Po, the Harem Master
Part 11: Po and the Day of the Scorpion
by Neoraichu
Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"
WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
…
Viper's unexpected confession of love did catch Po by surprise. He stayed awake for a while while she had curled up and fell asleep on his stomach. She looked so peaceful once she had told Po how she had really felt about him. It was more the kiss that took him by surprise. The fact Viper was a snake didn't even really matter that much. The sudden kiss from Tigress outside Fenghuang's room was just as surprising to him in addition to her questioning whether he could love her back or not. The aggressive kiss from Fenghuang was also completely surprising to him. Just about any passionate kiss from a lady took him aback.
But he soon fell asleep until Scorpion woke him up in the morning to remind him that it was time to make breakfast. It took a few minutes for him to wake up, and Viper had awakened long before Po managed to. She slithered off the bed in order to not be in his way, and then paused at the door to say, "I'll see you at breakfast. My hope is that you're not... mad at me for last night. I hope that you can love me back."
Po waved to Viper as she left, yawning as he continued to wake up. He got up and set off for the kitchen to make some of his famous sticky buns. While he was walking, he was hardly even aware that Scorpion was even following him. She scrabbled up onto the counter and waited until he noticed her by the fact she was in his way.
When he did notice, she asked him, "Po? Could you do me a small favor?"
"What's that?" he asked.
"I need to go to a... dangerous part of the bamboo forest in order to collect some rare herbs and materials for my medicines. Perhaps you could help me collect them?"
"Oh, I'm sure I can. I just have to let Tigress know so she can reschedule any training she had planned for today."
"You're the best," she purred, "I'm so glad we're friends now."
"Well, friends do stuff for each other."
She nodded. He set about to making the sticky buns as she scrabbled to another corner of the counter where she would be out of the way, but still close enough to help with the preparation of the food.
Viper crawled in looking fresh and clean, her scales glistening in the light coming through the windows. It appeared like she had just bathed. "Good morning, Dragon Warrior," she said happily.
"Good morning Viper," he said back.
Soon, Tigress and Monkey came in, Monkey sniffing the air as he checked on what Po was making.
"Hey Tigress," he said, "I promised Scorpion that I'd help her collect rare herbs and ingredients from a dangerous part of the bamboo forest."
"I guess we can put off training until tomorrow," she replied, "but then we must go back to it. I'll have to make the training harder to make up for the lost time today."
"I understand," he replied.
"Thank you, Tigress," said Quiong Qi, "This means a lot to me."
Tigress nodded as they sat down at the table. Soon, Crane, Mantis and Fenghuang were coming in for breakfast as well. They all sat the the table, making it feel just a little more crowded. But they did manage to settle down and be comfortable sitting around each other.
"Po, darling," cooed Fenghuang, "I hate to impose, but it's hard for me to use my feet at this table. Could I... Might you... uh..."
"Feed you?" asked Po helpfully.
"If it's not a bother," she said shyly was a little blush in her cheeks.
"Of course it's not," he said with a smile.
'Man is she playing this up,' thought Tigress, 'I can't believe she's so shameless. I mean, "darling"? Does she seriously think she's fooling anyone?'
After serving everyone up, he stood by the owl and used his chopsticks to hand feed her even before he took one bite of the food he had prepared. Each piece was put into her gaping beak, and then he just patiently waited until she was opening her beak for the next bite. She even felt confident enough to close her eyes while she waited. It almost seemed like she wanted to show off her shiny blue eye shadow to Po's gazing eyes.
'I suppose he would do the same for me if my arms were broken,' she thought as she mentally sighed, 'but I would never exploit his generosity like that.'
"Tigress?" asked Viper, "Maybe I should go along and help escort Scorpion as well."
"Oh," said Scorpion, "I'm sure that Po is all the help I need. We shouldn't impose on your..."
"It's not a problem," she replied, "I don't have any responsibilities today since the Dragon Warrior's training has been put off until tomorrow."
"Don't you have your own personal training to think about?"
"No," she replied with a little smile, "Not really."
"Hey," said Po, "We can make a little picnic to take with us!"
"That sounds wonderful," replied Viper.
"Yeah," grumbled Scorpion, "just swell."
"Great!" said Po who was not even aware of the sudden tension between Viper and Scorpion, "I'll start making a picnic lunch now." He finished feeding Fenghuang, then ate his own breakfast as he went back to the kitchen to fix the three of them a modest, portable lunch.
"Thank you so much," cooed the owl as he left.
"No problem," he said over his shoulder.
Tigress and Monkey looked back and forth between the two with an eyebrow raised, but they held their comments to themselves. Crane didn't seem to have any idea about what was happening between the ladies as they talked about their little trip. Fenghuang was a little put off that her wings were stopping her from 'helping Scorpion' as well, but she kept her disappointment to herself.
...
Po, Scorpion and Viper made their way through the bamboo forest as they headed towards a series of caves along the mountain closest to the Jade Palace, but they managed to collect some fairly rare herbs and plants along the way. Po snacked along the way as he was want to do, the others were happy to go along, stopping once along the way for a tea break.
"Stand and deliver your money to us!" shouted a deep and gravelly voice from nearby. Po and the ladies looked to see that half a dozen wolf bandits armed with short swords and spears were facing off against them. The one who spoke was apparently the largest and strongest wolf present.
"Hey!" said Po, "This is Croc Bandit territory. What are you guys doing here?"
"We heard the Crocs scored big, so they're dropping out of the game for a while. They're territory is now wide open as far as we're concerned. So cough up the money and the goods."
"We don't have any money," lied Scorpion, "and what we do have is just some herbs that would only matter to a cook back in town."
"Yeah," said one of the wolves next to the apparent leader, "They're dressed like a bunch of peasants. What valuables could they possibly have?"
"The snake and the scorpion are normally naked," he said, "That doesn't mean they're not holding out on us. The Panda isn't dressed that bad. The trousers just look a little patched. That is a common ruse for merchants to hide their wealth from bandits like us. I say we don't let them go until we're sure the aren't holding out on us."
"Are YOU going to search a viper and a scorpion? Cuz I ain't planning to get myself poisoned."
"You... might have a point," mused the head wolf, "but the Panda is not getting by without a search. If the viper or the scorpion try to interfere, feel free to kill them."
"That's not very nice," mused Po.
"We're bandits. We aren't supposed to be nice."
"Well you shouldn't be messing with three Kung Fu Masters, but you've already made that mistake!"
"Kung Fu Masters?" asked the second wolf, "They don't look like Kung Fu Masters to me."
"You shouldn't judge a scroll by it's case!" shouted Po as he kicked the nearest wolf in the stomach.
"That tears it!" shouted the lead wolf, "Just kill them all and loot the bodies!"
Viper slipped under the nearest wolf's guard, and comes up in a headbutt right into his chin. Then Scorpion threw a couple of small clay vials which burst against two more wolves as they released small clouds of red dust. The wolves dropped their weapons as they began furiously scratching at themselves from the apparent irritation the dust caused them.
"That's what you get for messing with Scorpion, the Master of Poison!" shouted Quiong Qu at her targets.
"Scorpion?!" cried the wolves as one.
"What is she doing here?!" asked the wolf leader.
"The Panda and the snake are MY FRIENDS!" shouted Scorpion,"Don't you dare MESS WITH MY FRIENDS!"
"I don't care what they have! It's not worth messing with her! Let's get the hell outta here!"
The wolves turned tail and fled as one said the one nearby, "Didn't we kill all the Pandas?"
"Beats me," said his buddy.
"What did he just say?" asked Po as they ran away.
"I couldn't hear them well," said Scorpion.
"Me neither," said Viper.
"Ah, I guess it wasn't that important. Are you two all right?"
"I'm good," said Viper and Scorpion as one.
"Then let's keep going," suggested Po. The two followed him as he headed onwards.
Soon, the trio arrived at the entrance to the cave complex. It was large enough for an elephant to walk in, and the sunlight went back about 30 yards into the cavern. They could see a couple of rough and natural tunnels leading out of the back.
"It's rather dangerous in there," warned Scorpion to Viper, "If you want to wait out here, I'm sure no one would think any less of you."
"If I didn't know better," she replied, "I'd swear you were trying to ditch me."
"Oh heavens forbid."
They walked as far in as the light would allow, and then Po lit a torch he pulled from his small backpack.
"Which way?" he asked.
"The things I'm looking for are off to the right," replied Scorpion, "but if you're looking for shiny-shinnies, you want to go to the left."
"Then right it is."
They moved down the tunnel until it opened into another large cavern. It was damp as well as being full of stalactites and stalagmites. There was a couple of inches of water laying around the floor. At the other end of the cavern was another tunnel.
"Don't drink the water unless you really like sulfur and calcium," warned Scorpion. She broke off a few of the very small stalagmites and put them in her bag.
"That's not on my menu," said Po.
They went to the tunnel which angled downwards further into the earth and stone.
"Is this the right way to go?" he asked.
Scorpion nodded. They went down to another large cavern that smelled... earthy. They could see the masses of mushrooms all over the floor. There was also a couple of decomposing corpses on the floor that they could not recognize from their advanced state of decomposition. An opening in the top seemed to be the way things could fly in and out, but it had to be a twisty passage as they could not see any sunlight coming through.
"There's a lot of mushrooms in here," said Scorpion, "and a number of them I need. But beware, this place is good for mushrooms because the bats overhead... like to crap all over the floor. Try not to bother the bats. They tend to panic easily."
Po and Viper looked high to the ceiling, and saw the shadowy form of the bats sleeping hanging upside down above their heads.
"I'm gonna watch my step around here," said Po.
"Good idea," agreed Viper.
"Once I gather the mushrooms I need, we'll have to make our way around the edges to continue down to the next cavern."
"We have to go around this stink?!" asked Po.
"That's right."
Being fairly small and light, she could scrabble from the top of mushroom to mushroom and avoid the stinky mess on the floor below. She carefully plucked the mushrooms she needed so she would still have a path back to the others. Po and Viper just stayed near the entrance until Scorpion was done with her collections. Then they all followed the edge around until they got to the tunnel on the other side.
As they made their way down, it grew even warmer and steamier. Then they came to a section that was flooded almost to the top. There was barely room for Po to keep his nose above the water level.
"It's alright," said Scorpion, "There should be air all the way to the other side. I've been this way a few times myself,.. although I've never really felt safe swimming across here. I don't exactly know why."
"I can swim across with no trouble," said Viper, "What about you, Po?"
"I think I can manage," he replied.
"I'll have to leave the mushrooms here," said Scorpion, "It won't do well for them to get soaked when they really need to be dried out. Of course, you won't be able to light the torch on the other sides as well, so you better leave that here too."
"We have to stumble around in the dark?" he asked.
"No," she replied, "There's some luminous mold on the other side that we should be able to see with as long as we don't have to look far."
"That sounds so awesome."
"Well, it is cool to see."
The three of them swam the twenty odd feet or so before they came out of the water up to the knee level on Po. As Scorpion said, there was a faint glow coming from the walls around them.
"What do we need here?" he asked.
"Oh, there's some minerals here that have great value in medicine."
They slowly traveled the rest of the passage until they came to the next cavern. Most of the place was dark, as there was only small patches of the glowing mold around to see by. It was also quite damp, there was small pools of water on the floor, and it was even warmer than any other place in the caves they had been to yet. There was also a sound that grew louder as they went.
"What's that noise?" asked Po.
"It's an underground river," replied Scorpion, "be careful, because if you fall in here, there's no way you'll make it out into the open river without drowning first. There's no fresh air along the way."
"How do you know that?"
"A friend of mine... fell in here... the body washed ashore many miles downriver from here a week or so later..."
"I'm sorry for your loss," he said.
"We knew the risks," she said, "Just as much as I hope you understand them. It shouldn't take long for me to get what I need here..."
She went along gathering pieces of this and that, saying, "Ah, this is good stomach medicine... This is good for beauty creams... This one is good for a cyanide antidote..."
"Wait!" said Viper, "I feel something! Is there a tremor happening?!"
"An earthquake?!" said Po.
"Hope for the best," said Scorpion, "Because there's no way we can get back out of here in time for it to matter any."
The cave began to resonate as it shook. Small stalactites began to break off and fall all around them. Then larger pieces of rock began to break off from the ceiling and fall around them. Po used his arms to cover his head as Scorpion used her pincers to do the same. They all became separated in the darkness as the dust formed a cloud around them. All they could hear was the clatter of the falling stones around them.
A particularly large rock fell, bounced and landed near the edge of the cave. The cave was pierced by Viper's scream of pain. Then a deathly silence fell over the area.
"Viper?!" called Po, "Are you alright?!"
"I'm trapped under a rock!" she called back, "It feels like my tail has been crushed! I don't know if I'll make it!"
"Don't talk like that!" he called back, "I'm coming to save you!"
"I already found her," called Scorpion, "and she's right."
He came in the dark to where Viper was trapped. "I don't care if it's hopeless or not! I have to try and save Viper!"
Huffing and puffing, he managed to push the rock back off Viper.
"I can stop the bleeding and ease the pain with acupuncture," said Scorpion, "But she has to get back to the Jade Palace soon or she'll die! It will take too long to go back the way we came!"
"What can we do?" asked Po, "We can't take the river!"
"There's only one thing, and it's just plain insane to even try!"
"So tell me already!"
"If we're exactly where I think I am, a Thundering Wind Hammer aimed straight up should blow right through to the surface. This would have to be the strongest Thundering Wind Hammer you've ever done in your life!"
"And the resulting cave in?!"
"We'll have to leap from falling boulder to falling boulder until we get out. You're the only one who can carry Viper out of here."
"Yep, that's insane alright."
"So you're going to let Viper die?!"
"Oh hell no! I didn't say we weren't going to do it, now did I?" said Po as he gingerly wrapped Viper about his neck.
"Po," she said awkwardly, "If we don't make it out of here, I just want you to know that I love you too!"
Either Po didn't hear, or he was too busy preparing the most powerful Thundering Wind Hammer he had ever used in his life.
"Ready!" Po shouted, "Steady! FIRE!" A great green blast of energy shot up to and through the overhead rocks. The boulders began to fall as the walls of the cavern collapsed around them. Po and Scorpion began leaping from falling boulder to boulder as they made their way towards the growing hole into the light above them. He leaped from the last falling boulder and just managed to catch the lip of the hole.
But he couldn't get his hands past the crumbling rocks. Viper and he were going to fall back down and he couldn't think of anything to do about it. But then Scorpion's pincers caught his paw. She was scrabbling for purchase as she tried to pull them up. But the side collapsed, they all fell in, and they were all sure they were falling to their doom...
...
Master Tigress looked at the others of the Furious Five as she examined them for cleanliness and overall neatness, and how well they stood at attention. It was something Shifu liked to do, but it was not really Tigress' cup of tea, as it were.
"Have we passed inspection?" asked Master Monkey.
"I don't know," sighed Tigress, "I have no idea what criteria Master Shifu is using for this. Heck, I should probably make you clean the Training Room floor because Po isn't here to screw up and get that punishment himself."
"How thoughtful of you."
"But you're all fine as far as I can tell. Let's just get on with today's training, shall we?"
The other three nodded. As they walked over towards the training hall, she added, "You're all adults, right? I shouldn't have to tell you what you need to do the way Master Shifu seems to think he has to."
"I agree with you there," said Master Crane.
Master Mantis suddenly stopped and shook his head.
"Is something wrong?" asked Tigress.
"I don't know," he replied, "I just got this strange feeling that Viper is somehow in deadly danger."
"Stop eating those Mung Beans before bedtime," said Monkey.
"I guess so."
