It hurt, it hurt a lot; Murdoc knew what pain felt like, but that was mainly physical pain. Maybe this only hurt because it was his first actual relationship, the first one that went beyond sex, and the first time he actually felt love towards another being. Hell he didn't even feel love towards himself, it was a wonder his deadened heart could feel for something, anything. Now everything just hurt, it hurt too much.
He emptied the beer bottle he held in his hand then threw it in the corner, it hit against the other bottles collecting. He was torn between rage and depression; he couldn't get it out of his mind. Why did he think the relationship would work, it was a wonder that it lasted as long as it had. He should have known it wouldn't have lasted from the get go, honestly why would somebody who for the most part was normal want him?
He learned a long time ago that you can't trust anybody, not even yourself. He hated himself for going against his own personal rules and beliefs, but he hated Stuart even more for making him feel something, anything. He couldn't get the image of his boyfriend with that tramp out of his head, why did this bother him so fucking much?
The front door opened, for a second he thought it'd be his brother, but the moment he saw the blue hair and the worried look on the other man's face he knew better. He rather had seen his brother.
"Get out."
Stuart ignored him, he shut the door behind him; he stood with his hands in his pockets while his wide eyes scanned the room nervously.
"Get out, now. Can't yew fucking understand that?" Murdoc said angrily as he stood up from the couch, he stepped in front of the younger man.
He still wouldn't look him in the eye.
"I'm sorry, about everything….Just yew don't understand, alright?" His voice was quiet, shaky.
The older man balled his hands into fists at his sides, why was he doing this to him?
"I don't fucking understand, yew keep on telling me that I don't understand or I saw it wrong. What in Hell did I fucking miss?"
The younger man flinched.
"I-I'm not dating her, my mum set me up on a date with her….She does that, sends me on dates with girls she knows from church and stuff….I didn't want to kiss her."
"Oh alright so this isn't the first time yew've done this, so how many other birds have yew been with lately?"
This wasn't making anything better, only making it worse. It made his chest and head ache worse; he could barely stand looking at him right now. Was he here just to make this twenty times worse?
"O-only four other dates, I-I never….This is the only one I kissed and I-I never…."
"Never what fucked one of them; that makes it so much better. I can't fucking believe I trusted yew, yer just a pathetic little brat. Yew can't even fucking look at me, why are yew even here?"
Stuart didn't reply he only continued to stare down at the ground.
Murdoc hit the younger man across the face. Stuart looked up at him his eyes wide, scared; he wanted to say he regretted hitting him right away but he didn't, he wondered if that was how his father felt when he abused people, just this blinded rage.
"I want yew out of here, I'm sick of this."
When the other man didn't do anything he shoved him roughly back against the wall.
"Murdoc…"
"Shut up, just shut up." He grabbed him by the back of his shirt dragging him towards the door; he jerked it open then shoved the younger man outside as hard as he could.
Stuart fell face first against the concrete; he pulled himself to his hands and knees, Murdoc swore he could hear him crying. A small piece of him wanted to apologize for hitting him, but he was too pissed off at the moment, if anything he only wanted to hurt him more. He didn't trust himself to say or do anything other than shut the door so he couldn't see the blue haired man anymore.
He figured that'd be the last time he would ever see him again, that he was back to solitude. It wasn't until he closed the door that he realized just how alone he was again. He had forgotten how much he had come to loathe loneliness, how used to being around another person he had become…He didn't want this, he didn't want feelings, he didn't want this shit flat….He didn't want any of this not anymore, he wished he had never met Stuart in the first place.
At the moment he was wishing he hadn't hit him, that scared him….It was too much like his father, more than he would like to recognize. It reminded him why he had avoided relationships, because there was the inevitable chance that he would turn into his father….He wasn't completely wrong though, right?
What was he thinking, he shouldn't have done that….Yes this was better, and there was no way in hell that Stuart would come back. If he was sane in the slightest he wouldn't come around again, he would lie to his parents and say he got into a fight somewhere, and then he would go back to dating those stupid girls that he didn't even want. He was just a stupid brat, another stupid college aged kid who didn't know a damned thing….Murdoc was better off without him; he didn't need to waste his time dealing with some kid. He needed to focus on finding a new band, maybe this time one that wouldn't fail in a month or less.
The plan sounded good, but he made no moves towards it. He just continued to sit on the couch downing a newly opened bottle of Jack Daniels.
