Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

I'm back yo and I got voice HC's and an excuse at the bottom that I ask everyone to read, please. Also, I'm sorry for this short chapter but I wanted to get something out after so long.


Renji is … talkative. And loud.

He's friendly, of course, but his outgoing nature is so out there that I find myself at a loss for how to treat him. He's one of our clients, so I can't just ignore him like I'd prefer, but …

I don't feel comfortable interacting with him. Or the other men for that matter.

Rukia and Momo are nice enough, though Momo hasn't said a word to any of us since we left; she just climbed into the caravan and hasn't come out since. She's probably a year younger than me if I had to guess, but whether I'm right or not is anyone's guess.

Souta has been discussing the various things he's read while we walk, with sensei taking the rear and the three of us taking the front and middle. I listen the best I can, despite the thought that none of what he's telling me is going to help.

"—what do you think?" He asks, after he finishes his explanation. "We can't try it until we take a break, but—it might work! Or … it might help, at least."

I kick up some dirt as we walk, staring up at the trees looming overhead. "I think … we should try," I agree. "But … Souta, I don't know. It might not work, and then it'll have just been a waste of your time."

He shakes his head. "Not a waste. Like I said, I want to help you. I know you're upset at yourself."

Upset with myself is a bit of an understatement.

"What if it doesn't work?" I ask wearily. Without food or sleep, I'm completely exhausted; we've only been walking for maybe an hour now and I'm already worn out. "What do we do then?"

"Then … we just keep trying." Souta fiddles with the hood of his coat. "You have to get it eventually."

"I … guess," I reply, biting back a yawn. "I hope."

Takumi throws his arm over my shoulders out of nowhere and I nearly elbow him in the side in surprise. "You're such a downer," he states. "I bet that's why you can't do it. 'Cuz you keep saying you can't."

I slip out of his hold. "Whatever."

Takumi looks over his shoulder at Madoka-sensei before turning back to me. "Hey … Nagisa, be honest for a second."

I incline my head in response. "You didn't sleep last night, did you?"

Souta sighs. "Takumi, you said you wouldn't—"

"I know what I said," Takumi mumbles. "But she looks exhausted." He turns back to me. "Did you even eat breakfast?"

I kick up some more dust. "… No," I admit. "I didn't."

"Eat breakfast or sleep?"

"No," I repeat. Takumi groans.

"Remember what they told us in the academy?" Souta starts. "Shinobi need to eat more than civilians. But you eat like a civilian, right?"

I shrug. "I just eat how much I want."

"Maybe it's not enough?" Souta suggests. "Then again … you can do the academy jutsu fine. But those do take less chakra …"

I snap, "It's not that."

Souta frowns. "But it could—"

"It's not!" Souta jumps in surprise, his eyes widening. "Just … let it go. It has nothing to do with my eating habits."

Souta looks over at Takumi, who looks away in frustration. I press my hands to my eyes, trying to rub away the exhaustion. When it doesn't work I resort to my chakra and slowly, but surely, the exhaustion begins to disappear, leaving me with more than enough energy to keep going.

Without anything else to talk about, the three of us end up talking about the food contest and what kinds of things will be there; according to Rukia, there are four courses.

"Since Hokage-sama said we could enter, we're all gonna, right?" Takumi asks. "I bet I'll make it the furthest."

"I bet we'll all fail the first round," I add. "It's a contest. The portions will be huge."

Souta sighs. "I wonder if there's a gyoza round …"

"Well, then you'd both advance." I take a drink of water, blinking a few times. "But I bet there won't be, because the gyoza would get cold and not taste as good."

Souta nods. "Yeah … but I can always hope."

Takumi turns, searching for someone, and then—"Hey—Renji-san!" Said person turns at his call, and Takumi beckons him over.

"What is it?"

Takumi asks, "D'ya know what the rounds for the food contest are?"

Renji hums, bringing a hand to his chin. "Well, there are five rounds … four of them are always the same, while the fifth is what we're bringing ingredients for."

"So? What are they?"

"Manju, ramen, sushi, and yakiniku. Then the final one is a surprise."

Takumi blinks. "Is it gyoza?"

"A surprise is a surprise!" Renji retorts, laughing a bit. "You'll just have to enter to find out."

Takumi huffs, but doesn't press for anymore information. Renji returns to where he was walking with the rest of his men, chatting about something that I don't bother to listen to, and I hear Takumi grumble something under his breath.

"If it makes you feel any better," I start, having to hide my grin, "I doubt it's gyoza."

"Huh? Why would that make me feel any better?" he whines. "I want to eat as much gyoza as allowed!"

Souta giggles a bit. "Takumi, didn't you hear? It's the final one. Which means if you wanna eat it, you have to finish all the previous four courses."

Takumi gapes for a second before his mouth snaps shut. Souta pats his shoulder. "But, there has to be a good restaurant that has gyoza. … Right?"

I shrug. "You two can have your gyoza eating contest by yourself … I'll just watch."

And bet.

"I bet I'll eat more than you!" Takumi states, as expected, jabbing Souta in the shoulder. "I'll bet 5,000 ryo on it."

Souta rolls his eyes, but laughs. "Fine—I bet 5,000 that I'll win!"

"Does that mean I get to collect either way?" I joke. Takumi slaps my shoulder and I stumble in surprise, my foot catching over a rock suddenly—and while I'm able to right myself before falling, it's still a bit embarrassing. I check to make sure that none of the civilians saw.

Takumi blinks, looking surprised. "I … did I hit you that hard?" he questions, somewhat unsure. He looks over his shoulder as well. Only Madoka-sensei would've seen, which is … really, really embarrassing to be honest. I'm supposed to be more on guard than that. "Sorry."

"It was a rock," I reply. "It got in the way."

Souta tilts his head. "But it was there first."

"It got in the way."

Souta hesitates, pausing in his step, and I see him remove his bag and open it up. Suddenly, a ration bar is shoved in my face—and I blink.

"I … don't need this," I say slowly, pushing it back towards him. "I'm fine."

Souta's gaze becomes firmer. "When did you eat last?"

I pause.

Yesterday morning, my mind supplies. Immediately I know I can't respond with that, but I must take too long because Souta shoves it back more insistently this time. "It has to have been at least since lunch, right?"

"We didn't eat lunch," I mumble, continuing to walk, only to wince. I just gave it away.

Souta's eyes widen as he trails after me. "Then … breakfast?" He guesses. "Come on, just eat it … what if we run into bandits or something? You won't be able to fight."

"I'll fight just fine," I argue, but it's weak. "Souta, c'mon … just let it go."

He exchanges a look with Takumi, who looks knowing—and a rush of anger floods me.

Have they been talking about me?

"Just eat it?" Souta tries again. "Please. We're gonna practice the genjutsu when we stop, too … so just—just eat some?"

I avert my eyes to the road, continuing to walk and saying nothing. There's a brief silence between the three of us, only for it to be broken when Takumi speaks.

"I'll tell Madoka-sensei if you don't."

I whip around, eyes wide—and although Takumi looks unsure his words are firm. I grit my teeth, the anger growing, building inside of me.

Why are they betraying me like this?

I snatch the ration bar from Souta's hand wordlessly, ripping the thing open and snapping one of the cubes off. It crumbles around my grip, but I wordlessly seal the thing back up and return it to Souta after shoving the cube I pulled off into my mouth.

My hands are shaking and I can hear my heart pounding in anger, in hurt …

They betrayed me.

I don't cry, but my throat definitely gets tight at the thought. My mouth is dry from the ration bar itself.

Neither of them talk to me and I don't bother saying a word to them.


When we settle down for a break, Souta removes the ration bar once again and hands it back to me. It's been nearly an hour since Takumi blackmailed me into eating, and I don't bother resisting this time, instead breaking off two more pieces and choking them down. I follow it with water, and by the time it's all said and done both of them look far less on edge.

As much as I hate to exist it, even a single piece of the ration bar had helped tremendously with my energy. These following two are going to make even more of a difference in my stamina, and much to my frustration I can practically see the "I told you so" in my friend's eyes. "So?" Souta prompts expectantly, eating his own share and passing it on to Takumi once he's done. Considering it's just a small break, there's no need to go cooking up anything, and although the caravan was kind enough to offer the four of us something to eat we all declined. Shinobi are expected to take care of themselves; not rely on the civilians, and although it's more of an unspoken rule it's a lot easier to rely on our own rations when it isn't meal time.

"So what?" I grumble, not wanting to admit that they'd been right. It's petty, but it was just so easy to fall back into the habits of my old life, as far away as it is.

"So, do you feel any better?" Souta's completely nonplussed and patient. "After having something to eat?"

I squeeze my hands into fists, focusing on the chakra running through my veins. Although it's long since become background noise, finding it is nothing hard. It's still foreign, no matter how much I get used to the feeling, and sure enough it flows more fluidly than the sluggish pace it'd been moving at before. "Fine," I begrudgingly admit, "you were right. Happy?"

Takumi pats my shoulder reassuringly and I huff. "So Souta said you guys were gonna try the stuff he read. Mind if I help, too?"

I blink, looking over at Souta who nods, and turn back to Takumi. "Sure—but you better not go showing off. We both know you're the best at it." For the first time since we left, I don't feel so frustrated, even if their betrayal is still fresh in mind.

Takumi grins mischievously, his eyes gleaming. "Got it, Nagicchi."

Souta speaks before an inevitable war can break out between us, though he's sporting an obvious grin. "Okay, okay—so, the way the book went about it was like this …"

His explanation isn't long, taking no more than a few minutes due to all the different books he's quoting information from, and once that's done and over with we begins the demonstration. I watch carefully, doubt still curled in my stomach, and once he's done drop my head a bit. "Are … you sure that's actually going to work? It seemed more like something that's meant to mess with genin." Although the library is only filled with legitimate information and documents, actually shinobi aren't bound to such a thing.

Souta nods. "Just try it? Even if it doesn't work, it'll … it'll at least be something we can cross off the list."

I sigh, but agree regardless, settling myself down on the road and stretching my fingers. It's just to kill time, which both Souta and Takumi have to notice, but they let me do it. Finally, after another sigh, I let my eyes slip shut and begin to meditate. It's a bit shaky at the start, but after two weeks the fear has died down to something so minuscule that I can ignore it.

The softness comes immediately, draping over me like a blanket and soothing all my nerves. I feel myself sink deeper into the calmness, my breaths becoming slower and deeper as the tumultuous thoughts sort themselves into neat boxes, and finally I reach for the chakra I can feel in my body; it flows smoothly, having temporarily recovered from the exhaustion thanks to the ration bars, and when I brush up against it it jolts. I feel it shift, redirecting itself around me, and reach out again without hesitation.

It flows through the cracks, dripping down and around until its falling back where it came from and leaving a sharp tingle in the spots it touched. You control this. You are in control of your chakra; you can dictate where it goes, what it does—but you must connect with it. Show it you are nothing harmful, that you can be trusted.

You can trust me.

You can trust me.

It swells in my chest before bursting, scattering through the rest of my body, and when it finally settles I feel it vibrating, as if it were alive.

Protect me. Keep it away from me, please. Keep it away. Please don't let it take me away and make me forget.

I snap my eyes open and gasp.

Souta and Takumi are there immediately, hovering like a mother hen, and I quickly wave them away. I can still feel it there, stronger than ever, but this time it feels … different. Almost safe, if something incorporeal could be described as so. "I-I'm okay," I reassure quickly, breathing through the weight. It feels good. Safe. "How do I know if it worked?"

"Try the genjutsu?" Takumi guesses, shrugging. "I'll be the test dummy—don't want Souta to get caught up in a botched genjutsu." He grins at the boy, who simply crosses his arms with a pout. "Alright—c'mon! Do it already!"

I swallow, feeling my nerves return just as strongly, but mold my hands into the hand seals. "Magen: Narakumi no Jutsu!"

There's nothing and I'm horrified; did I make it worse with that attempt? Trying this … attempt; did it wipe away all the progress I managed over the last two weeks?

I'm on the verge of tears, my teeth grit so hard I can feel the grinding together, only to see Takumi stumble. His eyes widen, and he quickly snaps, "Kai!" and all my fears fly away, replaced by relief. It wasn't all gone—it was still there. I did it.

Takumi takes a moment to breathe, only to break out into a grin and launch himself at me. I squeak when he drags me into a tight hug, swinging in a circle before letting go. "You did it!" Souta looks just as excited, and he quickly joins the two of us so he can take my hands.

"See? It worked! This is the one that worked!"

I'm grinning too, and a relieved laugh escapes my throat. "I—but how? I didn't do anything different this time, yet it worked on the first try." As giddy as I am, my torso is still fluttering with the chakra. It's so much more potent now; although I know it's distributed through the rest of my body, it just feels … alive, in there. Not in the way it's always been, but stronger. Sentient.

It's impossible, but that's how it feels.

"We have to tell Madoka-sensei—aghh!" Takumi grunts when I snatch his collar to stop him, his hands clawing at the fabric pressed up against his throat. "What was that for!?"

I frown, releasing his shirt so I can position myself between him and sensei. "Not yet—if we show up, after only …" I glance up at the sun, squinting against the bright rays, "what, like forty five minutes, and announce I suddenly figured out how to cast the jutsu when all I've been able to accomplish is a basic grasp of it?"

Takumi pauses before he reluctantly sighs. "I guess you're right … but she'll just gonna keep us workin' on it, right? Even though we're on a mission, I doubt sensei is going to just let you off the hook on it, and then what? You pretend to fail?"

My mouth goes dry at that. The thought of purposely failing at something is just—just sickening. At the rate I'm going, I know I've been holding back my team, and if I purposely mess up, it'll only get worse. "I … I can't do that."

"Well, then you've either gotta suck it up and tell her, or try lying to her." Takumi pauses, shuddering, before all but whispering, "And we both know what happened the last time we lied."

I grimace. That hadn't been a pretty situation at all; Madoka-sensei has a knack for knowing when we're messing around with our D-ranks and, while she usually lets it go, there was one particular incident where she'd refused—and Takumi lied to her face about it. The worst part of it all, she didn't lash out or yell; no, it was the expression that came to her face.

Never before have I seen someone display that volatile of an emotion without their expression coming to match it. I rub my bicep at the memory. Madoka-sensei's expression had barely changed, and her tone had stayed the same calm and even one it usually was, but there was just … something that tipped us all off to how she actually felt.

The brutal training session we'd gone through after returning from the mission helped solidify that even more.

"I just …" I sigh. "I don't want her to be suspicious, and I don't—I don't know. It might have just been a fluke." Despite my words, something deep inside me tells me that it wasn't. It hadn't been a fluke, or a mistake, or a lucky shot; it was a legitimate, successful attempt. No matter how I try to argue otherwise, it won't let up on that belief.

Souta nods. "Then try it again, on me this time. If it works again, without any problems, then we can definitely rule it out as a fluke." He stands up, taking my hand and offering a sincere smile. "And then we can let Madoka-sensei know."

I sigh, but reluctantly agree. We sit across from each other, with Takumi leaning back lazily against Souta's side, and reach for the static in my stomach before casting the genjutsu.

I hold my breath, watching Souta carefully, and his face twists into a grimace before he manages an uncomfortable, "Kai!" to dispel it. He takes a second to catch his breath, though I can't for the life of me figure out why, before he laughs, clapping his hands together in excitement. "It worked! See? It's wasn't a fluke, Nagisa!"

The relief that pours through me is incomparable to anything else. Whatever that technique Souta had found was, it worked. It allowed me to finish the genjutsu in almost record time—at least, with my track record. It still look a considerable amount of time to do, considering the static and how it swirled around, but it was something.

"So now can we tell Madoka-sense?" Takumi requests impatiently. "It's not a fluke."

I hesitate, considering the option. Something tells me not to, that it's a bad idea—and although I try to ignore it, it's too strong. "How about when we get to Ko no Kuni?" I propose instead. "That's enough time, and if we keep this up I can pass it off."

Takumi hums. "Hmm … Souta, what'd you think?"

"I think Nagisa is right," Souta replies. "Madoka-sensei would definitely be confused about how Nagisa figured out something that was scaring her so badly in less than an hour. Plus …" he trails off, before shaking his head. "Never mind. But I really think it'd be better to wait."

I grin, leaning forward so I can pat his knee. "See? Souta gets it. So just be patient already."

Takumi groans in defeat.

As we're preparing to continue Souta pulls me aside, a conflicted expression on his face. "Souta? What's wrong?" I question, frowning in concern. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine. It's just …" he chews on his lip, looking around the temporary break site we'd made, before dropping his gaze to his feet. "Can you … not tell Madoka-sensei about the books I found?"

I furrow my brow. "The books—you mean the ones you found to help me?" He nods, and I shrug. "Sure, I guess … why though?"

Souta shakes his head, raising his head so he can meet my eyes, and I'm surprised by the desperation I see. "It's just—ah …" he blinks a few times and for a second, I'm worried he's going to start crying. "I didn't really get them from the library."

"Huh?" I'm the one who's blinking, this time. "Wait, where did you get them from, then?"

"… My sponsor. I have to meet with him every week, since he's the one who got me into the academy early, and when I talked to him about your problem he gave me these books. But—well, he said I couldn't tell anyone they were from him." He looks at me desperately, and to my horror I find there's fear in his expression. "Please, Nagisa-chan—please don't tell Madoka-sensei. I don't want him to get in trouble, and—"

I lay a hand on his shoulder. "Relax, Souta; I won't tell her, okay? I promise. I'll just say we were meditating and trying out stupid ideas."

Souta sighs in relief. "Thanks, Nagisa."


The rest of the day goes by smoothly and as the thick forest begins to recede and open up, Renji informs us that we'll be approaching the bridge linking the forest to flatland. I can't help but feel a bit uncomfortable with that information; Konoha is surrounded by thick, large trees, and as a result our taijutsu style is built around that. The flatland terrain makes hiding impossible; not only is there nowhere to go if you're spotted, but you can be seen approaching from an incredibly far distance. Granted, it's only a C-rank, but I can't help but feel nervous.

We camp out a bit away from the bridge, where the treeline is still thick enough to provide adequate cover if needed, and Rukia and Momo go about preparing dinner. They're making some kind of stew and as the smell of herbs and aromatics fills the air I feel my stomach grumble quietly. I press the palm of my hand flat against it, urging it to be quiet. Letting anyone else hear it growl would be embarrassing and just prove my friends' point.

Madoka-sensei takes a seat beside me and I stiffen, straightening myself up from my relaxed posture only for her to wave dismissively. "There is no need for that, Nagisa. You are free to relax as you wish." I stare at her for a moment longer before settling back down, though tenser than before. "I noticed you were working with Takumi and Souta during the breaks; have you made any progress?"

I study her expression, finding nothing dangerous or prying, but it doesn't sooth my nerves a bit. Madoka-sensei knows what she's doing and while I may have fooled her weeks ago, when she asked me about the genjutsu, I doubt I could do it again; plus, I have Souta's secret to keep. "Yeah … we tried mediating, and stuff, but it was the same as usual." I cross my arms over my chest, sinking lower in my spot. "And then we just tried out some ideas we'd thought of, but it didn't work either."

"… I see." She stares up at the stars and I follow her gaze. It's a beautiful night out, the stars far more visible outside Konoha's bright lights. Although this world isn't filled with pollution like Earth, seeing the stars when the village is lit up with lamp posts and the red light district all night is significantly more difficult. "Have you given more thought to my offer?"

My mood sours instantly. "No. I don't … I don't want to see it again. I can't." She turns to look at me.

"Nagisa, you're more than capable of dispelling a genjutsu. I've seen you do so with Takumi and Souta; what about the situations makes you fear doing it with me?" I swear I hear a hint of confusion in her voice, but it's gone so quickly I can't help but wonder if I imagined it. "If it is due to your first experience, there is no need to be afraid. You've figured out what your fear is, and have been more than successful with dispelling it on your own."

"It's—it's not that," I begrudgingly admit, "it's not."

Madoka inclines her head, saying nothing but prompting me to continue, and I squeeze my hands together in hopes of dispelling the nerves in my stomach. "It's just … you're stronger—you're a jonin. What if you cast it, and it's too strong, and I can't get out?

"That will not happen." Her voice is firm and it draws my eyes to her. "Listen to me, Nagisa. Fear is justified, and every shinobi will have a point where their fear feels unbearable. However," and it's a big however if her tone is anything to go by, "when you allow it to hold you back, you can no longer succeed."

I blink rapidly. Is that—no. No. It's not a threat, is it? If I fail, if I'm a dead weight to my team—

I'll have no point in being here.

My breath catches in my throat, constricting my lungs and stopping the air from coming in, and I practically feel myself pale. Madoka disappears, not even a thought anymore—all that matters is failure.

I can't fail. I can't fail or else I'll be left behind. I'll be useless again, a dead weight to my friends and team. My brother will be ashamed, Madoka-sensei will realize there was no point in training me, and—and—

Chakra floods my body but, unlike the genjutsu we've been practicing, it produces no whiteness. In fact, around me nothing changes; when I look up I see sensei there, a strained look in her eyes. I feel my heart rate begin to slow, my breathing even out, my shaking stop. The terror falls back, subdued for the time being but ready to pounce at any moment, and slowly the chakra pulls back. I half expect everything to flood right back in, to fill the gap, but it doesn't.

"I apologize," she says softly, and I blink. My eyes are blurry from tears that didn't have enough time to fall and I quickly wipe them away. "I had no intentions of producing such a strong reaction, and it appears you have misinterpreted my words." Again. "Regardless of whether you can learn the Narakumi no Jutsu, you will not be removed from the team over something so small. I do not have any intentions of removing you at all."

I nod, too worried about my voice cracking to risk speaking, and am startled when a gloved hand comes to rest on the crown of my head. It doesn't move, doesn't run through the strands or pull, but just rests there. "My intended meaning was this: if you allow this fear of yours to control and dictate your actions, you will not make it far in life, much less as a shinobi. That fear will bleed into everything, regardless of whether it's related or not—and that is when you lose your ability to succeed."

"So—I just can't let that happen. Right?" It's one of the longer conversations I've held with Madoka-sensei where I haven't been completely weighed down with dread; in fact, for whatever reason, I can't help but feel calm in her presence. Whether it's her words, or the gentleness she's been showing, I'm not sure. "I just can't let it get hold."

Sensei smiles lightly, letting her hand fall away from my head. "That's correct. But fear is not an easy emotion to control. It requires constant vigilance and uptake." Can you do that? Are you capable of doing this?

I swallow hard, clenching my hands tighter, before nodding. "I can do it."

Her smile widens, just a tad. "Good."


Voice claims for each character: note, the voice actors I mention are all the Japanese ones, not the English dub voices. Souta's voice when I write him is in Laphicet's voice from Tales of Berseria, Madoka's is Motoko from Ghost in the Shell: Arise specifically (same voice actor as Lightning from Final Fantasy 13) or A2 from Nier Automata … I actually can't decide between the two voices, Nagisa is Lumina from Lightning Returns, and Takumi is (young) Mithos from Tales of Symphonia.

A/N: Ayy it's been awhile, over a year now good God … I am so, so sorry for the radio silence with this story. I keep my profile updated (once a month) but I doubt people go there to check. I fell into a really dark place after the last chapter was posted, and on top of that I was stuck on where to go from there. This chapter was a real struggle to write because of not only that, but also as I've almost entirely forgotten how to write Nagisa. I'm trying to get my footing again with ALL of the characters, but I made the mistake of starting too many stories with characters that have a completely different voices than her. I love this story and I have so many plans laid out for future chapters (soon and far) so for anyone who feared or may fear in the future that this story was abandoned, I promise it isn't. If it was, I would put up a chapter saying so.

On top of that, for those who still worry, I update my profile monthly on how the progress is going, and I've decided to start dating those updates so that there's no mix up. I want to write everything, in fact I just want to jump to the dramatic and painful (story wise) parts! But I have to build up to that, which is a struggle at the moment.

Now that this chapter is finally done with, I'm hoping I can move on with updates quicker. I won't offer a schedule, because whenever I do that I inevitable fail, but all I can say is: I will do my best.

So for those of you who are still reading, and who have left so many reviews, favorites, follows, thank you so much. It means so much to me and getting a review about how my story is enjoyable to people, or how they look forward to an update, helps me a lot when I'm doing poorly (which is fairly often, honestly). Often I fall into this idea that people hate my writing and there's no point in continuing, so seeing comments that tell me the opposite just helps so much. So thank you.

Please look forward to the next chapter, and please let me know what you thought. And thank you for sticking with me through all this.