A little more inside in Tonks' thoughts in this chapter and slight GWxLL! I'm really happy about the part on Ginny and Luna, I think it's the best part of the chapter...

Warning: Again rated M for graphic torture. Reviewers claimed this chapter to be saw-esque.


Burning Desire

Ice In Your Eyes

To conjure fake memories was probably the hardest thing Harry had ever tried even in comparison to the Patronus charm. Bellatrix had given him an unusual long and detailed instruction but still Harry did not feel that he was making any progress.

"Potter," Bellatrix snapped after a while. "I realize that this is difficult but we are running out of time. You holidays will be over in three days. Then you'll be going back to Hogwarts and I won't have Dumbledore be aware of the Dark Lord's plans just because your mind is leaking! So get a grip and concentrate."

"What do you think I'm doing here? It just doesn't work!" Harry hissed furiously.

"You're not trying hard enough," Bellatrix accused him.

"I'm damn well trying as hard as I can! Now would you shut the fuck up and at least let me concentrate when you're not helping?," Harry shouted enraged.

Bellatrix glared daggers at him but let him continue.

When he felt Bellatrix slowly entering his mind he started replaying wrong memories. Yesterday evening: dinner with the Dursleys. It was not hard since he had many memories like this... he tried to make it as livid as he could.

"Wait," Bellatrix interrupted him. "There is something... your family. Real or fake?"

She had seen it? And she could not tell by herself that it was fake. "Fake," he confirmed.

Bellatrix muttered something under her breath. Harry could tell that it definitely sounded relieved. "Now show me more, it has to be faster. Remember, Harry Potter, it is subconscious, just let the memories flow... your real ones should be protected by the Occlumency shields...," she instructed him.

Let them flow? How should he let one memory flow?

"It doesn't have to be detailed... they will develop by themselves," Bellatrix went on.

Hastily Harry showed her some other fake memories all related to the summer holidays. Doing chores, a visit from aunt Marge and Ripper, Dudley's gang, doing chores, the letter from Ron, Vernon shouting at him, doing chores...

Harry tried not to concentrate to much on one of the memories. He felt Bella probe the memory of aunt Marge's visit. It was strange to feel her presence and not to push her out of his mind. Then suddenly the memory of Marge developed on its own as Bellatrix looked closer at it. It became detailed and longer. Harry stood still in amazement.

"Finally," Bellatrix sighed. "I think you got the basics. Who was that woman?"

Harry glared at her. He hated speaking about Marge. Even to Ron and Hermione he had always kept quite about his 'aunt'.

"Uncle Vernon's sister," he said shortly.

Bellatrix grimaced disgustedly but said nothing. Harry did not mind at all. He did not need comfort – especially not from her.

"Well then, it's about time-" Bellatrix started but she was interrupted when Tonks entered the room.

"How's it going?," the younger woman asked cheerily.

Bellatrix shot Harry a look. "He managed to create false memories," she explained quietly. Harry noticed that Tonks looked impressed. "But it is still taking most of his concentration. How is the muggle?"

Tonks had some experience with healing magic from her Auror training and she had told them this morning that Sarah would not be able to survive the cruciatus curse much longer in the state she was currently in. Therefore Tonks had insisted that they first practiced on the false memories only.

"I have given her a healing potion," Tonks informed them. "She's dozing off now every second minute or so. I guess there were still drugs in her system that somehow reacted with the potion."

"It doesn't matter," Bellatrix dismissed it. "What about her state? Will she be able to take the cruciatus or not?"

Tonks smiled slyly. "She will."

"Good," Bellatrix simply said. "You know what to do, Potty, don't you?"

"I didn't forget it, Trixy," Harry replied casually.

In a matter of seconds Bellatrix had seized him by his neck. "Ever call me that again, Potter, and I swear, I'll break your neck with my bare hands!," she snarled furiously.

"What?," Harry said innocently. "It's not that bad. It's..."

Bellatrix gave him a hard push and he stumbled through the room while Tonks was almost choking with laughter.

"Just get over there and torture the muggle bitch, so we're done with this fucking bullshit...," Bellatrix barked. "And you," she assaulted her niece and bopped her hard in the side. "Stop laughing!"

"Ouch. Oh come on, it was funny...," Tonks pouted.

Harry walked over into the other room. "Can we start now or what?," he asked with mock boredom.

Bellatrix glanced darkly at Tonks before she joined Harry. "Let's get over with it."

Sarah was more or less lying on one of the couches, still blindfolded and halfway asleep.

"Crucio," Harry intoned once again as he pointed his wand at Sarah's sleeping form.

With a high pitched scream she woke up and rolled from the couch landing painfully on the floor where she writhed in pain. This time Harry was prepared for the extraordinary sensation. Instead of giving in to the immense pleasure he stayed alert for Bellatrix's presence in his mind.

When he felt her enter his mind he started to show her the same false memories as he had before and added a few new ones. It worked out better than he had expected. But when she started to search for his older memories... memories of his last term in school he hesitated. Theoretically he should show her the real memories... That was when she already had noticed his Occlumency shields.

Harry sighed in frustration and his curse faltered. Dammit.

Bellatrix looked at him, an unusual witty gleam in her eyes. "You know... you should try to shield only a part of your memories... the part that Dumbledore isn't allowed to see."

He had never before tried to shield only a part of his mind but he had to admit that it made sense.


Tonks watched patiently as Harry tried to follow Bella's vague instructions. She had learned basic Occlumency in her Auror training but she had to admit it was not a lesson she had excelled in. Therefore she was of very little help to Harry considering this particular ability.

But she had an idea. "What about you try to imagine your mind as a place? Put all the memories you don't want to be seen in the room you lock," Tonks suggested as Bella had once again discovered his Occlumency shields.

Both the other two hesitated.

"That might work," Bella agreed with a slight frown.

Tonks grinned. She liked to think visual and it was always easier for when she could picture something.

Harry nodded as well after giving it a thought. Tonks guessed he would be content as long as it worked.

All in all she was pleased about the entire situation. Harry was doing better than she had expected and she assumed that he would fare well in the future. When she had healed Harry's eyes she had used the opportunity to survey his whole body for any kind of injuries. She had found traces of older healing magic and potions, something that did not surprise her. What had really startled Tonks was that Harry had had the bones in his right arm regrown by magic. She had heard of those potions but always wondered when one would be in need of having his bones regrown. Apparently Harry would be able to tell her – whatever had happened to him.

But that was not very troublesome. What had truly unsettled Tonks were the signs of old injuries she had found. There were traces of bruising left – something that was not too uncommon – but also clear proof of rape. Some of those injuries were not so old and Tonks did not need to be a genius to tell that Harry had been raped during his summer holidays.

When she had first met Harry Potter she had known that living with the Dursley family was not a picnic for him. Seeing his room, his frail form and the lack of photos of him in the house was enough for her to know that he must have been severely neglected.

Tonks had not told Harry when he had asked her but another reason why she had left the Ministry and the Order had been him. She could put up with the Ministry and Dumbledore not trusting her, it was not like they were the only people in her life. It was not very cheery for her in her job but she did not depend on their appreciation. What Tonks could not stomach was how Dumbledore treated Harry. The headmaster was supposed to protect him and Tonks could not believe that Dumbledore did not know about how Harry was treated. And even if he did not know he would not have proved to be very caring.

She had hoped after that that Harry would realize he was being played. She had been quite surprised that Harry had now changed his allegiance all of a sudden and she wondered what the reason had been.

Tonks could see now that things would go a lot better for Harry – should he survive the war.

Should we win, she thought. Tonks did not have general doubts but she was cautious. While with the Aurors she had seen how a secure situation could turn into a disaster within seconds.

She wished she could be as optimistic about her own life as she was about Harry's. Tonks watched Bella. Her other reason why she had changed sides. It was wicked but ever since she had seen a picture of her aunt when she was a young girl – her mother had kept old photographs from her childhood days – she had been infatuated with her aunt.

When she had heard of Bella's escape from Azkaban she could not help herself any longer. She had had to meet this mysterious woman.

Bella's eyes where closed, her body relaxed as she surveyed Harry's mind. She looked so peaceful like that, so young. Sometimes it was hard to forget that she was only 35. The experiences she had already made in her life showed in her eyes, there always was a slightly haunted expression in them, something that others often viewed as insanity.

Tonks suspected that the information Harry had drawn form her were not very safe in his mind. She had no idea how her aunt would react to Tonks' attraction. She was aware of Bella's fanatic devotion to the Dark Lord. She wondered if Bella would still be able to love someone else, to care about someone else. It was quite obvious that she did not love Rodolphus. Not that Tonks minded.

She had met Rodolphus only a few times and quickly realized that his and Bella's marriage only existed theoretically. Tonks did not like Rodolphus, he had something about him that unsettled her more than any other person ever had unsettled her.

His brother Rabastan was quite different though and Tonks liked him better. He was much more open minded and appeared to be calmer and more amiable than his brother. Well as calm and as amiable as you can when you spent 14 years in prison. But Tonks had the feeling that deep down he was more cunning and dangerous than Rodolphus and even Bella for that matter.

"You got it," Bella's voice snapped Tonks out of her thoughts. She could see the relief on both Bella's and Harry's face. "If you keep up the shields like this Dumbledore won't notice anything. Finally."

Tonks stood up from the couch. Her back hurt. She had lost the feeling for time while being deep in thought.

Harry looked slightly exhausted, his face paler than usual. Bella on the other hand seemed to be satisfied. Despite what Bella had said Tonks did not know what to think about the relationship between Bella and Harry. She was not sure what motivated Bella. Sometimes Tonks suspected it to be fascination... but she could never be certain.

The muggle woman Tonks had brought here was lying on the floor.

"She passed out again," Tonks informed them.

"Can you wake her up?," Bella asked with a hint of impatience.

Tonks bent down next to the woman. She was breathing very lightly. She lifted the woman's lids up. Her pupils were wide, showing a lack of response to exterior stimuli.

Tonks looked at Bella. "I could wake her up. But it would not take long until she fainted again. She is physically exhausted to an extreme degree. It would be better to wait at least 12 hours," she said seriously.

Bella looked displeased with this but nodded. "Then we will wait. We have still a little time left at least," she decided. Then she smiled somewhat nastily to Harry. "I would not want for Potter that one of his lessons is omitted."


Ginny had managed to talk her mother into letting her visit Luna this afternoon. She had efficiently outwitted her mother's argument ("After all you're seeing her in two days!") by claiming that they had last minute schoolwork to do ("We are supposed to write an essay for Professor Sprout..."). Her mother had not been particularly pleased that she had not done this assignment earlier but she could not say 'no'.

Luna had visited her a few times as well over the summer but they preferred to stay with Luna's dad than under the watchful eye of Molly Weasley. Then, of course there had been their memorable meeting at Fortescue's ice cream parlor...

Ginny had thought a lot about Harry since then. She could not help but to be seriously worried about him. Ginny had not liked his decision to go with Tom... with You Know Who. What troubled her, too, was the question: what happened to him at his relatives house that he preferred to stay with the murderer of his parents? She could not answer this question but every time she thought about it, chills run down her back.

Their meeting in Diagon Alley had caused Ginny to think about her first year again, something she had tried to suppress in the past. For her her first year had been filled with angst and sorrow and her only friend had been a book.... She remembered being afraid of going insane about that fact, but Tom's presence had been too soothing to stay away from. Ginny was sure that he would have the least problems to make Harry feel the same as he had Ginny. Her first year had been like a weird dream... a dream that turned into a nightmare. Ironically the peak of the nightmare had not been almost dying, it had not been Tom draining her life, it had been surviving.

It had taken her some time to stomach the shame she had felt afterward, the silent accusation in her fellow students faces and the mistrust of her parents, especially the coolness her mother had shown her.

Now she felt similar to her first year, her world was falling apart, torn by war and hatred. She felt she would have to decide soon but she did not know what to do, what to choose.

Fortunately this time she had someone who gave her strength, she was not as alone anymore as in her first year. Silently she snuggled closer to Luna.

The girls were lying on Luna's huge bed and looked up at the ceiling which Luna had painted during the holidays. Ginny loved it, Luna was so creative and talented in painting.

"What are you thinking about,?" asked Luna curiously who had felt her move.

"Harry," Ginny answered thoughtfully.

"You don't need to worry, Gene," Luna said seriously.

Ginny sighed. "But I do," she whispered. "I don't understand... What has happened to him? What is happening to us? I am afraid, Lu. Last year everything seemed so easy, so uncomplicated... what has happened?"

Luna sat up slightly to look at Ginny. Her huge blue eyes were sad.

"Nothing changed," Luna spoke. "What you know has changed, Gene. Last year I Saw..."

Ginny immediately saw the anguish in her beloved's eyes. She took Luna's hand and squeezed it tightly. "What did you See? Psht, you can tell me...," she tried to comfort Luna.

"Seers are supposed to stay neutral but I couldn't let that happen...," Luna started. "I Saw a possible future, Ginny."

Ginny stomach started to turn. She had a very bad feeling. "What happened?," she asked wearily.

"The light won but...," there was a deep pain in Luna's eyes as she looked at Ginny. "Dumbledore destroyed Harry's soul."

Ginny could only stare in shock.

"There was an other possibility," Luna continued on. "The dark won... there were so many deaths..."

Ginny shook her head in horror. "Did any of us... survive?," she asked carefully.

Luna seemed to freeze. She slowly shook her head.

"Oh Merlin," Ginny breathed as she hugged Luna tightly who was trembling in her arms.

"Is that why? Why you encouraged Harry to change sides?" Ginny asked, understanding somewhat more now. "Will it change?"

Luna nodded hesitantly. "I cannot tell for sure what will happen now... We will all have to make sacrifices."

"Isn't that what life always is like?," Ginny sighed, still horrified.

Luna stared intensely at her. "No," she said. "Nothing compares to what is about to come..."

Ginny stared up at the ceiling, speechless. The paintings were truly beautiful but she had no idea what it actually was that Luna had painted.


Bella still was … it was hard to define really. First of all she was surprised if not stunned. The same time she was amazed to be true to herself. Then again she was almost amused. But all in all – and there was no way to deny it – she was shocked.

Potter had definitely shocked Bella. Something she had expected to never happen. Had she not seen it herself she would have deemed it a lie. Because Potter had excelled in the challenge she had set for him. In retrospect maybe she could have expected it when she had witnessed his cruciatus curse.

That should have made her reconsider her opinion on Potter. But she had not. And now the truth had hit her over the head. Bella could not help but feel slight respect for Potter now. He was intelligent and creative – almost cunning and he would be of great use in the war. But Bella also had to personally accredit what he had done. It had been quite interesting how he had played on the muggles emotions. It had been a while since she had seen real quality in torture.

And that it was Potter of all people who would be the torturer...

..."Listen. I have talked to them...," Potter had said to the muggle in a most desperate voice. Bella and Tonks had surveyed them but only he knew they were there thanks to their desillusionment charm."They said they would let us go if..."

"If what? What? Just tell me!!," the woman had cried, her pathetic hope audible in her tone. "I will do it."

Potter had sighed and Bella had started to wonder how long he had been working on this. There was clearly a certain level of trust between them.

"You will have to do a few things...," he had said wearily and looked at the muggle. She urged him to go on. Instead of answering he showed her a long knife.

The muggle had stared at it with huge fearful eyes. Then she had breathed deeply. "They will let us go?," she had asked, suddenly calm. Potter nodded. "What do I have to do?"

Bella had thought to have seen a brief flicker of triumph on Potter's face but it was gone too fast for her to really identify what it was.

"They... they want you to hurt yourself... Cut patterns in your skin...," he had said weakly, giving a convincing image of someone who could not stomach injuries and blood.

The muggle had closed her eyes. After a few moments she had reopened them and taken the knife from Potter.

With shaking hands she had started to draw patterns on her skin flinching in pain. Bella had watched impassively as silent tears had run down the muggle's cheeks as the woman had cut in her own flesh. She had started with her arms which had quickly been covered in blood that run from manifold wounds. The woman had not cut deeply but it had naturally been bleeding anyways.

When she had started to cut in her leg she had not been able to take it any longer and had stopped, sobbing. Bella had not missed the cruel fascination on Potter's face that had shown there all the while, the satisfaction. For the first time Bella had wondered what might have happened to the boy that he would feel so much hatred. Surely the golden boy had lived a perfect life, free of sorrows (besides Her Lord wanting to kill him)? It had seemed she had been mistaken.

"Do I have to go on?," the muggle had pleaded. "I can't... I can't any longer."

"Do you want to live?," Potter had asked her, his tone suddenly completely changed. It had not been caring any longer, instead it had been mocking.

Bella had been able to see the muggle's eyes dilate in realization. Her head had shot up to look at Potter.

"You...," she had whispered, horrified. "You never were on my side... you never wanted to help me..."

"Go on," Potter had snarled. "If you want to live."

After that the woman had flinched considerably and followed his instructions with even more eagerness. Bella had known that the muggle had reached a point were her survival instinct had kicked in. She had not been defiant, neither had she blamed Potter for his betrayal. She had not cared about anything but that there was the slightest chance for her to survive.

Against all ration the woman had viciously cut in her own skin having caused Bella to marvel at the phenomenon of the human living will.

Finally Potter had looked over to where he had known she had stood. "Did this convince you?," he had asked.

Bella's mind had been blank. There had been no response in her head to give. So instead she had ended the desillusionment charm and simply nodded. There had been nothing to say. He had convinced her.

"And now, Potter, kill her," Bella said calmly. They were all still in the same room, Dora and herself visible now. The muggle sat on the floor, the bloodied knife still in her hands.

"What?," she screamed at those words. "You said I was going to live if I did what you told me!"

Potter smiled at this. "Well," he said, "I lied."

The woman then only stared up at him and viciously shook her head.

"I think you know how it works," Bella calmly went on like nothing had happened. "Just concentrate."

Potter thoughtfully looked at her, then he nodded once.

"Avada Kedavra," he said impassively as he pointed his wand at the muggle. She fell over, obviously dead.

Bella, Potter and Dora stared at each other. Theoretically the third curse was supposed to be the hardest but then again...

"You know, Harry," Dora said, breaking the silence, "You have to do something about your eyes."

"What about them?," Potter asked confused. Bella frowned.

Dora titled her head as she surveyed Potter. "They look like they're frozen over."


Okay, this was rather short but it was only the last days of Harry's holidays. Next chapter will deal with Harry's reunion with his 'friends'... featuring some of the DA, Draco and his lot, Horace Slughorn and Romilda Vane! Considering the word count, there may also be a glimps of our dear Minister for Magic...

Please review!!

THEY MAY NEED HIM BUT HARRY IS ALWAYS AN AFTERTHOUGHT. HE CHANGED SIDES AND HE IS STILL AN AFTERTHOUGHT. This is part of a review that I got for the last chapter. (Thank you, Peruser!) It really made me think. Is Harry an afterthought? It seems like that at parts... Be assured that Harry will NOT END UP AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT. Neither will he always have to share. I wanted to point this out for everyone. The situation right now is just quite chaotic... but Voldemort will/does not only care about him because he is a horcrux. Okay I have ranted enough...

EDITED 20/01/10