Commentator: LADIES & GENTLEMEN, ALIENS & PANDIMENSIONAL BEINGS OF ALL PARRALEL UNIVERSES, WELCOME TO THE UNNAMED PODRACE!
Crowd: *cheers*
Commentator: And so in this unnamed pod race we have a heap of useless competitors & the guy who always wins so no one in their right mind would ever bet against him…
Padme: *cough*
Qui-gon: What?
Padme: Actually he's right.
Qui-gon: Huh?
Padme: I rest my case.
Qui-gon: Okaaaaay…
Commentator: And also a local slave boy.
Crowd member #6748395: YOU SUCK ANAKIN!
Qui-gon: What's that about?
Anakin: Oh, I owe him money.
Qui-gon: But you're a slave, who would lend you money?
Anakin: Weeeeeell he didn't exactly 'lend' me the money.
Qui-gon: Oh great…
Narrator: And so, as our juvenile delinquent lines up for the start of the pod race gunning his engine, it suddenly becomes apparent how he managed to build this insanely fast pod with no money or possessions to call his own.
Anakin: You know it's not my fault I'm a slave, & so you can't blame me for having never gone to school.
Narrator: Then how did you know how to build a pod racer?
Anakin: Okay, fine, so maybe I didn't exactly 'build' the original one, but I reassembled it okay.
Narrator: Wait….reassembled?
Anakin: Well they tend to notice if you nick the whole pod at once.
C3PO: Oh dear.
Anakin: Same goes for droids.
Narrator: *glares at author*
Author: Hey, what can I say? Budget cuts again.
Narrator: How can there be budget cuts already if you never had a budget in the first place?
Author: JUST SHUT UP AND READ THE STORY ALREADY!
Narrator: Ok ok ok. Ahem, and so the grid was cleared, the engines were fired up, the race was about to begin….
Jar-jar: Disa gonna be messy, me no watchin!
Jabba: *bites head off rodent & spits it into a gong*
Sound man: GONG!
Commentator: And they're off! Narrator:
Anakin: Oops, ummm, maybe this will work. *pulls random lever*
Commentator: And there goes Skywalker! What a stupid name! He will be hard pressed to catch anyone from here, unless of course that's the latest pod released. And it could be, seeing as one of them was reported stolen lately, but since this is a planet full of thieves and pillagers, we're all okay with that.
Narrator: And so our young hero/villain races off after the others in his stolen pod racer. Meanwhile, in the lead, Sebulba was busy raining havoc down on everyone who was chasing him.
Sebulba: *throws grenade* Mwaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaa
Podracer#2: AAAAAAAH!
Sound guy: KA-BOOM!
Podracer #2 *dies*
Narrator: And Sebulba heads through the tunnel, followed closely by another pod racer who in turn is followed by others and so on and so forth….wow this is really boring.
Author: WHAT THE HECK! THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE BOOK! DON'T YOU REALISE THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS EVER SINCE WE LANDED ON TATOOINE!
Narrator: You do realize no one reads these things anyway.
Author: JUST SHUT UP! And please….please TRY to make it interesting…..
Narrator: Okay, fine. And so as Sebulba leads through a canyon, a group of Tusken Raiders appear brandishing advanced alien sniper rifles, and with all the precision of a headless chicken on steroids, they proceed to pound a desert rat to pieces as the races shoot buy.
Author: THEY MISSED?
Narrator: Well, yeah…
Author: How the heck could they miss? Their sniper rifles calculate everything, even the colour of their target's underwear! How can they miss?
Narrator: Look, they're gonna shoot at Anakin later right?
Author: Well, yeah, but….
Narrator: So they have to be able to miss.
Author: True… but….
Narrator: OKAY, and as Anakin comes shooting around, they finally manage to hit something, namely a small bird carrying a space disease which would have wiped out half the universe and rendered the other half blind and chronically constipated, but their shots disintegrated it, so that little problem was solved.
Author: Okaaaaaaaaaaay
Commentator: And so, at the start of the second lap, Sebulba is in the lead, followed closely by a few others who are insignificant, with young Anakin skywalker coming up behind them in that awesomely sick pod.
Anakin's pod: *pukes*
Author: WHAT THE [censored] JUST [censored] HAPPENED TO THAT [censored] [censored] [censored] POD YOU [censored] [censored] [censored] EXCUSE FOR A [censored] [censored] [censored] NARRATOR?
Narrator: I blame the commentator.
Commentator: I blame the sun, we should kill it.
Narrator: How do you kill the sun?
Author: *groans* Just end the chapter.
Narrator: And so, as Anakin's extremely ill pod catches up with the leading pack, and the radioactive sky glows green above them, the fate of the universe, and not to mention Battlefront II hangs in the balance.
