So, I'm updating quickly because I wrote most of this chapter ages ago when I started this story. I wanted this chapter to be the last one, and I moved up what happens here on purpose, because in my Fourworld, this is what feels right. Hope you like it.
Do you want this to be the last chapter? - If you want me to continue, review, PM, send virtual smoke signals, whatever - I'm game if you are. Thanks so much to all the people who have read, alerted, and reviewed along the way, you all ROCK.
The elevator plunges down, taking me away from Tris, the Candor, Marcus, that stupid cafeteria. The steel walls close in on me, and I start to breathe harder.
She knows that attack wasn't me; she already knows why I did it. It was the only way to gain back my faction's respect. But after all those years of abuse, all the fantasies of hitting back, of finally having power over my father… holding back took all of my self control. I am about to lose it, and I need to go someplace where no one will see that happen. Especially Tris.
So I go home.
When I reach Dauntless headquarters, I jump off the train, walk up to the glass entrance above the Pit and shoot out the security cameras. I duck into the control room on the way down, sit at the terminal and type in some code, disabling video surveillance. It won't hold the Erudite for long, if they're actually still bothering to look. But it will give me enough time to purge my demons.
I go down to the training room, throw off my jacket, and launch myself at the nearest punching bag. I hit the thing until I'm dripping with sweat, until my knuckles bleed, until I can no longer think. When I stop, I can barely open my hands, and my throat is sore from yelling...but my head is clear. I feel like a new person, like I can face anyone, or anything.
I walk back up the path to the glass ceiling of the Pit, wiping my face with my shirt. My footsteps echo eerily against the rock walls; I can hear every loose pebble that falls. It's strange to see the compound so completely deserted. I walk across the glass, avoiding looking down – some things never change. Then my eye catches the battered door of the fear landscape room, and I stop. I'm exhausted, and revisiting my landscape seems like masochistic madness. But after publicly humiliating Marcus, I don't think I can resist. I have to know if I've conquered my fear of my father.
I open the door to the storage closet and grab a syringe, feeling a pang of regret. The last time I was here, I took two. That was the first time I didn't have to face my fears alone. I shoot the serum into my neck, too tired to feel pain. The syringe slips from my fingers as the simulation takes me.
At first, it's utterly predictable, the wind, the height, my trembling limbs and shallow breaths. I wish Tris was here, this is her element. I need her strength. I step close to the edge and look down, and I realize that I'm not alone anymore. I have a new way to manipulate the simulation – I can face it with her. I think of Tris and I feel her hand in mine, her voice in my ear, laughing, telling me to jump….and I do.
Next, the closet, shrinking, shutting me in. I crouch down, breathing heavily, trying to subdue my panic. It doesn't work. The space grows smaller and smaller, and I push against the walls, my heart pounding, knowing I'll never get over this fear. It's depressing. But then I remember Tris curled up against me, grabbing my hand and putting it over her heart. Tris rolling her eyes at me. Most guys would enjoy being in close quarters with a girl, Four.
My breathing slows as my mind wanders, contemplating exactly what I would like to do with Tris in close quarters. I grin, and suddenly, the walls are gone.
I straighten up, stretching my cramped muscles. We have to stop fighting. We need each other, we're at our best when we're together. But the world around us is getting in the way. War, stress, guilt, and grief have stolen something from us - our trust in each other, our innocence. It feels weird to think of either of us that way. We're Dauntless, we're trained to be deadly…and now both of us are killers. But not by choice.
Speaking of innocence…I grit my teeth and wait for the woman to appear before me, the gun, the fear of ending a life. But nothing comes, and I feel heavy with remorse. Yes, I am far from innocent. Have I now taken so many lives that I no longer care?
Then I see a figure coming towards me, stepping into the light. My father. I let a breath hiss out in frustration. Will this never end? It feels like a life sentence, being saddled with this fear. I was convinced it had changed, or disappeared.
I realize that Marcus is smiling. I look around and see no one. He is smiling at me. There are no belts, no fists, no threats. He walks up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I shift and throw it off, glowering at him. I look him straight in the eyes, and I know - something has changed. I am not afraid.
So why is he still here?
Then he speaks.
"I'm so proud of you son."
I stare at him. What the hell is this?
"I always wanted you to turn out just like me. And you have - you're just like me."
You're just like me. The words start to echo, and I step back, horrified. My heart starts to pound. I look around me wildly; I want to run. But I can't escape from my own mind.
God. I am just like him. I beat people up. I lie. I keep secrets. I am violent. I manipulate people - I'm trying to manipulate an entire faction. I want power. I want revenge. I'm controlled on the outside, full of rage on the inside. I'm alienating the only person I love. Oh my god.
I stumble away and vomit against the wall. I spent years cowering in Abnegation, planning my escape from my father. In Dauntless I pretended he didn't exist. I had the faction values tattooed on my back, determined to respect all of the good in our society, and fight its evil. I know I can be arrogant, and often unkind. I'm quick to anger, and slow to forgive. I know that my father is a part of me. But I've tried to rise above that, to be better, to be me. I've tried so hard. And apparently, I've failed.
Marcus starts to laugh, and the laughter swells, bouncing off the dingy concrete walls. I raise my fists reflexively, to lash out at him. Why not? It's something he would do. But then I hear her voice in my head.
Tobias, you're in a simulation.
Does it matter if you're in a simulation if it shows you the truth?
Since when are simulations honest? I'm afraid of crows, is that real?
No. No. You're afraid of losing control.
Yes. I still am. And you're afraid of turning into your father. That doesn't mean that you have.
But what if I do?
Use the fear. Learn from it. Then when you make decisions, pretend it doesn't exist. You told me that once, when you were afraid.
I remember.
Tobias, you're not like him. You care. You love.
Yes, Tris, I love, but only you.
Then I see her standing in front of me, feet bare, eyes bright, ready to move. I know it's a simulation, that she isn't real. But I walk over to her and touch her face. She smiles at me. I bend down to kiss her. And then she's gone.
The room is dark and empty. I sink to the floor and put my head in my hands. I don't know if I can ever go through that again. Compared to that, the beatings were easy. It's the worst fear I'll ever face.
But I'm wrong. That was fear number three.
I am still Four.
A patch of light hits the far corner of the concrete walls, close to the door. I walk towards it, and see Tris standing there.
I start walking faster. All I can think about is touching her, kissing her. Until I run face first into the glass.
She is behind a glass wall. I stand up, rubbing my throbbing nose. Tris smiles sadly at me and points to the floor. I look down, and see the water, and I know. She is back in the tank. The Erudite are executing her. She is going to die. And they want me to watch.
No way. That is not going to happen. It's a simulation, I can control it. I start to pound on the glass. Nothing happens. I will it to break. Nothing. The water is up to Tris's knees.
I've got a plan. I need a sledgehammer, an iron bar, something to shatter the glass. I run my fingers over the ground, expecting to find something that can shoot or break things. Nothing. The water is up to Tris's waist.
She looks at me with wide eyes. I think of every weapon I know. Nothing. The water is up to Tris's neck.
She puts her hand up to the glass and I put my hand against hers as the water goes over her head. I look around wildly. I'm in a simulation, I know I'm in a simulation. She can't be drowning. Calm down. Think. Do something.
But I am too panicked. I start to pound on the glass, screaming her name. I pound until the bones in my hands break, and Tris is floating in the tank. Dying. Alone. I can't save her.
I tear at my shirt and scream. And the tank shatters. The water pours out around me, and Tris comes to rest at my feet, lifeless. I am absolutely still. If I touch her, it will break me. It will kill me. From far away, I hear an unfamiliar sound, an animal sound, heaving, gasping. After a while, I realize I am sobbing.
The lights come on, flickering dimly. Tris, the water, the glass, my broken bones, everything has disappeared.
I stand motionless for a long time, until I realize that my code disabling the cameras must have been broken by now. I need to leave. I look at my hands; they are bleeding, but whole. I look at my feet, and will them to move. One step, two, three, four, five to the door. I keep seeing Tris, her blank, sightless eyes.
Now I know – I have changed. The four fears I've fought since the day I chose Dauntless – those were the fears of a boy. These are the fears of a man. I will have them the rest of my life.
Even in a simulation, love has consequences.
I step outside into darkness; the sun left the world while I watched Tris die. I finally understand how she has been feeling since her parents were killed. If I lose her, I lose myself. Where she goes, I go.
