Rise and Shine
In the middle of the night, I feel perfect. The bed is perfectly welcoming, and the more I press my body against it- the more secure I feel. In fact the more I move the more it feels like it is holding me. Like someone's lips are pressed to my neck. Their heart against my back.
This feeling, I won't forget.
I'm falling.
I'm asleep once more.
II
32 days before
I wake with the sun. I cannot see her, but I know she is there, I feel it in my bones and the cracks of my lips as they beg for water. The hazy warmth from the night before has dimmed down to a mere flicker. The bed is nowhere near as comfortable now as I thought it was.
I reach for the glass of water on the nightstand, left not long ago too as its ice cold, the chilly steam has spread around the glass, leaving my fingerprints imprinted on it.
I started to remember. What he did last night left me livid, I marched into his room and waited, practically frothing at the mouth with verbal poison. I have never been so furious, so devastated...or excited. I wanted to fight him, see his neck turn red in anger, I wanted for a release of everything inside from that day. I wanted to fuck him senseless. I waited for hours, I remember suddenly standing up, completely exhausted and the next thing I saw was the plush carpet. I had fainted.
I find my jeans neatly folded on the leather chair, I pause, he was here, he was here with me. He took me to bed. He undressed me, he folded my clothes. He left me a glass of water. Was this forgiveness?
I think of calling his name, but it still tastes bitter on my tongue.
Where was Gale? Then I remember Clove, I entirely forgot about her, I just left her. I hope she found her way back.
Suddenly, as I pull on my clothes I start to hear muffled arguing behind the door.
There was a high pitched voice and deep slow mumble I could barely make out.
"…not fair on either of you." said the high pitched voice.
"I can't. " came a much deeper one, strangely familiar.
"You need too! You have too! Because this isn't a game, when you're in the games do you really think they won't check on you? Look at your background, your activities, everything! They will find out, and when they find this huge secret you've been harbouring, do you know what they'll do? Do you?! They will let everyone know, it will be ten times worse than you just saying it face-to-face, are you listening to me? Cato!" Cato, Cato, Cato!?
What was he doing here? How does he know about this place? I bet he knew all along.
"And what if you die? Not knowing? I know you, I saw you, how you touched her in there. Admit it to yourself, don't deny it, you might just die in the ga-"he cuts her off and shouts
"Stop it! Just shut up Clove...besides...if I die, you will win...no, trust me you will. Promise me you will win if I don't and that you'll always keep this a secret."
"Why won't you just tel-"
"Promise me!"
There's a long pause before she answers.
"I promise...but what about your mother? Don't you think she deserves the truth?"
There was a long, long pause.
Something was making me sad, I wanted to cry, strangely.
I haven't thought of what happened at his party for a while, I couldn't keep up with what has happened and what I feel, everything is moving too quickly, I feel so raw and used, I don't think I could face him alone again.
As I lift my second boot my grasp on it slips and the loud sound resonates throughout the stillness of the room–alerting them outside.
The door receives a light knock.
Clove enters first. "Mind if we come in?" She says, half way into the room, not even expecting an answer. Cato is still outside, Clove flashes him a worrying look. I decide to act as if I haven't eavesdropped; it wasn't any of my business anyway.
"Who is it?" I pretend.
Cato emerges behind the door, looking a mix between anxiety and exhaustion. "Did you sleep we–"Clove cuts him off abruptly.
"I led him here this morning, thought he should know about this place. You know? It's pretty cool, strange I never heard about it." she answers for him.
"Yeah, the capitol wouldn't like to know that District 2 has a dirty little secret now would they?" I joke, half-heartedly. But somehow it comes out sounding bitter. Clove and Cato share a look between each other. Clove glares at me. Finally things seem to be going back to normal!
"Do any of you know happen to know where Gale is?" I ask. Cloves shoulders tense, Cato scowls. I cannot begin to fathom why Gale has gotten them both so riled up.
A feeling of pleasure at his displeasure runs through me. I feel like he is constantly holding back from me, he keeps playing with me, like a toy. I end up feeling lost, dejected and used up. He acts so arrogant, yet so clueless when it becomes too real. I'm already tired, and I am barely awake.
Clove shrugs. "What about the man in the mask?" they both notably tense up even more. Frustration bubbles in the pit of my stomach.
"I think I saw him down stairs somewhere." Clove suggests. Cato throws her a curious look. I sigh in relief and exhaustion, scowling at the fact I have to walk all the way down the steps. Not being in the harsh enduring conditions of District 12 has made me superficially lazy.
They stay rooted to the spot, and as I make my way to the stairs out of earshot I can see Clove shouting something at Cato as he scurries around the room. Should I tell Ares that he's probably getting robbed of all his fine silk?
Nah.
I checked each room, tunnel on the ground floor. No sign of Gale, no sign of Ares, or anyone else for that matter. Why would Cato lie to me? Did he want something some privacy with Clove? Why didn't he just ask me!
I head back up, trying to clear my head, thinking I should have stayed in bed.
whatever
