mind? Or that Amanda had? She had no way of knowing. It had been close to seven weeks since they had last seen each other, after all.

When she had returned from her time off three weeks ago, she had been told that Andy had taken his vacation days as well, just as she was about to come back, and would be gone for the next month. She had been relieved when she had heard that they would have even more time to put some emotional distance between one another, even though she had missed working with him.

With a heavy sigh, Sharon returned to her car, throwing one last glance at the place that held so many beautiful memories, yet so much pain, before she climbed into the driver's seat and pulled back into traffic. She pointed the car towards Santa Monica. The strong wind and slight chill in the air would make sure that the beach would not be too crowded. She looked forward to spending a few hours staring into the distance with nothing but the sound of the waves and the wind and a few strangers who paid no attention to a lone woman sitting in the sand. No one would notice her tears. No one would bother her.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Darkness was about to fall when Sharon left the beach and the calming sea to walk back to where she had left her car. Her body was stiff from the cold and from sitting on the ground for hours. The time she had spent alone had led her to make a decision. For the first time since that morning, she felt like she had some control over her situation, some idea of where to go next.

She had been to the house before, a few years ago when she had driven Andy home after his car had broken down. They had been merely friends back then, and she had not felt strange about waving at the pretty blonde woman who had opened the door and greeted her husband with a tender kiss. Amanda had waved back and given her a friendly smile and a nod of thanks before she had dragged Andy inside the tiny bungalow and closed the door. Back then, Nicole had been barely six months old and they had all been so happy.

As she slowly drove along the quiet street, she saw movement in the driveway. The front door was open and light streamed out onto the porch where Amanda stood, clad in a warm jacket, looking over to the old, red Ford and the man who was trying to lock the car without jostling the sleeping child in his arms too much. Once he succeeded, Andy walked up the two steps to join his wife, pausing next to her to accept the kiss she placed on his cheek and allow her to caress their daughter's brown curls. Then they all walked into the house and left her alone, sitting in her car at the side of the road with tears sliding down her cheeks.

She stayed there for endless minutes, motor running, one of her hands resting over her still flat belly. Would her child have dark hair, too? Would he or she have brown eyes that sparkled with mischief? And if so, would Jack be able to love a child that reminded him every day of his wife's infidelity? He had said that he had forgiven her, that he understood, but would he still feel that way once he saw this tiny being and the irrefutable evidence that the father was another? But what if all her worrying was for nothing? What if the child was indeed Jack's? Should she take the chance of being a father away from him just because she was feeling guilty? And did the child not have the right to grow up with a proper family?

In the end, Sharon realized that it would not be right to talk to Andy. He was making an effort to be a good father and husband, and she had no right to sabotage that just because there was a fifty-fifty chance that he might be the one who got her pregnant. Jack wanted her, and he wanted this baby. They had decided to make their marriage work, so she would continue to do that. If it turned out down the road that they were unsuccessful, they had at least given it their best shot. They owed that much to one another and to the little human being they would bring into the world.

~TBC~