A/N
Hey everyone, just want to say thank you for the reviews and follows.
I appreciate your support and interest in this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
xx
MPOV
I sit at my kitchen island with a glass of pinot noir and take a moment to savour the taste. It has been a tiresome Friday as per the usual, but I am grateful for the wine, it has eased some of the tension from my day. I look to my phone and check the time, Veronica will be here soon.
But as I sit alone and await her arrival, the silence of my big empty home saddens me. I know Angela isn't far away but her visits have become less frequent as of late. I miss her larger-than-life presence and I miss the days when all of the Rizzoli's would fill my home as if it were their own.
When Jane left I feel as though she took her family with her. It has only been a few weeks but I do worry that if my relationship with Jane were not to improve this is how things would remain. I have only seen Angela in passing and on occasion Frankie makes the effort to seek me out at work to say hello. And despite my many feelings about Jane, primarily anger, I really do miss her and the family she is lucky to have.
On occasion, I do wonder if I am being overly emotional. Perhaps the changes aren't solely related to Jane's disappearing act. It is possible their change in behaviour could also be due to fact that I am dating Veronica and they wish to give me space. Regardless of the motive, I don't handle change very well and I long for the days of simplicity to return.
The moment Jane and I shared on my front porch plays on my mind incessantly. I analyse the words spoken and wonder of those left unsaid. That night unsettled me and when I returned to Veronica she could sense my discomfort. I was honest with her, as I had promised I would be earlier on our date. I told her I didn't know what Jane wanted and that I'd prefer not to hazard a guess. I explained I was upset because I can't handle the unknown, I fear it with every fibre of my being. But that in conclusion, my feelings for Jane remain complicated and would take time to resolve.
Veronica simply thanked me for the honesty and explained that she understood, I was surprised when she told me that she wanted to see me again. She then suggested perhaps it best she leave for the night, unless I'd prefer not to be alone. I simply thanked her for the offer but declined and assured her that I was used to being alone. We shared a chaste kiss and she told me she'd see me soon.
After Veronica left I was far too restless to sleep. I deliberated over what to say to Jane at work the next day and when I arrived, Jane was no where to be found. I sought out Angela at the cafe during lunch and she told me Jane had taken her vacation time and gone to New York. I was furious.
The next day I had hoped my anger would have somewhat dissipated but it hadn't so I sent her a text;
Jane, I do not understand why you came to my door and I would appreciate an explanation as to why? All you ever do is confuse and hurt me. And you know very well how much I hate the unknown so I can only assume that your aim was to upset me intentionally. And then I find out from your mother, not from you, that you've run away to New York like a child. What saddens me most is that I don't know why I expected anything less from you.
Jane never replied and I wasn't surprised. I am quite certain that all my text achieved was to push her further away. But I didn't care, I was hurt and she needed to know. A week later I sent another text, just a simple hello or a polite a gesture if you will. Angela hadn't spoken to her much either and I wanted to see if she was okay. But Jane never replied.
One early morning I received a text at 3am and I could tell she was drunk. Even though Veronica was in bed with me I used Facetime to call Jane back immediately. The conversation was brief and took a turn when I made mention of the fact I could see the naked woman in Jane's bed. Jane was shocked and abruptly ended the call without a word.
Veronica stirred in her sleep and I apologised for waking her. She asked me if that was Jane and whether she was okay. I told her how terrible Jane looked and of my concern for her level of intoxication. I also explained there was a naked woman in her bed and when I spoke of that detail aloud I admit I felt jealous. Veronica told me to try not worry myself and that obviously Jane is trying to figure some things out.
Throughout the weeks of Jane's absence Veronica has been my constant. She encourages me to talk through my feelings and it doesn't matter if they are predominantly about Jane. I agreed upon complete honesty at the beginning of our relationship and I have honoured that promise. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if Veronica gets jealous but she assures me that it is okay.
We have a routine now, one that was easy to fall in to. One or two nights a week she will stay at my home due to my late working hours. And, in return, I spend one night at her place on the weekend. It is still early in our relationship, I know that, but it feels right.
Our sex life is good, but not amazing. Due to my unpredictable emotions I feel she is too gentle with me in the bedroom and touches me like I am made of glass. And even after I tell her she doesn't need to do that, her hands continue to move with such caution it's as if she feels my body is not hers to touch. And the fact she does so frustrates me to no end.
Putting all of that aside, I am happy with Veronica overall. And for the first time in a relationship, I am not holding sex as my highest priority. Even though the sex I have with her is better than it ever was with either Ian or Garrett, I am loathe to admit that Jane is the best I've ever had. I realise those type of feelings for Jane intrude upon that aspect of my relationship with Veronica and will continue to do so until I find closure.
The fact of the matter is that Veronica and I both know that before we met, Jane was the single most important thing in my life. And that knowledge combined with intricate ways our lives remain entangled impedes upon my relationship with Veronica. As a result, any progress or momentum is stalled for me but sometimes I wonder if Veronica is falling in love. I know that in normal circumstances that should make me happy but instead it only makes me sad because I am nowhere near ready to walk down that path. Not yet anyway. Not while everything stands unresolved with Jane.
A knock at my door alerts me and I pull myself together. I walk over to open the door and Veronica greets me with a kiss to my cheek.
She pulls back and smiles, "You look great, Maura. Are you ready to go?"
I simply nod and collect my clutch from the small table beside us before locking the door on our way out. Veronica takes my hand in hers as we enter the taxi that brought her to my place.
Once on our way her hand never leaves mine, "tough day?" she asks.
"Indeed it was," I respond, "But it's better now I'm with you"
I lift our intertwined hands up to place a kiss to her knuckle before returning them rest in my lap.
"You remember Jodie?" I nod, "Well it's her birthday drinks. It should be a good night," she smiles before she adds, "I'm glad you came"
I return her smile, "As am I"
We arrive at Merch and with it being a Friday, the bar is busy. Veronica takes my hand to lead me inside and we find her friends seated in a booth. We say our greetings and wish Jodie a Happy Birthday.
The booth is full so Veronica pulls an extra chair over for me before leaning down to kiss me on the forehead. She moves to my ear, "I'm going to buy a round of shots for the table, I assume you'll have one of those and a glass of pinot noir?"
I nod in response and Veronica walks to the bar leaving me alone with her friends. I let my eyes wonder around the group and I believe I have met all of them. I observe their conversation in silence because out of context I find that I only understand small portions of it.
Veronica returns to the table and I feel relieved she is back. She passes me my wine and offers everyone a shot. We toast Jodie and Veronica moves another chair to take a seat next to me. She takes my hand in hers to rest in her lap and I sigh in gratitude. She knows how I nervous I become at gatherings but she also knows how hard I try. Her friends are important to her and I don't want her to miss out on nights like this because of me.
I admire the way she fits in with ease and banters effortlessly. I see how fond her friends are of her and every few minutes she looks to me to ask what I think. She constantly tries to include me and ensure that I feel welcome. It is a testament to her compassionate character.
After several drinks and a few hours later I feel the warmth of the wine wash over me. I feel more confident and less conservative with my words. The group continue their chatter and I find I am able to include myself more. After a pause I look at Veronica to see her smiling at me. She leans over to place a chaste kiss on my lips.
She pulls back and our eyes meet, "I'm so proud of you, Maura," she tells me with a bright smile.
I feel myself blush which only adds to the redness of my cheeks initially caused by the wine. Obviously everyone noticed our moment because I hear a collective "awwww" emanate from the group. I smile through the embarrassment and take a rather large gulp of wine.
Right in this moment, I feel elated. But the feeling is short lived when I hear Veronica ask, "Is that Jane?"
I feel my heart drop and take a nervous breath before turning around to peer in the direction where Veronica's are trained.
Oh my god, it is Jane.
I let out a shaky breath, "Yes, I believe so"
I take in the scene playing out in front of me. Jane stands at the bar awaiting service and there's a woman embracing her from behind, her chin rests comfortably on Jane's shoulder.
"Did you know she was back?" Veronica asks and I respond with a shake of my head.
I'm feeling so many emotions all at once. Far too many to name, let alone comprehend. I feel overwhelmed yet I stand up as if my body is on auto pilot.
My eyes never leave Jane but I hear Veronica move to stand beside me, "Do you want me to come with you?" she asks as softly as she can considering the volume of the music. Without a response, I blindly reach to take Veronica's hand in mine and lead us away from our group toward Jane.
I see Jane turn around with two drinks before she playfully holds them out of the woman's reach. In response, the woman leans in and kisses Jane who simply laughs before handing her a drink. Jane leans back against the bar and drapes an arm around the woman's shoulder while her eyes begin to shift around the bar. It only takes a moment before they land on me. I see her visibly stiffen and release her hold on the woman next to her.
Veronica and I step in to their space and even though Jane looks terrified she attempts a smile anyhow. Her eyes leave mine briefly to look down at the death grip I currently have on Veronica's hand. I take a moment to observe the woman by her side. She is quite beautiful, I won't deny that, but it unsettles me that this woman is a stranger yet she is looking at me like we've met before.
The air between the four of us is awkward and after what feels like forever the silence is broken, "Hi, I'm Veronica"
"Hello, I'm Kate," she takes Veronica's hand with a smile before looking over at me, "and you must be Maura"
I know it rude of me but I don't acknowledge her. Instead I shift my focus to bore my eyes in to Jane.
Jane visibly swallows, "Hey Maura," her voice is shaky.
I feel like there are three pairs of eyes trained on me as they anticipate my reaction. I don't know what to say, all I do know is how badly I wish to slap Jane across the face. I try to ground myself but it all feels too much. I feel Veronica gently squeeze my hand to remind me to breathe.
"What the hell are you doing here?!" I am surprised by the volume of my own voice, "When did you get back?"
"I, uh," her voice is unsteady, "got back yesterday"
Jane looks at me with such guilt in her eyes it only serves to anger me further, "And you didn't think to tell me?! Of course you didn't, you never even bothered to tell me you were leaving!"
"I'm sorry, Maur-"
I cut her off, "No, don't you dare say sorry to me after everything you've put me through. You have said that word so many times that it means nothing to me anymore!"
She drops her head, "I know, you're right...I uh, I guess I don't know what else I can say"
"Anything! I want you to say anything other than the fact you are sorry for the umpteenth time," I let go of Veronica's hand and step further in to Jane's space to point a finger at her, "You could start by explaining why you ran away like a coward, without a word I might add. And now here you are standing in front of me, having fun with some woman on your arm like nothing ever happened!"
I hold my ground while I glare at Jane and due to the sheer intensity behind my eyes I see her struggle to maintain eye contact.
The silence is broken by Veronica who lightly brushes my shoulder, "Maura, I think maybe it's best you guys talk alone," my eyes remain on Jane and I nod in response, "Kate?" I hear Veronica ask that woman next to Jane before they walk away to leave Jane and I alone.
"Well?" I ask impatiently, "are you going to say something or are you just going to stand there with that pathetic look of guilt on your face?" I pause and let the question linger in the air, "even though I am almost certain all you have to offer are pathetic excuses and meaningless apologies," I feel my anger rise again, "what I want from you, Jane, is an explanation so start talking!"
I take a deep breath and clench my fists in frustration. I see the look on Jane's face shift as she opens her mouth to speak but says nothing. Her eyes leave mine for a moment and I can see she is deep in thought. Her eyes return to mine and this time when her mouth opens she finally speaks.
"Look, Maura," she begins, "I won't make excuses and I won't say sorry again. I know how bad I fucked up, not just when I ran away but also in the months leading up to it", she takes a deep breath, "I have been nothing but a selfish asshole and I don't expect you to trust or forgive me anytime soon...or... if ever"
"I am so angry with you, Jane," I tell her with a spiteful tone, "What you did, what you've done...and how you've treated me," I let out my breath in a huff, "you are quite right...I don't know how I'll ever move past this and trust you again... let alone forgive you"
"I understand, Maura, and you should be angry," she moves her hand to scratch her neck, "but before you decide whether or not to cut me away completely," she takes a shaky breath, "would you consider giving me one last chance and come to my apartment for a family lunch tomorrow?"
I am shocked at her request and she continues with a stutter, "I've...uh, asked everyone over to talk about something and it'd mean a lot if you were there too," she moves her hands to the back pockets of her jeans, "Please, I just want you to consider it," she pauses, "coming to lunch, I mean... and oh...yeah, Veronica is welcome too," she adds.
I admit I'm surprised by her invitation and how this conversation took a turn. But as I ponder her words she continues, "I know we have a lot to talk about, or more I have a lot of fucking explaining to do," she bites her bottom lip, "But here...now, in this place..this isn't the right time, would you agree?" I nod, "Please, Maura, just consider coming to lunch tomorrow. It can be the last chance you ever give me. We can talk after and if you still hate me and never wanna see me again I won't blame you"
The music is loud and intrusive, I can barely comprehend her words let alone my own thoughts. She is right in that this isn't the time for this conversation but I feel torn about whether to accept her invitation.
"No, this isn't the time nor the place," I pause, "but before I consider accepting your invitation, I have to ask one question"
"Shoot," she replies without hesitation.
"I only happened to run in to you tonight as you hadn't even shown me the decency to let me know that you were back" I pause, "so I can't help but wonder if we hadn't run in to one another, would you still have invited me or have you simply done so out of guilt?"
Jane moves a hand out like she's about to brush my shoulder but stops herself, "I feel terrible you had to run in to me like this, it wasn't my plan to upset you like I have," she takes a deep breath, "I was going to call you yesterday and even today... but I've been shitting myself about it...which is why I didn't... I chickened out...Anyway, I was definitely gonna call you tomorrow to invite you," her voice is shaky, "and even though it was gonna be late notice, I'd really hoped you could make it," she stutters, "I uh, mean you and Veronica"
I watch as Jane lets a deep breath out and I see that she is visibly shaking. I don't remember the last time I saw her as nervous as she is right now. I am still furious but I do believe her explanation and that it is important to her for me to be there tomorrow. And even though her attempts at including Veronica are embarrassing, I do appreciate the fact she is trying. It indicates that perhaps her intention is to try and fit back in to my life rather than tear it apart.
"Fine, I will accept your invitation," I relent, "and I appreciate that you've extended said invitation to Veronica. I don't know if she will attend but I will ask her"
"Great! Okay...that's great," she takes pause to tone down her excitement, "thank you, Maura...thank you for giving me this one last chance even though I know I don't deserve it"
"No, Jane, you most certainly do not," I agree, "You have hurt me more than anyone else ever has," my tone laced with sadness, "but because we have been through so much together I will be there tomorrow"
Jane looks devastated by my admission of how much she's hurt me. She forces a smile before adding, "Thank you..I won't ask for anything more"
I nod and feel that our conversation should be left at that. I need time to process and I need to be away from Jane in order to do so.
"I'm going to go find Veronica now," I tell her before I avert my eyes and see that Veronica is over near her friendsbut she is talking to that woman here with Jane.
Without another word I walk toward the women we arrived with and Jane follows close behind. Almost immediately they notice our approach and look up to smile at us. I see the way that woman looks at Jane, they seem so comfortable with one another and I don't like it.
Once standing all together, Jane and that woman keep some distance from one another like it's out of respect for me. I try to disregard the how I feel in this moment but I can't deny that I'm jealous. And in that realisation, I despise Jane for having such a strong affect on me.
I need to be away from here, away from Jane.
I move forward and lean in to press against Veronica while I whisper in her ear, "Would you mind if I leave now?" I ask before adding, "I don't mind if you want to stay with your friends, I just need to go"
I pull back from her to look in to her eyes, "No, that's okay, just let me say goodbye and I'll come with you," she waits for my response and I nod. She smiles and kisses my forehead.
I feel Jane's eyes on me and when I look to her my suspicion is confirmed. Veronica says goodbye to Jane and that woman before moving to do the same with her friends.
Jane speaks up, "We'll...uh, we'll leave you guys to it"
I offer nothing but a silent nod before quickly turning back to the group behind me. I know the action is abrupt but I just can't look at Jane any longer.
As I say goodbye to Veronica's friends, I take note of the curious looks. They remain polite as I bid them farewell but I can only imagine how my behaviour tonight could have appeared to an outsider.
Once home, Veronica and I ready ourselves for bed. Our original plan was to sleep at her place but I asked if she would mind staying at mine instead. She agreed without hesitation. As I watch her climb in to bed through my bathroom mirror I feel grateful for her consistent understanding and support.
I leave the bathroom to join her in bed. As usual her arms open to welcome me and I gladly accept her warm embrace. I lay my head over her sternum and listen to her heartbeat while she traces gentle circles over my back. Even though the gesture offers some comfort it doesn't stop my mind racing as I replay tonight's unexpected events.
I feel her kiss the top of my head before she asks, "Are you okay?"
I close my eyes and try to focus on how to answer, "Not really, I can't believe Jane was there"
"Yeah, I can only imagine how shocked you would have been," she tells me.
I lift my head to look in to her eyes, "I'm sorry"
She frowns, "What for?"
"It was terribly awkward and I have no doubt it ruined your evening", I explain, "And gosh... what your friends must think of me"
"No, it's okay," she pushes a strand of hair behind my ear, "I'm here for you," she smiles, "and don't worry about my friends, they love you"
I return her smile and while I don't entirely believe that of her friends, I appreciate the sentiment. I move my head back down it's previous position.
"What did Jane say?" she asks.
I pause to gather my thoughts, "She admitted how badly she's behaved," I pause and sigh, "she said she wouldn't blame me if I chose to cut her out of my life but she pleaded with me for one last chance. She invited me to lunch with her family tomorrow, apparently she has something important to tell us all. Once they leave she and I will talk and if I still don't want her in my life after that she won't argue"
"Will you go tomorrow then?"
"Yes, I believe so," I pause before adding, "she invited you as well"
"Oh... okay," I can hear the shock in her voice, "I'll come if you want me there, but would you rather go alone?" she asks, "I completely understand if you do"
I look back up at Veronica, "are you sure you don't mind if I go alone?"
"No, why would I mind?" she tells me.
"I don't understand how you can place so much trust in me," I question her.
"I trust you because you have never lied to me and I have faith that you never would," she says with conviction, "this stuff is between you and Jane," she pauses, "and you guys need to work it out"
Her kindness and trust stir something inside of me, "I was jealous of that woman tonight, I don't know what that means exactly or whether I still have feelings for Jane," I confess, "but I appreciate your trust to no end and that's why I'm telling you"
I search her eyes for an indication of how she feels, "I have to admit I don't like hearing you feel that way but thank you for telling me. Even though I don't like it, I'd rather know"
I'm grateful that I don't have to guess how she feels, she simply tells me and that makes a world of difference.
"I talked to Kate for a while," she continues.
"I noticed that you two were talking," I respond as I shift to rest on her chest again.
"She was nice," I feel her sigh beneath me, "she said that she met Jane in New York. She said that they got along because she's fresh out of a serious relationship and Jane was easy to talk to. She also said she'd heard a lot about you"
My mind tries to process the information, "I don't think they're together, Maura," Veronica adds, "I got the impression they were just friends"
I think back to how they were acting at the bar; the embrace, the kiss and the laughter. I doubt they're simply friends but it hurts my head think about it.
"Mmm possibly," I hum, "It's not really my business any more, I have you," I place a kiss to the top of her breast as I attempt to change the subject.
I feel Veronica's sigh, "Yes, you do," she responds and I am grateful she allows the change of subject irrespective of my admission of jealousy.
"Even though I don't deserve you," I add.
"Don't say that," she says while gently stroking my back, "I'm lucky to have you. Even if it is weird timing and you're going through some stuff" she takes a deep breath, "You'll figure out what to do about Jane. And no matter what that means for us, I just want you to be happy...you deserve that"
"As do you, Veronica" I tell her, "I just... I wish you wouldn't be so self less because it isn't fair to you and I don't like that I've put you in this position," I pause and look up to meet her eyes, "but you should know that I want to try to find closure with Jane and I hope that by doing so it will serve to deepen our relationship. And I want that, I want to give you more"
"I'd like that," she adds simply without acknowledging the rest of my statement. I watch her smile and move to kiss my forehead.
The next morning Veronica wished me luck for the lunch at Jane's. Before she left she placed a kiss on my lips and when her mouth lingered on mine it felt like a reminder not to forget about her. And once I heard the front door close behind her I felt sad that she even has to worry about such a thing.
Whilst perform my morning routine I think about Veronica and Jane and what a mess of a situation this is. I wonder if it would be best to break up with Veronica. I don't believe I want to but if I did it would be for her sake. I take pause to remember her explanation as to why she chooses to be with me and if her decision is to remain with me then I won't take that away from her. Veronica truly is an amazing woman and I wish I had met her at another time in my life when I wasn't feeling so broken.
After finishing the final touches on my outfit I gather my belongings. On the drive to Jane's I contemplate what the purpose of todays lunch will be. Not only am I uncertain as to what Jane has to tell us all, I have no idea how our conversation will play out once everyone has left. There is so much at stake, Jane herself stated today would be her final chance and I plan to hold her to that. Not only for myself, but for Veronica as well.
I park and exit my car to enter Jane's building. I knock on her door and Frankie answers. I see a bright smile take over his face and he pulls me in for a tight hug. As he lets go he tells me me how great it is to see me. And after I receive the same greeting from Angela and Tommy it makes me feel welcome and wanted. I see that Jane is busy in the kitchen but when our eyes meet she smiles and thanks me for coming. I notice her surprise that Veronica is not with me but the moment passes and she asks everyone to take a seat.
We do as requested and move to sit as comfortably as we can in her small apartment. Jane explains that we'll eat in a moment before taking a seat in the empty space on the couch next to me. I realise that out of habit everyone had assumed that's where Jane would sit. Where she always has, right next to me.
I can feel the couch cushion shake and when I look down I see her leg shifting restlessly while she plays with the scars on her hands. We sit in silence as we wait for her to speak and when she does her voice is shaky.
"First, thanks for uh...coming today. I wanted you all here because there's something important I wanna tell you and I also feel like I owe you guys an explanation for disappearing like I did," she takes a shaky breath, "I uh...dunno where to start...but umm a few months ago I realised I had feelings for Maura"
It takes me a moment to comprehend Jane's words and I only manage to do so when I realise everyone's eyes are on me. I can't help but feel scrutinised and nervous as to where Jane is taking this conversation. But the other part of me is happy that Jane's feelings are out in the open and she is willing to acknowledge them. A few weeks ago she could barely admit them to me, let alone anyone else. I look down to fidget with my own hands and take a deep breath. After a moment, I look up to see that everyone is looking at Jane again so I do the same.
Jane continues, "I was scared and confused because those feelings made me realise some stuff that I'd been trying to hide for so long. I made a mess of things and when Maura met Veronica I started to fall apart. So I ran away to New York...I needed some space to figure out my shit and I," she takes a deep breath and clears her throat, "and I uh...I think I'm gay...which uh.. I'm sure isn't a surprise and that's another reason I ran because I was too proud to admit what everyone was already thinking," she stops herself, "and...I'm rambling now, but yeah... I'm gay"
I feel shocked, but in a good way. I don't know what I expected from today but Jane coming out to her family certainly wasn't it. The nerves I felt a moment ago, when she admitted her feelings for me, have been replaced with pride. No matter how angry I still am with Jane, I allow myself a brief interlude to simply feel proud of my friend.
The room is silent as I look around the Rizzoli family. Tommy and Frankie look stunned. It isn't long before everyone's eyes, including my own, land on Angela as we anticipate her reaction. I feel Jane take my hand and even though I should refuse the contact, this is a big moment so I allow it. I feel nervous for Jane as her mother continues to remain silent.
Angela's eyes shift between the two of us before she opens her mouth to respond, "Jane, I..."
TBC
Thanks for reading guys, please don't forget to let me know what you think.
I know a few of you are not happy with Jane and her behaviour in this story. I want to assure you that just because she came out doesn't mean she's off the hook with Maura.
Until next time...
