A/N: The italics in this chapter are flashbacks, and although Derek is the one flashing back, the pov is for both Meredith and Derek, how they both felt at the time. So, don't get confused...lol. This chapter is a little sad, but don't worry, the next chapter gets back to normal. I hope. Next chapter follows directly after this scene and will be posted very, very soon. Thanks for the reviews, as always! You all rock! Julia, I will respond to you here as I can't respond to anonymous reviews. Thank you for your interest. And yes, 'Tears In Heaven' will be updated soonish. I'm pleased you like it. :-)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Derek lay down on the bed, waiting for Meredith to return. She was taking an extraordinary long time, which wasn't surprising considering what had just happened between them. While it was true Meredith was an avoider, she tended to tell him things she wouldn't tell just anything. The situation with her father excluded, Derek didn't think there was anything he didn't know about her. Until now. He had no idea what was going through her head and was more than concerned that he had frightened the living daylights out of her. He had known that it would be good between them, but not that...explosive. However, now that he knew it was going to make it even harder not to do the pinning her against the wall thing. Which set his mind wandering again, and not to a place he wanted to go right now. Right now he needed to figure out a way to cut through the awkwardness that was bound to happen, an awkwardness that seemed so unnatural for them. They weren't the awkward sort. Never had been. Their relationship transcended that strange shyness between people who knew one another, but didn't really know each other. He knew how she thought, how she felt, what she was saying...all without her having to say a word. He knew her the way she knew him. They had experienced things together, supported each other through the times when pain had been all they had had to look forward to, when things were too hard for them to handle on their own.
" Mer?" Derek whimpered softly, his tear-streaked face contorted with pain.
" Derek." Meredith murmured , speaking softly. She climbed in beside him, tugging the covers up around them both and gently edging his head onto her shoulder. Her arms wrapped around his body, holding tightly, trying to take his pain inside herself...anything to take away that look on his face. He reciprocated in kind, returning her hug, breathing her in.
Meredith ran her fingers through his hair and tried to stop the tears slowly rolling down her own cheeks. Peter Shepherd was dying, the cancer spreading through his body slowly killing him. Killing him and his family. For Derek, he was losing more than a father, he was losing his role model, his confidant, the person he did 'manly' things with. He had Mark, but his father had been the one to teach him to ride a bike, to fish, to drive a car. Growing up with four sisters...four older sisters...Derek had loved that time with his father, the time for just the two of them. The once a year fishing trip was a tradition, carried on even past high-school. At 21, Derek still looked forward to the yearly fishing trip. But last year would be the last one. Now his father was dying, lying in the hospital bed, surrounded by all his family...except Derek.
"Der?" Meredith said, tilting his head and making him look at her, her heart contracting at the sight of his swollen, bloodshot eyes. "Your mom says you won't go with them. To the hospital."
Derek said nothing, closing his eyes and leaning further into her chest.
"Derek? You need to go. He wants to see you." Meredith pushed gently.
She was walking on eggshells, so unsure of herself. At 19, she wasn't sure what you said in this type of situation. What did you say to someone who was losing their parent? ' I'm sorry' didn't work. It was what you would say to someone your vaguely knew, or even hadn't met. It had an air of fakeness about it. Meredith refused to say she was sorry. Sorry didn't help Derek, sorry didn't change what was happening. But Amy had rung her in a state, not knowing what to do about Derek. Peter wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him...and he was sliding downhill fast, his strength slowly waining. When the family had been called, they knew the end was close. But Derek had refused to come, instead retreating to his room and listening as the cars pulled away without him. Amy begged Meredith to get him to come, saying that the only person Derek wanted was her. So now she had to do right by the man facing his end and the man who was facing the rest of his life without his father. The weight of that responsibility drowned her, making it hard for her to think, to work out what she could do.
" No." He replied, that simple word having so much feeling behind it. Why couldn't people understand he meant what he said?
"Derek...he's asking for you." Meredith said, desperation creeping into her voice.
"I said no, Mer. Why will no one respect that?" Derek demanded, rolling away from her embrace. Fury fought with sadness, neither one winning, both feuding for first place.
"Why won't you go?" Meredith asked softly, brushing away the tears that continued to fall, her own heart breaking at the thought of losing a man she had come to love as she had once loved her own father.
"I..." Derek began before the sobs began raking through his body, the bed jerking with his movements. Sadness had won.
"Oh, Derek..." Meredith moaned, moving over and cuddling up against his back, her body flush against his.
"I don't want to see him die, I don't want that to be the last memory I have of him. I don't want to see him sick, lifeless. I want to keep the memory of him as I knew him, the man I love. I don't want my last memory to be him dying," Derek sobbed quietly. His father had been a big, strong man before he had got sick. He had loved to travel, to spent time with his wife and family. He had been an outdoorsman. The man he was now was a shadow of who he had been and it hurt Derek to see it.
Meredith gave a mournful sigh, ignoring the tears that now flowed like a waterfall down her face, pooling on his shirt.
"I understand that, Derek. But..."
"But what?" Derek asked, stiffening.
"But what he wants...the last thing he wants to see before...he wants his last memory to be his family around him...all together for one last time. The last thing he wants to see is that you will all be together, supporting each other. He wants to die feeling loved, knowing that his family will get through this...together." Meredith said quietly, rubbing his back.
Derek rolled over, turning to face her, pain evident in every feature. He took her hands in his, holding them close to his heart. She was right, he knew she was right. He owed his father so much. He owed him his chosen last memory. The sobs had quietened, yet the single tear making its mark on his face was more heartbreaking that if he had lost control altogether.
"It hurts." He said simply, his eyes shimmering. "I hurt."
"I know. I know." Meredith murmured, giving him a small smile. "I know you do."
"Will you come with me?" He asked, his eyes begging. "I can't go if you...if you're...I need you."
"I'll come. Derek, I'll come. But we need to go now."
He sighed and sat up, stretching his arms about his head, closing his eyes and letting the memory take him. It didn't hurt him to remember as it once had, the pain had dulled, and while he still missed his father that nagging feeling in his stomach when he thought of him had gone away. He could remember in peace.
As they walked up to the cancer ward, Derek reached down and took hold of Meredith's hand, feeling her give him a comforting squeeze. It was enough to know that she was there...she was always there. He drew strength from her, he always had. As the reached the door, Meredith pulled back, motioning for him to go in. He grabbed her hand again, and pulled, but Meredith was adamant that she stay on the closed side of the door.
"Derek, let go. I'll wait for you. I promise." Meredith whispered, motioning towards the door again.
As she spoke the door opened and Amy stood there, a relieved smile on her face. "Derek." She whispered, pulling him into a hug. "There isn't much time. I'm so pleased you came. Thank you."
As she spoke, she glanced at Meredith with gratitude radiating from her eyes. " He wants to see you, too, Meredith."
Derek gave his mother one last squeeze and released her, pulling Meredith into the room behind her.
Peter lay in the bed, his breathing labored with his daughter's filling the room. Peter motioned to Meredith with a minuscule movement of his fingers, all he could manage.
Meredith felt the tears start to flow again as she made her way to his bed and bent down beside him. He turned his head towards her and smiled, the old smile that had slowly died as the pain got worse and the cancer spread. Yet now, as he lay in his final minutes he found the smile that she loved, and this time it reached his eyes. She grasped hold of his hand, feeling him attempt to squeeze hers but ultimately unable to find the strength. He began to speak so quietly that she leaned her ear towards him to catch his words.
"Don't you cause any trouble now." He murmured, smiling. "I won't be here to watch you and keep you safe. You stay safe for me, Meredith. You are as much my daughter as anyone, and I love you."
"I love you too," Meredith croaked out, a tear falling onto their joint hands. "Thank you for all you did for me...I...thank you."
"You look after him for me. He'll look after you. You'll be okay." Peter whispered, nodding slowly, his chest heaving with the effort it took to speak.
Meredith nodded and leaned towards him, kissing his cheek gently before letting go of his hand and standing up. She moved back, giving Derek space to get through.
Derek took the place Meredith had just vacated, crouching down next to his father. His eyes filled with tears as he listened to what his father had to say, seeing his father glance towards Meredith before whispering in his ear.
Derek let his eyes drift open, a soft smile on his face as he remembered his father's last words to him, words that had proved to be true since the day Peter had passed away. They had propelled him onwards, they had made Derek see a few things more clearly, to see things differently. They were words he had never forgotten and would always be thankful for.
