a/n: Reminder that full italic sections are memories, also know that not every memory is going to be addressed/acknowledged by Emma in present time. But know that they are things she's remembering and is therefore directly affected what she's thinking, how she's feeling, her decisions, who she is in general etc. As always thank you so much for reading! I love hearing what you think!
"This is silly," Emma laughs as she walks backwards. Killian stands in front of her, his hands on her shoulders as he leads her through some nonexistent forest path. He'd been excited about this surprise all day, which is why she'd eagerly played along when he asked her to turn around. "Why can't I just close my eyes?"
"Because you'll peek," he smirks, his eyes alight with playfulness.
Emma's mouth drops open as she pretends to be affronted. "I will not!"
Killian's eyebrow arches high as if to say he knows better, and she rolls her eyes a little, loving every second of this little game of theirs. "Fine…I might. But what about a blindfold? That's got to be easier than what we're doing now."
Killian shakes his head chuckling. "You'd find a way to look."
"You just think doing it this way is more amusing."
He smirks again. "Perhaps."
Emma huffs just as she loses her footing on a free branch. She stumbles a little, and instinctively looks back to try and catch herself. But Killian tightens his grip on her and holds her upright.
"No looking," Killian chastises teasingly and Emma whips her head back to look at him.
"I was falling!"
"Such little faith in me," Killian says with a shake of his head. "As if I would ever let you fall."
Emma laughs happily, reaching up to brush a bit of his hair back. She loves when he gets like this, loves how playful he gets every time he's trying to surprise her.
"You're ridiculous sometimes." Her tone is filled with nothing but affection, and its mirrored back in the way his eyes soften and his lips tip up in a gentle smile.
"I know," he hums as he leans forward and brushes his nose against hers. Emma can't help but sigh, her eyes closing as he presses a quick kiss to her lips.
He lingers with his forehead pressed to hers for a second longer before he straightens his spine and clears his throat. He tries to give her a serious look but all it does is make Emma bite her lip as she tries to keep from giggling again.
"Now, no more looking, Swan. You'll ruin the surprise."
She can't help the grin that spreads across her face. "Kiss me again and I promise not to look."
Killian more than happily obliges, leaning into her and capturing her lips with his. Emma hums and rises up on her toes, pressing further into him and deepening the kiss.
She falls back on her heels with a content hum and opens her eyes to find him staring down at her with bright eyes and wind tousled hair—and oh, how this man can do things to her heart.
It's unfair really, considering all he's doing is guiding her down some unknown forest path.
They'd driven a little over an hour out of the city to spend the late afternoon hiking. The drive had almost been as nice as the hike. But nothing could beat the expanse of lush green trees around them, or the brisk air against their cheeks. And the only thing better than the fresh scent of pine and oak was the feel of Killian's hand in hers.
But forty or so minutes into their trek Killian had insisted she turn around and let him lead her the rest of the way. Not that she'd been surprised, she always knows when he's up to something—his excited smiles and attempts at nonchalance easy enough to read.
In all reality she only spends a few minutes walking backwards. They'd left the hiking trail behind, entering a maze of tall trees, and were now just far enough out to be alone should someone else come walking by, but still close enough that they could easily find the trail again when they needed to.
Emma has no idea where they're going and a small part of her wonders if Killian actually knows either. But eventually her doubts are put to rest when they pass a noticeable tree line and enter a small clearing.
Killian grants her a boyish grin before he spins her around and waits as she soaks everything in.
She can't stop the tiny gasp that escapes her.
The clearing is small, but filled with lush grass that sways in the breeze like a small sea of green. It looks soft enough to lie in, and deep enough that you'd disappear if you did. A small creek flows off to the left and the song of water trickling past is delicate and peaceful.
In the middle of the grass lays a large blanket, she recognizes it as the one he always has in the back of his trunk, accompanied by a couple of giant pillows, a picnic basket, and several candles locked away in mason jars just waiting to be lit.
"Killian—" she breathes a little dazed.
"Do you like it?"
She turns to find him watching her, and the depth and warmth she finds in his blue eyes never fails to leave her breathless. "When did you do all of this?"
"I may have skipped out on work this morning to come and set everything up."
She beams at that. Most days she feels like she doesn't deserve this wonderful man, and today is no different.
"I love it." she breathes as she folds her arms around his neck and presses herself against him. His arms instantly wrap around her waist and they sway together for a moment. "What's the special occasion?"
His hand smooths up and down her spine in a warm path that has her melting just a little further into him. "I don't need an occasion to do something special for you."
She gazes at him a little speechless. She has no idea how he does this. How everything he does, everything about him, seems to just knit up her heart and heal every ache and every lonely night she's ever experienced.
But he does.
And sometimes she's not sure how her heart can hold everything she feels for him without being in danger of completely bursting.
What she is in danger of though, is becoming completely overwhelmed, and she's not sure she could explain even happy tears right now. So with no more words to say, she surges forward and kisses him.
There's desperation in the way her lips meet his, in the way her hands tangle in his hair. As though his lips are the anchor that keeps her from drifting, and doing anything other than kissing him in that moment is something completely unbearable.
Killian grunts a little in surprise at the intensity of her kiss, but it doesn't take him long to melt into her and meet her with just as much fervor.
Eventually, when the need for air surpasses her need for his lips, she breaks away, her chest rising and falling with her heavy breathes. Killian doesn't miss a beat though, moving his lips to her neck and trailing up to the spot behind her ear that has her eyes fluttering shut.
"I think," he whispers, his voice low and rough, and his nose still buried deep in her hair. "Your reaction to things like this is why I love surprising you."
She swats at his chest half-heartedly and leans away to meet his eyes. "What does that mean?"
"All it means," he chuckles as he brushes a bit of her hair back and presses a kiss to her forehead. "Is that I simply love kissing you."
Emma cants her head to the side and smiles as she runs her hands up to rest on his chest. "I guess it's a good thing that I also love kissing you."
"Hmmm, indeed," he hums as he drops his arms from her waist, only to thread his fingers with hers as he begins pulling her towards the blanket. "Now shall we have lunch? Because our hike has left me famished."
They spend next couple of hours just enjoying each other, and too soon the sun is arching towards the ground, its light growing a warmer shade of orange even as the sky grows darker.
They should probably begin heading back to the car, but Emma's way to preoccupied with the way Killian hovers above her, pressing her into the woven blanket as he kisses her again.
She's too caught up in the warmth of the sunset in her hair and the fire of Killian's fingers at her ribcage to care about any encroaching darkness.
Killian leans over her as his lips take their time exploring the line of her jaw. And Emma's helpless to the way her eyes drift shut as she gets lost in the feel of it. "Thank you for today," she sighs, biting at her lip when Killian nips at her earlobe playfully.
He pulls away from her, but only slightly, his face still suspended inches from hers. He studies her for a moment, his eyes drinking her in just as much as his lips had been only moments ago.
"Have I told you I love you?" he whispers
Emma can't help but smile as she reaches up to run her fingers through his hair. "Not since this morning."
"Unforgivable." He shakes his head as though this is a grievous injustice. "I will tell you—"he kisses her forehead. "Every hour—" he kisses the tip of her nose. "Of every day." He kisses her lips again and Emma can feel the grin that spreads across his face. She pulls him closer, kissing him deeper until she pushes him back and rolls them over so she's resting atop his chest.
"You already do," she murmurs as she lingers against his lips. "Everything you do lets me know how much you love me."
He blinks at her as if awestruck and she feels heat rise to her cheeks. She's not usually one for pretty words but she surprises even herself sometimes.
Suddenly shy, Emma looks away, only to be pulled back to his gaze when she feels his thumb lightly press at the dimple in her chin.
"I love you, Emma Swan," he breathes, and the look in his eyes is complete tenderness and adoration.
And as her eyes lock with his, her breath catches as neither of them look away, and she swears the moment is as infinite as the space between the stars. She could live in it forever—never growing tired of watching the shades of blue in his eyes shift with the fading light.
It's hard to explain the way her heart seems to expand to consume the entirety of her chest, simultaneously stealing her breath and filling her with warmth. But Killian seems to sense it, his face softening into a smile right before he tugs her down and kisses her again.
Emma becomes aware of the brightness of her room well before she fully awakens and opens her eyes. But when her lids finally do flutter open, it's only for them to immediately squeeze shut as she groans and rolls over onto her stomach. Burrowing in her mountain of pillows and blankets is always a better answer than greeting the early hours of the morning.
She drifts off into some half-sleep land before her ever increasing stream of thoughts finally entices her to stay awake. And as she flips over onto her back and stares up at the whirling ceiling fan, the one thought that had kept her up for hours the night before whisks its way back into her mind.
Killian said he loves her.
Somehow she's known it for a while, has felt it for a while, but hearing him say it had been a near overwhelming, and yet somehow comforting, experience. It was as though something had finally clicked in place inside her, as if she'd finally made it home after weeks away.
It just felt…right.
He loves her.
Not only that, but he'd kissed her.
Her fingertips trace her lips, and she stares off a little dazed as she relives the way his lips had felt against hers. She'd imagined kissing him well over enough times in the past couple of weeks, but nothing could prepare her for the actuality of it.
A small, silly part of her had hoped that maybe kissing him would bring back all of her memories—like some curse-shattering fairytale, or romance movie kiss.
It hadn't, but she closes her eyes as she remembers just how wonderful the kiss had been, memory triggering or not.
A ridiculous grin stretches across her face as she pushes herself out of her bed and makes her way to the bathroom. Glancing in the mirror, she notes that her hair is as messy as it always is in the morning, but even she'll admit that her eyes look a little brighter and her cheeks a little rosier, and as she turns on the shower she has to bite her lip against an irrepressible giggle of happiness.
Her hair is still wet when she finally wanders out into the main area of the apartment, and though she's used to how quiet it is on mornings when Killian leaves early for work, she can't help but be disappointed when she sees his coffee mug already in the sink.
She stares at it for a solid ten seconds as doubt begins to wiggle its way into her thoughts, and even though she tries not to, she finds herself wondering if he regrets last night.
It didn't seem like he did—especially not after they got to the whole kissing part—but she knows he must have reasons to be cautious. After all, he'd admitted that he wasn't sure if she had loved him. And she knows her scarred and broken self well enough to figure she must have done something to make him feel that way.
She knows there's a whole history behind them, and though somedays she wishes he would tell her, part of her is scared to find out exactly what happened between them.
She'd told him the here and now is what she wants, and she meant it.
So with a sigh she tries to infuse positivity into her thoughts, telling herself that an early day at work really is the only reason she's not greeted by his sleep-mussed hair and lazy smiles.
But try as she might to distract herself, she spends the whole day thinking about him, and worrying about the fact that, for all intents and purposes, it looks like he's ran off.
Maybe it's the years of repeated abandonments that has her paranoid, but as the hours drag on; her anxiety begins to eat away at the happiness she'd woken up with, until hardly even a sliver of it remains.
So when her phone buzzes with a text from Elsa, it's with tangible relief that she reads it.
Elsa: Hey Emma! Do you have plans for the day? I was wondering if you wanted to grab lunch with me?
Emma releases a weary puff of air as her thumbs type away a response. Getting out of this apartment is exactly what she needs. Something needs to distract her from her treacherous thoughts.
Emma: I'd love to, where do you want to meet?
Elsa: I'll come pick you up. Say half an hour?
Emma smiles, already on her way to finish getting ready.
Emma: Sounds perfect.
She lets Elsa pick where they eat, and they end up going to a quaint little café where the stools are a little rickety and the paint a little chipped, but the music is soft and the natural light that streams through the floor to ceiling windows is serene.
It's a bustling little place, the constant flow of chairs being moved, orders being placed, and indistinguishable conversations keeps the place alive with an odd cacophony of sound. But it's not so loud that it impedes upon a private conversation.
Emma does her best to keep things lighthearted—but lighthearted isn't exactly her natural tendency when things are bothering her. Instinct has a way of throwing her walls up, and sullen and distant is probably a better way to describe her current state of being.
Elsa, as astute as she is, catches on immediately. She's been side eyeing Emma since the moment she hopped in the blonde's car.
But she doesn't pry—in fact they make it all the way to the café, and half way through their meal before Elsa even tries to bring it up.
"You seem…quiet," Elsa muses, folding her hands in her lap and eyeing Emma expectantly.
Emma sinks back against the cold steel of her chair and sighs, she figured she wouldn't be able to get out of this lunch without the conversation steering this way. But still, she waits a moment before responding, pursing her lips as she thinks about what to say.
"How much do you know about me and Killian?"
Elsa's eyes widen ever so slightly, taken aback by the abruptness of her question. "Not much…Liam and I only started dating a couple of months ago, and at the time you weren't…here." She hesitates, her fingers reaching up to play with the end of her braid before she continues. "I knew Killian was having a hard time with something, but I never knew what. I've asked Liam about…you and him…but he's stayed pretty mute on the whole thing. Always grumbling moodily about how it's Killian's business."
Elsa's eyes drop to the table in front of her as she finishes, as if she's aware the topic they're delving into may be sensitive.
Emma, on the other hand, drops her head dramatically into her hands and groans. None of Elsa's information is new to her, not really. Emma has deduced this much on her own.
She takes a minute to hide in her hands before she straightens up and combs her fingers through her hair. "I've only remembered bits and pieces of things, but from what I do remember Killian and I are together…or we were. Something happened though, and I'm pretty sure I disappeared, or ran off, or did something equally as stupid."
"How do you know it was you?" Elsa asks. "Maybe it was a mutual decision, or maybe it was Killian?"
Emma shakes her head. "It wasn't Killian."
"But if you don't remember—"
"I asked him, last night, if he loved me," Emma plays with her straw, avoiding Elsa's gaze. "He said he did, but when I asked him if I loved him he said he didn't know. More specifically he said there was a time he was certain I did…but not anymore."
Elsa's slender fingers are suddenly around hers and Emma looks up to find a sympathetic smile on her friend's lips. She exhales audibly before trying to smile back, only to scrunch her forehead and frown instead.
"Which just makes me even more confused because from what I do remember, I was pretty damned infatuated with him."
She's pretty sure she loved him, actually, but she's not quite ready to say that.
"And he's just so sad and hesitant …and I'm just broken enough to do something stupid like run out on a man who loved me. It's the only explanation I can think of that makes sense."
Elsa's eyebrow jumps up in slight surprise, but Emma sighs and continues before Elsa can express whatever it is she's thinking.
"I don't have any family. No parents, no…anything. I spent majority of my life alone, until I met this guy named Neal, and—" Emma inhales a shaky breath as water gathers in her eyes, and suddenly she's feels as though she's sharing too much. Her feelings have a way of crawling up her throat, and she chokes on the need to keep things to herself. "I guess you can say he messed me up pretty bad, and I've had a hard time… staying anywhere, or with anyone ever since."
"Oh Emma," Elsa breathes, squeezing her fingers.
Emma withdraws her hand, using it to wipe at her eyes as she shrugs and tries to laugh at herself to brush it off. "It's fine, really. But I just have this feeling that whatever happened between Killian and I, whatever separated us, was my mistake."
"Have you tried asking him?"
"Part of me is scared to," Emma admits. Though terrified is probably more accurate. She's worried she'll ruin something before she even gets a chance to experience it. "Besides, I figure I'll remember soon enough, and I just want to move on and not live in my past. I mean what if I never remember? How miserable is it to live my life based on a mistake I don't even remember making? And I know it's a bigger jump for Killian, but if he's ready..."
She trails of shrugging again. All she knows is that she's ready to surrender to whatever this is between them if he is.
"And what does Killian think of all this?"
Emma can't help the tiny smile on her lips. "Well we did kiss last night, but he wasn't here this morning so I don't really know."
Elsa hums before a smile starts to stretch across her face. "Have you ever considered that maybe Killian's trying not to push you further than you're willing to go?"
Emma's mouth falls open slightly as she gapes at Elsa trying to decipher what she means.
"Think about it," Elsa continues. "He told you he still loves you, but he's not sure if you love him. To me that sounds like someone who's already ready to go there with you."
"I think it's more complicated than that," Emma says shaking her head.
"Maybe it is," Elsa allows. "So maybe you just need to make it less complicated."
Emma scrunches her forehead. "What exactly are you suggesting?"
"I don't know," Elsa shrugs, her voice almost wistful, and Emma's pretty sure that beneath Elsa's quiet composure rests a hopeless romantic. "Maybe you just need to be the one to initiate things. Because Killian's a man that would wait forever if he thought you weren't ready."
Emma opens her mouth to respond, only to close it right away as she considers what Elsa's saying. And maybe she's on to something, maybe she needs to be the one to open the door so to speak.
And as she muses everything over, an idea begins to take root in her thoughts. Causing an excited smile to spread across her face as the happiness she'd felt earlier that morning returns.
"I need you to drive me to the docks."
-CS-
Killian leans back in his chair staring up at the wood panel ceiling of his office as he tries not to think of the fact that he'd given in and kissed Emma the night before.
He doesn't regret it, not really. In fact, he's done nothing but blissfully relive it since the minute he woke up. And now that he has kissed her again, he's not sure if he'll ever get the feel of her hair between his fingers, or the pull of her lips against his from out of his head.
He is frustrated with himself though, because even though he told Emma he loves her, he's still very far from telling her everything.
"Tell me, Jones, what is so bloody fascinating about the ceiling? You've been staring at it for nigh on thirty minutes."
Will's voice interrupts his thoughts, and Killian starts as he sits up in his chair and looks across the room at his business partner. Will Scarlet has this way of wiggling his eyebrows at him when he's waiting for an answer and it's nothing short of absolutely infuriating.
"Shove off, Will." Killian mumbles as he swivels in his chair and begins to boot up his laptop.
"Ah, it's Emma." Will nods as if everything suddenly makes sense.
Killian grumbles obscenities under his breath before he says louder, "Not everything has to do with Emma."
"Anything with you lately has to do with Emma," Will corrects. "Now tell me, what woes are we dealing with today?"
"Drop it, Scarlet," Killian warns through his teeth. It's days like today that he wonders why he puts up with the man.
"Maybe you should just kiss her; I think that would solve all your problems."
Killian's back muscles tighten, and he clenches his jaws just as he feels his skin heating up.
"You have kissed her!" Will spins in his chair as if he himself is responsible for this happy news.
Killian rubs his fingertips against his temple, trying to stave off the headache he knows is coming. "I'm serious, Will. If you don't leave it be I'm going to—"
A sudden knock cuts him off, and both men's attention whips to the door just as it creaks open. The light from outside pours in, and at first nothing but a dark silhouette is visible as the visitor steps inside.
But even before his eyes finish adjusting; Killian knows that it's Emma.
His insides jump a little in response to seeing her. He crossed a line he'd set for himself last night, but he wouldn't take it back. But if he thought he had a hard time keeping his emotions about her in check before, it's near impossible now that he's kissed her after months of trying to remember what her lips felt like.
It intensified things for him. Everything inside him is fresh, and raw, and entirely exposed. Especially now that she knows how he feels about her—how he's always felt about her.
He watches as her eyes drift around the room, landing briefly on Will before they shift and lock with his.
"Hey," she whispers in greeting.
He inhales as he collects himself a bit, trying his best to ignore the mocking googly-eyes Will is making behind Emma's back. "Hi."
"Can I talk to you for a second?" she asks, turning to look at Will who shoots her a grin that is nothing short of wolfish.
Nerves vibrate with a violent flurry in his stomach and he attempts to silence them as he answers. "Aye, of course. Maybe outside would be better?"
He pushes himself out of his chair and tries to keep his hand from shaking as he places it at her back and walks with her outside. An obvious whistle follows them out, and Killian wishes for all the world that he could kick Will in the shins.
He leads her around the corner of the small building, and both keep silent as they stand only inches from each other. Killian waits, wondering what she would want to talk about that would bring her all the way to the harbor. He could guess at a few things, and every answer reignites the nerves fluttering inside his stomach.
She looks anywhere but at him, bouncing on her toes as though she too is nervous.
He runs an encouraging hand down her arm and dips his head lower as he tries to get her to look at him. "What is it, love?"
She hesitates, licking her lips as she tucks her wind-blown hair behind her ears and finally lifts her gaze to meet his. "Well, I've been thinking about what you said last night and about…everything else." She swallows, looking out at the ocean for a brief second before returning her attention to him and all but blurting out the next bit. "And I'm here to ask you out."
Killian blinks, just a little dazed. Of everything she could have said, this was probably one of the last things he was expecting.
And maybe it was the kiss, or maybe it was the way she'd told him she wanted to focus on the here and now, but for once he doesn't feel the crippling fear that comes with trying to make the right choice.
All he can think about, as he soaks in the way her jade eyes gaze wide with anticipation and just a hint of fear, is how much he loves this woman.
And who is he to deny her, when she stands in front of him with a literal second chance held out to him with open palms.
Because maybe that is exactly what this is—for both of them.
A second chance.
And when he looks at it that way, he's helpless to the way his heart beats a little faster and his stomach begins to flip.
He reaches out, and when his fingers find hers, he pulls her closer until their foreheads bump together.
"One condition," he whispers. "You let me plan the evening."
He can feel her beaming as much as he can see it. Her happiness radiates out of her and seeps into his skin until it wraps itself in tight folds around his heart.
And bloody hell, he shouldn't be allowed to be this happy.
"Okay," she nods, biting her bottom lip as if it will somehow keep her smile from growing.
"Meet you at the apartment at six?"
She presses up on her toes and presses the lightest of kisses against his lips. "Don't be late."
