What do space aliens have to do with my religion? Can I really love a space alien? I sighed, still wrestling with the issue.
"You're better off without her," said a voice somewhere beneath a row of corn stalks.
I shook my head. "Do you believe in heaven, mister Ishuca?"
"It's Huegra, Mr. Human. We have names. But yes, I believe in Cucrah, where we can be together forever with Igxatu and all our lost ones."
"Who is Igxatu? A dead relative of yours?"
"No, Igxatu is my god."
I smirked. "Do they have gardens in...Cucrah?"
Huegra nodded. "Yes, they're indescribable. Do you intend to chase your romantic interest? While I am enjoying this conversation, I can tell you have something else on your mind."
Indeed, it was true. I really had no good reason to speak about such matters with a glowing squid, except to verbalize my frustration. "Um...I don't know. I'd say something to her, but my bible isn't up for a revision."
"What does your heart say?"
I swallowed. "The heart is deceptive. It says so in the book."
"What about friendship, then?" the creature's head blinked.
I paused and thought about it for a minute. "You know, I do like having alien friends..."
I marched up the path.
"Good boy. Go get her."
I looked around, but didn't see her. Instead, I spotted Osmifa sitting on a bench in the flower garden.
I waved to her. "Hey."
She smiled, waved back. "Hey yourself."
"So...what's this you were saying about the Tamtiwa?"
The smile disappeared. "First I want to know what you said to Ibira to get her all upset."
I reddened. "It's...private."
"Well maybe I think the answer to your question is private too."
"Fine," I sighed. "I...I guess you'd say I made a racist remark."
She gave me a disapproving look. "Tell you what. You go apologize, and we'll talk."
I sighed, shook my head. "Great. Now I really feel like a heel."
"Glad I could help."
"Where did she go?"
Osmifa pointed to the back corner. "Only her favorite spot, near the asparagus and other things people never eat."
I found Ibira near the entrance, planting seeds in a patch of soil next to an Ishuca, dejectedly signing things to the creature as she dug holes with a trowel.
I sat down next to them, dirtying the knees of my jeans. "Can I help?"
She rolled her eyes. "Does your faith allow that?"
"Look. I'm sorry, Ibira. You know, I was just talking with...some people and it got me thinking. Just because someone isn't your species doesn't mean you necessarily got to treat them like...dirt."
She winced at the unintended pun.
"I mean, I don't have to preach the gospel to space aliens, but I guess it won't hurt to show them Christian love anyway. It's a good model of friendship. It might even save a lost human."
She chuckled. "Or something else if your faith turns out to be more inclusive than you think."
I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just bit my lip and said nothing.
"Maybe," said her Ishuca friend.
"How does that," I stopped myself from saying `that thing.' "How does this Ishuca know English?"
"Obviously someone from this company told him `I need some carrots planted over here,' so he had to know something."
I would have asked how to tell the genders apart, but I didn't want to cause another spat. We got up, brushing ourselves off.
As we were walking back to the exit, an Ishuca popped out of a pumpkin patch, holding up a baseball. "Would you like to have this?"
I shrugged. "I...guess. Where'd you get it from?"
"A human was playing baseball here. We thought he'd break the windows, so we killed and buried him here."
I stepped back in fright.
The Ishuca laughed, but it sounded kind of creepy. "Just kidding. He's still working in your office. But we did inject him with a potion that makes him sleepwalk down here every so often to plant strawberries."
I frowned at the creature. "Can that stuff also make you walk around in a loincloth shooting at cats with a bow and arrow?"
I didn't think it was possible to see an expression of bafflement on a squid, but I actually saw it. "No. Why would it do that?"
Ibira gawked at me. "So that is what happens during the sleepwalking episodes you described?"
I nodded.
"This is not Ishuca doing." The creature again offered the baseball.
I nervously reached out and took it. "I...won't use it around here."
The Ishuca laughed. "If you see Robert, tell him the watermelons look great."
I cringed.
Ibira grabbed my hand. "Come on. Let us continue our walk."
And so we strolled between rows of bean plants and a cluster of rice paddies.
"Um...we don't have a bat," I said. "But we could play catch, I guess. Maybe not here next to the window, but somewhere."
Ibira nodded. "I don't relish getting a xotroc either."
"What exactly is a xotroc?"
Her second hand wrapped itself around my shoulder. "It's...a companion bug. It attaches itself to the nervous system...but it's codependent."
"You mean `symbiotic'?"
She nodded. "Yes, symbiotic. It gives the host a pleasant burst of dopamine at the completion of its daily task, similar to an orgasm. It's harmless."
I grimaced. "You seem...oddly familiar with this."
"I am a Thark. These things are common knowledge in my tribe."
She let go of my hand, putting that lower left hand around my waist. "You shouldn't be so upset that the Ishuca made comments. After all, no one has ever seen a Thark with a human boyfriend before."
My face turned pink. "I guess not...wait, you still want to be my girlfriend?"
She gave me a slight nod. "Perhaps I can improve more than your child's genetics."
We returned to the hallway, practicing throwing and catching in a section of the building relatively free of breakables.
When Ibira decided to try throwing from a greater distance, the ball bounced off my hand, rolling into a room with bunk beds.
I took one look inside and backed away.
Noting my apprehension, Ibira marched up to me with her hands on her hips. "What is the matter?"
"I'm not going in that room. There's some squirrels in there..." I lowered my voice. "And I think they want my nuts!"
Ibira laughed. "You? Afraid of a bunch of squirrels?"
I nodded. "They're not garden variety squirrels. They're...bigger...And kind of perverted."
Giggling, my girlfriend said, "Fine. I will retrieve the ball from the perverted squirrels' den."
She stepped into the room. "Hello! Sex crazed squirrels! I am retrieving my cowardly friend's ball! Do not disturb his nuts! He has other plans for them!"
Laughing, she stepped back out, throwing me the ball. "I saw some clothing in there. It looked like yours, but everything was covered in slime. Are you sure the squirrels didn't already take your nuts?"
I swallowed, shaking my head. "No. I, uh..." I dropped my voice to a low mutter. "I got away before they could take my virginity."
Ibira grinned. "I can tell...Are you certain you don't want your clothing back?"
I nodded. I didn't even want to think about touching that gunk.
We moved the game a little further down the hallway, becoming more adventurous with our throws.
After carrying on like this for about ten minutes, frequently getting the ball lost in various rooms (on my end, of course), we called it quits for the night.
It was like the ending to a first date. We just awkwardly stared at each other, fumbling for words to say before departing for the night.
Ibira dug in a pouch attached to her harness, handing me a stubby twig that looked like a green ginger root with pink and purple spots.
"What's this?" I said.
"It's Ximur Claw. It will help you sleep."
I frowned. "It's not going to give me an orgasm, is it?"
"Would that be bad?"
"I'm not going to get much rest if I'm splurting on myself or spending all night in the room down the hallway planting tomatoes."
She chuckled. "Don't be silly. It's just a sedative. The worst it will do is give you strange dreams. Just chew on it for awhile until you feel it working"
"Uh...thank you." I paused, staring at the root. "What kind of weird dreams?"
"It varies. Do you want to sleep or not?"
"Fine."
"Just chew on it until you get so drowsy that feel you're going to choke on it, then spit it out and go to sleep."
I nodded. "Thanks. Good night, Ibira."
She smiled at me. "I enjoyed our evening together. I had a lot of fun."
"Really?" I stammered in surprise.
"Yes. Considering the circumstances, I think a platonic kiss to the cheek would be injurious to you, so this will have to do."
She stepped in close, grabbed both of my shoulders, and my hips, giving my face a gentle poke with her tusks.
With a soft purr, she rubbed her cheek against mine. "Good night."
Grinning bashfully, I left her, returning to the sleeping quarters.
The bunks were now occupied, Sam on top of his bunk, Snaker on the top across from him, other coworkers sleeping on the others.
I crawled into my sleeping bag, chewing the root in the prescribed manner until I got drowsy and spat it out, falling into a deep sleep.
In my dream, I found myself sitting naked in a field of green grass, staring as a naked blue feline woman plugged her dreadlocks into glowing willow fronds dangling from a tree branch above her head.
She swayed back and forth, chanting something in a foreign language.
As I watched, I noticed white plant tendrils curling around my thighs, some of them digging right through my skin, but they didn't bother me somehow.
"Hello?" I called.
No answer.
My eyes opened, and I found myself staring at a blank expressionless human face in a black suit.
"You've been sleepwalking, Mr. Finch," the man said. "I'd avoid going outside if I were you."
I started, glancing at my surroundings with confusion.
I'd gotten out into the hallway somehow, some featureless concrete corridor, presumably within the same building I went to sleep in. When I looked back in the direction of the suited man, he was gone.
The hallway was cold.
Feeling a chill and goosebumps rising on bare skin, I looked down and suddenly noticed I was naked.
Disoriented, I followed a wall until I bumped into a female figure in a labcoat.
Grace Augustine.
With a laugh, the woman laughed and handed me a towel, directing me to my sleeping quarters.
I covered myself. "Wait. I need to ask you something."
"Get dressed. We'll talk."
I did so, returning to the hallway.
"I understand you have questions about the Tamtiwa...and Jake Sulley," the woman said.
"Yeah. Jake is my dad."
She frowned. "Was. He sabotaged a space shuttle and died in the explosion. It's just as well because he'd previously contracted a sexually transmitted disease."
I frowned. "Oh."
After thinking a minute, I said, "I've had...dreams about him being with the Tamtiwa."
Grace smirked a little. "They were wonderful creatures. Your father loved them. But his heart was really with the Na'vi."
"What do you remember about him?"
She let out a heavy sigh. "If I were you, I'd forget him. And his ghostly friends."
With that, she walked away.
Still groggy and tired, I stumbled back to my bed, climbed into my sleeping bag.
I dreamed I was deep in the glowing jungle, thigh deep in glowing vines. The vines coiled upwards as I watched a blue woman plugging her hair into a tree.
I frowned. This was the same female that had been hanging around dad in the last couple dreams. I cringed at the implied incestuous relationship.
"Hello," she said in my mind.
"Hi!" I found myself saying. "Who are you?"
"I am Neytiri."
"Where's dad?"
A second later a giant pig's head squealed in my face, vomiting a geyser of cold water.
I awoke to the sight of Sam pointing the muzzle of a super soaker at me. "Breakfast. And you'd better hurry because your class is starting in about twenty minutes."
I glared at him, but still felt grateful for the wake up call.
With a groan, I got up, prepared myself for work, hustled to the cafeteria.
Breakfast consisted of eggs, the side dishes from the previous night, and cuts of orange-purple meat.
"I thought that meat was expired and you weren't going to serve any more," I said to the bald girl.
She nodded. "It was. This is Ikran."
I swallowed. "You mean, like the one Victor was trying to shoot in the hallway the other day?"
"The same." The girl grinned. "See? Completely fresh!"
Having already eaten worse, I rolled my eyes and took a slice, seating myself at the table I'd occupied last evening.
"How was your sleep?" Ibira asked me as I hurriedly shoveled food in my mouth.
"Good," I mumbled. "But you're right. I did have weird dreams."
She giggled. "About what?"
I reddened. "Gardening."
Smirking, she stood up. "See you in class."
I finished up, dashing after her.
Halfway to the room, Juanita came marching up in front of me. I tried to step around her, but she blocked my path. "Hey. You're Jason, right?"
"Y-yeah,"I said. "What's up?"
She giggled, looking, I don't know, like she were into me.
Okay, I thought. Maybe I don't have to date outside the species.
"I heard you were single."
I swallowed. Great start! I thought. Just don't blow it. You might not have another chance! "I...am. Why?"
Play it cool...
The girl snickered. "Well, I figured you was lonely, so I thought I might hook you up!"
I've heard that line before. When something sounds too good to be true...
"Is she fat?" I groaned.
The look on her face facetiously said `sorry!' "She's not super big..."
"Did Ibira put you up to this?"
"Oh nooo." But her face said yes.
"Thanks, but I'm not that desperate."
"You really got the hots for her, don't you?"
I reddened. "She's perfect."
The girl rolled her eyes. "It really do take all kinds," she said in a sing-song voice. "Bye."
We trained in the same classroom as before. The class seemed smaller, but I guessed it had something to do with the break policy.
Ibira sat in the desk next to me this time.
"Today we're going to familiarize you with aliens," Vuembi said when everyone got situated. "There are perhaps more than one hundred paying species across the known galaxy. Obviously this doesn't account for the billions that don't have currency or Revnids, but that's not important. I'm going to give you a quick rundown of the species that we do business with most, just so you know what to look out for when you see them."
Using his holographic device, he displayed a picture of a figure in a pink frilly dress, with furry arms and legs and a tail. "This is a Harfon. They have two sexes, male and female. As you can see in this image, sometimes the males wear outfits that make it difficult to tell which is which. This one is a male. Notice his square jaw and lack of a tuft on his tail."
He next showed the image of a large praying mantis with a slug's head. "The Kascen. They're friendlier than they look. A little hard to warm up to, but if you're willing to humiliate yourself, you can do business successfully with them."
A humanoid rodent appeared.
I shuddered when I noticed the beak. The tail. The lingerie.
I was thoroughly familiar with them.
"The Choroquin. These guys are wild. No sense of decency, no sense of shame, no harassment laws. Their middle name is `indecent'."
I agreed with that assessment.
I noticed Ibira smirking at me, pointing to the image.
I just rolled my eyes.
I looked around to see if that one pregnant rodent was present to give a rebuttal, but she was curiously absent.
"If you see them doing anything inappropriate," the teacher said, "Just ignore it and keep doing what needs to be done. Keep professional, don't get distracted, just keep going with the call."
Ibira silently gestured at me, as if to say, "See? That's what you do!"
"Remember, these calls are being recorded, so don't respond to anything in an inappropriate manner unless...uh, never mind. Just don't."
The image of a rather serious looking man in a black robe appeared.
"The next ones are basically human, so I'll just rush through them."
The instructor showed us several holographic pictures of the creatures we'd be providing service to, a wide assortment of strange and unusual species with even stranger names. And at the end of the list,
I saw a man in a strange military outfit.
"Caladan."
The hologram changed to a fat man dressed like a tourist. People laughed.
"Earth. Self explanatory."
An image of a woman in a shiny black bodysuit.
"Arakeem."
Rahevu. Nobnasaj. Geforav. Coonwu. Isnugi. Sekveh. Uzadotix. He apparently found these places trivial and unimportant, despite the fact that the category `Basically Human' covered a bunch of things that only had maybe one or two human-like features, and didn't even have the same colors of skin.
The next ten minutes were a bewildering blur of zoological specimens.
The moment I had my hand raised to ask a question, the instructor would show a different alien or bring up a new detail, raising two more questions in my mind, and when I asked a question, he'd just say he'd explain it later. Eventually I gave up trying to ask anything.
After we had gotten through the list, the instructor made us open a program displaying policies. "The laws of the galaxy are different than the ones on earth. There's going to be a lot of things you'll need to watch out for, and a lot of things you'll need to forget you've learned. First and foremost, financial laws differ from planet to planet. Some places have strict laws about how you can collect while others have no laws. We at DOGOS err on the side of caution, except in the cases where it doesn't make good business sense and we cannot compete."
He went on lecturing for an hour. Despite being extraterrestrials, the material turned out to be surprisingly dry. I took notes the best he could, but most of it read like Fair Credit Reporting legislature and my eyes began to glaze over.
When Vuembi mentioned slavery, I bolted upright in my chair.
"As wrong as it sounds, many planets do practice slavery. You will need to watch the prompts carefully to make sure you don't disclose information to them in non Darqul regions, or, in some instances, make sure you don't even talk to them."
"What if you customer is a slave?" I heard Zia asking.
"In those cases, we go by the laws of that region. In some cases, we wear special tags or transfer a special encoded symbol to verify the discussion. Again, I want you all to remember, be professional, no matter what they look like, what they're wearing, or what they're doing."
I furrowed my brow. "What kind of slaves are these?"
"All kinds," Vuembi said dryly.
And that's how deep it got.
For a moment, the classroom erupted in murmuring.
Behind me, I could hear Zia angrily muttering something about unjust evils and oppression and white devils, but when when a student in the seat next to her mentioned that they weren't black and had segmented eyes, she shut up.
"Now, let's go over the Edatro Niopid law," and he spent another hour talking about laws and policies.
"I feel like I've been studying a Warcraft textbook," someone complained. "This knowledge is completely useless."
Vuembi stuck out his chest. "I assure you, Mr. Stewart, that you will eventually use every bit of the knowledge you're receiving in class today, and will likely discover that you haven't studied nearly enough."
A cheat sheet got handed out for the test on major policies, then we commenced lessons on call control (you know, dealing with unruly customers) and a computer module.
A brief language lesson followed, with some basics on conjugating verbs and noun forms that I didn't see the value of at all.
"Obviously," Vuembi said. "You're not going to learn an entire language in only two twenty four hour periods. Due to this fact, before you take your first calls, you are going to need the aid of a language assistant. How many of you are familiar with the Jandax?"
A few hands raised up.
I glanced around the room for the person who would be assisting the language calls, but didn't see anyone with an appropriately smug grin on their face.
"Right. Not many." He cleared his throat. "Our client, for the most part, speaks nothing but Neepra. We have therefore prepared a special biologic training aid which will be beneficial to you throughout your days of service with the company."
"Meet the Jandax."
Victor pushed in a cart containing a glass cage, one holding a cat sized caterpillar-like insect with a ridged shell. Donning a pair of welding gloves and goggles, he jabbed a pair of tongs into the creature's back until they came out with a wiggling slimy thing that looked like a slug and a centipede's love child. He brought this thing up to the side of my face.
"Wait!" I protested. "What is that! What are you doing!"
"Relax! It's the language training aid! It'll only hurt a moment, then you'll be able to understand a million different languages!"
"I saw Wrath of Khan. That thing can't be any good."
"Where do you think they got the idea from?" one of my classmates muttered.
Victor sighed. "It's not the same thing, kid. Look. If you don't put this in your ear, you're going to fail the calls, and be out of a job once we get back. Do you want to have to deal with that, or do you want a little alien earwig? To help you communicate?"
He was right. If I screwed this up, they could blackball me. I literally had nowhere to go.
Although I could speak some sort of strange language to Grace, and fluently, from what I gathered in all these lessons, it was not Neepra.
I already accepted the stupid policy about the diapers. If I really wanted this job, I'd have to bite the bullet and do what he said.
I swallowed. "Make it quick."
Victor shoved the slimy thing in my left ear, and I felt something slithering and digging around the skin, burrowing deeper and deeper into my ear canal until I felt a sharp shooting pain.
I screamed.
"Damn!" Victor blurted. "I forgot the anesthetic!"
